Diary of Regen

[Regen]

Diary of Regen

I have decide that I must stay alive. Not because I love life or myself, but because of two things: my children and my survival instinct.

Probably I should give up being here in this side. I tried to do that a long time ago, but right now I dont think I can. One thing is, I love that community and the other thing is, this part of me that thinks about suicide is too big to just push away. I think my path right now cant't be to push the suicide and depression issue aside but to learn to live with it and accept that this is a part of me. But I dont want to give this part of me the power to destroy my whole life. And especially not the life and soul of my completely innocent children.

The last month were hard, I had no strength to go on. I just lay around and contemplated suicide or something similar. And one day I realized that I was actually already dead for my children. Physically present, but not emotionally available. I saw that there were really only two options, either end my physical presence as well, or give recovery another serious try. I will try (almost) everything until the end of the year to change again and then decide again.

Since I love this site and to motivate myself I will write here. I dont expect you guys to read my stuff, I just do it for me. I feel less lonely if I write it here in this forum instead writing down on a paper at home.


My therapy session today was different. I took off one more mask and was more honest than usual. It is not at all my conscious decision to be dishonest with my psychologist, because she is really incredibly nice, empathetic and hangs herself very purely emotionally. But being dishonest is so automatic. I don't mean lying, but embellishing in a way. I let the healthy sides in me resonate and told about their difficulties instead of telling about my really black side.

Today I said that I find life and people terrible and that I think this is the real truth and that it feels to me that all those who feel differently have a disorder of perception and not me. But that I absolutely want to try everything again in 2023. And that I am absolutely ready to follow their suggestions in therapy, even if I do not believe that they will help with me.

Not because I don't think they will help very many people, but because I don't think they will help me specifically. But I am willing. I'm going to go with it. I'm really open to it.

But to have been so completely honest has felt very liberating. It took pressure off of me. I think I'm on a path that looks beautiful. There are trees and meadows, even if I'm walking alone.

 

[whywere]

You are such an awesome soul! I cried with pure happiness reading your post. You have a pure heart, and this is one of the very rare times for me in my life where you make me happy, feel alive and cannot wait to see an awesome sunrise and sunset.

In fact, 100% for real, I was totally speechless after reading your post and I read it 5 times! You are unbelievable loving, caring, ever so kind, and I 100% agree with you that SS is a fantastic site filled with loving and caring people. I have never felt as at home as I do when I am on here.

You NEVER EVER walk alone; I am by your side every step of the way.

You are a shining example for your children, broad minded, loving, caring, a soul filled with kindness and loving thoughts for others, just so pure with a vibrant soul to share with your children and others, AWESOME!

Darn it, I am crying again writing this, as I am so happy for you, FANTASTIC, that is you.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, love, caring, with lots of sunny blue skies for your walks.

Walter

You are truly a pure soul.

 

[Regen]

Oh Walter, thank you very much. That is really very nice of you. I don't even know what to say. I was very touched by your message.... I like your answers, they have already struck me. I didn't expect to get such a reaction with my text. Thank you very much. It warms my heart and my day....!

 

[MidnightCat]

I'm happy to read you Regen, I wish you the very best in the path you've taken and it's good you're able to work it with your therapist!

 

[Regen]

Thank you very much for your help MidnightCat!

 

[Regen]

I make a daily recovery plan for myself and I planned that I visit a phone meeting of EA. Today it is the second day I was sitting on my couch with the phone in my hand, but I cant do it, because of to much anxiety. But I dont critism me for that. I only see what is.
Tomorrow is another day to try it. There will be the day I can do it.


When I have my daily walk with my dog I hear something on YouTube because otherwise I am to much alone with my thoughts. Yesterday I found something, that I really like:

Google/YouTube:
Emotions Anonymous: Spirituality and Depression EA Sharron

The author struggle with depression and suicide since she was a child. I cant believe everything she said, but I like listen to her. Today I will listen again, because it calms me down.

 

[Regen]

I was driving in the car and I said, god, if you want me to breathe, tell me how. I was ready to look inside and listen to my inner voice.

And in that moment of inner openness to the right way, the three lights of a train came towards me in the darkness. I love the sight of a train from the front, it's warm and familiar in a creepy way. And I thought, at such a moment I could just do it.

