I hit my head today. I suddenly felt my knees weaken just a few hours back and I hit my head in the corner of my table. It fucking hurt for a while, but it didn't bleed. Looks like internal bleeding, but it could easily pass off as a pimple in my forehead so it doesn't matter. My family didn't bother asking me about it, and just gave me some ointment.
It happens occasionally, when my posture suddenly breaks down and I fall into my knees. Those sorts of things. I'd have these sudden physical expressions of my own reasonable despair. Despair of being so convinced that I am too flawed and hostile to the world. Despair of being so helpless and detached that there would be no more point in moving a single inch.
Most days, it looks like a shittier stride. Muscles feel weak. Worse mind-to-body connection. Some days its stronger. Makes me want to punch things, shout, and groan. Something of anger. These are more uncommon, so when it happens, I make it a point to record those moments as if to interpret something that I can't really understand.
The thing is, I don't really feel bad when it happens. I just feel alright I just get reminded that I've made everything in my life pointlessly and existentially hopeless that there is no reason to move anymore. Sometimes, I fall into my knees and just laugh. Sometimes, I shout in anger and just laugh. Even in some unconscious way, I eventually realized I could react with any of my emotions and it wouldn't change a thing.
The antidepressants did work, but it won't last long. It never did. Not really when there was no point anymore.
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
It happens occasionally, when my posture suddenly breaks down and I fall into my knees. Those sorts of things. I'd have these sudden physical expressions of my own reasonable despair. Despair of being so convinced that I am too flawed and hostile to the world. Despair of being so helpless and detached that there would be no more point in moving a single inch.
Most days, it looks like a shittier stride. Muscles feel weak. Worse mind-to-body connection. Some days its stronger. Makes me want to punch things, shout, and groan. Something of anger. These are more uncommon, so when it happens, I make it a point to record those moments as if to interpret something that I can't really understand.
The thing is, I don't really feel bad when it happens. I just feel alright I just get reminded that I've made everything in my life pointlessly and existentially hopeless that there is no reason to move anymore. Sometimes, I fall into my knees and just laugh. Sometimes, I shout in anger and just laugh. Even in some unconscious way, I eventually realized I could react with any of my emotions and it wouldn't change a thing.
The antidepressants did work, but it won't last long. It never did. Not really when there was no point anymore.
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
Everybody doesn't really want to kill themselves
