Did you expect yourself to end up suicidal?

[Final-push123]

For the most part I thought that I would make it, I did had my moments (once as a teen and once in my mid 20's) but I was able to overcome thoses crisis.

Now with climate change and the hell to come.
I really that in order to avoid living through hell (literally with 40C+ heatwave) I need to ctb before that happens.

If it wasn't that I wouldn't be suicidal

 

[Everlong]

mine was unexpected, as the only other previous real suicidal thought i had was once before coming off abilify, it was always psych drug related fuck these 'medications', what happened to you again 4hrs50min?

That shit fucked me up. I had a new NP. With 30 minutes he told me I was BP. Everyone told me to get away from him. Funny, he was right. But he had me on 4 meds instantly. Fucking zombie on top of a pretty hefty opioid addiction. The Ativan was awesome for coming off Kratom tincture and pills. I hadn't fucked with a benzos and glad I didn't. My shit got worse after all of the head meds. Fo sho.

 

[conflagration]

I wanted to ctb since I was 12. Most of my life I thought I will do it sooner or later.

 

[mojabaka]

Nope, not at all. Before taking that poison called "vaccine" I never even considered it. If you told me 16 months ago that I would be a member of such a forum and that this would be the only place where people would listen to me without censoring and ridiculung me, I would laufh at you and called you a conspiracy theorist. Jokes on me I guess, now I'm here and my life is over. I'm preparing my suicide dor December. Hopefully I'll have the balls to do it.

 

[Everlong]

I don't remember exactly how or when I became aware of the idea but it's been a faithful companion since I was 16. I've attempted a couple of times but with unsophisticated methods. So I think I lacked the will power to overcome the fear of failure and the consequences that would befall.
It seems constant in light of my current situation. It won't be impulsive. I at least owe my children that much.

 

[actual_fox]

I was completely miserable for most of my life. Bullies, no friends, loneliness, no sex and all that.
Then at age 21 I had this epiphany that I could just ... die.

Since then I attempted many times.

 

[Ceterum]

aged 20-30 I constantly suffered from suicidal thoughts, then I thought life could indeed turn for the better, found a good job, a relationship ... I wasn't what you call happy, but okayish for years - then I lost it all again and it's all back

 

[Haunted_One]

I think I've always known. I was a very sad and sometimes angry child. I first seriously contemplated suicide at 9 or 10. First real attempt was around 12.
Have had my stomach pumped 3 times.
Have scars on my wrists.

I think my first attempt was around 9-10 years old, it's a little foggy which isn't surprising. It hasn't gotten much better - if anything I found that with college and work I just got too busy to actually do much about the ideations.

 

[Ligottian]

Just for one moment, I thought I'd found my way/Destiny unfolded/ I watched it slip away!
-Ian Curtis

 

[Mia Wallace]

Suicidal depression since about 8. I'm 38 now and it's relentless. I can't believe I made it this far

 

[Teardrop2021]

When I was 16 I never would have imagined that my life would turn out this way. I was generally happy, though somewhat neurotic, up until I went to college. I had my first depressive episode there, and while I did have some suicidal thoughts, I eventually recovered and was able to live a relatively normal life. I had several more episodes throughout my 20s and 30s, but I still generally thought everything might be okay. But I had the most severe breakdown of my life due to the pandemic, and I still haven't been able to recover despite trying countless medications and treatments. Now it seems like suicide is inevitable for me and it's just a matter of how long I can hold off. A lot of times I cry because I can't believe it's come to this.

 

[Yakamoz]

Wouldn't say so. I was a very happy lad up until 2017.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I'm not sure which option to pick. I first really learned about the concept of ending your own life when I was 7 and a teenage girl that lived nearby jumped out of her window in a high-rise to her death. And I remember that my first reaction was "maybe I should also do it and my family will be happier", so technically I began to contemplate CTB as soon as I realized this option exists.
I haven't been consistently suicidal for all my life, I had several periods of suicidality. Sometimes things just got better somehow and I would let it go, sometimes there was an unsuccessful attempt before this happened. I know the idea of "it gets better" should've sunk into my brain by now, but honestly once I made my first attempt in my teens it was more or less "I'd live for as long as it is bearable and if it's not then I'd CTB". When things are okay, I don't think about it. When things are bad, I slip back into suicidality easily. Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure if this means I never really stop being lowkey suicidal.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I first wanted to CTB when I was 10 and the desire has always been with me to varying degrees. I'm creative too and while I know it's fucked up, I probably grew up perversely aspiring that a lot of artists kill themselves. (Not that I'm in the same league as them but maybe I have the same temperament.)

Hard to say which is 'worse'- a sudden- but presumably very intense wish to end it or a lingering wish to die. I guess a sudden feeling must have it's own intense frustration and desperation because- 'If only you could go back to when life was good.'

Alternatively- people who have felt this way for decades presumably don't have that 'better time' to mourn. Not so sure that's a good thing- there's no longer a reference point to aim for in terms of 'recovery.' I think it's possible to get to a point where you no longer even feel like you have the potential/ capacity to be happy.

Still, if the 'new to' suicidal person CAN'T get back what they lost- yeah- that's bad too. Let's just agree it's shit to be suicidal- whatever 'type' that may be.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Most definitely considering my negative experiences with other humans from a very young age. As days go by it becomes even more of a certainty.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I have been suicidal since about 10yo. I would envision my funeral; I'd draw pictures about it. I would write about how much I hated myself, and believed (well, still do), that everyone would be better off without me. I never saw a future for myself past the current life stage (ex. Not seeing myself in highschool after elementary, or post secondary after highschool). Despite this, people would tell me that I'd grow out of bpd and my suicidal thoughts, so I believed them, but that never happened. It's only gotten worse. I hope one day I'll find peace, whether that's in death (most likely) or in healing.

 

[lifeORdeath]

Not at all. Thought I was tougher. Boy was I wrong. My house of straw came crashing down around me

 

[Dot]

Nevr & slf resent evry dy tht am in ths positn

I have been suicidal since about 10yo. I would envision my funeral; I'd draw pictures about it. I would write about how much I hated myself, and believed (well, still do), that everyone would be better off without me. I never saw a future for myself past the current life stage (ex. Not seeing myself in highschool after elementary, or post secondary after highschool). Despite this, people would tell me that I'd grow out of bpd and my suicidal thoughts, so I believed them, but that never happened. It's only gotten worse. I hope one day I'll find peace, whether that's in death (most likely) or in healing.

cn rel8 2 ths excpt rathr thn thghts of suicde slf thght tht w.w.3 ws happn & wrld ws goin end & tht @ n.e tme slf wld b ded withn 6 mnths s/ cld nevr C a futre

 

[willitpass]

i had severe anger issues until age 9 from trauma. not long after those stopped i became depressed and was self harming by age 10. i remember my first suicidal thoughts also being at age 10. so yes i have been suicidal for the majority of my life

 

[Niirvana]

Yes, since I was 13 years old

 

[outrider567]

No--It was the last thing on my mind until January happened

 

[WitheringBird02]

Mine was just realisation i never knew what depression and sucide was but when i knew what these things were i realised i have been like this for years. So not shocked not expected just realisation.