Die or still wait? How?

[Deleted member 17331]

I am leaving home at dawn. I live with my 'family' and today i reached my limit... I don't have a place to go, nor a job.

I will try to ask for shelter in my father's house (he rents houses and has some empty rooms), but feel that he will not accept me. I don't want to go back to the public shelters, this place is hell and i won't be able to take my belongings... have no friends or family members who care about me.

In short: I don't have anything.

It doesn't make me sad, I think i don't care about human ties/relationships in general anymore. However, the streets are dangerous here in Brazil, even more so for a woman and, not having a roof to live in makes everything even more complicated. I'm writing this because I was thinking about recovering, I was thinking about believing in myself, and maybe believing in people... but i cannot do this without a home and a job. I can't survive outside without money. I don't know what to do, but at the moment it seems that ctb is my only choice… I only have money to buy SN and antiemetics.

I'm not scared, and I'm not even disappointed... But it's a little strange to know that I'll only have answers in a few hours. I feel that if it doesn't work out, I will feel great in ctb.

The time is not fair.

(i am open to ideas and advice. gratitude )​

 

[NoGlorySoul]

Not to intrude your decision nor can judge your situation, though have suggestion to try volunteer around maybe at old age home, orphanages or anywhere you think is situation is unfixable. So that if these so called priests praying to the one and say we answer them after our death, we can tell them with head held high and say you and I are two sides of same coin in terms of suffering.

 

[I screwed up]

Sorry to hear ur situation. Wish I could help u in some way, but pl take of yourself , don't do anything impulsively

 

[FriendofDeath]

I hope, if you want to give things a chance, that your father surprises you and allows you to stay in a room. That soon after that you have a job (preferably one you like), and then being able to step out and do whatever you want, for you! Is the pandemic greatly affecting your area? Without knowing much about you, are you someone who would want to or has gone to school? When you said you might want to recover, is it due to an addiction or an illness? Is there anywhere to get assistance that way in Brazil? Do stay safe. I wish I could offer something more.

 

[Deleted member 17331]

Thanks everyone for caring! ♡
***​

@NoGlorySoul sorry, I don't understand what do you mean.

***​

I hope, if you want to give things a chance, that your father surprises you and allows you to stay in a room. That soon after that you have a job (preferably one you like), and then being able to step out and do whatever you want, for you! Is the pandemic greatly affecting your area? Without knowing much about you, are you someone who would want to or has gone to school? When you said you might want to recover, is it due to an addiction or an illness? Is there anywhere to get assistance that way in Brazil? Do stay safe. I wish I could offer something more.

Yes, my area is the most affected by the pandemic across the country.

Are you referring to high school? I finished high school. But haven't entered college yet, I can't concentrate on my studies anymore.

When I mentioned about 'recovery' I was referring to giving my life another try, trying again and not ctb.

I also have health problems, but cannot afford for treatment.

Assistance in Brazil is terrible... I stayed in a shelter once and it was not cool.

Thank you for your concern, this was very important to me!

I'm trying not to cry right now.

 

[FriendofDeath]

Yes, I was asking about college. Thought it might be a good option because there are so many things you can get involved with, but this pandemic has just screwed everything up. And I totally understand about not being able to concentrate on studies. I was going to try to take two classes so I could get re-certified to teach. Seriously? Would do poorly, spend money I don't have and would not be successful in the classroom. Strike 3!

What kind of job would you be searching for? I used to be an academic counselor at a university here in the states, and I'm full of questions. You mentioned health issues, too, another reason I am not working. Is this something that prevents you from a job? Is it curable? I know this is a public forum - don't share anything if you are uncomfortable. I am hoping you get an opportunity since you want one. Seems to me you deserve that.

 

[puppy9]

Sorry dear that you need to go through such unfair circumstances. Ask your father for the accommodation, if CTB is in your arsenal; bold decisions is less painful.
You can give recovery a try, I respect you for that. But don't be ashamed if CTB is still lingering in your mind whilst you're on your journey dear. Please look after your safety, it's our number one priority. Please avoid the streets, I'm afraid that someone will hurt you. You're making me cry.

Have you found your answer yet?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Is there nobody you can reach out to? It is hard to watch someone end their life because their situation is pushing them to do it like this. You seem to want to try but your situation won't allow it. I really do hope there is some way out of this for you.

 

[Ulisses]

Eu sou do Brasil. Triste sua história, do posso te ajudar mandando boas vibrações.estamos aqui por você, não se sinta desanimada.

 

[Jumper Geo]

Very sorry sounds like you are in a bad place, can't you speak to your dad first before you make yourself homeless the corona virus has hit Brazil hard and are you still in lock down I know it's hard and horrible but I would stay where I am until things improve in the economy at least it's safe and gives you a chance to plan, if you want to work and rent your own room.

Sorry if this advice is no help.

Cheers

Geo

 

[StellaArtoix]

I agree. It doesnt sound very safe for you to leave right now. Please reconsider.

 

[Deleted member 17331]

My father denied... Sorry, I can't answer now. I need to sleep and think a little. I really hate myself.

 

[Sensei]

@goblinsinmyhead, it breaks my heart to read about your situation. :( I don't know if I'm the right person to give you advice, but I think it's best that you don't think about getting a job right now and just focus on finding safe shelter. Exactly how desperate is your situation? If you really have run out of options, you can always tell your father, and really make sure he understands that you mean it, that you'll have no choice but to kill yourself if you have to live in the streets. If your situation is absolutely desperate, a short-term solution is to contact psychiatric care and threaten to kill yourself so that they put you in a ward for a couple of nights. These are obviously desperate measures, but it seems that you live in desperate times.

 

[FriendofDeath]

My father denied... Sorry, I can't answer now. I need to sleep and think a little. I really hate myself.

I am so sorry to read this. I'm sending you love across a few thousand miles of land and some big bodies of water. I hope you can catch it and know we are thinking about you, hoping and praying or whatever else people do, that you find what you need, that you are safe, that you know we are here for you.

 

[FranCanSee]

i hope u ok, my little big, big goblin

 

[MsMaudlin]

I wish I could help in some way.

Your situation is terribly sad and i worry about your safety.

Sending you love and strength
❤

 

[Zappfe lover]

My father denied... Sorry, I can't answer now. I need to sleep and think a little. I really hate myself.

Que bosta.... viver nas ruas (especialmente as nossas) é um dos meus maiores medos.

Heugh... é horrível não ter como ajudar.

 

[Tereon]

Sinto muitíssimo por ler isso, de verdade. Gostaria muito de poder ajudar, acredite. Que situação horrível!

 

[Good4Nothing]

I'm sorry I missed this thread, little goblin.
Are you still with us?

 

[TAW122]

If you are still on here, then I wish you peace in whatever decision you decide to make, whether to continue or to find permanent rest.