Discussion Describe how your life reached the point of suicide ?

[EyeBeyond]

I have not had what to complain about my life since I was a child, my family has always been very affectionate with me and well financially. School time was normal, as I said in the past thread I never had much problem with bullying, abuse, or trauma. I started to develop depression and anxiety during my first contact with adulthood, in my 20s it was my first job I started there at the age of 18. I was a waiter in a restaurant located in a noble neighborhood of the city, we received famous people and politicians there. As any job was very stressful there and my boss was a very difficult person to deal with, constantly I was threatened with dismissal and did work that was not my job, normal stress of a sub job, it was also in this job that I realized that adults are not very different from high school teenager, I expected more maturity but people were miserable and fake, people screwing up coworkers to be promoted, pretending to be your friend to talk shit behind your back and so on. Then the pandemic, covid 19 and things just got worse, I quit this job because I didn't feel safe working there because of the pandemic but actually I just hated my job. After that my life only got worse, drugs for anxiety and depression were already a common thing in my life, my body had an allergic skin reaction due to my anxiety.

When the pandemic ended I started working as an English teacher at a language school in my country, it was already a better job compared to the first, better salary and benefits. Regarding people in the workplace, I was already used to the falsehood and malice of co-workers, so this was no longer news to me but even so it affected my anxiety and now in addition to dealing with co-workers and my boss, I also had to deal with kids and teenagers, my students, and like any school, always have those students who give more work and are more difficult, of course stress was guaranteed, so I worked for a few years in some schools and had to get used not only to common stress from work but also my anxiety, I did treatments with antidepressants, practiced sports, gym and even meditation to have a better quality of life and keep my mood and anxiety regulated. Everything was going well I had a well disciplined routine, worked, studied and took good care of my body and mind but even so it was not enough, I began to feel unable to do anything in my life and lose my confidence in myself, any mistake or failure I made was enough to give up everything, I lived constantly judging myself, created a negative narrative against me in my mind, began to justify my mistakes, my failures with attention deficit disorder, because since my adolescence I heard from my parents, friends that I was very inattentive, they made jokes with my way of being. Gradually I found myself surrounded by problems, depression anxiety, ADHD supposedly. So finally in the middle of this year I started the treatment with a psychologist to investigate these problems that I had but gradually I lost all hope that I had to continue living, I do not feel able to bear it until the end, I can't even see myself as an old man in the future.

I gave up living because it makes no sense, all this suffering for what reason, the main reason I hate my life is people, it's a world of pretending, full of judgements, nobody really cares about you. I don't want to have my own family, bringing my children into this world is asking them to suffer. I can't see the future for me here on this earth, I don't want to be a part of it anymore, I don't fit in, I'm too authentic to be a part of it,

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I wish to cease existing because I have awareness of how truly undesirable existence is, in my case I prefer the sound of ceasing to exist, I only wish for eternal nothingness.

I see suicide as the rational solution to prevent and escape from suffering in this cruel and futile existence where there is no limit as to how much one can suffer. I don't see any value in existing as a conscious being destined to decay and die, no matter what I'll always see it as better to not be burdened with the ability to exist in this hellish reality. All that existence does is create unnecessary problems and pain, existing is certainly not for me.

 

[Aim]

If you lost everything in your life would you be sad?

 

[BarnabasCollins]

I'm sorry you've been through all that. It sucks realizing the adult world is just high school again, but worse in many cases. At least high school kids are young enough not to know better.

I understand how terrible the negative self-image can be. I hope you find peace from your struggles.

As for me, my parents were neglectful and verbally and emotionally abusive. My father was physically abusive when he got really angry. I was told I was a mistake and that my younger brother was better than me. I was a shy, artsy kid, so I got bullied and beaten up frequently. When I was 11, I was raped. This all gave me PTSD, major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, extremely negative self-image, a belief that I'm less than others, and suicide ideation.

I attempted suicide at 12. When I got to high school, I put on an act to fit in so I wouldn't get bullied anymore. I loved college because it was an open, accepting, intellectual environment. Then I discovered, as you did, that life is more like high school.

I got into a career (law) that I hated to try and finally make my parents proud of me. It didn't work. I worked my ass off and dealt with backstabbing, duplicity, and politics at work, which made my mental condition worse.

I didn't really try and have long term relationships during this time. I was focusing on the career I hated. Then I married the first woman to show an interest in me. She was controlling, manipulative, critical, and utterly lacking in compassion. I did everything she wanted and it was never good enough. I got really depressed. She flipped out over it and demanded I go to a mental health facility, which I did. I came out of it feeling better, but then discovered she'd drained our accounts, kicked me out, and filed for divorce.

