Venting Determined to follow through even though Im feeling better.

[Dawn0071111]

I feel stubborn about it and would rather be dead than wrong. I feel so crazy & fucked up about it. It's like I can feel the ideation slipping away & in my head Im like "oh no my chance..." like a door that is slowly closing.... I don't want to live long enough to discover that what caused my trauma, ptsd and most lethal suicide attempt of earlier this year was my fault. That somehow I just went crazy for nothing. I am so angry, distraught & sad. Im doing ptsd therapy while simultaneously planning my exit out of this life. I feel consumed by pride, bitterness. I really hate my first attempt failed. I wonder why I am fighting so hard to move towards CTB. But not the same enthusiasm or effort to building a new life? I just don't want to..... I don't want to go forward in life as the "crazy girl" who lost it over some dude..... I can't tell if I was a victim or if I just snapped. If I should be kissing the ground that I doged a bullet or continually in self hate for destroying something awesome....

I want to die to evade my shame. But what if the shame isn't legitimate? What if I am killing myself over an illusion...a false belief?

I hate starting to feel better. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. To get trauma & ptsd at 39-40 years old. I've never lived thru anything like this.

I feel like only way to free myself from the death grip my ego/mind has on me is to kill myself...

All I keep hearing is; "What if I was wrong? What if it wasn't really a trauma? What if he was my soulmate, not a "perpetrator"? What if I made this all up so I don't have to face my own insanity? What if it was my insanity that drove him
away? What if my story isnt valid? What if I'm like this for the rest of my life?

Ill never be able to forgive myself. Its beter to go ahead & die.

Can anyone relate to any of this? I feel ao crazy & evil. Imagine, determined to die in the face of feeling better... wtf?

 

[21Neberg]

I can relate extremely much to this. The feeling of wanting to die no matter what changes is extremely hard to overcome, I haven't done it myself. The truth is though, if we stay in this mindset our therapy will never actually 'cure' us. If we want to return to having a normal life someday, and look forward to the the future for once, we'll have to commit to staying positive no matter what and really changing ourselves.

But on the other hand, what's the point of going through all this when everything can also be solved by simply quitting? It feels like we're in limbo between life and death. Wishing you strength.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I can relate extremely much to this. The feeling of wanting to die no matter what changes is extremely hard to overcome, I haven't done it myself. The truth is though, if we stay in this mindset our therapy will never actually 'cure' us. If we want to return to having a normal life someday, and look forward to the the future for once, we'll have to commit to staying positive no matter what and really changing ourselves.

But on the other hand, what's the point of going through all this when everything can also be solved by simply quitting? It feels like we're in limbo between life and death. Wishing you strength.

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I had not anticipated the "limbo" thing. I had no idea it was possible to feel this way. I like how you said looking to the future "for once"... yeah. My ptsd fot me chained to the past. Even tho past & furure are in the mind, at least with future it doesn't have to be tragic. I know that tge present moment is ideal, but that shit is boring so yeah.. I at some point have to stop spinning.... somwthing will eventually win out Im sure.

Peace, grace, light to you

 

[Partial-Elf]

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I had not anticipated the "limbo" thing. I had no idea it was possible to feel this way. I like how you said looking to the future "for once"... yeah. My ptsd fot me chained to the past. Even tho past & furure are in the mind, at least with future it doesn't have to be tragic. I know that tge present moment is ideal, but that shit is boring so yeah.. I at some point have to stop spinning.... somwthing will eventually win out Im sure.

Peace, grace, light to you

I'm in a weird similar limbo space. It's been years since I would prefer life over death. To me a good day isn't one in which I prefer life, I think that's impossible now. A good day for me now is a day in which I'm not constantly visualizing the noose or the shotgun and am able to focus on other things. I feel trapped by not hurting family. Otherwise I'd be out very fast. So even in the best of times, I also so badly want to die

 

[Rocksandsand]

Fuck. Some of this resonates so strongly. I feel like we're cut from the same cloth - I also fear being the 'crazy girl' forever, that my trauma is actually my fault... That I enabled the perpetrator. That maybe I am my own perpetrator? All of this throws me back and forth between desperately wanting to recover and wanting death.

I am also in PTSD therapy. And I am also plotting my suicide.

