Help Developing an identity

[borderline-feline]

I'm more optimistic now than I had been before, because the surgery I had on Tuesday makes me feel like Narcissus when he fell in love with his own reflection. That self-love analogy said, I'm still very skeptical of therapy and want to see if anyone here has advice.

I've said before on here that I'm "barely a person". I say this because, due to borderline personality disorder, I don't really have a sense of self. I don't know where I end and other people begin. I don't know what I enjoy, and I don't know if I've ever felt passion in my life. I don't even know what passion feels like.

I may be feeling more consistently good now, but I still don't understand anything about emotions. I don't think that dialectical behavior therapy is something that actually works, and I view behavioral approaches to mental illness as highly unethical in general since behavioral therapy doesn't treat mental illness..

Because of all of this, I don't know how to move forward. I don't know if there's a way for me to forge an identity and figure out who I am. I'm on a time limit for figuring out who I am and seeing if I'll be able to have a career after the time comes that I'm forced to quit my job. I'm not good at anything and have no talent or skills, so unless I can find a viable job (no freelancing) before the time comes, I'll be left with no options.

The worst part is that I don't actually know when the time will come, and I'm constantly being reminded of the fact that it'll eventually come since my sister is a cunt.

I promised my favorite person that I would try, and despite the fact that I regret making the promise, I have to live with that stupid and impulsive decision that I made out of fear. I need to be told what to do or else I can't do anything.

I also feel like I don't deserve happiness. My biggest immediate worry is that since I have to sleep on my back, I can't cuddle with my blåhaj as I try to fall asleep. Is there a way to convince myself that I deserve good things? Is there a way to mold myself into an actual person?

 

[picapica]

I can relate to everything you said to a certain degree. Due to the clues you gave here, I also have an idea of what kind of surgery you had, and Im really happy for you.
Not being good at anything and having no particular skills does make getting a job difficult, but not impossible. How would you describe your social skills? Id describe mine as pretty horrible, and I still managed to land a job that involves me regularly interacting with people without making me depressed, even though I had zero qualifications in the field beforehand. I dont know how the dming system works here, but if you were to send me a private message, I can tell you how I did it in more detail (dont want to doxx myself).
Regarding the identity thing: its difficult to see yourself if your outer shells are the consequences of years spent modelling yourself after the expectations of others. The only advice I can give you is to try out new things. Get a potted plant and learn to care for it. Not your thing? Get rid of it, no strings attached. Try your hand at different kinds of arts and crafts. Get the cheapest materials you can find, that way if youre not enjoying yourself you can throw or give them away without feeling bad about it.
Get out into nature. Bit difficult right now since its winter, but unless youre in the middle of a big city, theres bound to be some kind of greenery somewhere. If you cant convince yourself that you deserve happiness yet (I cant either, even after a year of therapy), then try to find happiness around you and live through that. Do some birdwatching. Look at cool insects. Ask to pet any dog you see outside. Try to lure a cat with some treats. The biggest hurdle for me was to overcome bitterness and jealousy. Why cant my life be this easy? Why cant I be this carefree, or just free in general?
Dont just push these thoughts down if they do arise, theyll come back with a vengeance.
Same goes for the arts and crafts: Why cant I be as good as this other person? Why did I not start sooner so that I could be more skilled now?
Acknowledge these thoughts. Try your best to understand and process them. They are valid, but they arent helpful.
Read a book. Play a game. You have no idea what you could enjoy and where to start? Ask for recommendations. Again, spend as little money as possible. Pirated content can be found very easily, if you know where to look.

Im sorry if this isnt very helpful. Im still at the beginning to my own road of recovery, even though Ive been chipping away at it for years. But at the beginning of last year, I was feeling almost exactly like you. And now, its like my... outer hull is finished. Fragile, without much detail or thickness, but its there. It might even be slowly filling up, though thats difficult to judge. What Im trying to say is that Ive started learning who I am. Its flimsy, and weird, and maybe a bit uncomfortable, but also exciting.
Itll probably take a while. No, itll most likely take a while.
Stay strong. You can do it.

 

[pyroxenic]

Hey, im someone with BPD too with (more or less) fragmented identity. In my own experience (in and out of therapy) when it comes to ones identity, ive felt 'more' of a person when i felt mentally and emotionally better too. BPD comes with depression and its like a plaque that eats your brain from inside out. Of course, if you struggled with BPD symptoms + other struggles in childhood/adolescense it hinders your progression for an "identity" and an image of who you are. But it seems to me youve already had a lot of to deal with till now and when youre in so much pain you didnt have time to "know" who you truly are yknow? Its okay for you to be in this position and feel like youre stuck and dont know how to go from here.

