Venting Did you always wish to not exist here?

[FuneralCry]

I've certainly always wished to not exist and as soon as I was aware of what death was it comforted me, only non-existence has ever been desirable for me as to me that is true peace, it's safety and relief from suffering, I'm not meant for existence and I could never wish to be either, I only belong in the ideal state of eternal nothingness.

Existence was never something appealing or beneficial in the first place, it was always undesirable as after all existence itself really is the true problem, I think it's such a dreadful thing being trapped in this world filled with harm with all the unpredictability and uncertainty, there's no peace and relief from suffering in existing, there's no rest and escape from ourselves, existence is a burden that I've never wished to endure.

Existing is pointless and futile as well leading to nothing and nowhere, existing has never particularly interested me, it's an undesirable chore which only death can bring me relief from and I have enough awareness to recognise that existing just leads to suffering all while we slowly decay.

I see existence as being a tragic, unnecessary disturbance in what would otherwise be the most ideal state of non-existence, there is nothing to be gained by existence, it's just a horrific mistake, something that just causes harm and I've only ever wished for true peace from it all. Wanting to fall asleep forever is pretty much all I know.

 

[Forever Sleep]

No- I first had ideation when I was 10. I don't think I constantly wanted to not exist after that- although, it's kind of always been there as a reasonable thought- as in- life REALLY doesn't seem worth it. I have managed to distract myself here and there though.

Was your first memory really that you realised you were alive and didn't want to be? Did you play with toys as a child? Or- have favourite programmes? Was there REALLY nothing fun in your life- even back then? Even if it was tinged with unhappiness- could you never distract yourself?

I don't know. It is hard to imagine an entire life devoid of any happy moments. Even brief ones. My childhood wasn't exactly all happy. In fact- quite a lot of horrible things happened for me early on. Still- there's something about being a child that at least made it easier to let go and be distracted- lack of responsibilities I guess. Did you never feel excited about stuff? Christmas, Santa, Birthdays? Sorry to grill you! It just seems sad to have no good times to look back on whatsoever.

Not that that always helps of course! Some poor people here have wonderful memories that they probably think are gone for good. That can be super upsetting too.

 

[Darkover]

i was happy growing up into i reached 18 years old, a relationship breakup left me despairing then the reality of life hit me like a ton of bricks, learning we die it's an extremely oppressive environment especially because we are hardwired to survive, that and the thought nobody would ever care for again which became a self fulfilling prophecy, honestly i hope that when we die that's it for all time i wouldn't want to exist ever again not after this lifetime

 

[LifeDestroyedMe]

I've certainly always wished to not exist and as soon as I was aware of what death was it comforted me, only non-existence has ever been desirable for me as to me that is true peace, it's safety and relief from suffering, I'm not meant for existence and I could never wish to be either, I only belong in the ideal state of eternal nothingness.

Existence was never something appealing or beneficial in the first place, it was always undesirable as after all existence itself really is the true problem, I think it's such a dreadful thing being trapped in this world filled with harm with all the unpredictability and uncertainty, there's no peace and relief from suffering in existing, there's no rest and escape from ourselves, existence is a burden that I've never wished to endure.

Existing is pointless and futile as well leading to nothing and nowhere, existing has never particularly interested me, it's an undesirable chore which only death can bring me relief from and I have enough awareness to recognise that existing just leads to suffering all while we slowly decay.

I see existence as being a tragic, unnecessary disturbance in what would otherwise be the most ideal state of non-existence, there is nothing to be gained by existence, it's just a horrific mistake, something that just causes harm and I've only ever wished for true peace from it all. Wanting to fall asleep forever is pretty much all I know.

I wasn't suicidal until I got poisoned with antipsychotics which have left me brain damaged. Before this I was happy with my life, I miss it so much.

 

[FuneralCry]

No- I first had ideation when I was 10. I don't think I constantly wanted to not exist after that- although, it's kind of always been there as a reasonable thought- as in- life REALLY doesn't seem worth it. I have managed to distract myself here and there though.

