Story Devoid - Wellbutrin Destroyed My Soul

[NoChoice]

I am reposting an old post from another site by a user that went by the name of Devoid who I suspect has since CTB. After scraping nearly the entire clear net for patient experiences and posts, this post is the most well articulated depiction of my brain damaging reaction after just 2 low doses of Seroquel (Quetiapine Fumarate) by far the most accurately. I had a lot to live for before this, had relatively few mild mental issues and no health issues. I am wondering if any of you or someone you know has experienced something as soul destroying as this, especially if they fully or partially recovered. While my story is quite similar to Devoid's, I believe it is even worse as I have some physical damages like constant unending restlessness along with the complete inability to formulate complex thoughts or access any amount of creativity/imagination; it is a complete and total lack of head space and every bit of emotion/thinking that made me a human and not just a mammal with 5 senses. It is probably not too crazy of a leap to say: RIP Devoid.
-




"I'd like to share my account of the complete and total destruction of my soul as a result of antidepressant withdrawal. I didn't even think such a thing was possible, but I now know that it is.

I'd been on a high dosage of Wellbutrin (generic: Bupropion) for 5 years for depression. I decided to stop taking it because I felt it was losing its effect and I was becoming apathetic. In the months that followed my withdrawal, I gradually began losing my ability to feel emotions. When a close relative died and I could literally feel nothing towards this event, I knew something was wrong.

That is when I decided to reinstate the drug, as I thought I might have been better while taking it. Strangely, reinstating the drug for a month did not help, but instead made things worse. I felt like I kept losing more and more of myself inside. This confused me, and I didn't know what to do. When I stopped the drug again and reinstated a second time, I experienced one tremendous day of improvement followed by a seizure while sleeping, and waking up in a confused state. After this I regressed and felt completely dead inside.

This waking up in a confused state happened 2 more times, once in May 2010 and once in September 2010. Both of these were preceded by sudden improvements. But upon waking I felt like I had lost a basic part of my self. Not just feelings, but the core of my being. What I felt to be the complete and final destruction of my inner being happened on September 7th, 2010, and there hasn't been a change since (it has now been 8 months).

I've been in an extremely peculiar state for the past 8 months. I have literally lost everything inside of me and no longer have a sense of "inner being". My personality has been completely erased, along with the inner psyche I've spent a lifetime building. When I attempt to "look inside", it is impossible because there is literally nothing there. Everything that made up my specific sense of personal being is gone, including including my hopes, fears, dreams, goals, opinions, values, morals, likes/dislikes, and most strikingly, all emotions and feelings.

I have no feelings associated with past events, and no emotional connections with anything in the world. Specific emotions that defined my personal sense of being are no longer there. People, places, things and events that I thought were etched in my soul as having significance no longer mean a thing. Absolutely nothing, I can't stress this enough.

I am unable to look backward or forward, have no sense of past accomplishments and no desire for future ones. The strangest thing is, I cannot feel anything toward being in this state, as that part of me is gone too. It's like a recursive erasure of everything I ever was, am, and will be.

It doesn't feel like life is a conscious experience that I am having anymore, as there is no inner construct within me to absorb an experience on any level. I see, hear, touch, and smell, yet each of these is so devoid of emotional content that they don't coalesce into anything meaningful I can call a human consciousness. My sense of being has been replaced by a constant void of nothingness that is unchanging, 24/7, I feel nothing towards the nothingness. It is not like feeling empty inside, there is no inside to feel empty within.