Its good youre trying to find your way and pick up pieces. But if youre confused how to adress this problem its okay to ask for help (even if youre skeptical and understandably so). Its hard to do this on your own especially with BPD because the disorder itself makes you second-guess yourself all the time. So thats why looking for a professional for now is good for now, but please remember recovery is rarely linear and "finding yourself" wont happen one day or over-night either, its gradual and as you feel better and gain better coping skills the smoke from your view will desolve and see and know yourself for who you are. And you may think you are undeserving of happiness but youre trying to find your place and peace in life by your own. I think just by trying you unconcioucly know you deserve a better life. Best of luck

 

[dreamscape1111]

Hey, maybe this audiobook guide to self-esteem will help you out with developing an identity. I'm planning to listen to it as well. It's supposed to be really good.

It's hard to be me when I don't know who I am.
It's hard to be happy when all I know is sadness.
It's hard to love if you have never known it.
It's hard to teach when I was never taught.

It's hard to hope when all you know is disappointment.
It's hard to heal when you all you know is hurt and pain.
It's hard to be free when you have been chained.

It's time to let go and get back to myself.
It's time to change so I can grow and learn.
It's time to have hope joy and healing....
It's my time to be free!

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I've said before on here that I'm "barely a person". I say this because, due to borderline personality disorder, I don't really have a sense of self. I don't know where I end and other people begin. I don't know what I enjoy, and I don't know if I've ever felt passion in my life. I don't even know what passion feels like.

Odd, I've never heard that people with BPD have no personality. I've heard that about other personality disorders, mostly schizoid—"the personality disorder without a personality"—but I've never seen BPD interpreted like that.

I may be feeling more consistently good now, but I still don't understand anything about emotions. I don't think that dialectical behavior therapy is something that actually works, and I view behavioral approaches to mental illness as highly unethical in general since behavioral therapy doesn't treat mental illness..

The behavioural approach is not unethical in itself, but like everything else, it's a tool that has its time and place. From my experience with people with BPD, any form of behavioural therapy is only part of the equation, since the thought patterns behaviours that characterise BPD have biochemical and neurological components that can't be dealt with no matter how good a therapist is. The mind is a powerful thing, but we can't just ignore the squishy, fleshy bits.

Because of all of this, I don't know how to move forward. I don't know if there's a way for me to forge an identity and figure out who I am. I'm on a time limit for figuring out who I am and seeing if I'll be able to have a career after the time comes that I'm forced to quit my job. I'm not good at anything and have no talent or skills, so unless I can find a viable job (no freelancing) before the time comes, I'll be left with no options.

Figuring out who you are and forging an identity is a life-long process. There is no pre-existing "you" that exists in a Platonic realm of forms or anything like that, so setting a time limit to "figure out" something as complex as who you are seems like the wrong way to go about it.

When it comes to finding a "viable job", my best advice is to rid yourself of the idea of having to be an employee. I feel like that one bald kid from The Matrix every time I say this, but just like there is no spoon, there is also no natural obligation to squeeze yourself into the box of a career, if that's not something that suits you. You say you have "no talent or skills" so a regular old job is all there is. To that, I'd counter that skills are not innate. I'm fairly certain you must be skilled at something, but I don't know you and you probably don't want to read platitudes from a stranger, so I won't go there. I'll just say that skills can be acquired, in all sorts of different areas. These days, you can learn a lot of stuff for free online, even. Trying your hand at a few things that call out to you only requires an investment of time. If you like something, you can stick with it. If you don't, well, now you've learned something new about yourself and you move on to something else.

I also feel like I don't deserve happiness. My biggest immediate worry is that since I have to sleep on my back, I can't cuddle with my blåhaj as I try to fall asleep. Is there a way to convince myself that I deserve good things? Is there a way to mold myself into an actual person?

I don't share the idea of "deserving" good or bad things, personally, because it sounds like there is some cosmic leaderboard out there, keeping track of who deserves the prize. The way I see it, instead, is that people ought to be kind to themselves, and allow themselves the possibility of building something they like. I won't presume to know your reasons, because online strangers and all that, but I think that you getting that surgery to improve the way you feel in your own body is a sign that you're open to building something better for yourself. People don't go through surgery just for a laugh, if they don't think that it'll have some significant positive effect on their lives.

Take your time, don't rush, remember that there is no spoon, and have a lovely day.

 

[catowice]

Figuring out who you are and forging an identity is a life-long process. There is no pre-existing "you" that exists in a Platonic realm of forms or anything like that, so setting a time limit to "figure out" something as complex as who you are seems like the wrong way to go about it.