And then I was ready - with radical acceptance and without the impulse to evaluate this thought or to act in any way - to look at my friend. There he was sitting next to me, a cigarette hanging in the corner of his mouth. With tousled gray hair and a three-day beard. A bit unkempt, but still incredibly attractive in his own interesting way. He's just not like the average guy, he's different, edgier, bolder, more creative, wilder. I could look at him and say, yes my friend, I know your solution and I like it. But you know I'm going to look at other people's proposed solutions once this year. You may sit next to me, but I will sit here and not follow you further into the darkness and onto the tracks. Then he smiled very nicely and said okay. He just said okay and still continued to be my friend. And then mentally my psychologist came and was just standing in front of me and my friend. And I thanked her for always and tirelessly fighting for me and for life for over five years. It is a gift to have such a warm, soft mother.

 

[Regen]

I apologize for writing so much here and hope it's not too annoying that I'm often on top because of it. It doesn't feel good to me, but I haven't found a better place to post the thread. Maybe someday there will be a section for diaries and then it will be less annoying. It's good for me right now to be creative with my friend, the suicide, so I'm writing anyway, sorry.

When I walked with my dog the little morning round he was suddenly next to me. He grinned at me and whistled: you never walk alone, I'll be with you. I sighed softly and looked in the other direction.

Annoyed, I realized that a small, warm feeling was spreading inside me anyway. It was nice not to walk alone and somehow I liked it. I knew he was just trying to protect me with his eternal suicide bids. It felt good.

But I also knew he had another side. He could be threatening and hurtful. Violent and relentless. Yes, it is toxic our relationship. And I can understand why everyone gets scared when they find out he's my boyfriend. That they try with all their might to separate us. Their faces always get this brittle expression when I tell them about him and I feel the rift between us deepening. Or maybe it's not a rift, it's two different sides. Then there is this unpleasant, sad feeling between us, realizing that we are standing on separate shores despite all the things we have in common. And the river between us suddenly becomes powerful, like after the snow melts in the mountains. Piss off, I say then, get lost my hidden friend, I'll see you later when I'm alone again.

 

[Regen]

If I would not know 12 steps groups I would think that this is not something for me. The steps sound strange! But I am happy that I found it for my life again. Deep inside there is a feeling that it could work for me. This is the reason I go to meetings. But everytime before I go, I think it makes no different, it doesnt help, it is bullshit and so on. But there are so many people for whom it works. So I will give it a real shot.

I am depressiv since I am a child and so I dont know how it feels being not depressiv. And so it feels like being depressiv is a part of my identity. It feels like I am a nobody without being melancholic. It feels like it makes me to something special. Like someone who had really understand how life works and like I am in a magic, hidden circle of people who had seen the truth. But maybe recognizing the truth (if this is really the truth.....) may not automatically mean having no joy in life.

There are philosophers who say that life has no meaning, but I have to die anyway, so why shouldn't I enjoy the best for me until then. Yeah, sure, with depression it's hard to enjoy anything. But the question is, what is the origin of my depression? And that's where I simply searched for the meaning of life even as a child and found none. I am happy when people have found one for themselves. I haven't. But does that automatically mean that I can't, may't, won't have joy? Yes, I can not save the shit of the world, but I could give away love and change in my little universe. Why is that not enough for me?

Today I go to the Veterinär with my dog. He needs vacination since many month. Now I have the energy to do that. I am happy about that.

 

[Regen]

I think I'm stepping on the gas right now.... I'm honestly very surprised at myself.

I think I have really surrendered. I'm at rock bottom. Not objectively, there have been much worse times, but subjectively.

I recognize that I am mentally ill. That I always will be, no matter how much I wish it were otherwise. I accept that I have problems. I give up chasing a normal life that I will never have in this form. I acknowledge that I can't make it on my own. I am willing to try something different to solve my problems than the things I have tried before. I am willing to actually try these things and not just half-heartedly pretend.

I listen to my inner voice. To the voice that is deep inside me, free from the opinions of others, the opinions of society, the opinions of forums, the opinions of friends or family or therapists.

It was not planned this way, but this voice actually shows me very clearly the way towards the 12 steps. I had not expected that at all. But I will now try this. It is a structured program, which gives me support and security. It is anonymous, it is non-binding, and yet there is a great sense of connection. This is a good fit for me, who strives for independence and yet longs for humanity.