Obviously, antidepressants affect neurotransmitters. Maybe my neurotransmitters were severely imbalanced by the manner in which I withdrew, along the seizure(s) (there is only one I am sure of). What I don't understand is how a neurotransmitter imbalance could completely erase me as a human being. What I'm experiencing is not depression, anhedonia, or flat affect, but a permanent change in my consciousness that literally destroyed my humanity. All the parts that made up my being are literally gone. I don't understand how this is even possible, or what (if anything) I can do to change it. Any suggestions or advice would be
appreciated."


https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/62488-wellbutrin-destroyed-my-soul/

 

[Sickman75]

I am reposting an old post from another site by a user that went by the name of Devoid who I suspect has since CTB. After scraping nearly the entire clear net for patient experiences and posts, this post is the most well articulated depiction of my brain damaging reaction after just 2 low doses of Seroquel (Quetiapine Fumarate) by far the most accurately. I had a lot to live for before this, had relatively few mild mental issues and no health issues. I am wondering if any of you or someone you know has experienced something as soul destroying as this, especially if they fully or partially recovered. While my story is quite similar to Devoid's, I believe it is even worse as I have some physical damages like constant unending restlessness along with the complete inability to formulate complex thoughts or access any amount of creativity/imagination; it is a complete and total lack of head space and every bit of emotion/thinking that made me a human and not just a mammal with 5 senses. It is probably not too crazy of a leap to say: RIP Devoid.
-




"I'd like to share my account of the complete and total destruction of my soul as a result of antidepressant withdrawal. I didn't even think such a thing was possible, but I now know that it is.

I'd been on a high dosage of Wellbutrin (generic: Bupropion) for 5 years for depression. I decided to stop taking it because I felt it was losing its effect and I was becoming apathetic. In the months that followed my withdrawal, I gradually began losing my ability to feel emotions. When a close relative died and I could literally feel nothing towards this event, I knew something was wrong.

That is when I decided to reinstate the drug, as I thought I might have been better while taking it. Strangely, reinstating the drug for a month did not help, but instead made things worse. I felt like I kept losing more and more of myself inside. This confused me, and I didn't know what to do. When I stopped the drug again and reinstated a second time, I experienced one tremendous day of improvement followed by a seizure while sleeping, and waking up in a confused state. After this I regressed and felt completely dead inside.

This waking up in a confused state happened 2 more times, once in May 2010 and once in September 2010. Both of these were preceded by sudden improvements. But upon waking I felt like I had lost a basic part of my self. Not just feelings, but the core of my being. What I felt to be the complete and final destruction of my inner being happened on September 7th, 2010, and there hasn't been a change since (it has now been 8 months).

I've been in an extremely peculiar state for the past 8 months. I have literally lost everything inside of me and no longer have a sense of "inner being". My personality has been completely erased, along with the inner psyche I've spent a lifetime building. When I attempt to "look inside", it is impossible because there is literally nothing there. Everything that made up my specific sense of personal being is gone, including including my hopes, fears, dreams, goals, opinions, values, morals, likes/dislikes, and most strikingly, all emotions and feelings.

I have no feelings associated with past events, and no emotional connections with anything in the world. Specific emotions that defined my personal sense of being are no longer there. People, places, things and events that I thought were etched in my soul as having significance no longer mean a thing. Absolutely nothing, I can't stress this enough.

I am unable to look backward or forward, have no sense of past accomplishments and no desire for future ones. The strangest thing is, I cannot feel anything toward being in this state, as that part of me is gone too. It's like a recursive erasure of everything I ever was, am, and will be.

It doesn't feel like life is a conscious experience that I am having anymore, as there is no inner construct within me to absorb an experience on any level. I see, hear, touch, and smell, yet each of these is so devoid of emotional content that they don't coalesce into anything meaningful I can call a human consciousness. My sense of being has been replaced by a constant void of nothingness that is unchanging, 24/7, I feel nothing towards the nothingness. It is not like feeling empty inside, there is no inside to feel empty within.

Obviously, antidepressants affect neurotransmitters. Maybe my neurotransmitters were severely imbalanced by the manner in which I withdrew, along the seizure(s) (there is only one I am sure of). What I don't understand is how a neurotransmitter imbalance could completely erase me as a human being. What I'm experiencing is not depression, anhedonia, or flat affect, but a permanent change in my consciousness that literally destroyed my humanity. All the parts that made up my being are literally gone. I don't understand how this is even possible, or what (if anything) I can do to change it. Any suggestions or advice would be
appreciated."


https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/62488-wellbutrin-destroyed-my-soul/