When it comes to finding a "viable job", my best advice is to rid yourself of the idea of having to be an employee. I feel like that one bald kid from The Matrix every time I say this, but just like there is no spoon, there is also no natural obligation to squeeze yourself into the box of a career, if that's not something that suits you. You say you have "no talent or skills" so a regular old job is all there is. To that, I'd counter that skills are not innate. I'm fairly certain you must be skilled at something, but I don't know you and you probably don't want to read platitudes from a stranger, so I won't go there. I'll just say that skills can be acquired, in all sorts of different areas. These days, you can learn a lot of stuff for free online, even. Trying your hand at a few things that call out to you only requires an investment of time. If you like something, you can stick with it. If you don't, well, now you've learned something new about yourself and you move on to something else.

This helps me tremendously. Very glad I followed this thread, thanks everyone for your help!

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

This helps me tremendously. Very glad I followed this thread, thanks everyone for your help!

Figuring out and applying that particular bit to my own situation has taken me longer than I care to admit. If I can point someone in that direction and spare them some of the confusion, I'll be happy to do it.

 

[borderline-feline]

I can relate to everything you said to a certain degree. Due to the clues you gave here, I also have an idea of what kind of surgery you had, and Im really happy for you.
Not being good at anything and having no particular skills does make getting a job difficult, but not impossible. How would you describe your social skills? Id describe mine as pretty horrible, and I still managed to land a job that involves me regularly interacting with people without making me depressed, even though I had zero qualifications in the field beforehand. I dont know how the dming system works here, but if you were to send me a private message, I can tell you how I did it in more detail (dont want to doxx myself).
Regarding the identity thing: its difficult to see yourself if your outer shells are the consequences of years spent modelling yourself after the expectations of others. The only advice I can give you is to try out new things. Get a potted plant and learn to care for it. Not your thing? Get rid of it, no strings attached. Try your hand at different kinds of arts and crafts. Get the cheapest materials you can find, that way if youre not enjoying yourself you can throw or give them away without feeling bad about it.
Get out into nature. Bit difficult right now since its winter, but unless youre in the middle of a big city, theres bound to be some kind of greenery somewhere. If you cant convince yourself that you deserve happiness yet (I cant either, even after a year of therapy), then try to find happiness around you and live through that. Do some birdwatching. Look at cool insects. Ask to pet any dog you see outside. Try to lure a cat with some treats. The biggest hurdle for me was to overcome bitterness and jealousy. Why cant my life be this easy? Why cant I be this carefree, or just free in general?
Dont just push these thoughts down if they do arise, theyll come back with a vengeance.
Same goes for the arts and crafts: Why cant I be as good as this other person? Why did I not start sooner so that I could be more skilled now?
Acknowledge these thoughts. Try your best to understand and process them. They are valid, but they arent helpful.
Read a book. Play a game. You have no idea what you could enjoy and where to start? Ask for recommendations. Again, spend as little money as possible. Pirated content can be found very easily, if you know where to look.

Im sorry if this isnt very helpful. Im still at the beginning to my own road of recovery, even though Ive been chipping away at it for years. But at the beginning of last year, I was feeling almost exactly like you. And now, its like my... outer hull is finished. Fragile, without much detail or thickness, but its there. It might even be slowly filling up, though thats difficult to judge. What Im trying to say is that Ive started learning who I am. Its flimsy, and weird, and maybe a bit uncomfortable, but also exciting.
Itll probably take a while. No, itll most likely take a while.
Stay strong. You can do it.

To answer you question about social skills, my social skills are practically nonexistent.

Odd, I've never heard that people with BPD have no personality. I've heard that about other personality disorders, mostly schizoid—"the personality disorder without a personality"—but I've never seen BPD interpreted like that.


The behavioural approach is not unethical in itself, but like everything else, it's a tool that has its time and place. From my experience with people with BPD, any form of behavioural therapy is only part of the equation, since the thought patterns behaviours that characterise BPD have biochemical and neurological components that can't be dealt with no matter how good a therapist is. The mind is a powerful thing, but we can't just ignore the squishy, fleshy bits.


Figuring out who you are and forging an identity is a life-long process. There is no pre-existing "you" that exists in a Platonic realm of forms or anything like that, so setting a time limit to "figure out" something as complex as who you are seems like the wrong way to go about it.

When it comes to finding a "viable job", my best advice is to rid yourself of the idea of having to be an employee. I feel like that one bald kid from The Matrix every time I say this, but just like there is no spoon, there is also no natural obligation to squeeze yourself into the box of a career, if that's not something that suits you. You say you have "no talent or skills" so a regular old job is all there is. To that, I'd counter that skills are not innate. I'm fairly certain you must be skilled at something, but I don't know you and you probably don't want to read platitudes from a stranger, so I won't go there. I'll just say that skills can be acquired, in all sorts of different areas. These days, you can learn a lot of stuff for free online, even. Trying your hand at a few things that call out to you only requires an investment of time. If you like something, you can stick with it. If you don't, well, now you've learned something new about yourself and you move on to something else.


