Depressed then psychotic

[WhoStevik]

My experience shows melancholic depression, if not treated and don't end up in a suicide will turn to psychosis. I don't know what is happening or why. In fact, it took too long for me to realize I'm depressed. I never had a diagnostic, but my pathology is mainly anxiety, insomnia and paranoia. I am suicidal since 10, but being a suicidal person doesn't mean you have depression, right? Depression is a complete and complex ill. But I realize that I'm depressed, because my anxiety is reliefless and I everyday deal with remorse and strong guilt feelings. I have no appetite and don't sleep well, and I am *VERY* reclusive. I lose motivation and pleasure in acts that I used to like. Well, anyway, let me tell why I'm doing this post.
As the years goes by, I never find a answer for why I am so strange. I grew up reclusive and very anxious, had very bad experiences with society and still reclusive and in constant fear. Like many people I start to use drugs as self medication, but I experienced with so many drugs and abused this things. Fist thing that worse mental problems is sleep deprivation. As a person with insomnia I experienced so many nights without sleep, and feel that affected my mental state. As a reclusive person I stay alone most of the time, and is here that things become out of reality. When you are alone with your thoughts you may find them very strong, specially when you're alone doing drugs, you become very introspective and connected with your thoughts, and they may start to distorted. I start to believe we're not living in a true reality, I believe we are in a dream-like state and think it is the reality. In fact, I had this sensation since I was a kid, but the isolation, loneliness and maybe drugs use makes me hardly consider it as a truth. I don't know say since when it's happen, but always I had a voice in my head accusing me to be responsable for all bad things in my life and my family's life, even things we just can't be guilty. I become so antisocial that I have so many people, and with the time passing by my sexual thoughts become mixed with my feelings about the people so it brings me to necrophilia. I don't know how to explain, and I want to apologize for some people here in SS when I asked for necrophilia links in tha chat. I have conscious that is not a "good" thing in our normal society, I know that the voices I heard aren't "real" in our actual plane and I know that my thoughts of guilt, paranoia and mind reading isn't real but I just can't control it. I'm sorry. I'm getting into a dark state of mind, beyond depression and suicide and I don't know where I'm going. I'm just trying to alert that depression can worse to a very bad state of mind that no one can foresee the results. Sorry if I'm bothering anyone, share your thoughts.

 

[Dead_Inside]

No thoughts are bad/good IMO.... you are free to have thoughts of all kinds. Action are the limiting factor. Think what you will, but follow the golden rule as best you can.
I think isolation can skew things quite a bit and so can anxiety and depression. And I will fully agree that there is something far beyond depression. I don't feel it the same way you do, but I think a lot of people who have made a full attempt to die and returned to this world can agree there is some kind of next level of depression/sadness/devastation....

 

[onewayroad]

Sounds like my experience with bipolar type I... I'm mostly depressed although it's hard to tell anymore because I'm so used to it, I guess one indication is that I have no desire to keep living. If someone pointed a gun in my face I wouldn't feel anything.

But the depression is easy compared to the manic/psychotic episodes... you can get used to depression but you can't get used to crazy. There is no way to adjust to the feeling of losing your grip on reality.

Maybe you should try to see a psychiatrist, I'm on lithium and quetiapine at the moment. The lithium doesn't seem to do anything but the quetiapine helps a little. But everyone's different, maybe you can find something that works for you.

 

[WhoStevik]

Sounds like my experience with bipolar type I... I'm mostly depressed although it's hard to tell anymore because I'm so used to it, I guess one indication is that I have no desire to keep living. If someone pointed a gun in my face I wouldn't feel anything.

But the depression is easy compared to the manic/psychotic episodes... you can get used to depression but you can't get used to crazy. There is no way to adjust to the feeling of losing your grip on reality.

Maybe you should try to see a psychiatrist, I'm on lithium and quetiapine at the moment. The lithium doesn't seem to do anything but the quetiapine helps a little. But everyone's different, maybe you can find something that works for you.

I'm seeing a doctor, I'm on amitriptyline and promethazine. But I go to a "public" psychiatrist, in a place they call "C.A.P.S." here in Brazil (Centro de Apoio Psico-Social) and they're very negligent, only mark appointment for each 3 months, they don't care too much. I just don't have money to see a particular doctor.

 

[Schizoid]

Your situation is a little bit similar to me.

My depression started from early 2017, but i went to psychiatrist in September/2017. My psychiatrist said "You have melancholic major depression and schizoid personality" I stopped treatment in January/2018 because it was not helping to me. In early 2018 i started to hate humanity, society and morality. It was torturing me. I fantasized about a new society and morality understanding for stopping my pain. I called it as "The Age of Felicity". I knew it was not real, but in some day i started to think like, If i want "The Age of Felicity" can be real. In July i became psychotic. I had hallucinations. Firstly i heard a curse from street to me. After that i saw a word when i closed my eyes. That word was Arabic in latin alphabet. The meaning of it was "The official document showing how a case is ended in a court". Everything was seemed so unreal, real, scary, lovely, hopeful, hopeless, melancholic and euphoric. In September psychosis became fine but one week ago i felt so antisocial and necrophiliac.