Venting Desire to get better

[ghu_123]

Sometimes our desire to feel better and get better blinds us from root problems and pains that end up influencing our daily lives without us knowing.

We begin to compromise just to continue existing normalizing meaninglessness and even encouraging it.

I've became extremely skeptical every time I feel better, trapped in a limbo between my desire to truly live, my survival instinct, fear of the future, Shame of the past and my desire to be completely erased.

No one wants to be depressed, it's such a heavy weight to curry day In day out. It's completely normal to want to escape the pain but we end up facing it more powerful then ever before. Worst yet, some of us have to face it all alone without help, without understanding, Without love…..

I feel that I'm sick most days , sleeping when ever I can as long as I can. Sometimes I nap for 1-2 hours and still be able to sleep at night for 10-11 hours, only to be waken up to go the bathroom and get ready to work.

I might as well be dead in all but name. The only difference between me and someone who actually committed suicide is that I'm biologically alive. But we both have given up on life, we both understand that their is no possibility for us to find the meaning in life no matter how hard we try.

That thought is especially brutal, to be trapped between life and death knowing that this world has nothing to offer you. Nothing. There's no place for me in this world, people don't love me, they don't hate me, they just don't care.

 

[iloverachel]

Sometimes I don't know if I truly want to get better. If I get rid of the depression and suicidal thoughts, I'd still be stuck in a boring, mediocre, meaningless life for decades.

But if I get worse, that can push me to CTB and escape this hell much quicker.

But at the same time, feeling horrible every day is no way to live.

I want to get better, but still want to have the urge to CTB if i got better pretty much

 

[iloveduster]

Since I was in pain for a long time, the slightest sense of comfort can blindly lead me to thinking "wait, maybe life is actually fine and everything will be okay," but then as if some higher being, a God felt like playing with me and my stupidity, the pain comes back worse than before

 

[userfromgermany]

Since I was in pain for a long time, the slightest sense of comfort can blindly lead me to thinking "wait, maybe life is actually fine and everything will be okay," but then as if some higher being, a God felt like playing with me and my stupidity, the pain comes back worse than before

Exactly that. Can't extinguish hope.

 

[escape_from_hell]

The comfort of drugs and the comfort of the thought of CTB keeps bringing me into that limbo.
I guess the reality is I just lack the courage to get it over with. Knowing it needs to be done but being such a big wuss sucks.
But if I had virtues of character like strength, bravery, tolerance to pain, and so on, life actually might get better for real. Not happening though.

 

[tbroken]

Since I was in pain for a long time, the slightest sense of comfort can blindly lead me to thinking "wait, maybe life is actually fine and everything will be okay," but then as if some higher being, a God felt like playing with me and my stupidity, the pain comes back worse than before

Recovery or similar things just make you reach the '0' status in life. A good life is far beyond that point and you must EARN IT with blood and tears, if you already don't have one or you don't have so many opportunities.
I remember well a period in my life when i was heavily depressed, I started drinking, smoking and eating way more than normal and I also thought about suicide.
I was in hell and there was a certain point when i decided to stop drinking, stop eating and did the symbolic act of throwing the almost full pack of cigarettes.
I began to run and train and even participated to marathon, it was the first time in my life that i worn a really nice six-pack on my abdomen, studied a lot and was able to enjoy all my passions during the week.
But one day, while I was running, I felt a really strange sensation of emptiness in my heart and whole body, I realized that i was at point 0 of my life, finally I had a lot of my problems solved, but that was only the start of the climbing for a successful/happy or at least decent life.
Now that I'm depressed again, also thanks to my last 3 jobs and other stuff in my life, i want to reach the 0 point again(at least), it was not the best life out there, but at least I was in shape, and is better to be depressed and in shape, than a total scum that has not total control over his brain and body.
The MOST frustrating part is that I'm close to 0% responsible of my depression, but who cares...

 

[thewalkingdread]

I've became extremely skeptical every time I feel better, trapped in a limbo between my desire to truly live, my survival instinct, fear of the future, Shame of the past and my desire to be completely erased.

This hit me like a Truck trampling over a clueless person trying to cross a road...

 

[UKscotty]

I think all of us want recovery, even if we don't say so to ourselves.

When someone is truly ready to go, they will find a way to CTB. All excuses and hope will melt away.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

trapped in a limbo is so true. I feel trapped between worlds, countries, time itself. Nothing makes sense to me any more. No wonder I want exit and relief.