I don't share the idea of "deserving" good or bad things, personally, because it sounds like there is some cosmic leaderboard out there, keeping track of who deserves the prize. The way I see it, instead, is that people ought to be kind to themselves, and allow themselves the possibility of building something they like. I won't presume to know your reasons, because online strangers and all that, but I think that you getting that surgery to improve the way you feel in your own body is a sign that you're open to building something better for yourself. People don't go through surgery just for a laugh, if they don't think that it'll have some significant positive effect on their lives.

Take your time, don't rush, remember that there is no spoon, and have a lovely day.

When I say "barely a person", I'm referring to identity disturbance, which is one of the main symptoms of BPD.

A viable job would have to involve being an employee. Any job that doesn't give insurance benefits isn't viable because of all the medication I have to take. That's why I said that freelancing isn't an option.

As for skills, I'm not capable of learning or developing skills. I've tried all my life, and there's nothing that I'm even remotely good at outside of the job I have now.

I understand that figuring out who you are is a lifelong process, but normal people actually have some things figured out. They have a sense of self; I don't.

I can relate to everything you said to a certain degree. Due to the clues you gave here, I also have an idea of what kind of surgery you had, and Im really happy for you.
Not being good at anything and having no particular skills does make getting a job difficult, but not impossible. How would you describe your social skills? Id describe mine as pretty horrible, and I still managed to land a job that involves me regularly interacting with people without making me depressed, even though I had zero qualifications in the field beforehand. I dont know how the dming system works here, but if you were to send me a private message, I can tell you how I did it in more detail (dont want to doxx myself).
Regarding the identity thing: its difficult to see yourself if your outer shells are the consequences of years spent modelling yourself after the expectations of others. The only advice I can give you is to try out new things. Get a potted plant and learn to care for it. Not your thing? Get rid of it, no strings attached. Try your hand at different kinds of arts and crafts. Get the cheapest materials you can find, that way if youre not enjoying yourself you can throw or give them away without feeling bad about it.
Get out into nature. Bit difficult right now since its winter, but unless youre in the middle of a big city, theres bound to be some kind of greenery somewhere. If you cant convince yourself that you deserve happiness yet (I cant either, even after a year of therapy), then try to find happiness around you and live through that. Do some birdwatching. Look at cool insects. Ask to pet any dog you see outside. Try to lure a cat with some treats. The biggest hurdle for me was to overcome bitterness and jealousy. Why cant my life be this easy? Why cant I be this carefree, or just free in general?
Dont just push these thoughts down if they do arise, theyll come back with a vengeance.
Same goes for the arts and crafts: Why cant I be as good as this other person? Why did I not start sooner so that I could be more skilled now?
Acknowledge these thoughts. Try your best to understand and process them. They are valid, but they arent helpful.
Read a book. Play a game. You have no idea what you could enjoy and where to start? Ask for recommendations. Again, spend as little money as possible. Pirated content can be found very easily, if you know where to look.

Im sorry if this isnt very helpful. Im still at the beginning to my own road of recovery, even though Ive been chipping away at it for years. But at the beginning of last year, I was feeling almost exactly like you. And now, its like my... outer hull is finished. Fragile, without much detail or thickness, but its there. It might even be slowly filling up, though thats difficult to judge. What Im trying to say is that Ive started learning who I am. Its flimsy, and weird, and maybe a bit uncomfortable, but also exciting.
Itll probably take a while. No, itll most likely take a while.
Stay strong. You can do it.

I also wanted to mention that trying things won't help me in figuring out what I like or what I want to do.

All of this comes back to the reason why I say that I'm "barely a person". I don't have a sense of self.

I don't know where I end and other people begin, and no one else knows either. Enjoying doing something or wanting to try it out means nothing because it's most likely not me.

I build my life and base my personality around my favorite person. I only have the desire to try things that he likes, such as art, but I'm incompetent at all of those things.

The only things that I know that I like are specific forms of media consumption. I enjoy watching anime, reading manga, playing video games, visual novels, and eroge, and I enjoy looking at specific types of art. None of those things can be applied to a viable career.