My psychologist really wants me to go to a clinic. I'm not at all opposed to it, if I didn't have the children and the dog I would go immediately: do a lot for myself, exchange ideas with others, get cooked, be creative, not be alone. But deep down I realize that at the moment it's the wrong path.

But I recognize that I need much more intensive help. So I asked myself, what would I do in a clinic like this? And then I drew up a precise weekly schedule for myself. With me as the patient and I was my doctor.

I was able to start implementing a few of the things:
- I go out with the dog at a fixed time in the morning and at noon.
- during the walk I listen to podcasts or videos about mental health, e.g. meditations, information, affirmations. I have tried many and currently found a coach that I particularly like, Peter Beer. But I also listen to many others.
- I read a daily meditation by Melody Beattie aloud every morning.
- I go to a 12 step meeting every day, mostly by phone due to time constraints.
- i take something to sleep every night
- I take vitamin D
- i will get a referral to a special depression outpatient clinic to check my medication
- I will find some kind of guided creative therapy.
- I will read 12 step literature or guided meditation when I am not feeling well.
- I just emailed a decluttering coach and asked for an appointment. This is going to cost a lot of money. But I have decided in 2023 to try everything.
- I will ask in my next therapy session what else I need to do to heal.
- I accept that I have to heal my inner child to become healthy and try to speak kindly to my little self from time to time, even if it is difficult.
- I will continue to write in this thread, even if it is with a lot of shame to show myself and take the space.

Much love to all of you.

 

[je.suis.prêt]

I'm glad to hear that you feel like you're making progress :) I can tell writing it out is therapeutic for you.

Veterinär

By the way, are you Swedish? I understand if you might not want to answer that.

 

[Regen]

Thank you, how friendly that you read all my stuff......
No, I am from germany. But my very favorite journey was to sweden. I like your country and the language!

 

[Myforevercharlie]

You go Regen!!

 

[Regen]

Thank you so much!

Well, I'm really not sure if it will work because I've been depressed and suicidal since I was a teenager. But I am really going to try it one more time and in a different way. In 2023, I will not commit suicide. After that, I will see. I think there will be a chance for me?

The fact that I am at this point today is the result of many years of therapy and not just a sudden decision of "oh, I could get serious about recovery." I just wanted to explain that again so that no one feels bad if it doesn't work for them so suddenly...

 

[Regen]

I am really trying with all my might at the moment.

I don't know where that crucial bit more energy comes from. Probably from many things. After all, I've been in therapy for over five years, so something has to stick... I take antidepressants and vitamin D to boost my energy. Adopting my dog has helped me. The feeling is either I finally make it this year or I give up for good. The 12 step program helps a lot. I watch helpful videos on YouTube. I have a look what they do in rehab and try to do that at home and with the help of YouTube. I put my recovery first and worry about little else.

But I also panic a lot because I'm skating on very thin ice and I never know when it will break again. So I can't run too fast or I'll break in, but I have to run or I'll stop. I am afraid that I initiate things and then I lack the strength for it.

I got some money and decided to pay someone to help me clean up because my apartment is stressing me out so much. At the end of the month she comes for the first time and I hope I can do it from the energy. On Friday I have an appointment with someone who can help me with papers and applications and stuff.

All of this is stressing me out because I want to crawl under the covers. But I have to change something, I have to, otherwise my children will lose their mother and therefore their home and they would be separated from each other as siblings. That simply must not happen. I want to be able to tell them later, the greatest thing I could do for you was to stay alive.

I am fighting. It's hard. But today I can endure it. It doesn't matter what tomorrow is, today I can do it, today I can make it.

My dog comes and wants to be petted. It's good that I have a companion. I wish you also someone who is by your side.

 

[Againstthewind]

This is really admirable, I'm glad to see that you have taken steps to improve your wellbeing, just the effort to START to do that is excellent. Of course just like anything is gonna be a daily fight, but we are warriors

In your battle you will have good days and bad days, but allow yourself to feel the bad days, it DOESN'T mean you have failed or you dropped off the wagon as it were, it's all apart if the process.

I think you are doing some great things and I am extremely happy for you, keep us updated!

 

[Regen]

I've been on sick leave for a long time and I have a really bad conscience because of it.

My employer tried to call me twice and I didn't answer out of fear. Yesterday he wrote me an email and complained that he couldn't reach me and asked how things are going, whether I'll probably be ill for a longer time and want to apply for a pension or whether it's foreseeable when I'll be back.

