Depression vs Logic

[BipolarGuy]

I'm writing this while feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.
I am emotionally drained, and feel like a burden (as cliche as that sounds).

But I am concerned that I'm not thinking rationally.

I have been served notice to get out of my accommodation simply because the landlord knows I'm severely depressed and doesn't want me committing suicide in the house.
The notice for the deadline has passed.
However, he has allowed me to stay, citing that I'm not a bad tenant and he "wouldn't want to literally see me homeless".

I had to stop working on my own business due to depression, and I'm out of work. Consequently my financial situation isn't good.
However, it isn't any worse than it was 6 months ago.

I keep complaining that I'm not getting any professional help, and yes NHS mental health services are very poor.
However, I wasn't getting any help 6 months ago either other than being put on medication.

I'm questioning my desire to end my life, as is a healthy thing to do.
I am certainly fed up of the ongoing situation, of that there is absolutely no question.
I am also fed up of being lifted up and then suddenly dropped. The absurdity of some of the things that have happened has probably compounded this feeling.
But am I thinking rationally?

I'm in the same place as I was 6 months ago, so why is my head telling me that things are getting worse?
Do I feel that they're getting worse because they're not getting better?

Tired and depressed ramblings.

 

[rt1989526]

I'm sorry to hear about your living situation. How did your landlord find out you are severely depressed?? Could you tell him you're getting help and remain a tenant?

One of the reasons I will ctb is because I won't be able to take care of myself much longer as a result of mental illness, it is a shame there's nowhere for people like us to go.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I'm sorry to hear about your living situation. How did your landlord find out you are severely depressed?? Could you tell him you're getting help and remain a tenant?

One of the reasons I will ctb is because I won't be able to take care of myself much longer as a result of mental illness, it is a shame there's nowhere for people like us to go.

He found out because I tried to kill myself in March 2019.

But earlier this year I was looking for a gun online and the police found out and visited.
I wasn't in trouble, they turned up to check that I hadn't killed myself basically.

It was at this point that my landlord probably thought that the previous year wasn't a one off.
He says he doesn't want to be "close" to it if I do anything, but on the other hand he knows I'm a good tenant.

Come to think of it, if I take this job with the helicopter guy then perhaps I can make contact with the gun guy.
Worth a shot, as they say!

I know for sure I'm not thinking straight.
I can feel it.
I'm tired, completely emotionally drained, and just empty.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Depression totally prevents me from thinking rationally. Plus, I think I'm BPD, so rational thinking is pretty much out the window for me. I seem smart, my friends think I'm smart, I think I'm pretty smart... but I can't make a rational decision to save my life. I'm ruled by my emotions, always have been. I'm 48 and still doing rash, impulsive, stupid shit and wrecking my life.
So I know where you're coming from.
You seem more rational than me, if it's any consolation.

 

[Astronomer]

I am also physically and emotionally exhausted today BG,

I guess i'm just tired of being alone,

I hope the housing situation works out for you, also i really do hope you do get some 'good luck' in 'life' because it's been a long road for you and you deserve some happiness.

 

[Ghost2211]

Does your landlord have the legal right to remove you based on depression? It's nice they haven't yet regardless...

I'll say it because you asked, but I'm sure I'm likely to get shit for this from some people. I've seen a lot of indecisiveness about suicide with you, and to be honest the prospect of a job made you legit happier and more hopeful. If a job is the major determining factor that is a potentially fixable problem. In the end though only you can know if life is worth the ups and downs, and struggles. It takes a lot to get out of a hole and only you can know if you can or want to. "Help" only helps if we really want it to, and that's easier said than done.

I let logic govern me because depression is a little bitch that would told me to stop trying a year ago, and still tells me every day.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I think someone can be depressed, yet think rationally too.

However, I am getting the sense that the stagnation and inertia you are experiencing is compounding feelings of hopelessness and depression.
This can give you the subjective impression that things are getting worse when they're in fact not.