Now she's using my mental health and unhappy past to argue I'm an unfit father to my 16-month-old son. She's making the divorce vicious and expensive. Lawyers have cost me all my money. She will raise my son to hate me. She and her family are strict Southern Baptist, don't believe depression is real, and view me as an "ungodly" influence because, according to the Bible, if you're saved you're full of joy, no matter what. They see it as their religious duty to keep me from my son. I'm also her third divorce (hilariously), so she wants vengeance for that.

I just can't take it anymore. It's become more than I can handle. My pain has well exceeded my resources for dealing with it. I've just lost hope.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I had a good childhood and loving parents. Although I only finished high school and have no uni degree I could build up a successful life that I wanted to live. One could say with "modern phrases" - I had a very good work-life balance. Life had the avg. ups and downs but everything ascended until my big failure in life a few years ago. Follows are: declining life quality (mainly bc of financial issues), recovery is almost impossible. Too many failed attempts to rescue the sinking ship. Suicide is the only answer to prevent further personal suffering. I'm not really interested in experiencing any lower life quality than I have already now.

 

[stoiccactus]

In my case, my day to day stress levels due to a combination of my job, my mental health problems (which lead to problems in my career), and the world around me. I just can't take it anymore. I want to turn down the stress from a 110 to a 100 but that's literally impossible because of the messes I've made. The only option is to turn it down to 0 at this point.

 

[F@#$]

I'm not sure how it started, I've been this way for probably 30 years. It has evolved into a hatred of the world and a realization that I've wasted my life and the only retirement I have to look forward to is at the end of a .357.

 

[CouldaHvBeenARock]

Well I've been sick for most of my life
And
When I was 15, some European country legalized euthanasia for the terminal and from that point on I knew this was how I was gonna catch that bus

Eventually my health took a nose dive in recent years, earlier than I thought...

Cut the story short
After fighting had to recover, I didn't
And my life fell below a point I could give a shit about this was about a year ago
I remember telling my then therapist than I might not last long

Now each new day
Is another day of drugs and managing my health
That's all I am able to be
And I hate it
So I'm done with life
And too broke and tired to try euthanasia

 

[Forever Sleep]

Initially I was 10. Mourning the loss of 3 close family members and living with a (suspected) narcissist. My life felt like hell at that point. I felt so deeply unhappy, afraid and alone. I remember looking out the window and the thought just popped in- I'd prefer to be dead rather than live like this.

Thereon after, it just kept coming back. Maybe different reasons but pretty much the same thing- I don't like my life as it is. I'd rather be dead. (Passive ideation.)

Of course, when I became an adult and could leave home, I got the opportunity to change things I didn't like and I tried. I tried my best going for a career I could put all of myself in to. That wasn't the best idea though. Because obviously- if/when that fails, there's very little else.

I was sort of more actively suicidal (looking for methods) in my 20's but not quite to the extent I have been the past couple of years. Mainly I suppose because nature dictates that I'm nearing a time I may actually be able to do it.

There have always been people in my life that I cared about and who I know cared about me. But all but one have already passed on now. So- I must be getting nearer the time where I feel it would be a more feasible thing for me to do.

 

[savoytruffle]

about the time i turned 12 it all went downhill and my brain broke, never planned anything in my life because i never expected to live past 18, then got the opportunity to attend military school = a cushy office job and out of poverty. well i failed that too, after 3 days i was out

now im attending college again and i haven't passed a single class in 3 years, so it's pointless. i can barely talk to people without wanting to throw up, my brain is scrambled eggs and i will never be able to function in society, and my poor mother has to financially support me. and once she dies that's it for me, homelessness. it's the end of the road for me and im only prolonging the inevitable

 

[EyeBeyond]

If you lost everything in your life would you be sad?

that would be one more reason to die

I'm sorry you've been through all that. It sucks realizing the adult world is just high school again, but worse in many cases. At least high school kids are young enough not to know better.

I understand how terrible the negative self-image can be. I hope you find peace from your struggles.

As for me, my parents were neglectful and verbally and emotionally abusive. My father was physically abusive when he got really angry. I was told I was a mistake and that my younger brother was better than me. I was a shy, artsy kid, so I got bullied and beaten up frequently. When I was 11, I was raped. This all gave me PTSD, major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, extremely negative self-image, a belief that I'm less than others, and suicide ideation.

I attempted suicide at 12. When I got to high school, I put on an act to fit in so I wouldn't get bullied anymore. I loved college because it was an open, accepting, intellectual environment. Then I discovered, as you did, that life is more like high school.