The entire topic of work really stresses me out, I get scared and have suicidal thoughts.

I have had good experiences with the aforementioned visualization of suicide as my friend. I've learned that I can't always just push my feelings away, so I've tried to look into them. There's a lot of fear. I mentally put the fear next to me on the couch.

Suddenly it was my little inner child sitting there. And I forced myself to look to the inner child. I realized that this is really difficult for me. This inner child is invisible, it doesn't exist, the child "must" not be there, it is unwanted. I've noticed that it does something to me when I allow my inner child to sit next to me on the couch and I take a quick look at him.

I understood why I can't work with my inner child in therapy because it's not really there. I have to start seeing it first. That hurts. I go forward.

I have to keep walking or I'll freeze to death alone in the freezing snowstorm.

This is really admirable, I'm glad to see that you have taken steps to improve your wellbeing, just the effort to START to do that is excellent. Of course just like anything is gonna be a daily fight, but we are warriors

In your battle you will have good days and bad days, but allow yourself to feel the bad days, it DOESN'T mean you have failed or you dropped off the wagon as it were, it's all apart if the process.

I think you are doing some great things and I am extremely happy for you, keep us updated!

Thank you very much for your words. It means a lot to me. Yes, we really are fighters...!

 

[Regen]

These are some letters from me for me. If you want you can read it. If you dont want it is no problem. I really do it for me only. SaSu is one of my doors to my inner world, I like it. And since I was here for the first time some things changed inside me.

_____________________

Well, it has been nearly one year since I give up. I dropped all my problems and my whole life onto my table and said: here it is. I dont know what to do. Show me the way.

At this time I visited the A-meetings since 1,5 years. And very suddenly I felt into the first step for the very first time and I didnt expected this. At this time I dont feel a great feeling to something like god. But suddenly I feel this first step, which means for me: I accept, that I cant controll my depression and my problems.

Falling into the first step for the first time felt very deep. I felt calm and ready. I gave up and that was like laying a big luggage beside me.
______________________

What I did:

I accept, that I have no control about my depression, my problems, my emotions, the people around me.

I gave my suicidal thoughts a face and we became friends. He was sitting next to me. He was talking about his suicidal ideas. But I told him, that I knew his ideas more then enough and that in 2023 I want to listen to some other people and there ideas to manage problems in life.

In YouTube many hours I listen to other people how to manage depressions. I listen what medicals say. I read much about new medicines and about psychedelic medicines. I listen to other people with depressions, with bpd, with adhd.

I find a great speaker who talks about meditation and I pay to be a member of his online community. I am not able to practice meditation. But I it is okay, I take my time, I am sure some day I am ready to do it. And listening to what he say is healing too. Listening to him is better then listening to my own dark thoughts (thats my little trick you know).

I was ready to be more Open for the work with my psychologist. I was ready to try some of her advice without the knowledge that this will really work.

So I try to have a look to my inner child. I try to listen to what it say. I dont like this and it is really difficult but I do it, because many people say it works.

I had a look what would I do of I were in rehab. I write my own weekly plan for healing.

I take Vitamin D.

I change my medicines to something that gives me more energy. I take something for sleep every evening. I discuss with my psychiatrist ketamin (but dont do it).

I see, that adopting my dog in 2022 was a good idea. I accept that this causes some problems I did not expect.

I visit 1-2 A-meetings a week.

I start to work with the 12 steps in a private A-working-Group.

I pay much money for a woman who helped me to clean my rooms.

I organize help with managing my life.

I go through my fears and try to find a friend online.

I try to listen to my inner soul instead of trying everything others want me to do.
_________________________

Not everything has worked. But everything shows me the next steps to do.

The best was:

- Working in the 12 steps
- Therapy
- Listening to Meditation and positive YouTube instead of listening to my own dark thoughts
_______________________________

The next step:

Giving myself a second year for recovery.

I am not where I hoped I could be at the end of the year.
But at the moment I am not suicidal. If there are suicidal thoughts I try to have a look why and what I need and what they do for me. Its okay to have suicidal thoughts. Its okay to give recovery a chance. I feel so much more better then a year ago...
_______________________

For today I wish for us inner peace, calmness, hope and the feeling of being loved and connected.