Given that you yourself describe concerns that you're 'not thinking rationally', 'not thinking straight', you're 'tired', 'emotionally drained' etc, I would suggest that a decision as momentous as ctb should at least be postponed a bit.
You don't give me the impression of being a completely lost cause. There is a possibility things can improve for you, that your quality of life can get better.
What do you have to lose if you take this job with the helicopter guy, even if it's only for a few months?
Ctb is not an option that will ever go away, it's an open ticket.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, and it's your life and only you can know what's right for you in the end and what you're willing to put up with.
I'm just giving my opinion based on what you've written.

If you were saying things like 'I am 100% committed to this', 'I've made my peace with it and nothing is going to change my mind', 'I absolutely know this is the right thing for me' etc, then I would respect that and not say anything to contradict it, but only wish you the best.

 

[Lilacmoon]

Make sure you're absolutely certain before doing anything. Don't leave room for doubt, okay? Unless you know for sure, some part of you might mess it up and you'll be in an even worse spot. I just want you to know for sure before doing anything permanent. Don't let there be any doubt.

I believe I think relatively rationally with my depression. Of course, that's my biased thinking, so who really knows how it is?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I have been served notice to get out of my accommodation simply because the landlord knows I'm severely depressed and doesn't want me committing suicide in the house.

Is this even legal? I would consult the lease agreement to see if there's anything in there regarding this. Even if there is something in the lease about it, I can't imagine it would hold up in court. The landlord wouldn't even have a right to know your medical condition. I'm applying US law here, but I expect the UK would have something similar.

Anyway, as to your question, I like to think that I make very rational decisions everyday despite my depression. Nonetheless, I know that I have made several catastrophic decisions over the past three years. I don't know if to attribute those to depression, medication, or maybe just pure stupidity. The point is, sometimes our decisions work out and sometimes they don't. The best we can do is try to control the things that we know likely contribute to more successful outcomes. There's no guarantee it will be the right decision in any case. Control what you can control, and what you can't — forget about it.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Brother. You admitted that you are not thinking straight. I recommend that you take the steps necessary to get yourself centered so that you can make the best decision possible for yourself.

As a fellow person affected with bipolar disorder, I completely empathize with you and your thoughts of perhaps not thinking clearly. This a daily battle for me and utilizing mindfulness techniques and meditation strategies along with medications has proven to be the most effective strategy for myself. And, fyi, I've tried just about every f**king strategy for myself including endless non medication options.

In chat, I listed specific ideas that I recommend for you to pursue, including how I advise you to approach NHS. If you want to discuss those ideas out here on the forum, please do so.

Hang in as best you can. Clear your mind. Get yourself balanced and at baseline and make your best decision!

Peace.

 

[HadEnough1974]

I'm writing this while feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.
I am emotionally drained, and feel like a burden (as cliche as that sounds).

But I am concerned that I'm not thinking rationally.

I have been served notice to get out of my accommodation simply because the landlord knows I'm severely depressed and doesn't want me committing suicide in the house.
The notice for the deadline has passed.
However, he has allowed me to stay, citing that I'm not a bad tenant and he "wouldn't want to literally see me homeless".

I had to stop working on my own business due to depression, and I'm out of work. Consequently my financial situation isn't good.
However, it isn't any worse than it was 6 months ago.

I keep complaining that I'm not getting any professional help, and yes NHS mental health services are very poor.
However, I wasn't getting any help 6 months ago either other than being put on medication.

I'm questioning my desire to end my life, as is a healthy thing to do.
I am certainly fed up of the ongoing situation, of that there is absolutely no question.
I am also fed up of being lifted up and then suddenly dropped. The absurdity of some of the things that have happened has probably compounded this feeling.
But am I thinking rationally?

I'm in the same place as I was 6 months ago, so why is my head telling me that things are getting worse?
Do I feel that they're getting worse because they're not getting better?

Tired and depressed ramblings.

What I'm hearing is part of you still wants to live and another part of you wants to quit, you're too tired to fight and get "better". I can relate. I'm also very tired, emotionally and physically.

Brother. You admitted that you are not thinking straight. I recommend that you take the steps necessary to get yourself centered so that you can make the best decision possible for yourself.

