Venting disappointed I didn’t ctb before 2025

[apearl]

title describes it mostly, it's not like I improved mentally either, im just too coward to commit to anything and too mentally ill to get better. Really feel like a failure. :(

 

[Anonymousa]

Suicide is one of the hardest things to do cus of lack of painless effective methods, SI and if you have a fear or regrets about dying so don't worry about not being able to do it. To me seeing other people suffer so greatly yet still continue is an achievement in itself so I would say you are not a failure.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I tried so hard to CTB this year yet failed. Now I've been stuck in the psych ward since October with no idea when I will get out. I wish more than anything I hadn't checked myself into the hospital back then. I could be gone by now if I hadn't, even if it would be the most excruciating way possible to die. What are a few minutes of agony to spare a lifetime of it? I have been telling myself for over a decade that I won't make it to each new year and I do every fucking time. I hope to not see 2026.

 

[JustHere1]

I'm also in the same boat. I'm going through an extremely difficult set of panic depressive episodes leading up to my expected CTB. I need to find a fall bridge or area that's quiet, in a place I can uber to (cannot drive). I have had my physical medical issues (legs giving out, arthritic pain all over) increase dramatically the past few days but can do nothing because I no longer have a doctor. I have no items in my house other than one pile of clothes and leftover food, I donated everything I have. I have nothing left but I am fluctuating between states of terror, purely over pain and surviving for a time in a state of pain. But I remain in a lot of pain now and it's overwhelming. I am so tired and essentially wasting my time until I am pushed to commit by force. I have no reason to delay, no more opportunities to live here and I have no desire to. And yet here I am, watching the time for 2025 to be here.

 

[Peace2peace]

Same here

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

I tried so hard to CTB this year yet failed. Now I've been stuck in the psych ward since October with no idea when I will get out. I wish more than anything I hadn't checked myself into the hospital back then. I could be gone by now if I hadn't, even if it would be the most excruciating way possible to die. What are a few minutes of agony to spare a lifetime of it? I have been telling myself for over a decade that I won't make it to each new year and I do every fucking time. I hope to not see 2026.

What was the method you were going with if you don't mind me asking?

 

[J&L383]

title describes it mostly, it's not like I improved mentally either, im just too coward to commit to anything and too mentally ill to get better. Really feel like a failure. :(

Yeah, I get that. Decisions are so incredibly tentative for me. So frustrating.

 

[apearl]

What was the method you were going with if you don't mind me asking?

I would prefer to do SN method, but it's more difficult to commit too then like gunshot where all I would have to do is pull a trigger instead of the whole routine that comes with SN.

To me seeing other people suffer so greatly yet still continue is an achievement in itself so I would say you are not a failure.

Thank you for your reply it is very kind.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I wish I had done it in early December. I decided to wait until after the holidays for my family, and now it's become much harder to follow through. I hate being stuck in this trap where I'm desparate to die, but unable to overcome the obstacles to kill myself.

 

[VoidBlessed]

Me too. I tried over 100x between September and now and it just hurt too much every time. I feel so frustrated, ashamed, and powerless when I think about all the BS I could gave avoided if I had succeeded.