I got into a career (law) that I hated to try and finally make my parents proud of me. It didn't work. I worked my ass off and dealt with backstabbing, duplicity, and politics at work, which made my mental condition worse.

I didn't really try and have long term relationships during this time. I was focusing on the career I hated. Then I married the first woman to show an interest in me. She was controlling, manipulative, critical, and utterly lacking in compassion. I did everything she wanted and it was never good enough. I got really depressed. She flipped out over it and demanded I go to a mental health facility, which I did. I came out of it feeling better, but then discovered she'd drained our accounts, kicked me out, and filed for divorce.

Now she's using my mental health and unhappy past to argue I'm an unfit father to my 16-month-old son. She's making the divorce vicious and expensive. Lawyers have cost me all my money. She will raise my son to hate me. She and her family are strict Southern Baptist, don't believe depression is real, and view me as an "ungodly" influence because, according to the Bible, if you're saved you're full of joy, no matter what. They see it as their religious duty to keep me from my son. I'm also her third divorce (hilariously), so she wants vengeance for that.

I just can't take it anymore. It's become more than I can handle. My pain has well exceeded my resources for dealing with it. I've just lost hope.

wow, thats bad, I've never wanted to find a person to marry and have my own family wiith her, I don't believe in love, the world is fucked up, people are fucked up. The divorce rate is higher than ever, so for thar reason I would never try to find someone

 

[nembutal]

total loss of hope, no recollection of positive moments.

 

[cryone]

your story is crushing. adulthood is just fucking terrible. for me...I don't know. I've never experienced extreme abuse, lack of money, or even a lack of love in general. I don't have such a justifiable "reason" for suicide that applies to many. I guess I'm just a failure of a human who can't enjoy anything. i hate how I've treated people and how I've wasted my life.

 

[kcatchesthebus]

I have been suicidal for most of my life, except for september 2016-august 2022. I grew up with an elderly sick parent and that weighed in me really heavily. I was bullied and had an insane amount of pressure and expectations put on me throughout my entire childhood. I developed a chronic illness when i was 17, my favourite person in the world was diagnosed with a horrific fatal illness. I started dating my best friend in 2016 and my life was finally happy…. Until he fell out of love with me and crushed my heart into a million pieces and robbed me of the only joy I've ever had. I can't carry on anymore

 

[Judah]

Long story short, I don't have close friends, I don't have a really nice future, my mental health is deteriorating, and thanks to autism I've had to endure a lot of things.

 

[fadedphotograph]

I can share how I got to this point the first time and the parallels in how I'm here yet again.

I first attempted suicide at around 14 years old. At the time, I'd come out to my Mom as and some friends at school because pretending I was straight to avoid rumors and bullying was overwhelming. My Mom didn't accept it, I lost my close friends, I was threatened with disownment by our congregation (Jehovahs Witness.) My Mom is everything to me. "Jehovah" was everything to me, and I was being told he was disgusted by me. I felt abandoned, so I attempted to hang myself. I failed and my Mom found me, accused me of attempting because I didn't want to do chores.

Mom and I are on good terms now, but all of that probably started my strong sense of self-hatred and disregard for the seriousness of my emotions.

To make things worse, I started seeing therapists soon afterward who turned out to be awful: the first one got angry that my Mom was struggling with paying for sessions and submitted a false report claiming my Mom physically abusing me in retaliation. The second therapist was attempting to groom me. The third constantly fell asleep near the start of our sessions. I'd stopped putting much trust into people and started expecting abandonment.

—

Fast forwarding to now: It's been four years since I moved from my home state on my own. For the first few weeks, I let old men sleep with me in exchange for a warm place to rest instead of freezing in my car. I would eventually be drugged and raped.
I've been diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc. Spent time with a drug dealer who said he loved me and gave me free meth as long as I let him fuck me whenever. I believed he really did love me, and meth (at least the first time) made me feel the happiest I'd ever been despite the fact it kept me up for days and resulted in extremely painful crashes. Almost died from it, got kicked out of my first apartment when my landlord found out. Started self harming again afterwards.

Entered my first relationship because I thought I'd found someone I can trust.
We lasted for two years until they started to neglect me and my mental health further declined, which ended up overwhelming them. I'd also started dissociating during sex and sometimes having anxiety attacks during and I always felt ashamed and embarrassed for it. Eventually, they broke up with me saying they really want to stay friends. And yet, I would stop hearing from them completely since last month.