As a fellow person affected with bipolar disorder, I completely empathize with you and your thoughts of perhaps not thinking clearly. This a daily battle for me and utilizing mindfulness techniques and meditation strategies along with medications has proven to be the most effective strategy for myself. And, fyi, I've tried just about every f**king strategy for myself including endless non medication options.

In chat, I listed specific ideas that I recommend for you to pursue, including how I advise you to approach NHS. If you want to discuss those ideas out here on the forum, please do so.

Hang in as best you can. Clear your mind. Get yourself balanced and at baseline and make your best decision!

Peace.

You just got some great advice from @Chupacabra 44 please consider what they are telling you.

 

[checkouttime]

If you weren't thinking rationally, surely you wouldn't know you weren't????

you can't be thinking that irrational if you have just been offered a job by someone who owns their own company, i'm pretty sure people can't get through interviews being irrational!!

like rosey said. it seemed to make a massive difference to you getting offered the job etc, unfortunately its not that easy for everyone........if only!! i think people on here noticed how much it made a difference to you. if i was you, i'd take the job and run. get your arse far away from here lol.

Is this even legal? I would consult the lease agreement to see if there's anything in there regarding this. Even if there is something in the lease about it, I can't imagine it would hold up in court. The landlord wouldn't even have a right to know your medical condition. I'm applying US law here, but I expect the UK would have something similar.

Anyway, as to your question, I like to think that I make very rational decisions everyday despite my depression. Nonetheless, I know that I have made several catastrophic decisions over the past three years. I don't know if to attribute those to depression, medication, or maybe just pure stupidity. The point is, sometimes our decisions work out and sometimes they don't. The best we can do is try to control the things that we know likely contribute to more successful outcomes. There's no guarantee it will be the right decision in any case. Control what you can control, and what you can't — forget about it.

no it isn't legal. you can't be thrown out of a house just because someone ' thinks' you might do something. i used to work for a landlord with 100's of houses.

it is near impossible to even throw someone out if they don't pay the rent. even more so if a person has children. the law is totally on the tennants side, the guy used to always tell me. 1 tennant hadn't paid rent for over a year and the judges still wouldn't throw them out. its a massive problem for landlords in general if they get bad tennants, it takes months and alot of money and you still aren't guarenteed even if they aren't paying rent. and this is just what he 'might' do, not possible.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Having second thoughts? Does that mean I am not getting that beautiful glass chess set?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Depression totally prevents me from thinking rationally. Plus, I think I'm BPD, so rational thinking is pretty much out the window for me. I seem smart, my friends think I'm smart, I think I'm pretty smart... but I can't make a rational decision to save my life. I'm ruled by my emotions, always have been. I'm 48 and still doing rash, impulsive, stupid shit and wrecking my life.
So I know where you're coming from.
You seem more rational than me, if it's any consolation.

I can relate. I am 34 and I keep hoping that things will change as I grow older, but it seems they never will, and that I'll always be at the mercy of my emotions, which are very extreme and intense.

 

[TheQ22]

How are you doing BipolarGuy? Feeling any better today?

 

[BipolarGuy]

Having second thoughts? Does that mean I am not getting that beautiful glass chess set?

You can have whatever you want from me

Including my pawn collection.


I can't believe how romantic I am. Effortless...

I can relate. I am 34 and I keep hoping that things will change as I grow older, but it seems they never will, and that I'll always be at the mercy of my emotions, which are very extreme and intense.

Things will change for you, I'm really hoping so because you're a good person.

Does your landlord have the legal right to remove you based on depression? It's nice they haven't yet regardless...

I'll say it because you asked, but I'm sure I'm likely to get shit for this from some people. I've seen a lot of indecisiveness about suicide with you, and to be honest the prospect of a job made you legit happier and more hopeful. If a job is the major determining factor that is a potentially fixable problem. In the end though only you can know if life is worth the ups and downs, and struggles. It takes a lot to get out of a hole and only you can know if you can or want to. "Help" only helps if we really want it to, and that's easier said than done.

