PrincessInWhite
I just want to sell out my funeral
- Feb 21, 2019
- 641
I know I'm always on here asking "does anyone else" but I just feel so fucking alone.
It's my time. I know in my bones it is my time. Between the horrible things happening to me physically to the horrible reality that I can't cope with time passing, or change. The thought of staying around to watch everyone around me I love get old and die is horrific. And I used to be able to ignore this reality when I was younger because it seemed so far away, but time is merciless, and has already taken so much from me, and I can no longer ignore that it will continue to do so at a more and more rapid pace as time goes on. i know this is just a fact of life that most people accept, but I can't. I have always been this way.
I am DESPERATELY sad and devastated that this is what my life has come to. I know a lot of people will say if you're sad you're not ready and I can see where they come from honestly, especially if it's a decision made about circumstances that have lasted a short time or something that could easily improve (a breakup, lost job, etc) but I have hated change since I was a child, and this will be the biggest change of all. It BREAKS my whole fucking heart to leave my loved ones. But the agony of being here is no longer bearable, especially with these conditions I now have. I subconsciously pushed it off as far as I could because I really did wanna live. But this existence is no longer living. Every person left in my life is (TOTALLY and completely understandably) fed up with me. They love me deeply but they've done all they can. My brain and the way I think is not conducive with life or coping with normal life things, and despite my very best attempts to change that, it hasn't worked. I have done therapy, treatment programs, medications, self help books, lifestyle changes and career paths, etc and nothing works. I believe there is a small percentage of people who just don't get better, and I'm one of them.
I just wonder who else accepts that their time is here, but still feels so devastated over it. to finally abandon all hope, to say goodbye to the few people and things left that still put love in my heart. I think before I was blaming it on not having the perfect method but the reality is- I'm sad. I'm so fucking sad and I've been weeping all day long as I slowly come to terms with this reality.
I am just sitting here waiting for my partner to come home in 3 hours, his whole life is working and dealing with me, and he deserves so much better. He has expressed many times that he wants me here no matter what, that's the kind of man he is. But I see he is so tired of this. I see him drinking more to cope with all of this. I see my poor father in his mid 60's still supporting me totally, my brother so sick and tired of the constant rollercoaster. None of them have EVER once made me feel like they'd be better off with me here, but I'm not a fucking idiot. We are all trapped here suffering with me. I know I am committing the most heinous act and they will live with it forever, but their other option is to literally care for me like a child for the remainder of my life, and I choose freedom, for all of us. Maybe when they think of me from now on they'll feel a small bit of peace knowing I'm free.
Can anyone relate to my struggles, or offer me some ways they think about death and dying that may ease my deep suffering and pain? I've truly suffered so long and lost so much- my mom, my best friend since childhood, the ability to sleep and eat freely, the ability to feel hope or true happineess. I would just like to do the kind thing and end my and everyone else's suffering. Any words of advice, any media, anything.
If you read all of this, I love you. <3 thank you
It's my time. I know in my bones it is my time. Between the horrible things happening to me physically to the horrible reality that I can't cope with time passing, or change. The thought of staying around to watch everyone around me I love get old and die is horrific. And I used to be able to ignore this reality when I was younger because it seemed so far away, but time is merciless, and has already taken so much from me, and I can no longer ignore that it will continue to do so at a more and more rapid pace as time goes on. i know this is just a fact of life that most people accept, but I can't. I have always been this way.
I am DESPERATELY sad and devastated that this is what my life has come to. I know a lot of people will say if you're sad you're not ready and I can see where they come from honestly, especially if it's a decision made about circumstances that have lasted a short time or something that could easily improve (a breakup, lost job, etc) but I have hated change since I was a child, and this will be the biggest change of all. It BREAKS my whole fucking heart to leave my loved ones. But the agony of being here is no longer bearable, especially with these conditions I now have. I subconsciously pushed it off as far as I could because I really did wanna live. But this existence is no longer living. Every person left in my life is (TOTALLY and completely understandably) fed up with me. They love me deeply but they've done all they can. My brain and the way I think is not conducive with life or coping with normal life things, and despite my very best attempts to change that, it hasn't worked. I have done therapy, treatment programs, medications, self help books, lifestyle changes and career paths, etc and nothing works. I believe there is a small percentage of people who just don't get better, and I'm one of them.
I just wonder who else accepts that their time is here, but still feels so devastated over it. to finally abandon all hope, to say goodbye to the few people and things left that still put love in my heart. I think before I was blaming it on not having the perfect method but the reality is- I'm sad. I'm so fucking sad and I've been weeping all day long as I slowly come to terms with this reality.
I am just sitting here waiting for my partner to come home in 3 hours, his whole life is working and dealing with me, and he deserves so much better. He has expressed many times that he wants me here no matter what, that's the kind of man he is. But I see he is so tired of this. I see him drinking more to cope with all of this. I see my poor father in his mid 60's still supporting me totally, my brother so sick and tired of the constant rollercoaster. None of them have EVER once made me feel like they'd be better off with me here, but I'm not a fucking idiot. We are all trapped here suffering with me. I know I am committing the most heinous act and they will live with it forever, but their other option is to literally care for me like a child for the remainder of my life, and I choose freedom, for all of us. Maybe when they think of me from now on they'll feel a small bit of peace knowing I'm free.
Can anyone relate to my struggles, or offer me some ways they think about death and dying that may ease my deep suffering and pain? I've truly suffered so long and lost so much- my mom, my best friend since childhood, the ability to sleep and eat freely, the ability to feel hope or true happineess. I would just like to do the kind thing and end my and everyone else's suffering. Any words of advice, any media, anything.
If you read all of this, I love you. <3 thank you
What you've been through sounds absolutely awful. To have that happen out of nowhere? I can't even imagine. More conversations will absolutely be had with my loved ones detailing the extent of my suffering (although it's abundantly clear), and I'm always open to any ideas they have to try, although we've sort of run out at this point. I would never straight up tell my partner I am going to ctb on x date because that implicates him without his consent and puts him in a position where he either has to call the police (dear god no) or be complicit in my suicide, and the police WILL ask if he knew I had a date, etc. but I see where you're coming from, and I see how you yearn to help others in the wake of something so awful, and I think that's very admirable. There really aren't any easy answers here. If I weren't so tired I'd cry more.
