SaikiKusuo
& now I'm finding hope even when it's irrational
- Mar 3, 2026
- 32
When I like an artwork (any kind, not just visual) I have a very strong reaction that is hard to describe. I imagine most people feel this way at least on some level? I'm not sure. I am not religious, but listening to a song I really like makes me feel like god himself is reaching out to me. Or like I'm high lol?
Basically the point is that I like art so so much.
I wish I was an artist so that I could make something good like that. I want someone to see or hear what I've made and feel a tiny fraction like I do when I see something amazing.
I have tried to tell my therapist about this, but it didn't seem like the gravity of this was understood. I'll bring it up again for sure. It's just that this is so important to me. Like . if I could make one really good artwork and then die the next day, I wouldn't even have anything to regret about my life.
Unfortunately everything I make sucks, and I've done a great job of beating myself up about it even though obviously I have to make cruddy stuff before I can make decent stuff. For all the highs there are equal lows where I see great art and know I will die without making anything half as good. What is the point of living if that's how it will go? Why should I even bother trying if it's impossible? It seems like all the people that are actually good at this stuff figured it out when they were teenagers so it's too late for me now.
There are other things in my life that are pushing me towards feeling very doomed right now so I guess that's why I am so gloomy about this.
Honestly I should just try making something. I need to make something bad just to see. I grew up taking music lessons so I know that if I just practice at something for a long time then I'll eventually be good at it, right? Maybe. What I want to do is harder than just playing music off a page though. And that isn't easy to do well.
Hopefully this made at least a bit of sense. It's hard to turn the feelings into words, you know? I'm definitely not a great writer lol
I will be looking for my hope because it seems I've misplaced it lately. It's got to be somewhere around here. I'll get it. Maybe I've found it already just saying that.
Basically the point is that I like art so so much.
I wish I was an artist so that I could make something good like that. I want someone to see or hear what I've made and feel a tiny fraction like I do when I see something amazing.
I have tried to tell my therapist about this, but it didn't seem like the gravity of this was understood. I'll bring it up again for sure. It's just that this is so important to me. Like . if I could make one really good artwork and then die the next day, I wouldn't even have anything to regret about my life.
Unfortunately everything I make sucks, and I've done a great job of beating myself up about it even though obviously I have to make cruddy stuff before I can make decent stuff. For all the highs there are equal lows where I see great art and know I will die without making anything half as good. What is the point of living if that's how it will go? Why should I even bother trying if it's impossible? It seems like all the people that are actually good at this stuff figured it out when they were teenagers so it's too late for me now.
There are other things in my life that are pushing me towards feeling very doomed right now so I guess that's why I am so gloomy about this.
Honestly I should just try making something. I need to make something bad just to see. I grew up taking music lessons so I know that if I just practice at something for a long time then I'll eventually be good at it, right? Maybe. What I want to do is harder than just playing music off a page though. And that isn't easy to do well.
Hopefully this made at least a bit of sense. It's hard to turn the feelings into words, you know? I'm definitely not a great writer lol
I will be looking for my hope because it seems I've misplaced it lately. It's got to be somewhere around here. I'll get it. Maybe I've found it already just saying that.