I just read that. I'm on Wellbutrin myself however I don't have those symptoms from taking it.
However--+ I did have pretty much the same symptoms this person did taking cymbalta. I would constantly crash, they would up it. Work for awhile get fucking crazy do weird shit say weird shit get angry get mean they would reup it. No wellbutrin has been good to me so far. No crash yet. Hopefully there isn't one. So I could relate to that user 100%

 

[NoChoice]

I just read that. I'm on Wellbutrin myself however I don't have those symptoms from taking it.
However--+ I did have pretty much the same symptoms this person did taking cymbalta. I would constantly crash, they would up it. Work for awhile get fucking crazy do weird shit say weird shit get angry get mean they would reup it. No wellbutrin has been good to me so far. No crash yet. Hopefully there isn't one. So I could relate to that user 100%

Yes no drug really hurts or helps everyone, we're all so different. I really hate this poison. Devoid did a great job explaining how completely destroyed I am as a human, but for me its much worse.. It's global brain damage. I can't escape it for even 1 second, nothing is the same at all not even 1 thing, its a permanent reduction or negative change to literally everything. I am ctb, would like to at least get my story out and explain before I do, maybe it could help someone. Idk.

 

[Sickman75]

Maybe it would. I figure if they haven't listened to me before they certainly won't listen to me now.
I think it takes a special kind of audience for this type of topic. I think. Maybe not. Some people will never experience this level of depression or side effects. I just think that for some reason. I could be totally wrong to

 

[NoChoice]

Maybe it would. I figure if they haven't listened to me before they certainly won't listen to me now.
I think it takes a special kind of audience for this type of topic. I think. Maybe not. Some people will never experience this level of depression or side effects. I just think that for some reason. I could be totally wrong to

I guess it's my personal way of both sharing my fucked up story and saying how I don't think ctb is ever the right decision until you're in some nightmare situation of torture that never ends and will never end until you die... this can come in many forms. I wouldn't want my ctb to influence anyone really. I didn't know this kind of suffering existed really, not many stories on the internet about this kind of reaction. I doubt anyone even believes me, its impossible to understand or describe. Just kills every single part of you completely and totally

 

[Sickman75]

I guess it's my personal way of both sharing my fucked up story and saying how I don't think ctb is ever the right decision until you're in some nightmare situation of torture that never ends and will never end until you die... this can come in many forms. I wouldn't want my ctb to influence anyone really. I didn't know this kind of suffering existed really, not many stories on the internet about this kind of reaction. I doubt anyone even believes me, its impossible to understand or describe. Just kills every single part of you completely and totally

I've tried all possible roads I've spent alot of money on therapists. I still see one. Spent alot money on drug rehab centers, alot on just different types of medications and time and energy. Nothing has really helped. The therapist I see now is pretty good good. He does that new thing with his hand I don't know if your familiar with that or not, it's sorta new .It's trauma based. We go deep in therapy with his hand and my eye movement. I haven't totally gave up just yet. I may get back to where I once belong, hopefully.

 

[NoChoice]

I've tried all possible roads I've spent alot of money on therapists. I still see one. Spent alot money on drug rehab centers, alot on just different types of medications and time and energy. Nothing has really helped. The therapist I see now is pretty good good. He does that new thing with his hand I don't know if your familiar with that or not, it's sorta new .It's trauma based. We go deep in therapy with his hand and my eye movement. I haven't totally gave up just yet. I may get back to where I once belong, hopefully.

I hope you can get there man, but I hope you do it not just for others but for yourself. Some of us just literally have no hope and it's the most pathetic shit ever, I should not be alive right now in any way. You know it's bad when anhedonia, depersonalization, depression etc. doesn't even begin to scrape the surface of the constant state of psychological torture you suffer constantly and endlessly.

 

[Thewhowithin69]

Yes no drug really hurts or helps everyone, we're all so different. I really hate this poison. Devoid did a great job explaining how completely destroyed I am as a human, but for me its much worse.. It's global brain damage. I can't escape it for even 1 second, nothing is the same at all not even 1 thing, its a permanent reduction or negative change to literally everything. I am ctb, would like to at least get my story out and explain before I do, maybe it could help someone. Idk.

