Help Did anyone stopped being suicidal?

[Catastrofe]

Hi everyone. I joined this forum on April 2023, following a deep crisis due to a specific event - veey small from the outside, but still...
I have been suicidal during 4 different stages of life.
The first one when I was very little, like 7 or 8 yo. With my psychologist it turned out it was a will to escape from the situation I was in: my family and school. It was nothing abusive, not in a heavy way, but it is obvious I was living it as discomfortable. The suicide thing was like "running away".
All the other times it was connected with romantic relationships, which are something I really struggle with.
Now I have been being suicidal for 4 years continuously. It is not only thinking, I have almost everything to go so I have have a plan.

The question is... because they presented themselves several times, I am afraid that - even though I find a way out of the situation I am in now - suicidal thoughts may come back in the future. The last time I thought I overcame that, but I was eventually wrong.

So, here is the question. Was anyone of you suicidal, and then stopped somehow? Did therapy help?

Thank you to anyone who will share life experience.

 

[istheretrulyalife?]

I was not suicidal for a few years after I (discreetly) attempted to ctb by overdosing on my sleep medicine. I wasn't educated back then. Now I have suicidal thoughts again but I want to give life a few more years.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Depressed since age 6, I have always been suicidal to varying degrees. In my experience it never truly goes away. It's always lurking deep within, even in periods of recovery.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I wasn't suicidal for most of my life but it was always clear to me that suicide is a legal option under certain circumstances for me. Like you I have a plan and everything is ready to ctb.

Since several years I'm actively suicidal sometimes more sometimes less because my personal life isn't going the way I want it to go and I don't find a satisfying way out of it which leads to depressive episodes, no motivation and so on. And this is so tiring. Should this situation change in a positive way for me I'm sure I will not even have a single thought about suicide at all. Dunno when I'll reach my point of total desperation and hopelessness then I'll CTB.

But yes, suicide was always and will always be a legal option for me under certain circumstances.

 

[Rintiva]

I have been severely depressed since third grade. Ever since I've gotten the right med dosage, I'm no longer actively suicidal(it's been about 4 years now) I still deal with depression and lack of motivation , but it feels manageable and I've found peace with it. I'm actually probably going to lower my dosage for the first time ever, as I find myself needing it less and less

 

[catowice]

Indeed it just lurks. Indeed it always feels like (and probably is) a choice. Am not sure at which point it has became this way, maybe it goes and comes so many times it just became sort of a friend to have around.

But then the fact that it's been here for so long gives enough time to consider, if I can ctb today then I can also ctb tomorrow i.e. It's literally the most important decision you can ever make, and it's a one-way.

Which is kind of why I'm still pushing on in this state. Over time I find enough fun to keep myself alive for a while longer. And I like to experience things I don't get to experience, and to write my own stories that I can read later.

Somehow therapy made it worse for me. I would still recommend it but probably I need something else.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Before puberty. Maybe second third grade is when I said to my parents I'd rather be dead. But the world scared me before and I have vague memories of me wanting to escape certain situations, being uncomfortable around people, particularly larger groups, feeling like I was in a strange place that doesn't bid you welcome. I remember when a carnival stopped by my house and these assholes gorillas scared the crap out of me. My little baby soul wanted to die right there because the gorillas were so mean.

The feeling never really left me.

 

[flyingrabbitt]

I had a plan set for this summer with a full means to go through with it, I was planning it for months yet, here I am. I've been suicidal for well over 12 years and honestly the thoughts do get better. I'm somewhat happy to wake up every morning even if I am still suffering, I'm learning to appreciate life and its beauty. Therapy definitely helped though past therapists didn't because the root of my issues was severe cptsd which I had dissociative amnesia for so no one ever realised, now I'm working through the trauma and it's like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I still see ctb as a possibility but it's one of the many options to end my suffering rather than the only way out of it. Finding a therapist who really understands and having a good support system is definitely the biggest factor in me getting better.

 

[Catastrofe]

Thanks to anyone who shared their experience.

 

[SoftWorries]

I've become a little too depressed lately to be actively suicidal. It takes too much energy. So it's more like I'm already dead right now.

 

[deadliftEnjoyer]

Joined this forum on the end of last year, on the peak of my ideation
Had a plan to ctb and the required items
Then in January I got my dream software engineering job, great compensation and culture, stopped being suicidal for a few months. Now I am back almost as bad as before
Seems like material things won't fix depression, who could have imagined

 

[DerBopo]

I've always had depression growing up and wanted to ctb for most of my life, therapy helped somewhat but being on the verge of ctb i decided to try all my options before ctb seeing as I still see hope in life, trying alot of different things still to this day but after i basically completely changed my life some depression and suicidal thoughts persisted altho they are alot weaker then they used to be, the main things that helped me were self-improvement, switching religions, switching Lifestyle and living as the person who I wanted to be.

Still am suicidal to this day but i find moments where I truly enjoy living.

 

[Tobacco]

I'm borderline depressed. It just stopped because I'm not working right now and also left school. I'm at the mercy of just having another bad experience and I'll feel the abbyss will drag me in...

 

[sadstuffie]

in my experience, it is kind of like having other mental illnesses...you get better & the thoughts aren't as frequent, but it's always going to seem like an option in the back of your mind. ive made many efforts to improve my life & can say mostly i am happy...but sometimes i want to fall back into negative patterns , thinking how easy it would be to stop everything if i wanted....but it can wait for now, death will come sooner than we realize, so you should enjoy the moment for now.

 

[illvoid]

I wouldn't say that I stopped feeling suicidal. However I have a lot more things now that I enjoy and think are worth living for that I didn't have before. I still don't really enjoy life, but at the end of the day, life is all I have. Sometimes it feels more worth it than others.

 

[Catastrofe]

Thank you again everyone

 

[synthcadia]

for me, the suicidal thoughts really subsided and got better when my life situation got better, i guess. i tried therapy but my therapist gaslit me. so it just kinda faded i guess.

 

[dogtired]

Yes, I entirely stopped being suicidal after years of mental illness including 8 months on a psych ward, drug addiction and 2 stints in rehab which did nothing and felt for a long time like I'd never get better. Miraculously I did, and the suicidal thoughts dissipated. Now years later I'm having to kill myself for an entirely different reason (developed an incurable physical illness in a sick twist of fate) but I don't want to die, I just have no choice, and at least I'm proof that you can recover from suicidal thoughts caused by mental illness.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Sort of, I guess? I'm not actively suicidal, have no plans to off myself for the foreseeable future, but I'm fairly sure I'll do it eventually.

The thing that got me out of my last slump was starting therapy right after I went through some heavy stuff. I already had an appointment before the events happened, so it was entirely coincidental. I've been building up on the work I've done with my analyst, and these days suicide is not something I'm actively considering or thinking about.