Desperate to CTB

[MissKatrina]

It's been 22 days of insanity. I haven't slept more than 2 hours a night. Lost 10 kg. Don't eat more than yoghurt and drink coffee. Having a mental breakdown everyday. Panic attacks multiple times a day. It's so difficult to breathe and I'm on the verge of tears constantly. I genuinely want out. I'm in too much pain. Don't ask why. It's too painful.

I want SN. I can't think of anything else which will reliably kill me. Nowhere I can hang myself. Bridges are far and not something I can get for a couple weeks. Trains are unethical to me. No over the counter drugs that will reliably or quickly kill me. Driving myself to death risks hurting someone else. Can't get hold of firearms. I want SN. I purchased from a famous auction site and it was meant to arrive a while back but I won't get it anytime soon because of the lockdown and nothing being posted. It's the UK so the river site isn't even an option. I found another source but they're on holiday for 5 days. I don't know how to not feel like I'm being torn apart constantly. I don't know how to wait to CTB. I need to wait so that I don't do something silly and fail, but I don't know how to hold on.

I wanted to have the SN and wait till 1st June to CTB. It would have been a comfort blanket so that I can get that far, knowing it was just within arms reach and an option at any moment. But I don't know how I'll make it without it. It's so hard to even breathe and there's nothing that distracts me from the pain.

 

[MotherOfCats]

I think we're having the same problem with the same seller. Lockdown sucks.
I'm really sorry things are so unbearable for you, it's got to be so hard. Maybe you could keep an eye on the auction site and hope a UK seller comes up?

 

[MissKatrina]

I think we're having the same problem with the same seller. Lockdown sucks.
I'm really sorry things are so unbearable for you, it's got to be so hard. Maybe you could keep an eye on the auction site and hope a UK seller comes up?

Lockdown definitely sucks. Posting times are insane and options are so limited. I check the auction site and postal services and news about the country that has these postal services for updates multiple times a day. I really would love to just be able to chill and distract myself. Watch some netflix, but my mind just can't focus on anything.

 

[MotherOfCats]

Lockdown definitely sucks. Posting times are insane and options are so limited. I check the auction site and postal services and news about the country that has these postal services for updates multiple times a day. I really would love to just be able to chill and distract myself. Watch some netflix, but my mind just can't focus on anything.

Damn, distractions like Netflix we're going to be my next suggestion. It seems like you're pretty on top of all the avenues. Are you working at the moment? Any other distractions?

 

[MissKatrina]

Damn, distractions like Netflix we're going to be my next suggestion. It seems like you're pretty on top of all the avenues. Are you working at the moment? Any other distractions?

It's my final year of University. Trying to study but it's very difficult. I just cannot focus with so much pain. I can't successfully distract myself or calm myself down. I've just been trying to hold on long enough to CTB. But it's so so hard.

 

[Timetodie90]

Sorry to hear about how you are feeling MissKatrina. I'm kind of in the same boat I took an almost lethal overdose a month ago. I'm now having to stay at my mother's due to needing to be watched. Also been put on new medication by the Crisis team etc. Only advice I can give is just think that each day you are getting closer to ctbing. Hopefully this lockdown ends soon and we can get sorted and ctb. Hear if you need to chat just drop me a message.

 

[MotherOfCats]

It's my final year of University. Trying to study but it's very difficult. I just cannot focus with so much pain. I can't successfully distract myself or calm myself down. I've just been trying to hold on long enough to CTB. But it's so so hard.

Ahh, I loved uni. I think it was the last time I was truly happy. I never had the severity of mental issues I have now, can't imagine how hard final year would be with that as well. Any chance things might get better after uni? It'll definitely be a big change.

 

[MissKatrina]

Sorry to hear about how you are feeling MissKatrina. I'm kind of in the same boat I took an almost lethal overdose a month ago. I'm now having to stay at my mother's due to needing to be watched. Also been put on new medication by the Crisis team etc. Only advice I can give is just think that each day you are getting closer to ctbing. Hopefully this lockdown ends soon and we can get sorted and ctb. Hear if you need to chat just drop me a message.

Hope you're doing physically okay. Being watched and hospitalised is what makes me stop myself from doing anything rash now. I don't think I'd successfully be able to partially hang myself or cause enough blood loss so i'm trying really really hard to not do anything impulsive.. Definitely agree on the thought process of each day I'm getting closer to my expiry date. I have a countdown timer on my phone which does it by hours and minutes and seconds. Offers some comfort at midnight. One month one week is still far away though. Thanks for your kind words :)

Ahh, I loved uni. I think it was the last time I was truly happy. I never had the severity of mental issues I have now, can't imagine how hard final year would be with that as well. Any chance things might get better after uni? It'll definitely be a big change.