Hey, im someone with BPD too with (more or less) fragmented identity. In my own experience (in and out of therapy) when it comes to ones identity, ive felt 'more' of a person when i felt mentally and emotionally better too. BPD comes with depression and its like a plaque that eats your brain from inside out. Of course, if you struggled with BPD symptoms + other struggles in childhood/adolescense it hinders your progression for an "identity" and an image of who you are. But it seems to me youve already had a lot of to deal with till now and when youre in so much pain you didnt have time to "know" who you truly are yknow? Its okay for you to be in this position and feel like youre stuck and dont know how to go from here.

Its good youre trying to find your way and pick up pieces. But if youre confused how to adress this problem its okay to ask for help (even if youre skeptical and understandably so). Its hard to do this on your own especially with BPD because the disorder itself makes you second-guess yourself all the time. So thats why looking for a professional for now is good for now, but please remember recovery is rarely linear and "finding yourself" wont happen one day or over-night either, its gradual and as you feel better and gain better coping skills the smoke from your view will desolve and see and know yourself for who you are. And you may think you are undeserving of happiness but youre trying to find your place and peace in life by your own. I think just by trying you unconcioucly know you deserve a better life. Best of luck

I've never really had an identity, even long before I was diagnosed with BPD. I would have to create a sense of self, and I don't know if that's even possible.

I'm like an identity parasite. I have none of my own, so I just copy the people around me that I become obsessed with.

I see a psychiatrist, but I doubt that he'd be quick to just start prescribing more meds, so I doubt that he can do anything.

Medication is the only way to treat mental illness. Therapy itself doesn't treat mental illnees; it just makes people seem like they aren't mentally ill, all while they still suffer inside.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm pretty sure I have bpd too and I've been on lots of meds in the past with limited success. I've heard there's no meds that really help bpd. What do they have you taking?

 

[borderline-feline]

I'm pretty sure I have bpd too and I've been on lots of meds in the past with limited success. I've heard there's no meds that really help bpd. What do they have you taking?

It's an interesting combination because it's trying to treat multiple things at a time, and I don't know if they're possibly making various aspects worse.

My psychiatrist prescribes me 4 different medications: Fluoxetine, Bupropion, Trazodone, and Adderall.

I'm an anxious mess, but I have big issues with focusing and general executive functioning. I don't know how much the Adderall is affecting my anxiety, but I have to take it in order to keep my job.

The trazodone is to help me sleep.

I want to be prescribed a mood stabilizer, so I'm gonna bring it up again when I have my next appointment at the end of the month.

 

[okashi]

• Your beliefs and attitudes
• Your perception of your abilities
• Your ways of behaving (even as these change)
• Your personality and temperament
• Your opinions
• The social roles you play

Why Many People With BPD Lack a Strong Sense of Self

An unstable sense of self, also known as identity disturbance, is a symptom of borderline personality disorder where one’s values and behaviors don’t match.

www.verywellmind.com

i don't understand why you say that you struggle with your identity. your posts seem to indicate that you have a definite idea for all of these things about yourself? except "personality" of course.

a wise philosopher once wondered, "am i really all the things that are outside of me?" i don't have bpd but i assume that everybody consciously absorbs bits and pieces from the people they admire into their own personality.

 

[borderline-feline]

i don't understand why you say that you struggle with your identity. your posts seem to indicate that you have a definite idea for all of these things about yourself? except "personality" of course.

a wise philosopher once wondered, "am i really all the things that are outside of me?" i don't have bpd but i assume that everybody consciously absorbs bits and pieces from the people they admire into their own personality.

I don't know what I truly believe about most things. I have drastically shifted aspects of my worldview overnight because of other people, which isn't healthy. I don't know what is me and what is the people around me.

I don't have abilities.

My behavior is constantly changing. A lot of people have described me as being very unpredictable.

My personality changes just as frequently as my behavior. It changes drastically, multiple times per day. This comes back to the fact that I don't have any consistency internally.

I don't know what my opinions are, just like I don't know what my emotions are. They change too rapidly for me to even process any of it. I can take the same political compass test twice in the same day and get drastically different results on them. I only have a couple of opinions that remain constant throughout, and I'm not comfortable talking about them here since I know that you'll just get angry and yell at me for stating such opinions, just like everyone else does. That being said, the Houjou Satoko pfp makes me think you might in theory be open-minded.

I don't even know what social roles are if I'm being at all honest.

My posts don't depict me as having any kind of identity, and even my writing style changes greatly from post to post since I don't have a constant manner of speaking or thinking, so I have no idea where you got that idea. If you could explain why you say that, then I'd be interested in hearing.

Personally, I've never looked to Animal Collective for any kind of philosophical direction, and I really don't understand what the question being posed even means.