You definitely aren't alone in your experience

 

[HGL91]

I feel stubborn about it and would rather be dead than wrong. I feel so crazy & fucked up about it. It's like I can feel the ideation slipping away & in my head Im like "oh no my chance..." like a door that is slowly closing.... I don't want to live long enough to discover that what caused my trauma, ptsd and most lethal suicide attempt of earlier this year was my fault. That somehow I just went crazy for nothing. I am so angry, distraught & sad. Im doing ptsd therapy while simultaneously planning my exit out of this life. I feel consumed by pride, bitterness. I really hate my first attempt failed. I wonder why I am fighting so hard to move towards CTB. But not the same enthusiasm or effort to building a new life? I just don't want to..... I don't want to go forward in life as the "crazy girl" who lost it over some dude..... I can't tell if I was a victim or if I just snapped. If I should be kissing the ground that I doged a bullet or continually in self hate for destroying something awesome....

I want to die to evade my shame. But what if the shame isn't legitimate? What if I am killing myself over an illusion...a false belief?

I hate starting to feel better. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. To get trauma & ptsd at 39-40 years old. I've never lived thru anything like this.

I feel like only way to free myself from the death grip my ego/mind has on me is to kill myself...

All I keep hearing is; "What if I was wrong? What if it wasn't really a trauma? What if he was my soulmate, not a "perpetrator"? What if I made this all up so I don't have to face my own insanity? What if it was my insanity that drove him
away? What if my story isnt valid? What if I'm like this for the rest of my life?

Ill never be able to forgive myself. Its beter to go ahead & die.

Can anyone relate to any of this? I feel ao crazy & evil. Imagine, determined to die in the face of feeling better... wtf?

I can relate so much with how you're feeling. I'm starting to feel better while living at my mom's and being near my aunt, uncle, cousins, and nieces and nephews, but that makes me want to CTB more. Even though my boyfriend was not working enough, was an alcoholic, and started to control my life so I couldn't have friends or talk to any men (like, not even an accountant!), I still lived with him for 3 years and I'm afraid he's going to commit suicide because he depended on me so much for happiness.

When I was at my worst, I was so emotional, heart racing, paranoid my boyfriend would murder-suicide if I told him I needed to leave him, terrified I'd be homeless for the first time, that I couldn't successfully CTB if I tried. I could barely add 8 + 6 correctly I was so stressed, let alone tie a noose!

Now, I'm calmer, I can think logically...and I'm aware of how bad life can truly get for me if I don't have a loving support system.

I rather kill myself while life is kinda good and I can think clearly than try to be happy again, only to wait until the next traumatic experience happens and lose control over my death and suffering. I truly think if I don't CTB and go through another trauma, I could go to jail or an institution eventually, and then I'd be stuck!!

 

[Dawn0071111]

Fuck. Some of this resonates so strongly. I feel like we're cut from the same cloth - I also fear being the 'crazy girl' forever, that my trauma is actually my fault... That I enabled the perpetrator. That maybe I am my own perpetrator? All of this throws me back and forth between desperately wanting to recover and wanting death.

I am also in PTSD therapy. And I am also plotting my suicide.

You definitely aren't alone in your experience

From the research I have done. This is a symptom. The " going back and forth between desperately wanting to recover and wanting death...." This can be very comforting if we can bring ourselves to believe it..... But it's so hard because no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and sometimes it can be hard to discern. But this is really helpful from the trauma community: That trauma is a normal reaction to an abnormal experince....

And that sometimes we do things out of character because we are trying to survive, trying to protect ourselves.... We have a million conflicted interests.... I mean what the fuck can our poor brain do when our SOURCE OF PAIN AND PLEASURE COMES FROM THE SAME PERSON? This is the root of inter-relational trauma. We have legitimate needs: For safety, to be loved. For security, for freedom. For belonging and accpetance and affirmation. And how horrible it is when so many of us who have these unmet needs, the empty places, who have childhood trauma...... For someone to come along and fuck with us in these areas...... The damage is insane....

It seems like we have need to cover our bases for CONTROL. Wether we live or die, we want to be prepared. I need money to buy more EMDR sessions, but I'm not returning my generator!!! Just in case.

Your reply is dear to my heart..... I'm so glad to know I'm not alone while of course I'm not glad at all your suffering.......
Feel free to reach out if you need an ear.....This shit ain't no joke.... These sense of aloneness is truly crushing....

Sending you comforting energy ...huggz

 

[littlelady774]

I'm constantly worrying about an event that happened in the past. My brain is spinning it's wheels trying to make sense of it.
I think was it this? No maybe it was this. Am I the victim? Or did I just freak out?
I'm the girl that contacts a person 5 years after a relationship ended because I worry and obsess about what happened.
People must think I'm crazy.
Anxiety will be the death of me, I cannot control it.
I'd rather die than spend my life obsessing over the past and impulsively contacting people from years ago.
I hate bothering people