Venting Didn't have the guts to CTB

[HereWeGo!]

[sorry, English isn't my mother tongue so excuse me in advance for possible language incorrections.]

I'm feeling totally worthless today. Even worse than ever.

Yesterday I had a great opportunity to CTB. I was in a room at work. There were people in the area and actually in my room for one time, but right at that moment I managed to sneak out without being noticed. I even had the noose hanging from a pipe but the guys missed it, hehe. I was still pretty sure during the day that I could manage to pass away probably unnoticed, if I just had the guts to. I was using a plastic coated metal wire so I doubt they would be able to pick me down quick even if the would found me.
I was in and out of the room for a total of 6 hours. I was balancing on a wooden pallet many times with the noose around my neck. But I really couldn't step off the pallet. The best option would have been if I lost the balance and accidentally got caught in the noose. I was continuously thinking about all bad thoughts that caused my depression as a fuel but the SI won. SI is really a bitch! I really felt that THIS was the opportunity I was waiting for but I couldn't. F*ck! Now I don't know what to do because I really need to CTB before the end of April. I've been procrastinating this since like November.

Have any of you tried going for CTB one or several times, but caught up hesitating for a very long time instead of commiting? Please share your experiences.

 

[ma0]

I constantly find myself hesitating in perfect CTB scenarios. It feels painful...

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I've been procrastinating this since like November.

Have any of you tried going for CTB one or several times, but caught up hesitating for a very long time instead of commiting? Please share your experiences.

I feel you man. I feel like I'm procrastinating too. And I don't know if I'll be able to do it when the time comes, either. I'm coming off one failed attempt already and a total of 3 failed in my life.

I think 99% of people fail on their first attempt. It's extremely rare for someone to succeed on their first go. It is not an easy thing to do. Our body's want to survive. You shouldn't feel bad for being just like everyone else, in this. It's the hardest thing to do.

 

[HereWeGo!]

I constantly find myself hesitating in perfect CTB scenarios. It feels painful...

What methods did you try if I may ask?

 

[ma0]

What methods did you try if I may ask?

all my methods involve walking to a very specific place, and i've just not found the guts to even step outside...

especially since i plan to lock the front door behind me and toss the key, it feel so much more permanent, and it's scary for me. i'm trying my hardest to dismantle SI tho

 

[HereWeGo!]

I feel you man. I feel like I'm procrastinating too. And I don't know if I'll be able to do it when the time comes, either. I'm coming off one failed attempt already and a total of 3 failed in my life.

I'm sorry to hear about your failed attempts. Are you comfortable about talking more about them?

 

[BreakBone2BreakBond]

I feel you man. I feel like I'm procrastinating too. And I don't know if I'll be able to do it when the time comes, either. I'm coming off one failed attempt already and a total of 3 failed in my life.

I think 99% of people fail on their first attempt. It's extremely rare for someone to succeed on their first go. It is not an easy thing to do. Our body's want to survive. You shouldn't feel bad for being just like everyone else, in this. It's the hardest thing to do.

I've read most people that suicide have no prior attempts but since their motives are so random a prior attempt is the leading predictor for a future suicide even though they (people that commit suicide after having previously attempted) are a minority.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I've read most people that suicide have no prior attempts but since their motives are so random a prior attempt is the leading predictor for a future suicide even though they (people that commit suicide after having previously attempted) are a minority.

Well fuck me. That's what I get for relying on ChatGPT. Okay I looked up Psychology Today and in a scientific article. They say that 50% succeed on their first attempt. Wait hold on. This scientific article says out of "A total of 73,490 cases met criteria, and 57,920 (79%) died on their first SA." Wtf.

Well what the fuck.

Well shit, thanks for making me feel like a pussy BreakBone2BreakBond. :( How the hell are so many succeeding on their first try? Guns. It must be guns. That makes it the easiest.

I'll rephrase then, any method that isn't a gun is hard as hell to do. I guess hanging is also highly lethal on the first try. Okay fuck. >.< Okay, any attempts that are not hanging or firearms are hard as hell...