 

[okashi]

seems like a matter of distorted self-image. common for bpd.

in my opinion your posts appear fairly consistent. it's not like you express a wish to be a nekomusume via one massive run-on paragraph and then, on another day, type in short, broken sentences about how you'd like to be a space alien instead. another example: i think you've posted about nearly punching people for saying the wrong thing to your face - i'm not sure i've seen a post where you talk about somebody offending you and you meekly accepted it.

maybe your undecided opinions are ultimately irrelevant. would you really not be able to tell me if, say, you mind having pancakes for breakfast? for somebody whose ambition is to live as a housecat, matters such as those probably hold more immediate relevance to you than whatever a political compass test will inquire. (i don't know what my answers ought to be on the vast majority of those tests either.)

nobody has ever angered me by stating an opinion.

what you are to your favorite person would be an example of a social role.

maybe you should start looking to animal collective for guidance. couldn't hurt at this point. the lyric is simply suggesting that identities aren't formed in a vacuum. we're all a synthesis of the people and things we surround ourselves with.

 

[borderline-feline]

seems like a matter of distorted self-image. common for bpd.

in my opinion your posts appear fairly consistent. it's not like you express a wish to be a nekomusume via one massive run-on paragraph and then, on another day, type in short, broken sentences about how you'd like to be a space alien instead. another example: i think you've posted about nearly punching people for saying the wrong thing to your face - i'm not sure i've seen a post where you talk about somebody offending you and you meekly accepted it.

maybe your undecided opinions are ultimately irrelevant. would you really not be able to tell me if, say, you mind having pancakes for breakfast? for somebody whose ambition is to live as a housecat, matters such as those probably hold more immediate relevance to you than whatever a political compass test will inquire. (i don't know what my answers ought to be on the vast majority of those tests either.)

nobody has ever angered me by stating an opinion.

what you are to your favorite person would be an example of a social role.

maybe you should start looking to animal collective for guidance. couldn't hurt at this point. the lyric is simply suggesting that identities aren't formed in a vacuum. we're all a synthesis of the people and things we surround ourselves with.

Well, if I recall correctly, I posted about how I would've punched someone for saying something if they'd said it to my face.

I've not talked about it on here, but a former coworker of mine essentially implied me to be a pedophile because my boyfriend looks younger than he is (despite being older than me), and I just accepted it. Then I went back to my corner to obsessively google scientific literature about pedophilia because of my OCD.

I'm prone to both lashing out at people and being a doormat. I regularly acted that way with that coworker, even when he called me a "chomo" (I fucking hate people who use terms like that, because it shows they don't take the topic of sexual assault seriously) because I said that a particular anime character (Megumin from KonoSuba) was cute.

Looking back, I should've gone directly to our HR manager, because people who water down terms like that deserve to lose everything they have in their lives.

I'm also extremely quick to apologize if I feel like I've offended someone that I'm close to, because I catastrophize and assume that they'll leave me forever if I don't fix the problem, regardless of how minor it may be. I'm fully aware that this is something that's textbook BPD.

I'm very outspoken politically, but what I believe changed based on who I'm around.

Now that I understand the lyric, I do agree with it, but the average person is more than just a synthesis of their surroundings. Normal people have things that come from them specifically, and I can't think of anything about me that didn't come from someone around me influencing me in some way. Normal people don't change their beliefs randomly, abruptly, and frequently based on the people they're around.

My self-image is that of a worthless protoplasm. That particular Earthbound enemy is something I picture myself as, not only in name, but also in form. I'm a mere slime with pitiful stats and an inability to fight.

seems like a matter of distorted self-image. common for bpd.

in my opinion your posts appear fairly consistent. it's not like you express a wish to be a nekomusume via one massive run-on paragraph and then, on another day, type in short, broken sentences about how you'd like to be a space alien instead. another example: i think you've posted about nearly punching people for saying the wrong thing to your face - i'm not sure i've seen a post where you talk about somebody offending you and you meekly accepted it.

maybe your undecided opinions are ultimately irrelevant. would you really not be able to tell me if, say, you mind having pancakes for breakfast? for somebody whose ambition is to live as a housecat, matters such as those probably hold more immediate relevance to you than whatever a political compass test will inquire. (i don't know what my answers ought to be on the vast majority of those tests either.)

nobody has ever angered me by stating an opinion.

what you are to your favorite person would be an example of a social role.

maybe you should start looking to animal collective for guidance. couldn't hurt at this point. the lyric is simply suggesting that identities aren't formed in a vacuum. we're all a synthesis of the people and things we surround ourselves with.

To add on to what I was saying, I can't do anything. I don't know what I value or even what passion is. I've googled the term "passion", but it seems like something that no one would want to have, as it just sounds painful.