I let logic govern me because depression is a little bitch that would told me to stop trying a year ago, and still tells me every day.

@RoseyBird - tagging you because I'm not sure if you'll get a notification from the quote above.

The landlord has served me with a Section 21 notice.
Housing law in the UK is a bit behind the times. He doesn't need a section 21 notice to evict anybody, so he can do it as he pleases.
There are in theory some protections in place if mental health is involved, but in reality protection isn't very strong.

Your second paragraph is partly true.
I'm not indecisive, rather things keep popping up that makes me think things may turn around or that something good may happen after all.
You've seen with the job offer from helicopter guy that the timing of these things is sometimes more than a little 'crazy'.
Yes the prospect of a job did make me legitimately happier, you're 100% correct. Essentially every practical thing in my life (other than an internal feeling of being depressed) comes down to money (housing, etc). So the prospect of a good job did really breathe some fresh life in to me.

I've never shared this story, and I won't go into the details, but years ago I was actually seeing a consultant psychiatrist. He's still around.
He is an awesome guy in part because he comes at it from a completely different angle. He didn't go through medical school and just start working for the NHS.
In his country (not my country) conscription is mandatory. He joined a branch of his country's military, and was later selected to join an intelligence service in his country (he told me this in confidence).
After he left the intelligence service, he continued his psychiatric studies, which presumably he was doing while in the military and intelligence, I'm not sure.
He worked for the health service in his country as a consultant while also working as a lecturer in the department of psychiatry at a university in his country.
He was also involved in a few business ventures, so has direct experience of managing people in the real world too, other than his military and intelligence experience. He is very good at managing subtle office politics and real world people situations. He is the sharpest person I've ever met and am ever likely to meet.
He is now an NHS consultant psychiatrist, in charge of a large psychiatric ward/department.
He does things differently and has a different perspective, and is considered a bit of a maverick in the local psychiatric services.

He once told me this story about how he was sat in a meeting with several colleagues, including executives.
Before the meeting, a document had been distributed concerning the future of services, given financial cuts.
Long story short, he made an alternative suggestion rather than just agreeing with the Chief Operating Officer's (COO) proposal. The COO then made a direct but slightly veiled remark to him in front of everybody.
He responded by saying something like "I was able to come up with my proposal because I don't have coffee on my mind" - a thinly veiled jab at the priorities of executive leaders.

Anyway, he is very religious, and is one of the directors of his church.

As an aside, maybe he'll ask me to do the accounts at his church one day...................................................

Back to the story....he once sat me down and told me that life has a way of preparing you and molding you for your purpose, and that this may not be a comfortable experience but, he said, the flower is the most beautiful part of the plant but the plant has to grow before it can show its flower to the world.

It sounded very cheesy and bit wit fluffy to be honest, but he also went on to say that the unusual situations that seem to be drawn to me might have been presented to me because I'm the right person to deal with them: confident, head strong, see things differently and see things that others might not, etc.

I know.....it sounds a bit fluffy.
I'm just telling you what he told me, and I fully appreciate that I have completed got off the point of your post.

And yes....before anyone says....I know that my life is totally messed up.
You have read the stories over only the past 2 weeks: extra SN sent to me for free, job offer on Saturday morning, broken helicopters and gun smuggling.
Perhaps it's only me that goes to see a psychiatrist only to find out that they're a former 'intelligence officer'.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I think someone can be depressed, yet think rationally too.

However, I am getting the sense that the stagnation and inertia you are experiencing is compounding feelings of hopelessness and depression.
This can give you the subjective impression that things are getting worse when they're in fact not.

Given that you yourself describe concerns that you're 'not thinking rationally', 'not thinking straight', you're 'tired', 'emotionally drained' etc, I would suggest that a decision as momentous as ctb should at least be postponed a bit.
You don't give me the impression of being a completely lost cause. There is a possibility things can improve for you, that your quality of life can get better.
What do you have to lose if you take this job with the helicopter guy, even if it's only for a few months?
Ctb is not an option that will ever go away, it's an open ticket.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, and it's your life and only you can know what's right for you in the end and what you're willing to put up with.
I'm just giving my opinion based on what you've written.

