Did you think that at some point in your life you'd have some kind of resolution - a period where you'd finally be happy?

[Pain In The Ass]

...an epiphany moment, where you'd realise what makes you happy, and everything would fall into place, and you'd have a period of happiness before you die - probably 20 years of happiness, finally, at 55 onwards, something like that. I think I always assumed this would happen, and the hardest part of CTB for me, is acceptance that this will never happen. Maybe it's just a silly dream we're brainwashed into thinking will happen, if we just knuckle down and do things right, but maybe it's a lot less common than we think. Apparently,the most common regret when people learn they are going to die is that they didn't do what they really wanted to do with their life, and instead just followed the beaten path, which turned out to be disappointing. So maybe that resolution of happiness is just a fantasy for most. I dunno!

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Honestly no. I was doomed from the start.

 

[Clearly Canadian]

What I find myself coping with is that half my life I was desperately unhappy and suicidal for looong periods of time. Then happiness, bliss and love found its way to me. I am absolutely gutted that now it's forever gone and I find myself back to where I began.

 

[1TorturedByLife]

...an epiphany moment, where you'd realise what makes you happy, and everything would fall into place, and you'd have a period of happiness before you die - probably 20 years of happiness, finally, at 55 onwards, something like that. I think I always assumed this would happen, and the hardest part of CTB for me, is acceptance that this will never happen. Maybe it's just a silly dream we're brainwashed into thinking will happen, if we just knuckle down and do things right, but maybe it's a lot less common than we think. Apparently,the most common regret when people learn they are going to die is that they didn't do what they really wanted to do with their life, and instead just followed the beaten path, which turned out to be disappointing. So maybe that resolution of happiness is just a fantasy for most. I dunno!

I had my happy times, but now they're long gone. I don't know if I'm glad I had them or wish I never knew what it was like to have a nice life. I can't relate to it anymore at all. I don't even remember how it felt.

 

[ihopethisispainless]

That's how I feel. I'm so fucking angry that I found hope and it was so beautiful just to have it ripped away and all of my feelings of inferiority throughout my life were confirmed. I'm sorry.

What I find myself coping with is that half my life I was desperately unhappy and suicidal for looong periods of time. Then happiness, bliss and love found its way to me. I am absolutely gutted that now it's forever gone and I find myself back to where I began.

 

[JinZhin]

I have this thing where I rationalize how terribly I deal with existence 'going though some very dark times of my life', and I supposed that the time of me looking back on it from a happier place "should" happen, Idk, maybe that's just the effect of brainwashing, but it never really happened except through some form of temporary escapism.
And yeah, I think almost all of my life was 'going though some very dark times' in series that would often overlap.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's very depressing when you continually face only disappointment

 

[Enoughnow]

I had a time I thought I could be happy then my ex came along and destroyed everything now I know there's no chance of happiness for me I'm actually kind of relieved that I get to die soon but also scared I just wanna die peacefully maybe in my sleep or something I just wish I could click my fingers and be dead right now that'd be perfect

 

[hungry_ghost]

Yes.

I always had a hope that eventually I would get my shit together. I didn't have a plan, I didn't know how, but I just thought I would reach a turning point.

And yet, here I am, still in the same boat 10 years later.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Honestly, no. I thought I was doomed to be alone and miserable. Then I got to be "happy" for a bit but it was conditional on having a certain someone in my life. Me being me, I couldn't take that things were going "too well" and had to ruin things beyond salvation, even though at the time I made a certain set of decisions, things were entirely recoupable. In theory, I could gamble on someone again seeking a brilliant but fleeting thing but I'm far too beaten down from the 2.5 years of poisoning myself, plus I couldn't in good conscience bait someone into sharing a life with me, can't imagine the strain of living with someone who is passive to the point of being a burden 90% of the time and unpredictably self-destructive the other 10%. I think people like me seem very enticing initially, but with time others realise why we're alone. Honestly, in a way having experienced the "point of resolution" you speak of in a way, it just makes life after it blew up in my face seem all the more pathetic and unappealing.

 

[lili]

when I was a child and in my mid to early teens I had a lot of hope.

But after that I've lost hope.

There are moments where I am happy. Or have been. But I don't believe in the concept of reaching or searching for happiness. I think life is really brutal. In my late teens and early to mid 20s, I had no hope and believed life was a miserable place and I just wanted to die.

Late 20s I hated everything and I just wanted to fight. I felt the world is a cruel place and if no one cares about me I might as well care for myself. So I guess I had an energy boost there. Felt with so many suicide attempts if I can't die I will fight.

