Did you ever think you would grow up to be such a loser...

[Sleeper System]

I feel like I've become the definition of what I thought a loser was when I was younger person. I didn't think that things would turn out like this but in retrospect I don't remember ever putting too much thought to the future anyway. I guess I believed that I would always struggle in life and that things would suck so I just lived every day wasting time and doing what I wanted.

Being the 30 year old "adult" with no friends, no social life beyond online interaction, working a shitty job with no purpose, wasting time watching TV shows and movies alone, masterbating to porn, messing with escorts occasionally, being over weight and generally unattractive is what I've live 30 years to accomplish. My younger self would probably jump head first off a building if he could see what he will become.

I have had friends before but I always felt like the third wheel. Just an extra in the background and not really a main character. I have come to accept being alone every day and to be honest I don' really mind it.

It's just those times when you are alone with your thoughts and this sudden rush of loneliness hits you and you start feeling worthless. I think I will never find love or someone who wants me as much as I want them. I guess I'll have to apply the love I have to offer to a pet or something so I don't go insane.

No matter how sad I am I need to be sexually active in some way. The urges just don't turn off for me. One day they might and I don't know if it will he good or had. Probably bad. Just one more thing that is taken away from me.

You can change any aspect of your life with just some good old fashioned effort but my depression holds me back. I simply don't feel like applying energy to anything anymore. So everything that I dislike about my life I can't complain about because it's my own fault. And still... I complain. Nothing will ever change.

So I'll continue to wake up, go to work, come home, eat and spend hours laying in bed on social media watching other people live their lives, masterbate or pay for sex, fall asleep, and repeat the process over and over again. I know I'm pathetic.
I don't care anymore. I just wish I could ctb peacefully. I know I won't ever have the balls to do it because despite how crap my life is... some have it worse. So I guess my plan moving forward is to just keep doing what I do. If something comes up that I can't handle I will really consider n or sn. So conflicted. I think having money would solve all my problems. I would be the guy with money who was miserable like people describe. Unattainable dreams. Smh.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can be very painful as our thoughts can torture us and I know that it can be dreadful being trapped in such a depressing existence. I'm sorry that you suffer so much. In my case, I am not the problem but rather life is instead. Existence itself is so horrifying and unnecessary, it is the cause of all of our suffering. I never asked to be here, I never asked for any of this. It is sad how much pain exists in this world. I wish you the best.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I dont know. I suppose i could be a "winner" if i really wanted to. Me being a "loser" is a choice. I just don't like or respect myself, so why change?

 

[RainAndSadness]

I'm sorry you're going through so much suffering. I relate to your situation a lot. Regarding your question. I don't know. I don't think so. I had ambitions in the past despite my early struggles in life. I wanted to study back when I was young. I had plans and goals and I wanted to achieve something. 10 years later, I've lost everything. I failed life in every regard. I've abandoned all of my dreams. I gave up on life in 2017.

 

[Sleeper System]

I dont know. I suppose i could be a "winner" if i really wanted to. Me being a "loser" is a choice. I just don't like or respect myself, so why change?

I was always told by people that I had potential if I just applied myself.
Being lazy is one of my many weaknesses.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Meh. I could probably achieve things if I really put my mind to it, but nothing really seems worth putting forth any effort. We all turn to dust before long. If I can get by on barest of bare minimum effort and live for getting obliterated, I will until it's no longer appealing. Somehow, I sincerely doubt a life of trying to be productive would have me feeling much better.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Everything went better than expected

 

[Sleeper System]

I'm sorry you're going through so much suffering. I relate to your situation a lot. Regarding your question. I don't know. I don't think so. I had ambitions in the past despite my early struggles in life. I wanted to study back when I was young. I had plans and goals and I wanted to achieve something. 10 years later, I've lost everything. I failed life in every regard. I've abandoned all of my dreams. I gave up on life in 2017.

I have to work to survive because I have no one and nothing to fall back on. I envy people with parents who have their own houses. I WISH I was a loser living in grandma's basement like people with their lives together like to say to us to belittle us. If I just "give up" I would be homeless living much worse than I am now. I have to cling to this life I'm living until something happens that really makes me want to ctb. If I lose my job or my place and can't get either back in a few months then that would be my breaking point.

Everything went better than expected

I can agree actually. A lot less bad then it could be. I guess it's when you compare where you are to where you think you should or could be. My depression comes from overthinking that just doesn't let up.

Meh. I could probably achieve things if I really put my mind to it, but nothing really seems worth putting forth any effort. We all turn to dust before long. If I can get by on barest of bare minimum effort and live for getting obliterated, I will until it's no longer appealing. Somehow, I sincerely doubt a life of trying to be productive would have me feeling much better.

