Depression or Hate?

[Dinistro]

The more I age (Currently 22 and joined the group few years ago) the more I feel more rage towards others than to myself.
And its not hateful feeling towards random people but to certain narcissistic ones. It gets to a point I sometimes wish I get to come across one so I could unleash many years of trauma on them.

But yeah coming back to the topic, has anybody else stopped feeling sorry for themselves and started growing a spite for "Bad" people?

 

[alwaysalone]

The more I age (Currently 22 and joined the group few years ago) the more I feel more rage towards others than to myself.
And its not hateful feeling towards random people but to certain narcissistic ones. It gets to a point I sometimes wish I get to come across one so I could unleash many years of trauma on them.

But yeah coming back to the topic, has anybody else stopped feeling sorry for themselves and started growing a spite for "Bad" people?

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I honestly keep hoping I come across a truly bad person so I can do some damage. I've never seen something requiring violence in person unfortunately. Whenever I've seen something close I do call authorities or whoever and it's always been taken care of.

 

[The Unanswered Q]

The opposite actually, used to despise everyone and everything, but it's turned more into self-loathing as the years have gone by. It's not like having a seething hatred for them will make them disappear, all it does is make you feel awful.

 

[starboy2k]

Depression and exhaustion is a better fit for me. I dont hate people as much as I used to, Im exhausted by them. Im depressed that even the rare times I leave my doom room (my whole apt) I still have to be surrounded by people who can literally kill me if they wanted to, or even worse act like dumb NPCS at the fucking grocery store (like seriously the amount of people who act like they are the only ones shopping in a big ass store baffles me to this day.)

Im depressed by people and life, Im annoyed by people and life, Im exhausted by people and life. I barely have any energy to hate atp.

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

I get it , sometimes I too have home is idle thoughts. These do not target random people, the people are specific but I rest easy that one day they'll perish on their own. Obviously the truly evil should get their bed made early and lie in it ASAP.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I found as I aged, my anger/ resentment turned outwards rather than inwards. I was pretty shy when I was young and, being forced to be around others- as we all are, I think I just absorbed all the hate and feelings of inadequacy. I also believe I grew up with a (suspected) narcissist so- the hate towards me was extremely intense there.

I guess we put up with all the shit when we're young because we don't have quite the experience or capacity to view the whole picture. Plus, we're brought up not to question authority and we know we aren't in the position to do anything about it.

Also, anyone coming up against a (suspected) narcissist- especially that young, it can feel like being randomly punched in the gut. It's so shocking that a person can even behave like that. It defies logic so, if we aren't strong enough to blame them, we likely will start to accept blame ourselves question our own sanity.

I guess becoming an adult, we are given slightly more freedom to hold our own opinions. I think also, when we reach the stage we realise we are deeply unhappy, we start to look around to figure out why. So, we start to question how much is in fact our fault. What wrongs were done to us? How fair/ unfair the whole system is. At that point, I think we can probably find a fair bit to be resentful for.

My Dad once read a note back I had written in a book I gifted him when I was in my early teens maybe. It was full of apology for being needy. I was basically apologising for existing. The worst thing is, I expect he probably prefered me like that! Hearing that now though- it just makes me think- wasn't it obvious there was something very wrong? Wasn't it concerning that your own child was feeling guilty about simply existing and needing you?

I can't say I enjoy feeling angry though. It's over very basic stuff I can't even change a lot of the time. I just have an antinatilist angst that I'm alive in the first place and expected to earn the 'privelage'.