If you were saying things like 'I am 100% committed to this', 'I've made my peace with it and nothing is going to change my mind', 'I absolutely know this is the right thing for me' etc, then I would respect that and not say anything to contradict it, but only wish you the best.

@worried_to_death

You are correct.
I think it is possible that what's actually happening to me is that the fact that Idon't perceive things to be getting better (the stagnation, as you say) may be giving me the subjective impression that things are not getting better, when in fact they're not getting worse.

I'm not saying that it's invalid to feel worse because things aren't improving. Of course that's perfectly valid.
But I think I'm feeling worse because things aren't getting better, rather than feeling worse because things are actually getting worse.

The situation I'm in at the moment is ongoing and very difficult to work through. It certainly isn't easy. And in actual fact I'm not saying that it's invalid to "ctb" (I hate that phrase) because of it.
But I do think I need to think rationally and at least see if I can come up with a plan - though admittedly I'm not sure I have the mental energy or resilience that I used to have and frankly could quite easily bring things to an end tomorrow night.

And by the way - how long have you been working as an NHS spy?

Brother. You admitted that you are not thinking straight. I recommend that you take the steps necessary to get yourself centered so that you can make the best decision possible for yourself.

As a fellow person affected with bipolar disorder, I completely empathize with you and your thoughts of perhaps not thinking clearly. This a daily battle for me and utilizing mindfulness techniques and meditation strategies along with medications has proven to be the most effective strategy for myself. And, fyi, I've tried just about every f**king strategy for myself including endless non medication options.

In chat, I listed specific ideas that I recommend for you to pursue, including how I advise you to approach NHS. If you want to discuss those ideas out here on the forum, please do so.

Hang in as best you can. Clear your mind. Get yourself balanced and at baseline and make your best decision!

Peace.

@Chupacabra 44

Hey mate,

Apologies that my response to your PM's have been quite brief lately. The last few days have been particularly crazy and I've been engaged in several conversations.
I will have another look back through our PM's and send a better response :)

 

[BipolarGuy]

If you weren't thinking rationally, surely you wouldn't know you weren't????

you can't be thinking that irrational if you have just been offered a job by someone who owns their own company, i'm pretty sure people can't get through interviews being irrational!!

like rosey said. it seemed to make a massive difference to you getting offered the job etc, unfortunately its not that easy for everyone........if only!! i think people on here noticed how much it made a difference to you. if i was you, i'd take the job and run. get your arse far away from here lol.


no it isn't legal. you can't be thrown out of a house just because someone ' thinks' you might do something. i used to work for a landlord with 100's of houses.

it is near impossible to even throw someone out if they don't pay the rent. even more so if a person has children. the law is totally on the tennants side, the guy used to always tell me. 1 tennant hadn't paid rent for over a year and the judges still wouldn't throw them out. its a massive problem for landlords in general if they get bad tennants, it takes months and alot of money and you still aren't guarenteed even if they aren't paying rent. and this is just what he 'might' do, not possible.

Oh you'd be surprised!
Do you think the decisions governments or local council make are all based on rationality or logic....?

I am tempted to try to work my way through it, but quite honestly I'm unsure if I have the required energy reserves.
I'm going to have a think today. A serious think.

Regarding my housing situation, in the UK a landlord can serve you with a Section 21 notice and for this he does not need a 'valid reason'.
There are some protections in place in theory in certain circumstances, but in reality sadly these don't amount to much.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Oh you'd be surprised!
Do you think the decisions governments or local council make are all based on rationality or logic....?

I am tempted to try to work my way through it, but quite honestly I'm unsure if I have the required energy reserves.
I'm going to have a think today. A serious think.

Regarding my housing situation, in the UK a landlord can serve you with a Section 21 notice and for this he does not need a 'valid reason'.
There are some protections in place in theory in certain circumstances, but in reality sadly these don't amount to much.

But, BG you are a fighter. I mean this as a total compliment! I can feel this in you. If you decide you want to try and you want to turn things around, I'm positive you can do it! You just need to work at getting your head in the right space. Look how everything almost came together with this helicopter job.