Was your first memory really that you realised you were alive and didn't want to be? Did you play with toys as a child? Or- have favourite programmes? Was there REALLY nothing fun in your life- even back then? Even if it was tinged with unhappiness- could you never distract yourself?

I don't know. It is hard to imagine an entire life devoid of any happy moments. Even brief ones. My childhood wasn't exactly all happy. In fact- quite a lot of horrible things happened for me early on. Still- there's something about being a child that at least made it easier to let go and be distracted- lack of responsibilities I guess. Did you never feel excited about stuff? Christmas, Santa, Birthdays? Sorry to grill you! It just seems sad to have no good times to look back on whatsoever.

Not that that always helps of course! Some poor people here have wonderful memories that they probably think are gone for good. That can be super upsetting too.

I cannot really remember much of being very young but I just have bad memories from what I remember, I have autism which means I'm not meant for existing here, I was never really content with existence, I've always got easily tired and stressed.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I cannot really remember much of being very young but I just have bad memories from what I remember, I have autism which means I'm not meant for existing here, I was never really content with existence, I've always got easily tired and stressed.

That's so sad. I'm so sorry. It does sound as if it has robbed your life of any pleasure. It's not to say life is all that great but- to never be able to find relief has got to feel exhausting. I don't know a lot about autism but I do know that sensory stimuli can feel overwhelming and it's got to be so irritating to just be aware of it all the time. Honestly, sometimes noises from the neighbours drive me up the wall- especially if they are constant. It must really hack away at any quality of life. Not to blame it entirely on that. I think you are right overall about the futility of existence! Still- it can't help if you can't have peace in life. I'm sorry.

 

[Walilamdzii]

I had low mood on and off growing up, then I met someone and it was really the first and last time I felt happy. Everything has gone downhill from there.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

Yes. A 7 year old girl in my area died recently from drowning, and I am so jealous of that death. That kid escaped from the curse of puberty, potential rude and evil bastards, and a lot more. If only I died when I was young.

 

[Lulzacruel]

Yes. A (REDACTED FOR PRIVACY) year old girl in my area died (REDACTED) from drowning, and I am so jealous of that death. That kid escaped from the curse of puberty, potential rude and evil bastards, and a lot more. If only I died when I was young.

FYI, if you want to remain anonymous on sasu, dont divulge specific details about your living area, especially recent events. I've redacted the identifying details in case.

I know this is extremely off-topic to the discussion at hand, but i need to spread the good-will of OPSEC around sasu whenever someone leaks information that could identify them.

If you need to share the story, just say "a girl drowned in my area" without mention of timing or age. Lots of kids die from drowning, but exact ages and timing can leak your living area.

 

[Hollowman]

I had a lot of fun growing up. At 16 a mixture of illegal and legal drugs wrecked my personality, memory, cognition and other things. My life's never been the same and pschiatry couldn't help.

 

[Chara]

Personally cannot ever recall wanting to live or exist; have been wanting to know the why however as soon as the why became a word though. It didn't exactly become not wanting to exist until six (aba "therapy" started) and actively wanting to make existence stop started around eight. Haven't backtracked on that realization since though.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

FYI, if you want to remain anonymous on sasu, dont divulge specific details about your living area, especially recent events. I've redacted the identifying details in case.

I know this is extremely off-topic to the discussion at hand, but i need to spread the good-will of OPSEC around sasu whenever someone leaks information that could identify them.

If you need to share the story, just say "a girl drowned in my area" without mention of timing or age. Lots of kids die from drowning, but exact ages and timing can leak your living area.

Thanks. I have learned my lesson.

 

[020x]

I feel like the thought of not wishing to exist anymore only comes to an individual's mind when something starts to squeeze all the potential future and hope of positive and fun life out of them, leaving them in a prison with endless suffering, hopelessly. Life has to be good for us to wish to exist in it. I felt both sides. I'm in this forum just like every other person that lost the motivation to exist anymore. Doesn't matter if our lives were destroyed by our own stupidity or by something out of our control.