I'm far away from the few family that still acknowledges I exist. Old friends dropped off. Constantly aching from my dead-end job. Suicide resources said they didn't accept my insurance, and I'll go broke and lose my home if I check myself into a hospital since there's no financial assistance even though I'd have to be away from work during. Home is not safe. Self-harm cuts are getting deeper and I feel ugly and worthless every time I look at my scars. Psych meds have never been helping, including the current one I'm on.

Similar to when I was 14, I feel abandoned, hopeless, and alone and I can't stand living with myself. I no longer enjoy making art and music. I can't imagine being in a better situation anymore. Only thing keeping me around is a faint image of all the things I wanted to create, but I have no drive to commit to them anymore. So I'm yet again seeking out ideas for suicide, with better success rates preferably.

Sorry for the long ass essay. Just got home from work full of pent up feelings and trying to do something other than self-harm again

 

[hi-okbye]

basically just intense trauma that spread throughout my entire childhood.
and my partner passing recently was my last straw.

 

[stage4johnny]

I can share how I got to this point the first time and the parallels in how I'm here yet again.

I first attempted suicide at around 14 years old. At the time, I'd come out to my Mom as and some friends at school because pretending I was straight to avoid rumors and bullying was overwhelming. My Mom didn't accept it, I lost my close friends, I was threatened with disownment by our congregation (Jehovahs Witness.) My Mom is everything to me. "Jehovah" was everything to me, and I was being told he was disgusted by me. I felt abandoned, so I attempted to hang myself. I failed and my Mom found me, accused me of attempting because I didn't want to do chores.

Mom and I are on good terms now, but all of that probably started my strong sense of self-hatred and disregard for the seriousness of my emotions.

To make things worse, I started seeing therapists soon afterward who turned out to be awful: the first one got angry that my Mom was struggling with paying for sessions and submitted a false report claiming my Mom physically abusing me in retaliation. The second therapist was attempting to groom me. The third constantly fell asleep near the start of our sessions. I'd stopped putting much trust into people and started expecting abandonment.

—

Fast forwarding to now: It's been four years since I moved from my home state on my own. For the first few weeks, I let old men sleep with me in exchange for a warm place to rest instead of freezing in my car. I would eventually be drugged and raped.
I've been diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc. Spent time with a drug dealer who said he loved me and gave me free meth as long as I let him fuck me whenever. I believed he really did love me, and meth (at least the first time) made me feel the happiest I'd ever been despite the fact it kept me up for days and resulted in extremely painful crashes. Almost died from it, got kicked out of my first apartment when my landlord found out. Started self harming again afterwards.

Entered my first relationship because I thought I'd found someone I can trust.
We lasted for two years until they started to neglect me and my mental health further declined, which ended up overwhelming them. I'd also started dissociating during sex and sometimes having anxiety attacks during and I always felt ashamed and embarrassed for it. Eventually, they broke up with me saying they really want to stay friends. And yet, I would stop hearing from them completely since last month.

I'm far away from the few family that still acknowledges I exist. Old friends dropped off. Constantly aching from my dead-end job. Suicide resources said they didn't accept my insurance, and I'll go broke and lose my home if I check myself into a hospital since there's no financial assistance even though I'd have to be away from work during. Home is not safe. Self-harm cuts are getting deeper and I feel ugly and worthless every time I look at my scars. Psych meds have never been helping, including the current one I'm on.

Similar to when I was 14, I feel abandoned, hopeless, and alone and I can't stand living with myself. I no longer enjoy making art and music. I can't imagine being in a better situation anymore. Only thing keeping me around is a faint image of all the things I wanted to create, but I have no drive to commit to them anymore. So I'm yet again seeking out ideas for suicide, with better success rates preferably.

Sorry for the long ass essay. Just got home from work full of pent up feelings and trying to do something other than self-harm again

Please don't do self harm. Find other ways to steady yoirsef. Foof,drink,drugs whateva!

 

[ropearoundatree]