But I lost that will to fight the last two years. I haven't ever thought about reaching happiness. There will always be anger, there will always be misery. Even if your life momentarily feels good, I feel like something always happens. I think life has to be a mixture of all, like a roller coaster of crazy rides. I just wonder mostly, are the highlights worth the low points?
Right now the highlights aren't strong enough for my lows but I guess I'm not the best person for these questions.

 

[Al Cappella]

Happy, no. There are moments that approach something like happiness, but soon enough those are followed again by difficulties. I think there's the chance of being reasonably content, if mental health allows. But I really don't think there's anything like resolution. All just shades of the same continuum.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

No, not anymore. I think I hung around quite a while with the hope that things would somehow get better. They haven't. It's just too late in life now, for me, to ever realize what could have made things better. I guess I just waited too long, or maybe, just didn't really understand what it was that could have made me happy until it was too late. And there does come a time when it's too late for some things and just not worth it at that point.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

When I found my girlfriend she inspired me enough to believe that I would make sure things worked out one way or another. Maybe they would have maybe they wouldn't don't know. Once she left I stopped caring.

 

[WFJ74]

No. I've never believed I was entitled to a happy life. I've tried very hard for many years to make it a happy life and have failed time and again. Ive always believed that I was ultimately responsible for my own happiness so I kept trying. I never got there. It's no one's fault but my own.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, not at all. Nothing could ever make me want to live and happiness does not even exist to me. I have never wanted to be alive and I simply prefer the sound of non existence. Every moment of my life has always been suffering and that is all that it will ever be. There is nothing to be happy about in a world that is as horrible as this.

 

[Lullaby]

I always thought I'd around this time things would have improved, or at least I'd be heading in that direction, and for the first few months of this year, I genuinely thought it was actually starting to happen. I couldn't believe it.

I was wrong, and now I'm in probably the worst period I've ever been in my life. I've never been this depressed and defeated before. I think all ever wanted is to just be content with my life, not even happy, but just okay with everything and in a good place.

I'll be 28 in two months and with how I am currently, that definitely feels like a fantasy, or a fairytale. I'm not sure where I'll go from here, but all I know is that I'm just tired of climbing.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I just wish I could click my fingers and be dead right now that'd be perfect

that would be preferable over overdoses and hangings

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

I assumed that I'd have that epiphany moment too, where I finally felt at peace with everything, my self, my job, a life where I could connect with others without doubt or anxiety.

It's still a wistful dream, but at this point it's painful and mocking to even think about, much less believe in. I know better now. Even if I make peace with myself, I'll have to live with the weight of how unnecessarily rotten the world is. And to make peace with the world, I would need to give up myself. I am far too tired for it.

 

[motel rooms]

20 years of happiness, finally, at 55 onwards, something like that.

 

[Ness]

I used to think everything would all work out, somehow someway. But that stopped after I turned 16 and I realized life is just going to forever screw me over.

 

[Judy Garland]

I thought I was going to be happy in my 20s, happiness never came. I thought I was going to be happy in my 30s, happiness never came then either.

 

[vanillasilverberry]

I always have those moments where I'm happy but then they just disappear. I've gotten accustomed to the fact that I will never truly be happy in this life. For me it just seems that happiness just comes and goes when I hope that it will become permanent. But I know that it never will and I'm tired of continuing to have false hope.

 

[outatime_85]

I think turning things around could be a possibility for myself, however. I would still want to have certain things available should life become unrecoverable.

 

[jupiterwinds]

Yes. I thought I'd find a cure for my chronic and mental illnesses somehow, someday, and I could have a "normal" life. Didn't happen and the world is so fucked anyway.

 

[gwanath]

Yes. I had come to accept my past, and was more than happy to carry the burden because I finally saw freedom.

But unfortunately my abuser gave me a last gift before I made it out and it has finally destroyed me.

I think what hurts me the most is that I had survived years of horrors for it to end like this. I truly wanted to live and discover the world.

 

[Ligottian]

Just for one moment/ I'd thought I'd found my way
Destiny unfolded/ I watched it slip away

- Twenty Four Hours, Joy Division, written by Ian Curtis
Very relatable for me.

 

[Suspect_Device]

I didn't, but things worked out for me (after years of misery and suicide attempts) and life was passable for a full decade. I thought the bad times were behind me. But I was wrong, they are back worse than ever. Shit can improve but there is no bottom to how bad things can get and the trapdoor can open up under you anytime.