Deteriorating, a bit

[CommitSudoku]

I feel I just need to write where I'll maybe get a response. Everything feels like it just happens then I'm forgotten today. But I just downed a lot of ibuprofen so I have to try to be less of a waste now, but first I want to write.

Anyways I've been hit with physical pain today on top of the normal mental anguish and I just feel so done. I could sleep forever if I had no responsibilities. The ibuprofen is questionably working- like I'm in a limbo where close by is a much worse pain and just the edge of it is stabbing me for now. It's such a weird place where the pain isn't yet disabling but I know it could be today but it's not yet, but somehow still feels so intolerable. It comes and goes too. Aside from my back. I'd rip my stupid spine out if I could.

Anyone else feel anything similar at all? Or want to say anything? This community here is great and the people so nice yet today I feel so empty. I like replying but in some part I'm just filling a hole and numbing myself further. Trying to be worth something here when maybe I'll get a like and it'll be nice but it lasts a second. I wish I could help but I know I can't really and I just feel more alone the more time I spend, the more words I type and hate myself for.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I can imagine that it must be horrible dealing with that physical pain. I know that it is awful when things just get worse. I would also like to just sleep forever, to me life is just meaningless suffering that I would like to be free from. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Rational man]

Pain is all.consuming. Im in pain all.day.and.it eats away at us. I feel my days are ebbing away.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I also worry/hate myself for the words I wrote on here. Afraid they're not good enough. That even on this forum, I am also failing. Maybe showing too much or too little or being way to vulnerable and not smart enough. Never enough.

 

[myopybyproxy]

like I'm in a limbo where close by is a much worse pain and just the edge of it is stabbing me for now. It's such a weird place where the pain isn't yet disabling but I know it could be today but it's not yet, but somehow still feels so intolerable.

Anyone else feel anything similar at all? Or want to say anything?

I feel so empty. I like replying but in some part I'm just filling a hole and numbing myself further. Trying to be worth something here when maybe I'll get a like and it'll be nice but it lasts a second. I wish I could help but I know I can't really and I just feel more alone the more time I spend, the more words I type and hate myself for.

Oh god I feel this. Every word of it. I know that feeling of limbo. On the edge or brink of something horrific - looming disaster. I frantically scramble to numb it, yet I hate feeling numb. Arrgggh.

I love interaction but it's all just words on a screen and when I close my laptop, I still have my idiotic brain to return to, my pathetic life to live in. And now I'm mad at myself for ending a sentence with a preposition, LMAO.

I feel especially this sort of aloneness at work where I must pretend to be happy for the sake of customer service. I feel so empty after a particularly fake interaction.

 

[Kristicide]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I live with physical daily pain along with mental health issues too. So, I understand how you are feeling. We're listening and it's OK to vent.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Oh god I feel this. Every word of it. I know that feeling of limbo. On the edge or brink of something horrific - looming disaster. I frantically scramble to numb it, yet I hate feeling numb. Arrgggh.

I love interaction but it's all just words on a screen and when I close my laptop, I still have my idiotic brain to return to, my pathetic life to live in. And now I'm mad at myself for ending a sentence with a preposition, LMAO.

I feel especially this sort of aloneness at work where I must pretend to be happy for the sake of customer service. I feel so empty after a particularly fake interaction.

Why do you hate feeling numb? I think I used to hate it, but grew numb of feeling that. Though I still hate it sometimes when I know I'm just a bland person no one would want to talk to, but then also it's hard to distinguish all the different hates that all go back to myself. It's better than feeling like crying in any case and doesn't get you questioned for expressing... next to nothing I guess? Or fake feelings? I don't even know anymore. I'm in a weird place. My spine is too messed up to do limbo, literally like the game since I make bad jokes but also just extra painful today.
I feel the same for "when I close my laptop," or turn off my phone. Can't turn off my head then and there's no one but myself to say/think anything.
I don't think I could fake happiness for customers, are there days you can't manage to fake for them? That was one way masks helped me I guess, hid my issues with emotions lol

I'm sorry you're going through this. I live with physical daily pain along with mental health issues too. So, I understand how you are feeling. We're listening and it's OK to vent.

Thank you for writing this. It's hard convincing myself it's okay. Then hard to stop hating myself for posting or venting despite the great community. I don't even deserve such a great community in the end but some wonderful people give me company still.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Why do you hate feeling numb?

I don't know. Everything is just so horribly dull. In some ways I prefer anger. But when I get to a place where nothing makes me feel better - not drugs, binge eating, cutting, nor sex - I don't know what to do. At least with depression, anxiety, anger - I can resort to those things. Numbness is its own beast. Sometimes it's nice to have a break from feelings, when I've been feeling particularly bad at high intensity for enough time, but soon enough I get bored of being numb and wish to feel something.

I don't think I could fake happiness for customers, are there days you can't manage to fake for them?

Yep, and then my boss gives me a talking-to. On those days I try to get assigned to a position that's not interactive, like cleaning the restrooms or washing dishes, but invariably I'll get assigned to drive-thru or register, and then I just muddle my way through the shift. I tell myself it's only this many minutes left, etc, so it doesn't seem as daunting. Although when a minute feels like an hour, that's not much consolation, but the time limit provides some relief knowing it will be over soon. Thankfully I feel somewhat secure in my acting ability (though not to be sane, haha), and those days where I can't manage to fake it are few and far between, else I'd long since have been (syntax?) out of a job. You know what I mean.