Besides the moment of conception. . .
Probably--it didn't help that, although I was reasonably popular in high school: in the middle somewhere; summer jobs in back to back years of ages 15 & 16. I was stuck working as a janitor at the school. None of my friends from my grade were there. I was mercifully & relentlessly bullied, for probably the first & only real time in my life. But it was on, verbally, as in mocking me for the entire duration of the lunch hour. For 5 days per week. 3 months per year. And then back again, the next. . . That had to have affected me, even though I know I pushed it deep down inside & repressed it for quite some time. In doing so, it will manifest itself in other ways, subconsciously & then more front & center as it begins to rear its ugly head again later on in life more full force. But during those sessions, it was literally like a comedic roast, except that there was no good heartedness behind any of the teasing, or jousts/digs. And it was like one of them, lined up, after the other, just delivering punch-line, after punch-line (you know pause for comedic applause...) & so on & so on right on down the line. With each of them trying to one up the next. Most of them were upper classman (& ironically, not all that popular). Some were below me, but bigger & stronger - athletes, etc. What was even worse, is that in a couple of the cases, I knew their older brothers and had either no issues w/them whatsoever, or were pretty good friends with them. But I don't know whether it was a group-think type situation settling in or what. That caused a lot of trauma that I've hardly discussed w/anyone to this day. And who knows, I may still be suffering the after effects of~ even after all these years. I just didn't know how to defend my self against 7-8 other guys. All of whom were much, much bigger & stronger than me. So it's not like I could have just used physical violence as an option to stand up to them. And like I said, I had a lot of friends in my own class or grade, but never really had to do much defending from bullying so this was new and I'd dare say were the situation to somehow present itself again, that I'd be anymore prepared to deal with it. In fact, you could almost argue that I'd be worse off. Anyway!

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I was raped and molested throughout my childhood by my grandfather. From the time I could remember until I was 13. The first time I remember, he left me covered in blood and oil. Laying half on a couch in the living room. He had choked me to unconsciousness. When I woke up I cleaned myself, the carpet and couch as best I could because I was terrified that I would be blamed and punished for it. I cleaned up after my rape.

My father was an abusive alcoholic and a psychopath. He once came into my bedroom while I was sleeping, grabbed a hand full of my hair as he straddled me and pushed his fist down into the mattress. It felt like my hair was going to be ripped out. He put a knife to my throat and told me that if I told anyone else about what went on in our house he would cut me into little fucking pieces and no one would ever see me again. I was 10.

My uncles regularly threatened me as well. I was the black sheep of the family. I took all the blame while trying to regulate my parents emotions and raising my brother and sister. I tried so hard to protect them. I will never get the sound of their tiny little cries and pleas out of my fucking head.

My mother was a control freak. I once threatened to call Children's Aid and she told me that was good because it would be me and my siblings they would take.

I was bullied in school to the point where the other kids would ambush me and beat me up.

I wasn't safe anywhere. When I was 16 my father had me admitted to a group home. I was threatened within the first week I was there with rape. I fucking snapped. I waited for him to take a shower and got him in the bathroom. I pulled his feet out from under him and stomped him in the face so hard I could feel his head impact the tile floor. That began a half decade characterized by violence and drugs. I thought I was a psychopath because I only had 2 modes, angry, and you're dead. I felt nothing else.

When I was 22 I had a blood clot incident. I had 6 large clots between both lungs and a bunch of other little clots throughout. Doctor said it was like winning the lottery that I survived at all. I disagreed then and I disagree now. I have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Most of the drugs I was doing, I couldn't anymore, couldn't drink, couldn't play violent sports, couldn't fight or I would die. Everything that was part of my core identity were taken forever.

I am diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. There would be a few other initials if I had been entirely honest with the psychiatrist. When I close my eyes at night, I get another chance to relive my wonderful existence in excruciating detail. I wake up feeling like I'm being choked and I can't move. I see shadow people in doorways at night. I bounce between hyper and hyposexuality. I don't trust anyone but a handful of people.

The first time I tried to kill myself I was 8. I stabbed myself in the chest.

The second time I was 10. I tried to OD on whatever pills I could find in house.

The third time I was 13. Another knife to the chest.

4th time I was 22 by partial hanging. This one would have been the one but, my mom came home early and found me.

And the 5th time I was 35 and I was nibbling the muzzle of a 12 Guage shotgun. Couldn't do it. Couldn't convince myself that my niece and nephews wouldn't follow me. My whole family has mental health issues and whether I like it or not, I am the example.

This is a general overview of the major points of my history. There is so much more. I don't want to be here. People keep betraying me. People keep hurting me. This world, the people in it, and me, are all complete garbage. If I could back in time, I would kill all of us before we had a chance to multiply into this disgusting species that cannot do anything but, fuck and fight.

 

[sanlcx]

Let's imagine life as a multiple choice game (i mean it is right?), where someone is purposely choosing the worst possible choices to get a very bad ending.
That's what i did with my life, except it wasn't on purpose at all (not to mention that life itself is pretty shit anyways imo)

 

[annique]

I`ve been suicidal since about the age of 11. I had a childhood filled with traumas of all sorts. I witnessed my parents fighting a lot, both verbally and physically. I endured a lot of hunger and lack of basic needs. All I would do was distract myself playing with broken and worn-off toys with my sister while our parents weren`t home.