Mate, you're so close....

 

[Ghost2211]

You can have whatever you want from me

Including my pawn collection.


I can't believe how romantic I am. Effortless...


Things will change for you, I'm really hoping so because you're a good person.


@RoseyBird - tagging you because I'm not sure if you'll get a notification from the quote above.

The landlord has served me with a Section 21 notice.
Housing law in the UK is a bit behind the times. He doesn't need a section 21 notice to evict anybody, so he can do it as he pleases.
There are in theory some protections in place if mental health is involved, but in reality protection isn't very strong.

Your second paragraph is partly true.
I'm not indecisive, rather things keep popping up that makes me think things may turn around or that something good may happen after all.
You've seen with the job offer from helicopter guy that the timing of these things is sometimes more than a little 'crazy'.
Yes the prospect of a job did make me legitimately happier, you're 100% correct. Essentially every practical thing in my life (other than an internal feeling of being depressed) comes down to money (housing, etc). So the prospect of a good job did really breathe some fresh life in to me.

I've never shared this story, and I won't go into the details, but years ago I was actually seeing a consultant psychiatrist. He's still around.
He is an awesome guy in part because he comes at it from a completely different angle. He didn't go through medical school and just start working for the NHS.
In his country (not my country) conscription is mandatory. He joined a branch of his country's military, and was later selected to join an intelligence service in his country (he told me this in confidence).
After he left the intelligence service, he continued his psychiatric studies, which presumably he was doing while in the military and intelligence, I'm not sure.
He worked for the health service in his country as a consultant while also working as a lecturer in the department of psychiatry at a university in his country.
He was also involved in a few business ventures, so has direct experience of managing people in the real world too, other than his military and intelligence experience. He is very good at managing subtle office politics and real world people situations. He is the sharpest person I've ever met and am ever likely to meet.
He is now an NHS consultant psychiatrist, in charge of a large psychiatric ward/department.
He does things differently and has a different perspective, and is considered a bit of a maverick in the local psychiatric services.

He once told me this story about how he was sat in a meeting with several colleagues, including executives.
Before the meeting, a document had been distributed concerning the future of services, given financial cuts.
Long story short, he made an alternative suggestion rather than just agreeing with the Chief Operating Officer's (COO) proposal. The COO then made a direct but slightly veiled remark to him in front of everybody.
He responded by saying something like "I was able to come up with my proposal because I don't have coffee on my mind" - a thinly veiled jab at the priorities of executive leaders.

Anyway, he is very religious, and is one of the directors of his church.

As an aside, maybe he'll ask me to do the accounts at his church one day...................................................

Back to the story....he once sat me down and told me that life has a way of preparing you and molding you for your purpose, and that this may not be a comfortable experience but, he said, the flower is the most beautiful part of the plant but the plant has to grow before it can show its flower to the world.

It sounded very cheesy and bit wit fluffy to be honest, but he also went on to say that the unusual situations that seem to be drawn to me might have been presented to me because I'm the right person to deal with them: confident, head strong, see things differently and see things that others might not, etc.

I know.....it sounds a bit fluffy.
I'm just telling you what he told me, and I fully appreciate that I have completed got off the point of your post.

And yes....before anyone says....I know that my life is totally messed up.
You have read the stories over only the past 2 weeks: extra SN sent to me for free, job offer on Saturday morning, broken helicopters and gun smuggling.
Perhaps it's only me that goes to see a psychiatrist only to find out that they're a formal 'intelligence officer'.

You certainly meet some interesting characters, but it sounds like you're personable enough to get work fairly easily as well. Sorry to hear about the housing stuff. It was like that here until about a decade ago as well. I hope today is a better day for you. Sending you many hugs.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I will agree with most here- you need to take time. Not a day or two but longer. You haven't been sleeping well that makes us not think correctly, you've prepared yourself to go- than stayed for a job offer- which is the next mini series on tv- and have been going through way to much. I would take more time to think everything through. If you aren't any worse off than 6 months ago than things haven't gotten worse. I know here people are much worse off from 6 months ago due to covid alone. I know they haven't gotten better but you are worth more time than say 6 months.