Sometimes I think that I want to do something in particular with my life, but by the end of the day, I've changed my mind. Living as a housecat is an escapist fantasy for me since housecats don't have to worry about responsibility or actually doing something with their lives. Another aspect to that is that since I'm 25 years old, then I'd probably be dead already if I was a housecat. I would be small, cute, and loveable, which are things that I've never been at any point in my life.

I'm a ball of confusion, never knowing what I want in life or who I am. I have a tendency to curse my late mother because she should've gotten an abortion instead of giving birth to me. She would've had a less painful and stressful life without me, which may have even resulted in her living a couple of weeks longer with good quality of life.

Part of me wishes that I could just be murdered, because it would cause me to die without breaking the promise I made to my favorite person. The problem with that is that I want to be forgotten. I don't want there to be any record of my existence once I die. I don't want to be buried. I just want to be cremated, and to then have my ashes dumped in a landfill where I belong.

I don't want anyone to think about me. I don't want anyone to remember me. I want to disappear.

 

[okashi]

i understand. i'm sorry to hear. i empathize with most of what you've said. (mainly i don't relate to the parts about constructing a mask based on who i'm speaking to. i keep my mouth shut if i think i'd make somebody explode with an unpopular opinion. it'd be a joke for somebody like me to have outspoken political views anyway. the fuck do i know?)

i think your proclivity for cute aesthetics should count as a passion. would you drop your interest in anime if your favorite person suddenly adopted the same povs as your co-worker?

 

[borderline-feline]

i understand. i'm sorry to hear. i empathize with most of what you've said. (mainly i don't relate to the parts about constructing a mask based on who i'm speaking to. i keep my mouth shut if i think i'd make somebody explode with an unpopular opinion. it'd be a joke for somebody like me to have outspoken political views anyway. the fuck do i know?)

i think your proclivity for cute aesthetics should count as a passion. would you drop your interest in anime if your favorite person suddenly adopted the same povs as your co-worker?

Well, that's a checkmate. I will concede that my otaku tendencies are a tangible part of what little identity I have. My coworkers know me as the vulgar yet feminine girl who wears cat ear headphones in the lab and reads explicit BL manga during breaks. I even once blocked someone on social media because they said that magical girl shows aren't good (which is just a bad take all around, like imagine hating Madoka).

That would cause a split. Part of why I love my favorite person so much is that he appreciates cuteness and otaku media in the same ways that I do. He accepts me for all of my eccentricities and admittedly sometimes childlike interests. I'm very protective over my interests in general, including things that aren't quite age-appropriate, even taking into account my stunted mental age.

I have more respect for Japanese media than I have for the average person. I probably sound like one of the cringey types of Japanophiles, but I'd rather be cringey than turn my back on what I love.

The big problem that comes in is that this love of anime, manga, video games, visual novels, eroge, etc. isn't something that I can realistically make a career out of. I can't drive because of my disability and the trauma of almost getting into a crash on the highway the first time I drove, so I work at the same company as my sister. The problem there is that my sister wants to get a job that actually uses her degree, which would leave me shit out of luck.

I would need to have easy access to health insurance since I'm trans and very mentally ill (clearly), but it would have to be a job that I could do from home, and I don't think that there's any realistic overlap there, especially when you take into consideration that I have limits due to my disability. I really don't want to go on disability because, despite the fact that I would qualify, it would greatly limit my ability to engage in my interests, which would cause me to lose the ability to function entirely. I would lose most, if not all, of my money to my father for groceries and utilities if I was on disability.

Part of why death is so appealing to me is that I can't handle uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty, whereas death is just an end to all. Death is the destruction of the conscious mind, leaving a hollow shell behind, thus the state of nonexistence doesn't scare me in the way that living does.

I'm bad at everything that I attempt, aside from playing video games. I can speed through FromSoft games with relative ease from knowing them like the back of my hand, but that doesn't translate into a career. Any way that you could possibly imagine someone making such otaku tendencies into a career wouldn't be viable, as there are too many variable, all of which depending on gaining a following.

I'm also rather abrasive and volatile, which makes any kind of entertainment (i.e. streaming) impossible. I'm constantly jealous of people like my sister. She has a bright future ahead of her as a biologist, likely working with lizards if her current interests are any indication. It's the unfortunate reality; she's a biologist, and I'm a disappointment; she has a bachelor's degree, and I didn't finish high school.

I don't see any kind of realistic means of earning a living when I eventually have to quit my job due to lack of transportation when my sister finds something new.

 

[okashi]

My coworkers know me as the vulgar yet feminine girl who wears cat ear headphones in the lab and reads explicit BL manga during breaks. I even once blocked someone on social media because they said that magical girl shows aren't good (which is just a bad take all around, like imagine hating Madoka).