Later in my childhood, my grandmother took me and my sister away from my parents since she knew what we were going through. Those teen years I stayed with my grandmother (also with my "grandfather" and my aunt) were way better than my childhood, but my "grandfather" would mistreat me and my sister because we were not really his biological grandchildren. It got a bit better later in my teens. (I'm also leaving out some details, but in summary, I was also kicked out of their house later)

Then, I came back to living with my mother once I became an adult. I managed to get into a really prestigious university. I did really well right before the covid pandemics, then my academic performance went to shit and so went I as a whole. Then, I unofficially quit uni (I haven't dropped out yet, but I haven't been to any classes since the start of this semester). My mental health is really at rock bottom if not even lower. I am currently trying to land any job I can, but my social anxiety is getting in the way when I do jobs interviews. I got a really good opportunity this next monday. I'll try my best at it. It might actually decide my fate from now onwards. If I can't land a job, I'll starve to death next year. That'd be just way too much on top of my already shattered mental capabilities.

PS: also I'm really lonely, really REALLY lonely, and that is taking a toll on me beyond what I expected

 

[Chickenman123]

Long time lurker I was born with certain conditions: poor family, poor health conditions, an other stuff that stunted my growth, Lead to bullying in my younger years sort of like a butterfly effect/chain reaction in both mental and physical health in the longer scope. Made be try to take my life multiple times over the years constant in and out of the hospital. Fast forward to adult life: No friends, No money, no health, no nothing, the only thing left is going to my retail job then going home to my poor farming family who can barely make ends meet. Somedays I have glimmers of hope like maybe one day ill have a friend or one day ill make it out of poverty or something in my life will turn around but those days of hope turn out to be fleeting compared to the problems I face. What I learned about is if you don't meet the status quo of the world you will be treated as such. Born with certain things that stunt your growth you will be treated by your peers as such, Have certain health problems both mental and physical but have no money= good luck. I learned that life is tough and not everyone can make it due to events or shortcomings in life. The scary thing is many have it worse off than me in this world and the game of life can come down to the hand you're dealt with. Even if I try my best I know one day down the line ill end it all but I just can't right now it would devastate my poor farming family so as of now I'm just in a death spiral.

 

[EternalShore]

I might make another response later actually answering the question, but in summary: it's because I was born as the wrong gender and all my friends left me :/

I have not had what to complain about my life since I was a child, my family has always been very affectionate with me and well financially. School time was normal, as I said in the past thread I never had much problem with bullying, abuse, or trauma. I started to develop depression and anxiety during my first contact with adulthood, in my 20s it was my first job I started there at the age of 18. I was a waiter in a restaurant located in a noble neighborhood of the city, we received famous people and politicians there. As any job was very stressful there and my boss was a very difficult person to deal with, constantly I was threatened with dismissal and did work that was not my job, normal stress of a sub job, it was also in this job that I realized that adults are not very different from high school teenager, I expected more maturity but people were miserable and fake, people screwing up coworkers to be promoted, pretending to be your friend to talk shit behind your back and so on. Then the pandemic, covid 19 and things just got worse, I quit this job because I didn't feel safe working there because of the pandemic but actually I just hated my job. After that my life only got worse, drugs for anxiety and depression were already a common thing in my life, my body had an allergic skin reaction due to my anxiety.

When the pandemic ended I started working as an English teacher at a language school in my country, it was already a better job compared to the first, better salary and benefits. Regarding people in the workplace, I was already used to the falsehood and malice of co-workers, so this was no longer news to me but even so it affected my anxiety and now in addition to dealing with co-workers and my boss, I also had to deal with kids and teenagers, my students, and like any school, always have those students who give more work and are more difficult, of course stress was guaranteed, so I worked for a few years in some schools and had to get used not only to common stress from work but also my anxiety, I did treatments with antidepressants, practiced sports, gym and even meditation to have a better quality of life and keep my mood and anxiety regulated. Everything was going well I had a well disciplined routine, worked, studied and took good care of my body and mind but even so it was not enough, I began to feel unable to do anything in my life and lose my confidence in myself, any mistake or failure I made was enough to give up everything, I lived constantly judging myself, created a negative narrative against me in my mind, began to justify my mistakes, my failures with attention deficit disorder, because since my adolescence I heard from my parents, friends that I was very inattentive, they made jokes with my way of being. Gradually I found myself surrounded by problems, depression anxiety, ADHD supposedly. So finally in the middle of this year I started the treatment with a psychologist to investigate these problems that I had but gradually I lost all hope that I had to continue living, I do not feel able to bear it until the end, I can't even see myself as an old man in the future.