I appreciate the flower version your psychiatrist intelligence officer friend told you. Put some real thought into that fluffy story =) maybe see if you can reconnect with this fellow.
ohh ohh I just thought of something there was a mini series Macguyver and I think it was @Mm80 who said you were like his fav super hero BipolarGuy to the rescue! that will be the starring role in the tv mini series and you have to be here to play that character!

 

[BipolarGuy]

I need to have a bit of time to reflect today.
I haven't postponed anything - I didn't say that in post #1.

I just need time to reflect.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I will agree with most here- you need to take time. Not a day or two but longer. You haven't been sleeping well that makes us not think correctly, you've prepared yourself to go- than stayed for a job offer- which is the next mini series on tv- and have been going through way to much. I would take more time to think everything through. If you aren't any worse off than 6 months ago than things haven't gotten worse. I know here people are much worse off from 6 months ago due to covid alone. I know they haven't gotten better but you are worth more time than say 6 months.

I appreciate the flower version your psychiatrist intelligence officer friend told you. Put some real thought into that fluffy story =) maybe see if you can reconnect with this fellow.
ohh ohh I just thought of something there was a mini series Macguyver and I think it was @Mm80 who said you were like his fav super hero BipolarGuy to the rescue! that will be the starring role in the tv mini series and you have to be here to play that character!

For myself, with my mood disorder going through such a roller coaster I'd be super discombobulated from all those recent events, but that is me.

 

[Wayfaerer]

he has allowed me to stay, citing that I'm not a bad tenant and he "wouldn't want to literally see me homeless".

As opposed to figuratively seeing you homeless?

Anyway, back on topic, you can tell if it's the depression talking or your circumstances by getting high and how hopeful you feel. If you feel hopeless still, you probably are. That's where I'm at now.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

As an aside, maybe he'll ask me to do the accounts at his church one day.............................

Mate, you sound like a really head strong guy and I think you should indulge the feeling of being tempted to work through it. Imagine you take it and in a few months time/half a year, you come across something else without international gun smuggling helicopters involved - would be pretty sweet right? Unless by that point you're running weapons by jet plane for the mafia.

Nothing to lose if you do - but that's all easier said than done.

 

[BipolarGuy]

As opposed to figuratively seeing you homeless?

Anyway, back on topic, you can tell if it's the depression talking or your circumstances by getting high and how hopeful you feel. If you feel hopeless still, you probably are. That's where I'm at now.

Well there is that - he served me the notice in the first place!
You're right.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

As opposed to figuratively seeing you homeless?

Anyway, back on topic, you can tell if it's the depression talking or your circumstances by getting high and how hopeful you feel. If you feel hopeless still, you probably are. That's where I'm at now.

I hit my brothers blunt 2 days ago. I had just had to give doc urine so I'm safe to try MJ now. I ended up in my room in hysterics, wishing I knew how to use my sons gun so I can go blow my head off to get to him... I'm either that hopeless or it was the wrong kind of MJ. I've never been a MJ smoker I didn't like how I felt. So it could just be the strain of MJ if you still feel hopeless, I learned here there are different strains.

 

[BipolarGuy]

A very special friend has had the patience to talk with me, and they've got through to me and made me realise that going through with it tomorrow would not be a truly rational thing to do.

 

[Lilacmoon]

A very special friend has had the patience to talk with me, and they've got through to me and made me realise that going through with it tomorrow would not be a truly rational thing to do.

glad to hear friend. i was so worried you would do it on impulse.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

A very special friend has had the patience to talk with me, and they've got through to me and made me realise that going through with it tomorrow would not be a truly rational thing to do.

we need to tell that very special friend thank you. You were so undecided and I think in time good things will come to you. You are going to write the next tv series you have it all my friend- than you'll be richer than you know what to do with... ok lets keep it in reality you will get a job while doing the books you are doing for the gun smuggling broken helicopter drama guy..