Did anyone here have controlling and abusive parents?

[ScorpiusDragon]

If so, do you think it's contributed to your current suicidal thoughts? Why or why not? Do you think the effects of what happened to you in your childhood ever fully go away?

 

[Final Escape]

Yes, I think having been made to feel unwanted, ignored, by both my parents. I grew up with my mother only and around some men who weren't my bio father. I had a very distorted view of relationships, love. As I got closer to my teen years my mother became more psychologically abusive towards me. I internalized all this shit and when I sought help unfortunately I went to the doctor instead of looking for spiritual healing. Doctors and psychiatrists were only interested in pushing pills on me as if my chaotic history had no bearing on why I was in pain. Having been neglected and abused is not a chemical imbalance lol! I didn't have a mental illness, I just had a damaged world view and difficulty regulating emotions.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Yes, I think having been made to feel unwanted, ignored, by both my parents. I grew up with my mother only and around some men who weren't my bio father. I had a very distorted view of relationships, love. As I got closer to my teen years my mother became more psychologically abusive towards me. I internalized all this shit and when I sought help unfortunately I went to the doctor instead of looking for spiritual healing. Doctors and psychiatrists were only interested in pushing pills on me as if my chaotic history had no bearing on why I was in pain. Having been neglected and abused is not a chemical imbalance lol! I didn't have a mental illness, I just had a damaged world view and difficulty regulating emotions.

How old are you now if you don't mind me asking?
I'm 25. One of my biggest fears is living to my old age with the memories and after-effects of the childhood abuse I experienced. This is one of the reasons I'm seriously considering suicide.

 

[memataporfavor]

I live with a borderline mother (I'm also borderline, but unlike her I go to specialists to treat my condition) and I think our fkd up relationship is the main reason I'm suicidal (not the only tho). When she gets mad, she's unable to control herself/ dialogue. We constantly fight. She can be very abusive depending on her mood. I can't stand her anymore, we've hurt eachother so bad overtime I don't think our relationship could ever be saved. Our arguments are getting worse and worse over time. I'm 20, currently studying and have no income. I struggle with my mental health which makes it very harder for me to get a job and study at the same time. I know the best for me would be to leave, but I find myself so wrapped up in our madness. And I know no matter what I do she'll always be my mother and the only person I have in this world. During my childhood I remember her having troubles controlling her rage ( and hitting me eventually), but she was not a bad parent. She used to work all the time (still does), but I get the situation, I'm not ungratefull, I know she did it for me. She's been depressed since I can remember. Things have gotten physical a couple of times between us and I seriously can't stand it anymore. Things started to get bad when I was around 10/11, the time I started to think for myself and see the unfairness of some punishments of her.

SO yea, I think our upbringing has a lot to do to our current state. And no, I don't think I'll ever recover from this situation, I don't think I'll ever be able to respect her properly or even love her the way I did when I was a baby.

 

[Final Escape]

How old are you now if you don't mind me asking?
I'm 25. One of my biggest fears is living to my old age with the memories and after-effects of the childhood abuse I experienced. This is one of the reasons I'm seriously considering suicide.

I'm 42 and still carrying it around but then I ended up further traumatizing myself by not being very aware of stuff in general. I ended up falling into every possible trap over the years and now just really hating life. I'm unsure to what degree it was trauma or I'm just that stupid that I could destroy myself to this degree. Had I gotten some sort of help early with it, I might not have harmed myself so much but I really damaged myself quite badly over the years. Trauma piled on trauma, failure after failure, repeated mistakes. I noticed Elvis died at 42 in the year I was born and thinking yep this is my year to gtfo too.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I'm 42 and still carrying it around but then I ended up further traumatizing myself by not being very aware of stuff in general. I ended up falling into every possible trap over the years and now just really hating life. I'm unsure to what degree it was trauma or I'm just that stupid that I could destroy myself to this degree. Had I gotten some sort of help early with it, I might not have harmed myself so much but I really damaged myself quite badly over the years. Trauma piled on trauma, failure after failure, repeated mistakes. I noticed Elvis died at 42 in the year I was born and thinking yep this is my year to gtfo too.

I guess that's a good sign that I should end it before it gets worse. Thanks.

I live with a borderline mother (I'm also borderline, but unlike her I go to specialists to treat my condition) and I think our fkd up relationship is the main reason I'm suicidal (not the only tho). When she gets mad, she's unable to control herself/ dialogue. We constantly fight. She can be very abusive depending on her mood. I can't stand her anymore, we've hurt eachother so bad overtime I don't think our relationship could ever be saved. Our arguments are getting worse and worse over time. I'm 20, currently studying and have no income. I struggle with my mental health which makes it very harder for me to get a job and study at the same time. I know the best for me would be to leave, but I find myself so wrapped up in our madness. And I know no matter what I do she'll always be my mother and the only person I have in this world. During my childhood I remember her having troubles controlling her rage ( and hitting me eventually), but she was not a bad parent. She used to work all the time (still does), but I get the situation, I'm not ungratefull, I know she did it for me. She's been depressed since I can remember. Things have gotten physical a couple of times between us and I seriously can't stand it anymore. Things started to get bad when I was around 10/11, the time I started to think for myself and see the unfairness of some punishments of her.

SO yea, I think our upbringing has a lot to do to our current state. And no, I don't think I'll ever recover from this situation, I don't think I'll ever be able to respect her properly or even love her the way I did when I was a baby.

I have a job at a law firm, and most people think I'm successful. All the "success" doesn't mean shit to me though because I'm in pain everyday.

 

[memataporfavor]

I guess that's a good sign that I should end it before it gets worse. Thanks.

I have a job at a law firm, and most people think I'm successful. All the "success" doesn't mean shit to me though because I'm in pain everyday.

I know what you mean. People think that having money, a nice career, being popular, getting laid, etc. necessarily means you're happy and loves life. But no, I don't think I'll ever be able to truly enjoy anything even if I have any of those things. I feel dead inside, to me, everything's pointless. I'm just waiting for the right time, the perfect method. No matter how priviledged I am I can't help but feeling that way, and that makes me feel even worse.
Some relationships are just too toxic, or you get rid of 'em or they drain you completely

 

[Final Escape]

How old are you now if you don't mind me asking?
I'm 25. One of my biggest fears is living to my old age with the memories and after-effects of the childhood abuse I experienced. This is one of the reasons I'm seriously considering suicide.

I'm 42 and still carrying it around but then I ended up further traumatizing myself by not being very aware of stuff in general. I ended up falling into every possible trap over the years and now just really hating life. I'm unsure to what degree it was trauma or just that stupid that I could destroy myself to this degree. Had I gotten some sort of help early with it, I might not have harmed myself so much but I really damaged myself quite badly over the years. Trauma piled on trauma, failure after failure, repeated mistakes. I noticed Elvis died at 42 in the year I was born and thinking yep this is my year to gtfo too.

I guess that's a good sign that I should end it before it gets worse. Thanks.

I have a job at a law firm, and most people think I'm successful. All the "success" doesn't mean shit to me though because I'm in pain everyday.

I think my life is an extreme example of failing miserably when I probably did have some potential. I would not assume your life will get worse because mine got progressively worse. It just depends on wether u can get help to overcome stuff or at least educate yourself about important life decisions u don't want to get wrong. You will suffer in life no matter what but u can avoid bad decisions that can compound it.