 

[SolomonKado]

Growing up I based my life on working hard, being kind and helpful to others, etc. I would see movies, tv shows, anime where these type of people almost always had support from others and strong relationships. Making it a very fulfilled life. When I look back at my childhood after my father died tragically all I see is me alone. Struggling just to survive the onslaught everyday. That was the rest of my life.

I didn't play the game that some people play to get ahead and that left me stagnant wherever I was. I became stubborn because I wouldn't put up with the evils in our lives and strongly tried to act against them for "others well-being" and my own.

If I was really doing any good then my life wouldn't be this way now. All its left me is alone and too tired to fight anymore. Some of the harder troubles and traumas have left me bitter, depressed, and not capable of functioning way before I even become "over the hill."

Non existence would be peace to a life wrought with pain and loneliness. Nothingness would be a god-send.

 

[Pomegranate]

I feel like the thought of not wishing to exist anymore only comes to an individual's mind when something starts to squeeze all the potential future and hope of positive and fun life out of them, leaving them in a prison with endless suffering, hopelessly. Life has to be good for us to wish to exist in it. I felt both sides. I'm in this forum just like every other person that lost the motivation to exist anymore. Doesn't matter if our lives were destroyed by our own stupidity or by something out of our control.

Yes, yes, yes. If us sufferers were given a choice between a better life and death, I bet most of us would choose a better life. After all, death is gonna happen either way, so why not have an enjoyable life? But the keyword is enjoyable, not painful. I'd rather go back to the state of existing as a bunch of lifeless atoms than go through a life full of pain and suffering, and all for what? Is there really a prize at the end? It's good that some people are having good lives, but for us who have terrible lives and can't get ourselves out of the pit, death seems palatable.

 

[SolomonKado]

you could tell me I'd have a better life and I still wouldn't believe the person giving me a choice ultimately choosing death anyways.

 

[ag0raph0b1a]

My mom always tells me I was a happy baby, always smiling, I apparently rarely cried. I can't pinpoint when, but sometime in my preteens/early teens a switch flipped, I went from someone who was mostly happy despite being picked on and bullied to someone who couldn't stomach the idea of living. I wish I could remember if there was an event that made me who I am now but I just remember waking up one day and having a burning desire to SH or CTB.

I think there were moments in between when I was happy, but those moments were like snow-globes, isolated, locked away in a globe of glass and it felt futile to try and recreate that feeling outside of that little moment. Now almost 10 years later, after telling myself at every step that I would finally be happy if I reached blank goal or finally got this or that, I realize that this is me, no physical thing around me is going to change the fact that I don't want to live

 

[Arachnid_Antichrist]

I mean, kinda? I remember as a kid I would pray for for to kill me. I don't remember why. I just wanted to die. My parents emotionally abused me so I think that could be why. I was young and I wanted a way out. I wanted the mental torment to end. But I also remember liking things. Like, I like aquatic animals, reptiles, and bugs and I want d to stay around just to see them (I still do). But, at the same time, I just can't fathom being alive. I wake up every morning to existential dread. I can't leave the house without having a panic attack and I have no energy to do anything. I've just always lived in a constant state of pain, torment, and suffering with little to know way out.

Yes, yes, yes. If us sufferers were given a choice between a better life and death, I bet most of us would choose a better life. After all, death is gonna happen either way, so why not have an enjoyable life? But the keyword is enjoyable, not painful. I'd rather go back to the state of existing as a bunch of lifeless atoms than go through a life full of pain and suffering, and all for what? Is there really a prize at the end? It's good that some people are having good lives, but for us who have terrible lives and can't get ourselves out of the pit, death seems palatable.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL OMG

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I have had suicidal ideation since I'd say 12? I'm autistic so the comprehension of death only came much later. Ever since a breakup and learning about sasu I have really understood what death and especially suicide meant. Even without a full understanding of the topic I definitely didn't want to exist despite what others told me.

It's hard to say whether or not I always wanted to exist. I'd say the more I learnt about what death and suicide meant the more I desired that outcome for myself.