I gave up living because it makes no sense, all this suffering for what reason, the main reason I hate my life is people, it's a world of pretending, full of judgements, nobody really cares about you. I don't want to have my own family, bringing my children into this world is asking them to suffer. I can't see the future for me here on this earth, I don't want to be a part of it anymore, I don't fit in, I'm too authentic to be a part of it,

Anyways, I read your response and wanted to respond to it! ^_^ It's really awful to hear about how all those people do those things to you! :((( It's very unfortunate, but it's like humans get this thing where they're poisoned and corrupted by the world to be as backstabbing, evil, and selfish as humans can be~ :( There are no trustworthy humans, and they demand you pretend in front of them only for them to end up betraying both yourself and them in the end! :( You are right~ No one cares about others~ They're only looking out for themselves. Even when one needs a genuine response to help them like actually operate in society, they'll always lie~
Also, in regards to judging, from what I've noticed with most people, since they only care about themselves, they won't really judge or think about you unless they deem you a loser (probably one of the worst fates, since it's an endless cycle downwards) or disagree with them. :/
Anyways, I'm so sorry your life had to be life had to be like this, and you had to experience the cruelty of people! :( It's just how humans behave~ Evil :( Also, I'm not really a therapist but why do you care so much about any mistake or failure you make? :( Unless it directly harms your goals, those are called acceptable losses~

 

[ropearoundatree]

I`ve been suicidal since about the age of 11. I had a childhood filled with traumas of all sorts. I witnessed my parents fighting a lot, both verbally and physically. I endured a lot of hunger and lack of basic needs. All I would do was distract myself playing with broken and worn-off toys with my sister while our parents weren`t home.

Later in my childhood, my grandmother took me and my sister away from my parents since she knew what we were going through. Those teen years I stayed with my grandmother (also with my "grandfather" and my aunt) were way better than my childhood, but my "grandfather" would mistreat me and my sister because we were not really his biological grandchildren. It got a bit better later in my teens. (I'm also leaving out some details, but in summary, I was also kicked out of their house later)

Then, I came back to living with my mother once I became an adult. I managed to get into a really prestigious university. I did really well right before the covid pandemics, then my academic performance went to shit and so went I as a whole. Then, I unofficially quit uni (I haven't dropped out yet, but I haven't been to any classes since the start of this semester). My mental health is really at rock bottom if not even lower. I am currently trying to land any job I can, but my social anxiety is getting in the way when I do jobs interviews. I got a really good opportunity this next monday. I'll try my best at it. It might actually decide my fate from now onwards. If I can't land a job, I'll starve to death next year. That'd be just way too much on top of my already shattered mental capabilities.

PS: also I'm really lonely, really REALLY lonely, and that is taking a toll on me beyond what I expected

Good luck!!! :)

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't understand my root causes very well and, whenever I think that something is a root cause, I consider how I would be like if that root cause isn't there and I always conclude that I'd still be suicidal. So a few reasons for why I think I'm suicidal (though there may be other reasons I'm unaware of) is that I never made any irl friends or acquaintances, I don't really have any interests which I can enjoy, I realised how shitty life is at a young age and me dying as early as possible means that the total amount of time for how much I suffer decreases.. I can prevent future suffering if I die now

 

[melancholia_melodia]

I started thinking about dying at thirteen. Loneliness and psychological problems reached their peak there in my life and I became even more depressed.

 

[Tower]

i'm borderline, so my amygdala has been dysfunctional since day one. in my early childhood i wasn't depressed, but i was very emotionally volatile, and i would bounce around moods chaotically and intensely. so when i did get sad, or lonely, it was a crisis for me. but the real damage happened following a series of complex traumas i sustained during later childhood starting around age 7. the story is honestly so long and complicated, i won't attempt a full disclosure, but the bulk of it occurred at a really fucked up "experimental" school where there was a lot of violence—i witnessed full blown sexual assaults, deranged animal abuse, teachers and staff strangling/hitting/whipping kids, kids attacking adults, kids attacking other kids, i personally was subjected to lots of violence including group stoning, beat the living shit out of lots of kids just to defend myself, blah blah; the other half of my trauma came through my home life, which was destroyed by my parent's involvement in an insane religious cult, with all the predictable problems, which is also why we had to live in israel, in the wake of the first intifada, when suicide bombs and all this stuff was going on, which impacted me deeply. these experiences would have fucked up pretty much any kid i guess, but as a young borderline or borderline-predisposed person, it absolutely scrambled me. as a kid you just move through these experiences as best you can, but i was already experiencing levels of despair that most people don't know until adulthood, if they ever know them. certainly by the time i was 9 or 10, parts of me were fractured, and i found myself trapped more and more in "the vortex," which is what i call the emptiness in my chest. my parents were in denial about the various tragedies involving me, so nothing was ever done.

