broken_songbird
Member
- Aug 27, 2022
- 65
Being back in society is a real downer sometimes. I lived in a car for three years but I stayed in the mountains and the desert where it was secluded and beautiful and it didn't matter which iPhone you have. There were no tabloids or TVs. Heavily populated areas are also heavily populated with reminders of how twisted everything is: churches, universities, health care, justice.... I'm missing my chosen ignorance of all that. I miss being able to forget how shitty people can be to each other just because they can. How they heartlessly step on each other to reach a goal, like one would drive over a train of ants on the highway.
My sadness comes with distress. It always has. When I was planning to CTB, I was in an unbelievable heap of distress and it took a real miracle and a lot of love to start to ease that distress by resolving the problems that were causing it or by learning to cope with the problems that couldn't be resolved. Saying that someone is depressed is a dismissal of that person's distress. Depression is a secondary condition that happens to someone with uncomfortable emotions that have gone ignored. But a pill can't tackle those emotions and a pill can't resolve distress. So let's dismiss the fact that "depression" is caused by something completely different for every single person who experiences it, blanket their conditions and give them pills to treat "depression" so they're more tolerable in society. Then put the responsibility all on the depressed person so they feel like an asshole for having feelings about being a person in distress or opinions about pretty much anything. And if they won't take the pills to numb the feelings and opinions, take their stuff away and tell them it's their fault for not taking the pills. Then tell exaggerated stories about every tiny thing they do.
I miss the desert.
The one thing about being back in domestic life is that I quickly acquired 4 humans and a cat who depend on me for their emotional stability (one >recently ungrateful< human and one cat who depend on me for lots of other stuff too) but I have to pay somebody and take a little blue pill for my emotional stability. WTF is that? I still live in a world where I don't have a person to talk to when I need a friend. And it isn't that I don't try with these folks, it's that they're either completely disinterested or they don't understand so they simplify my feelings so they can try to understand. So I don't talk to them about my important stuff anymore. I love all of them and I'm grateful for them and I accept that they can't give me what I'm looking for in this regard. I also feel lonely for someone who cares about my feelings and tries to understand them at least a little.
He thinks: She lays around sad most of the day because she's depressed.
My reality: I lay around more now than ever -A LOT- because the worker's comp doctor said I can't work due to these double knee injuries that may need surgery that I can't get while everything is held up in litigation. The yoga I used to do all the time hurts now. We can't afford the tools I would need to do other fun things around the house, you take the vehicle to work, and I can't walk to the bus to try to find free stuff or volunteer stuff; so I'm trying to make due with the stuff we have and be content as your personal chef, housekeeper and secretary when the only thing I have that's for me is physical fucking therapy. And doing a damn okay job of it. So as a person who used to do lots of hiking and yoga for work and as hobbies, yeah sometimes that makes me sad. And as a person who used to travel and make music and have intellectual conversations, sometimes I get bored. And as a person who used to spend 24 hours of the day with you before you got this job, sometimes I get lonely. And amidst all of it, I'm doing my best to adjust to a situation that's new in so many ways while finding joy in the blessings I have. And learning to enjoy TV even though this is the first time in my adult life I've owned one.
I can accept that I'm a complicated person with complicated feelings. I've met others like that too. And I'm grateful for them. I just feel like folks can understand what I'm saying just fine when we're having conversations for and about them, but when I need to talk about me folks shut down and don't want to listen. Folks who seem to listen don't seem to understand. There's almost always been at least one person in my life who I felt like they could understand me. But I haven't had that person in many years now.
I guess I just haven't seen much civility in civilization. Politeness? Sure. But politeness is no substitution for genuine kindness. Politeness is the result of coercion. Medicated politeness the coercion of those under duress.
My sadness comes with distress. It always has. When I was planning to CTB, I was in an unbelievable heap of distress and it took a real miracle and a lot of love to start to ease that distress by resolving the problems that were causing it or by learning to cope with the problems that couldn't be resolved. Saying that someone is depressed is a dismissal of that person's distress. Depression is a secondary condition that happens to someone with uncomfortable emotions that have gone ignored. But a pill can't tackle those emotions and a pill can't resolve distress. So let's dismiss the fact that "depression" is caused by something completely different for every single person who experiences it, blanket their conditions and give them pills to treat "depression" so they're more tolerable in society. Then put the responsibility all on the depressed person so they feel like an asshole for having feelings about being a person in distress or opinions about pretty much anything. And if they won't take the pills to numb the feelings and opinions, take their stuff away and tell them it's their fault for not taking the pills. Then tell exaggerated stories about every tiny thing they do.
I miss the desert.
The one thing about being back in domestic life is that I quickly acquired 4 humans and a cat who depend on me for their emotional stability (one >recently ungrateful< human and one cat who depend on me for lots of other stuff too) but I have to pay somebody and take a little blue pill for my emotional stability. WTF is that? I still live in a world where I don't have a person to talk to when I need a friend. And it isn't that I don't try with these folks, it's that they're either completely disinterested or they don't understand so they simplify my feelings so they can try to understand. So I don't talk to them about my important stuff anymore. I love all of them and I'm grateful for them and I accept that they can't give me what I'm looking for in this regard. I also feel lonely for someone who cares about my feelings and tries to understand them at least a little.
He thinks: She lays around sad most of the day because she's depressed.
My reality: I lay around more now than ever -A LOT- because the worker's comp doctor said I can't work due to these double knee injuries that may need surgery that I can't get while everything is held up in litigation. The yoga I used to do all the time hurts now. We can't afford the tools I would need to do other fun things around the house, you take the vehicle to work, and I can't walk to the bus to try to find free stuff or volunteer stuff; so I'm trying to make due with the stuff we have and be content as your personal chef, housekeeper and secretary when the only thing I have that's for me is physical fucking therapy. And doing a damn okay job of it. So as a person who used to do lots of hiking and yoga for work and as hobbies, yeah sometimes that makes me sad. And as a person who used to travel and make music and have intellectual conversations, sometimes I get bored. And as a person who used to spend 24 hours of the day with you before you got this job, sometimes I get lonely. And amidst all of it, I'm doing my best to adjust to a situation that's new in so many ways while finding joy in the blessings I have. And learning to enjoy TV even though this is the first time in my adult life I've owned one.
I can accept that I'm a complicated person with complicated feelings. I've met others like that too. And I'm grateful for them. I just feel like folks can understand what I'm saying just fine when we're having conversations for and about them, but when I need to talk about me folks shut down and don't want to listen. Folks who seem to listen don't seem to understand. There's almost always been at least one person in my life who I felt like they could understand me. But I haven't had that person in many years now.
I guess I just haven't seen much civility in civilization. Politeness? Sure. But politeness is no substitution for genuine kindness. Politeness is the result of coercion. Medicated politeness the coercion of those under duress.