I agree that you should share your story! I know these psychiatric medications can have horrific side effects and yet their use continues without any concern or warnings!! I am convinced all the meds I took over the years have damaged me too but I read our brains are neuroplastic and I had hope that the messed up nuerotransmitters might be able to balance out if given whatever tools they need (Not more synthetic meds!). I guess it's hard to give up all hope but slowly I'm realizing that some damage is permenant...
Anyways I am so sorry for what you're experiencing! I know how horrible it is to see yourself deteriorate in your brain and not be able to stop it. But to loose all of what makes you you, that info needs to be out there, somehow!!
Finding devoids post/description helped you not be alone with this shit so if you can sharing your story will help someone else...I have no doubt these reactions will only increase and hopefully if enough of us say something others may avoid that fate!
But I'm afraid there are too few who actually care who are in position to actually effect change....but i know for me wanting to write my story down is as much for myself as for anyone else.
Hugs for you, if you want them
In solidarity, we are casualities of our mental health system...

 

[JustAboutDone]

@NoChoice are you able to take legal proceedings at all?

 

[NoChoice]

I agree that you should share your story! I know these psychiatric medications can have horrific side effects and yet their use continues without any concern or warnings!! I am convinced all the meds I took over the years have damaged me too but I read our brains are neuroplastic and I had hope that the messed up nuerotransmitters might be able to balance out if given whatever tools they need (Not more synthetic meds!). I guess it's hard to give up all hope but slowly I'm realizing that some damage is permenant...
Anyways I am so sorry for what you're experiencing! I know how horrible it is to see yourself deteriorate in your brain and not be able to stop it. But to loose all of what makes you you, that info needs to be out there, somehow!!
Finding devoids post/description helped you not be alone with this shit so if you can sharing your story will help someone else...I have no doubt these reactions will only increase and hopefully if enough of us say something others may avoid that fate!
But I'm afraid there are too few who actually care who are in position to actually effect change....but i know for me wanting to write my story down is as much for myself as for anyone else.
Hugs for you, if you want them
In solidarity, we are casualities of our mental health system...

Thanks for the response, you seem to understand the idea of it all. I hope you either avoid the drugs or don't try new ones, its deadly roulette the way they give you like 10 different drugs to try; the more you try the more likely it will be for you to have a reaction like mine. Thanks for the kind words, neurogenesis/neuroplasticity could probably help people with much less severe forms of brain damage over time, so there is at least some hope for most people. Thanks, sometimes I feel like I'm venting too much or just wasting time and effort writing about this but it really is so that someone might see it and avoid psychiatric drugs at all costs, I mean something like this could've saved my life, and it could also make someone else who experienced this rare form of torture feel a little more understood and not so alone. I would like to hear your story while I'm still here.
Hugs

 

[NoChoice]

@NoChoice are you able to take legal proceedings at all?

No, there's no use from what I've gathered.

 

[JustAboutDone]

No, there's no use from what I've gathered.

@mattwitt can you post that link for me :-)

 

[Sickman75]

I agree that you should share your story! I know these psychiatric medications can have horrific side effects and yet their use continues without any concern or warnings!! I am convinced all the meds I took over the years have damaged me too but I read our brains are neuroplastic and I had hope that the messed up nuerotransmitters might be able to balance out if given whatever tools they need (Not more synthetic meds!). I guess it's hard to give up all hope but slowly I'm realizing that some damage is permenant...
Anyways I am so sorry for what you're experiencing! I know how horrible it is to see yourself deteriorate in your brain and not be able to stop it. But to loose all of what makes you you, that info needs to be out there, somehow!!
Finding devoids post/description helped you not be alone with this shit so if you can sharing your story will help someone else...I have no doubt these reactions will only increase and hopefully if enough of us say something others may avoid that fate!
But I'm afraid there are too few who actually care who are in position to actually effect change....but i know for me wanting to write my story down is as much for myself as for anyone else.
Hugs for you, if you want them
In solidarity, we are casualities of our mental health system...