I feel the same.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

My degree of loserdom is far beyond anything I ever would've imagined…

 

[Niko66]

I turned out worse than I had imagined, in reality as I grew older the more and more negative I became about everything including my future. I was always a bit of a loser anyway, I just thought maybe things would turn out ok, I bought into that fantasy a bit but it was all wrong, this life I am leading is a nightmare, almost anything that I hoped for didn't and will never happen.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Honestly no. I thought I'd be a normal grownup at 18 and when that didn't happen I thought for sure I'd finally snap into being a real adult by the time I was 26. When that didn't happen I knew it was pretty much over for me.

 

[Squiddy]

I'm sorry life has treated you so unfairly.

If I had known that I would turn out like this, I probably would've ended it years ago :( life really does suck

 

[butterfly3]

I thoroughly remember me being a kid,
prob around 9 or 10, fantasising about me being a teenager with loads of friends and relationships, going out to parties every night, getting the most amazing of grades etc. Now I'm im the complete opposite of that and more. If young me saw me now she'd probably start crying at how much of a loser I am

 

[waitingforrest]

I always thought that when I turn 18, I would be like all the other adults and have motivation to move forward in life. But as a adult, nothing changed, it was not wonderful and magical as the adults around me said. The things I have experienced stop me from doing what is successful, make be think the answer to everything is ctb

As morbid as it is, if I could say something to my younger self, I would just tell them to end it because it gets worse. "I should have appreciated the teachers that cared about me more, the kids that acknowledged my existence as well. I would tell them to never ask for "help" because it makes things worse. The grades I get doesn't matter shit because at the end, I would still be a shut-in.
No one will care unless you pay them to acknowledge your own existence. The most that anymore will say is they are so nice and smart and I didn't know why they ctb, they should have reached out and ask for help.The more I grew up, the more messed up I will become. The quality of life in the future just gets worse." That's what I would tell my younger self, so the tiny sense of hope will be gone.

Now, only dreams and goals in future depress me. geting older, I lose more and more people, and at the end, it's just me staring at a reflection of myself.

I don't recognize what I see anymore.


(The brain is dumb today. Probably won't remember this comment when I snap out of it and ask myself what the fuck was I thinking to write such cringe.)

 

[lonelyflyinginsect]

Gosh, you almost pointed out to my life and situation, even our age is similar for god sake.

I don't know what to say but I can reassure you that having money wouldn't have solve this issue, or at least, it didn't for me. I'm not super rich but I'm no where around being a poor in my country.

I don't know what happened. I think we were just destined for this. Overexpected from myself and now I don't even try doing Anything, not even my video games excites me anymore.

How I really wish life had a reset button.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Gosh, you almost pointed out to my life and situation, even our age is similar for god sake.

I don't know what to say but I can reassure you that having money wouldn't have solve this issue, or at least, it didn't for me. I'm not super rich but I'm no where around being a poor in my country.

I don't know what happened. I think we were just destined for this. Overexpected from myself and now I don't even try doing Anything, not even my video games excites me anymore.

How I really wish life had a reset button.

I think if I was a billionaire I would want to CTB even more. The absolute decadence of it all would be mind blowing and burn me out

 

[Sleeper System]

There is a weight on my shoulders when it comes to financial stability. I don't think that if I was rich I would want to ctb. I feel like I could explore this world more and find my passion. If anything, having money would just obscure the idea of ctb for a little while longer.

 

[Funeralprincess]

There is a weight on my shoulders when it comes to financial stability. I don't think that if I was rich I would want to ctb. I feel like I could explore this world more and find my passion. If anything, having money would just obscure the idea of ctb for a little while longer.

It's funny you say this because wealthy people have very high suicide rates. I've talked to a few on this forum who are well off that are so eager to die because despite having money, nobody really loves them for them. Money is nice, but so is being cared for and a lot of rich people are empty inside

 

[Slimetae]

ehh I was pretty much fucked from the beginning life's been chaos since childhood but I had alittle hope thought I had a chance then I realized how fucked up I am now I just exist lonely broke unemployed living off relatives never hit normal milestones only thing I'm really looking forward to is dying idk if I'll go to heaven or hell if it's real idrc tho if I had money tho I'd definitely change my family's life and then just check myself into the best treatment center and just tell them everything

 

[Hurt]

No. My life is a nightmare I never dreamed of.

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

most of my school years i grew up thinking i was gonna be a WWF wrestler and have a huge mansion like on hogan knows best and mtv cribs i thought all that would come easy.

Gosh if only i knew how hard it would be to achieve things and be realistic lol

 

[Capsaicin78]

I never thought I'd become such a piece of shit... but here we are. Well only one way to solve this dilemma for me hahaha.

 

[MellowAvenue]

I started to feel that way in high school, that I was basically destined to be a failure because I wasted so many opportunities to possibly better my future in life. Sometimes I shake it long enough to trick myself into thinking I can turn it around but reality always seems to come crashing back down on me.

 

[Talks]

life can be very unfair..