now i'm about to exit my 30s, and i've been through so much, and understood so much about myself and my history, and tried to heal as best i can, but fundamentally i'm still that same broken kid struggling to survive back in 199-fucking-3. it never got easier, it only gets harder, and the traumata just keep on raining. i had a relationship of 13 years collapse around 2017 because, after a decade+ of pressing my issues down into the unconscious and pretending to be some other healthy version of myself, when i finally started to process my shit and discover a bit about who i actually am, my partner bailed. moved to new york city to reinvent myself, covid hit, and man i was in the fucking thick of it. i had kidney stones and the OR's were all closed so they couldn't do surgery. it's another long story but they botched a surgery, tried to deny me treatment, left me with permanent problems in my bladder because the stupid fucking double J stent was left in for MONTHS and became encrusted, meaning it literally grew spikes which mutilated the inside of my bladder anytime i would breath or move lol, i was on opioids just to deal with the pain, and btw—in NYC things were absolutely fucked, i saw the bodies being loaded into the trucks at wyckoff hospital (ground zero for covid in nyc), was here during the protests or what the city hilariously calls "riots" in which police officers were beating the shit out of doctors and also just random poor black people in my neighborhood, literal flash grenades, barking dogs, helicopters raging outside my apartment while i wasted away on percocet bleeding out my catheter into a bag on my leg, completely incapacitated, i mean it was horrifying and also just such a clear sign of things to come, i watched my collective nearly collapse and collapse in such a predictable way, the poor and destitute were the first to be sacrificed / slaughtered. sorry for the huge freeform rant here, it's just a million things that brought me to the point of realizing life isn't worth it.

coming out of the pandemic i tried to start a relationship with someone but they became involved with an abusive narcissist and betrayed me in such a complex and cruel way, i don't really wanna get into the story, but it was like the last straw for me. there is no love in the world, only manipulation and violence.

whenever i'm alone, the emptiness comes, and I feel it physically, a real actual pain in my body. i think it's where my soul is supposed to be, except that it got shattered when i was a kid, when it was just growing, and then blown up all over again at key moments in my adult development, and pieces of it are stuck now, frozen in time. i feel him calling to me often, i mean i think he's terrified, my inner child, because he knows how close i often come to killing us both. it's so sad man, that little kid is still alive in me, suffering, thrashing, half covered in the ice of the past and half on fire, screaming in hell forever on loop loop loop. It's been three decades of this bullshit, so I have no hope for the future. It's a mercy killing, I can't take the pain and I can't watch him take the pain either.

 

[killmepleasefast]

when i lost everything in life !!! my dream was destroy by own self beacuse i was reckless

 

[EyeBeyond]

I might make another response later actually answering the question, but in summary: it's because I was born as the wrong gender and all my friends left me :/



Anyways, I read your response and wanted to respond to it! ^_^ It's really awful to hear about how all those people do those things to you! :((( It's very unfortunate, but it's like humans get this thing where they're poisoned and corrupted by the world to be as backstabbing, evil, and selfish as humans can be~ :( There are no trustworthy humans, and they demand you pretend in front of them only for them to end up betraying both yourself and them in the end! :( You are right~ No one cares about others~ They're only looking out for themselves. Even when one needs a genuine response to help them like actually operate in society, they'll always lie~
Also, in regards to judging, from what I've noticed with most people, since they only care about themselves, they won't really judge or think about you unless they deem you a loser (probably one of the worst fates, since it's an endless cycle downwards) or disagree with them. :/
Anyways, I'm so sorry your life had to be life had to be like this, and you had to experience the cruelty of people! :( It's just how humans behave~ Evil :( Also, I'm not really a therapist but why do you care so much about any mistake or failure you make? :( Unless it directly harms your goals, those are called acceptable losses~

Thanks for your words, it means a lot. I don't care too much about my mistakes now because im depressed and suicidal, I used to care more when I was ok and reaching my goals, the reason why is bc I unfortunately cared about what people think of me, of being a failure and uncapable of doing something, thats a nightmare because you let people's judgement affect your life so bad, and I also used to judge myself a lot, if I did something wrong I would keep telling me how weak i am