What it honestly should be is magic mushrooms for the medicine. Even at low doses it has great potential to decrease and set back alot of ailments

 

[JustAboutDone]

What it honestly should be is magic mushrooms for the medicine. Even at low doses it has great potential to decrease and set back alot of ailments

Suits me fine, I'm very partial to a mushroom omelette

 

[Sickman75]

Suits me fine, I'm very partial to a mushroom omelette

Yassss!

 

[Thewhowithin69]

I'm actually setting up my own grow this month just to see if shrooms can bring me enough relief to survive a few more months....I've heard some great success with microdosing and I sure wish I had known about alternative options like this before all the damage!! I was always afraid of hallucinogens because of my tenous hold on mental stability...just was scared to trip cuz getting stuck in my brain is a hard enough trip on it's own!! But not actively seeking recovery means I can experiment until I leave!!
Have any of you found psychedelics to help??

 

[mattwitt]

@mattwitt can you post that link for me :-)

https://www.bing.com/search?q=Wellbutrin+class+action+lawsuit&src=IE-SearchBox&FORM=IESR3S&pc=EUPP_

 

[JustAboutDone]

https://www.bing.com/search?q=Wellbutrin+class+action+lawsuit&src=IE-SearchBox&FORM=IESR3S&pc=EUPP_

Thank you, squire :-)

 

[NoChoice]

I'm actually setting up my own grow this month just to see if shrooms can bring me enough relief to survive a few more months....I've heard some great success with microdosing and I sure wish I had known about alternative options like this before all the damage!! I was always afraid of hallucinogens because of my tenous hold on mental stability...just was scared to trip cuz getting stuck in my brain is a hard enough trip on it's own!! But not actively seeking recovery means I can experiment until I leave!!
Have any of you found psychedelics to help??

Weed and LSD, my previous two favorite psychedelics and combo are a complete no go for me. Psilocybin and DMT are not trips like they used to be, but instead they provide a minor therapeutic effect and honestly feel as if they do everything they can to heal the damage. I snorted a small amount of DMT a few nights ago and I felt better than I have in months.

 

[Sickman75]

I'm actually setting up my own grow this month just to see if shrooms can bring me enough relief to survive a few more months....I've heard some great success with microdosing and I sure wish I had known about alternative options like this before all the damage!! I was always afraid of hallucinogens because of my tenous hold on mental stability...just was scared to trip cuz getting stuck in my brain is a hard enough trip on it's own!! But not actively seeking recovery means I can experiment until I leave!!
Have any of you found psychedelics to help??

I was a major grower for alot of people in California thru my friend. I would microdose pretty much everyday and do huge trips sorta at the end of the month but I had to cut back because shrooms leave tolerance. So every 3rd week I cut back and did a huge trip at the end of the month.
Yeah it helped me thru some hard times, made me smile more, think more, happier, wasn't angry, concentrated better. Nothing but positive in my experiences .I always made a tea because I couldn't eat them, I always gagged. Hated the taste of them.

 

[Sickman75]

I was a major grower for alot of people in California thru my friend. I would microdose pretty much everyday and do huge trips sorta at the end of the month but I had to cut back because shrooms leave tolerance. So every 3rd week I cut back and did a huge trip at the end of the month.
Yeah it helped me thru some hard times, made me smile more, think more, happier, wasn't angry, concentrated better. Nothing but positive in my experiences .I always made a tea because I couldn't eat them, I always gagged. Hated the taste of them.

I smoked alot of dmt after awhile I just got really weird off of it. I abused it no doubt. I just got just weird and goofy

 

[kimi]

Thank you for sharing this. For a long time I thought I was one of the only ones who have experienced such adverse side effects of these drugs - usually when I tell a medical professional they assure me that the medications I have been on don't have such stated side effects, but if so, how am I experiencing them? I was on wellbutrin for less than a month and it completely fried my brain. I was suicidal, empty and apathetic, moreso than usual and more intensely.. now I feel similarly to you and Devoid, especially with brain functions - it seems like I'm losing the most primitive knowledge because of all the medicine being thrown at me in an attempt to fix my brain. It's such a relief finding this, thank you again.