I've read most people that suicide have no prior attempts but since their motives are so random a prior attempt is the leading predictor for a future suicide even though they (people that commit suicide after having previously attempted) are a minority.

Wym their motives are random?

 

[needthebus]

Yes

Well fuck me. That's what I get for relying on ChatGPT. Okay I looked up Psychology Today and in a scientific article. They say that 50% succeed on their first attempt. Wait hold on. This scientific article says out of "A total of 73,490 cases met criteria, and 57,920 (79%) died on their first SA." Wtf.

Well what the fuck.

Well shit, thanks for making me feel like a pussy BreakBone2BreakBond. :( How the hell are so many succeeding on their first try? Guns. It must be guns. That makes it the easiest.

I'll rephrase then, any method that isn't a gun is hard as hell to do. I guess hanging is also highly lethal on the first try. Okay fuck. >.< Okay, any attempts that are not hanging or firearms are hard as hell...

Wym their motives are random?

That article says of people who died of suicide, over half were trying for their first time. Still, most suicide attempts do not succeed.

97 percent of attempts fail. (https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/data.html)

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I'm sorry to hear about your failed attempts. Are you comfortable about talking more about them?

Sure. One was a hemlock attempt. One was a deadly nightshade attempt. And one was trying to cut my brachial and femoral arteries along with an OD on 5 different OTC medications. I had to have a blood transfusion and I got dizzy and cold but that was about it. I didn't know how hard it was to die from cutting until I found this forum. Or OTC meds. Evidentially you have to take thousands of pills to make that work and it's just not possible.

Yes

That article says of people who died of suicide, over half were trying for their first time. Still, most suicide attempts do not succeed.

97 percent of attempts fail. (https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/data.html)

Oh okay. So I was right the first time. That's *of* the people who died of suicide, gotcha. My brain is really busted down today. >.< Thanks.

 

[needthebus]

Sure. One was a hemlock attempt. One was a deadly nightshade attempt. And one was trying to cut my brachial and femoral arteries along with an OD on 5 different OTC medications. I had to have a blood transfusion and I got dizzy and cold but that was about it.

Oh okay. So I was right the first time. That's *of* the people who died of suicide, gotcha. My brain is really busted down today. >.< Thanks.

Well, you shouldn't trust me actually. Despite multiple attempts and avoiding psychiatry and psychology out of fears of being hospitalized, I'm apparently a "pro-life troll" according to @slowdance ... So take everything I say with a grain of salt...

Severe depression and sexual violence and suicide attempts and hatred of religion and psychiatry? Sounds like a recepie for being a pro-life troll...

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Well, you shouldn't trust me actually. Despite multiple attempts and avoiding psychiatry and psychology out of fears of being hospitalized, I'm apparently a "pro-life troll" according to @slowdance ... So take everything I say with a grain of salt...

Severe depression and sexual violence and suicide attempts and hatred of religion and psychiatry? Sounds like a recepie for being a pro-life troll...

Maybe the troll is the troll. They like to project. Don't pay it any mind. It's okay. You know who you are, and everyone else will too.

 

[needthebus]

Maybe the troll is the troll. They like to project. Don't pay it any mind. It's okay. You know who you are, and everyone else will too.

Or maybe I am bothered... Because it's true!!!

Who needs Sodium Nitrate when you can have a delicious cup of Seven Up? Make sure to stay alive for jesus and his Magic Superfriends and to make @slowdance and me happy, because as the official pro-life troll of SaSu, that's what I want for no apparent reason
Also I get your point re the liked post. Regarding that post, transgender suicides are harder for me to deal with because sometimes it seems like some ctb because of the cruel political climate and it makes me angry and hurt... It's like something that seems worse to me. Some of my posts have been cringe. I probably should just leave SaSu but figure I'll leave when I ctb. Perhaps if I do that people won't consider me a troll anymore and will believe I am real.