I was born with depression. My first suicide attempt was when I was 6 years old. I don't want to think about after Uni. Living is painful enough as is.

 

[Timetodie90]

Hope you're doing physically okay. Being watched and hospitalised is what makes me stop myself from doing anything rash now. I don't think I'd successfully be able to partially hang myself or cause enough blood loss so i'm trying really really hard to not do anything impulsive.. Definitely agree on the thought process of each day I'm getting closer to my expiry date. I have a countdown timer on my phone which does it by hours and minutes and seconds. Offers some comfort at midnight. One month one week is still far away though. Thanks for your kind words :)

I was going to get drunk take some sleeping pills and do partial. I had it all rigged up. But I decided to take an overdose and go to bed instead. I was left for 12 hours no vomit just snoring loudly. My lips were blue and my feet were pale white. So I almost ctbed. I was very close. My mam found me and rang an ambulance Then I just had a nice long sleep and had a weird trip for a couple of days in the hospital but I'm surprisingly fine. However I may have damaged my heart but the hospital were very hazy on what has happened to my heart. I will find out when I go back for a scan but hopefully I will have ctbed by then somehow. But I wish I had got drunk etc. and attempted partial or full suspension. I thought the overdose would be easy which it was but didn't work sadly. Here is a little quote that helps me.

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."

Friedrich Nietzsche

 

[MotherOfCats]

Hope you're doing physically okay. Being watched and hospitalised is what makes me stop myself from doing anything rash now. I don't think I'd successfully be able to partially hang myself or cause enough blood loss so i'm trying really really hard to not do anything impulsive.. Definitely agree on the thought process of each day I'm getting closer to my expiry date. I have a countdown timer on my phone which does it by hours and minutes and seconds. Offers some comfort at midnight. One month one week is still far away though. Thanks for your kind words :)


I was born with depression. My first suicide attempt was when I was 6 years old. I don't want to think about after Uni. Living is painful enough as is.

I understand, I honestly don't think everyone is compatible with life. Some people were just born with the wrong balance of chemicals in their brains.

 

[Deathcabforugly]

It's been 22 days of insanity. I haven't slept more than 2 hours a night. Lost 10 kg. Don't eat more than yoghurt and drink coffee. Having a mental breakdown everyday. Panic attacks multiple times a day. It's so difficult to breathe and I'm on the verge of tears constantly. I genuinely want out. I'm in too much pain. Don't ask why. It's too painful.

I want SN. I can't think of anything else which will reliably kill me. Nowhere I can hang myself. Bridges are far and not something I can get for a couple weeks. Trains are unethical to me. No over the counter drugs that will reliably or quickly kill me. Driving myself to death risks hurting someone else. Can't get hold of firearms. I want SN. I purchased from a famous auction site and it was meant to arrive a while back but I won't get it anytime soon because of the lockdown and nothing being posted. It's the UK so the river site isn't even an option. I found another source but they're on holiday for 5 days. I don't know how to not feel like I'm being torn apart constantly. I don't know how to wait to CTB. I need to wait so that I don't do something silly and fail, but I don't know how to hold on.

I wanted to have the SN and wait till 1st June to CTB. It would have been a comfort blanket so that I can get that far, knowing it was just within arms reach and an option at any moment. But I don't know how I'll make it without it. It's so hard to even breathe and there's nothing that distracts me from the pain.

I'm sorry what is SN?

 

[Timetodie90]

I'm sorry what is SN?

Sodium Nitrite

 

[Deathcabforugly]

I tried to kill myself a month ago overdosing on Seroquel and a blood pressure medication. Almost had renal failure. Woke up in the hospital to find that I was in an even deeper level of hell than before. Now I'm researching how to hang myself and wanting to attempt ina park that is closed now because of the virus.

 

[Xunnsu]

It's been 22 days of insanity. I haven't slept more than 2 hours a night. Lost 10 kg. Don't eat more than yoghurt and drink coffee.

My sleeping schedule was like that back in June and July. I have severe insomnia, and it went crazy for a while. I had to keep a checklist every day, because I couldn't tell if I did something, or dreamed it, or just thought about it. And it helped me tell the difference between yesterday and the current day.

I tried to kill myself a month ago overdosing on Seroquel and a blood pressure medication. Almost had renal failure. Woke up in the hospital to find that I was in an even deeper level of hell than before. Now I'm researching how to hang myself and wanting to attempt ina park that is closed now because of the virus.