 

[NoChoice]

Thank you for sharing this. For a long time I thought I was one of the only ones who have experienced such adverse side effects of these drugs - usually when I tell a medical professional they assure me that the medications I have been on don't have such stated side effects, but if so, how am I experiencing them? I was on wellbutrin for less than a month and it completely fried my brain. I was suicidal, empty and apathetic, moreso than usual and more intensely.. now I feel similarly to you and Devoid, especially with brain functions - it seems like I'm losing the most primitive knowledge because of all the medicine being thrown at me in an attempt to fix my brain. It's such a relief finding this, thank you again.

Sorry to hear you're fighting something similar, it's very misunderstood and torturous. Are you still on any thing? Do you feel as bad as these posts describe? If so then how do you keep going like this? It's literally hell for me. No problem, at least we can know others feel somewhat similar and were not just the only people in the world to be this damaged by "medicine". That's why I posted it because when I found it, it made me feel like I wasn't the only one who has suffered this life ruining rare condition.

 

[kimi]

Sorry to hear you're fighting something similar, it's very misunderstood and torturous. Are you still on any thing? Do you feel as bad as these posts describe? If so then how do you keep going like this? It's literally hell for me. No problem, at least we can know others feel somewhat similar and were not just the only people in the world to be this damaged by "medicine". That's why I posted it because when I found it, it made me feel like I wasn't the only one who has suffered this life ruining rare condition.

100% I do, I feel it getting worse and worse by the day... completely apathetic to everything around me, and I have little to no emotional attachment to things and people I have before. When I think of things in my past that brought me joy, such as good memories, I feel nothing. It's so bizarre because usually I feel like this for periods of time but it's going on 2 years and I still feel this way.

I am a shell of a person at this point. I honestly don't know how I deal with it, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it too. It's maddening because physically I look fine but I know I'm unwell, and most of the time I can't explain it. I have no drive to do anything but sleep, and that's usually how I try to deal with it, or self-medicate with weed until I don't even care that I'm an abhorrent empty vessel, but now it's bringing on intense anxiety attacks so I can't even rely on that now.

I'm on a high dosage of zoloft and latuda right now, both which I desperately want to get off but am still on at the insistence of my family. I feel like it's only making things worse. I was on a long list of medications before, along with a cocktail of pills, which included wellbutrin, that seemed to have fried my neurotransmitters. Are you on anything right now? I hope you were able to get off of and stayed away from these medications

 

[NoChoice]

100% I do, I feel it getting worse and worse by the day... completely apathetic to everything around me, and I have little to no emotional attachment to things and people I have before. When I think of things in my past that brought me joy, such as good memories, I feel nothing. It's so bizarre because usually I feel like this for periods of time but it's going on 2 years and I still feel this way.

I am a shell of a person at this point. I honestly don't know how I deal with it, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it too. It's maddening because physically I look fine but I know I'm unwell, and most of the time I can't explain it. I have no drive to do anything but sleep, and that's usually how I try to deal with it, or self-medicate with weed until I don't even care that I'm an abhorrent empty vessel, but now it's bringing on intense anxiety attacks so I can't even rely on that now.

I'm on a high dosage of zoloft and latuda right now, both which I desperately want to get off but am still on at the insistence of my family. I feel like it's only making things worse. I was on a long list of medications before, along with a cocktail of pills, which included wellbutrin, that seemed to have fried my neurotransmitters. Are you on anything right now? I hope you were able to get off of and stayed away from these medications