That would cause a split. Part of why I love my favorite person so much is that he appreciates cuteness and otaku media in the same ways that I do. He accepts me for all of my eccentricities and admittedly sometimes childlike interests. I'm very protective over my interests in general, including things that aren't quite age-appropriate, even taking into account my stunted mental age.

I have more respect for Japanese media than I have for the average person. I probably sound like one of the cringey types of Japanophiles, but I'd rather be cringey than turn my back on what I love.

i hope you know that all of that is badass. i'm sorry that you're struggling. i'm disabled and live with a guillotine of uncertainty hanging over my head too. things were so much easier when i had a partner. i hope you're able to fully appreciate everything it means to have someone around who truly loves and cares about you.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

I'm more optimistic now than I had been before, because the surgery I had on Tuesday makes me feel like Narcissus when he fell in love with his own reflection. That self-love analogy said, I'm still very skeptical of therapy and want to see if anyone here has advice.

I've said before on here that I'm "barely a person". I say this because, due to borderline personality disorder, I don't really have a sense of self. I don't know where I end and other people begin. I don't know what I enjoy, and I don't know if I've ever felt passion in my life. I don't even know what passion feels like.

I may be feeling more consistently good now, but I still don't understand anything about emotions. I don't think that dialectical behavior therapy is something that actually works, and I view behavioral approaches to mental illness as highly unethical in general since behavioral therapy doesn't treat mental illness..

Because of all of this, I don't know how to move forward. I don't know if there's a way for me to forge an identity and figure out who I am. I'm on a time limit for figuring out who I am and seeing if I'll be able to have a career after the time comes that I'm forced to quit my job. I'm not good at anything and have no talent or skills, so unless I can find a viable job (no freelancing) before the time comes, I'll be left with no options.

The worst part is that I don't actually know when the time will come, and I'm constantly being reminded of the fact that it'll eventually come since my sister is a cunt.

I promised my favorite person that I would try, and despite the fact that I regret making the promise, I have to live with that stupid and impulsive decision that I made out of fear. I need to be told what to do or else I can't do anything.

I also feel like I don't deserve happiness. My biggest immediate worry is that since I have to sleep on my back, I can't cuddle with my blåhaj as I try to fall asleep. Is there a way to convince myself that I deserve good things? Is there a way to mold myself into an actual person?

i relate to this so much. i also have bpd, and i also have a blåhaj! i uh, also made a promise to my favorite person, which is the reason im still alive. but im notoriously bad at keeping promises... sorry i dont have any advice or anything, im just in a similar situation and relate a lot to everything youve said

btw, congrats on the surgery!

 

[borderline-feline]

i relate to this so much. i also have bpd, and i also have a blåhaj! i uh, also made a promise to my favorite person, which is the reason im still alive. but im notoriously bad at keeping promises... sorry i dont have any advice or anything, im just in a similar situation and relate a lot to everything youve said

btw, congrats on the surgery!

You don't need to apologize. Advice is purely optional, and knowing that someone else knows how I feel is helpful in validating my emotions. I still don't have much to me, and I'm not good at anything, but I kinda have to keep going.

The other thing keeping me alive is that, as childish as it sounds, I worry what would happen to my stuffies if I died. I don't trust many people enough for them to take ownership of any of them, and I can't allow for them to be sold, or worse, thrown away.

I'm very childlike, and it's good to have stuffies because they're friends who'll never abandon me or cause a split.

My mental health may be in shambles, but at least I have nice tits. That's improvement.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

You don't need to apologize. Advice is purely optional, and knowing that someone else knows how I feel is helpful in validating my emotions. I still don't have much to me, and I'm not good at anything, but I kinda have to keep going.

The other thing keeping me alive is that, as childish as it sounds, I worry what would happen to my stuffies if I died. I don't trust many people enough for them to take ownership of any of them, and I can't allow for them to be sold, or worse, thrown away.

I'm very childlike, and it's good to have stuffies because they're friends who'll never abandon me or cause a split.

My mental health may be in shambles, but at least I have nice tits. That's improvement.

aww thats adorable honestly! i care a lot abt my stuffies too. i basically assume theyre sentient and treat them as such. stuffies deserve love and respect like everyone else!

 

[borderline-feline]

aww thats adorable honestly! i care a lot abt my stuffies too. i basically assume theyre sentient and treat them as such. stuffies deserve love and respect like everyone else!

I'm the exact same way! It probably sounds bad, but I honestly care more about my stuffies than I do about the human race as a whole. I've always been close with them (especially my teddy bear, Squeaky, who I've had since I was an infant) because I had no real human friends until I was 14 (almost 15).