Be careful of cops making late-night checks. Even with places open, where I live, they run by to see if anyone is up to something. I think they mostly look for minors and drug users.

 

[MissKatrina]

I was going to get drunk take some sleeping pills and do partial. I had it all rigged up. But I decided to take an overdose and go to bed instead. I was left for 12 hours no vomit just snoring loudly. My lips were blue and my feet were pale white. So I almost ctbed. I was very close. My mam found me and rang an ambulance Then I just had a nice long sleep and had a weird trip for a couple of days in the hospital but I'm surprisingly fine. However I may have damaged my heart but the hospital were very hazy on what has happened to my heart. I will find out when I go back for a scan but hopefully I will have ctbed by then somehow. But I wish I had got drunk etc. and attempted partial or full suspension. I thought the overdose would be easy which it was but didn't work sadly. Here is a little quote that helps me.

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."

Friedrich Nietzsche

I'm sorry about the experience and that it didnt go to plan. Hope you're on good terms with your mother. Whats it like sleeping for days? Do you wake up fresh?

Poor heart. Hope it feels better soon and the damage isn't permanent. That is a beautiful quote and it is so true. Death is currently the only candle lighting up the dark for me.

I understand, I honestly don't think everyone is compatible with life. Some people were just born with the wrong balance of chemicals in their brains.

I could never agree more. Sertraline was amazing for me. I never felt depressed on it but I could not sleep at all even with sleeping meds and I threw up at least 20 times a day and fell badly nauseous all day. Never found another antidepressant that worked like it's positives. And had some other antidepressants which messed me up more.

I tried to kill myself a month ago overdosing on Seroquel and a blood pressure medication. Almost had renal failure. Woke up in the hospital to find that I was in an even deeper level of hell than before. Now I'm researching how to hang myself and wanting to attempt ina park that is closed now because of the virus.

Renal failure is awful. How are your kidneys now? Did they recover? I hope you find peace whatever you decide. It's reading these kinda posts that push me to wait. I don't want to end up worse than I am.

 

[Deathcabforugly]

I'm sorry about the experience and that it didnt go to plan. Hope you're on good terms with your mother. Whats it like sleeping for days? Do you wake up fresh?

Poor heart. Hope it feels better soon and the damage isn't permanent. That is a beautiful quote and it is so true. Death is currently the only candle lighting up the dark for me.


I could never agree more. Sertraline was amazing for me. I never felt depressed on it but I could not sleep at all even with sleeping meds and I threw up at least 20 times a day and fell badly nauseous all day. Never found another antidepressant that worked like it's positives. And had some other antidepressants which messed me up more.


Renal failure is awful. How are your kidneys now? Did they recover? I hope you find peace whatever you decide. It's reading these kinda posts that push me to wait. I don't want to end up worse than I am.

Thank you miss Katrina. Yeah my kidneys are fine. After the hospital I seeked God out with prayer and fasting and maybe He did spare my life idk. I just have NO future whatsoever to look forward to

 

[MissKatrina]

Thank you miss Katrina. Yeah my kidneys are fine. After the hospital I seeked God out with prayer and fasting and maybe He did spare my life idk. I just have NO future whatsoever to look forward to

It's funny how opposite I am to you. I'm an atheist. I'm not fond of prayer and fasting. I don't want my life spared. And I have an immediate future I could look forward to in theory but I'm in too much pain and too broken to enjoy anything.

Glad your kidneys are good. Look after your body until it's time to CTB if you choose to. No need to make yourself suffer more than it needs to. Think I'm telling myself that more than you. Lol.

 

[Timetodie90]

I'm sorry about the experience and that it didnt go to plan. Hope you're on good terms with your mother. Whats it like sleeping for days? Do you wake up fresh?

Poor heart. Hope it feels better soon and the damage isn't permanent. That is a beautiful quote and it is so true. Death is currently the only candle lighting up the dark for me.

We are on good terms. We have discussed it all quite a lot.

Well it started off fine I was having a nice dream. Then I had horrible nightmares and hallucinations. I can't remember what was a nightmare and what was an hallucination. It that makes sense. The nightmares and hallucinations revolved around Logan's Run and a Clockwork Orange. At one point I was throwing cups of water at the nurses etc. As I thought they were baddies. Trying to program me etc. I woke up feeling yack and very tired. I had been given a catheter. Had numerous bruises were I had needles poked in me. Also my nose felt bad due to not being able to treat my Chronic Rhino-Sinusitis while out of it. But surprisingly the time between overdosing and waking back up felt like 15 mins even though it had been about 4 days.

I actually hope I have damaged my heart so it is easier for me to ctb in future. It is a lovely quote and summarises how I think every evening.