It's sad to me although I am incapable of feeling any emotion whatsoever, a complete brain dead lobotomized zombie, the opposite of what I used to be. I refuse to live in this state much longer, it's also been 2 years for me. Yeah I'm am physically fine in the sense of motor function, but everything else is completely ruined in every way. How is this even possible? They gave me the drug like it was the safest thing ever and afterwards denied all responsibility. Why is this happening it literally ruined my entire life just because of some antipsychotic they called a sleep aid I never should've been given, I don't understand why this happened at all. A shell would be complimenting me, I am nothing really besides a miserable existence that's completely subhuman/not conscious really. You are able to smoke weed? That's probably a good sign. My brains so fried and permanently damaged that no drug has really any effect that I would enjoy anymore, where as before it was obviously not like that at all. It permanently changed everything negatively, not one thing is the same as it was, it effects every single aspect of my life once such a huge negative way. I think any damage beyond what I got would've killed me or made me a retard, I don't know why the brain doesn't shut down and die when it's in such a pathetic state like this. I'm just in shock and disbelief that this is going on in our world, how people can be so careless or evil to hand out this poison that can rob someone of nearly their entire life.

I'm not on anything anymore, all of this happened from 2 doses of Seroquel total of 200mg. Do you think you'll feel more like your old self if you stop all these meds?

 

[Redt2go]

It's sad to me although I am incapable of feeling any emotion whatsoever, a complete brain dead lobotomized zombie, the opposite of what I used to be. I refuse to live in this state much longer, it's also been 2 years for me. Yeah I'm am physically fine in the sense of motor function, but everything else is completely ruined in every way. How is this even possible? They gave me the drug like it was the safest thing ever and afterwards denied all responsibility. Why is this happening it literally ruined my entire life just for some sleep aid I never should've been given, I don't understand why this happened at all. A shell would be complimenting me, I am nothing really besides a miserable existence that's completely subhuman/not conscious really. You are able to smoke weed? That's probably a good sign. My brains so fried and permanently damaged that no drug has really any effect that I would enjoy anymore, where as before it was obviously not like that at all. It permanently changed everything negatively, not one thing is the same as it was, it effects every single aspect of my life once such a huge negative way. I think any damage beyond what I got would've killed me or made me a retard, I don't know why the brain doesn't shut down and die when it's in such a pathetic state like this. I'm just in shock and disbelief that this is going on in our world, how people can be so careless or evil to hand out this poison that can rob someone of nearly their entire life.

I'm not on anything anymore, all of this happened from 2 doses of Seroquel total of 200mg. Do you think you'll feel more like your old self if you stop all these meds?

Sorry about the zombie bit. I know that sucks a lot. All I can say is that there is not always a why, sometimes things just happen to people. I have no answers about the stopping. It is possible that once it fully flushes out after a few months you'll return to self. I always have bits of consciousness between the lows of my depression where I don't feel like a zombie. Im going to be honest with you though. When I resurface I'm often terrified of the place I've just come out of. It's like being waterboarded have no control and when I'm in the place where I'm an emotionless zombie I'm underwater. The fear and sadness that comes with knowing where my brain goes sends me back but I often don't notice. I just 'wake up' and I'm in that place. BUT. If you got the zombie bit from meds then I feel like it should go away once the meds wash out

 

[Jenna]

I guess it's my personal way of both sharing my story and saying how I don't think ctb is ever the right decision until you're in some nightmare situation of torture that never ends and will never end until you die... this can come in many forms. I wouldn't want my ctb to influence anyone really. I didn't know this kind of suffering existed really, not many stories on the internet about this kind of reaction. I doubt anyone even believes me, its impossible to understand or describe. Just kills every single part of you completely and totally

I was against this until this happened to me. I don't want mine to influence anyone else's and I'm printing off all I can about my condition. Every time I see a lyrica commercial or a similar one and it lists suicidal thoughts I point it out. It always says let your dr know. So we let the dr know and they cut you off or add more meds. It is impossible to describe. After everyone I know has seen me live thru this for 3 years now on earth can anyone call it a tradjedy. I'm so very sorry for what you are dealing with. I want my family to point out I had an iatrogenic illness and it became too much. I wish I had the right words.

 

[Edrudd]

You suffer from pssd

 

[Xaphous]

They are designed to destroy peoples lives, but "doctors" will never say it.

 

[EvilForProfit]

I'm panicking because it's been months off a antipsychotic injection and I still feel brain dead or lobotomized please has anyone recovered how is this possible I can't live like this I want to be myself