Venting Delaying truck method

[ferrie]

They want me to stay and suffer watching people die because of me.

i've self-harmed for 10 years and cut very deep many times before so I know I can do it


Confused why you both keep trying to help or intefere . Idk which. They say you're trying to mind control in your way.

I hope I'm not coming across as trying to change your mind. That's not a view I'm going to try to challenge though, I just hope you come to your own conclusions on it & don't let the voices sway you. I'm truly not trying to interfere. All I want is to help, and I think my post history speaks for itself that I do try my best to help people where I can. I respond a lot to your posts bc what you're going through really hits on my empathy & a lot of the engagement you get has been people arguing with you rather than constructive help. Genuinely I would feel really bad if anything went wrong for you even though I don't know you. For me what I would see as the way to prevent that would be slowing down & thinking through everything methodically. It's entirely your choice what to do & nothing I do really changes anything, I just hope that by asking questions it might help you

 

[Tesha]

Hmm but lots of people in pain here and wouldn't push them away from ctb. You must be in pain to be on here too.
I do want partly what they want. We all want death. Just they want lots of people dead, I want to keep to minimum but as long as I die and save as many as possible, some other casualties fine.

I am in pain. I get regular flashbacks from my childhood abuse, I'm going through a divorce because of my CPTSD, I'm about to lose my house, I've been off work for a while now. It's utterly shit trying to stay alive - I'm only still trying for my kids.

I've been using this site for 4 years and I've read quite a few goodbye threads, so I'm experienced enough to not try to push you away from CTB, if that's your wish. But I know you don't want lots of people to die with you.

You won't be saving anyone by involving others. The minimum number of people involved in anyone's suicide should be the same as the maximum - one. The person who wants to CTB. So yeah, I give a shit. I care about innocent people and I care that you get a peaceful death on your terms - not on the terms of the voices in your head.

 

[drearysunrise]

Hey, I've seen your threads recently and I wanted to say that I really empathize with what you're going through (at least as much as I'm able to without having had a similar experience myself). I get the sense that you are a thoughtful and kind person, both from the emphasis you place on the idea of saving others and from the way you've taken the time to reply with appreciation even to some of those who disagree with you. I am very concerned about and saddened by the logistics and coerced nature of your plan to ctb and possible inability make your appointment this week. But I'm not in an informed place to give any input on your situation, and I know you aren't looking for that. I just hope that you're able to feel (at least relatively) safe here and that you can continue to use this forum as a space to vent about what you're going through.

 

[timetodie24]

Just venting. Please Ignore me.
Just didn't want to make another thread and annoy people more. (All entitled to your opinions but let us agree to disagree as only I know what's happening as I'm the one living it. So don't need arguments thanks)

I think there's a chip/device in my ear too. I can feel it and there's been unusual sensations and sounds in my ears. Not sure I can trust my parents as they're the only ones who could do it when I was sleeping.

 

[Darkover]

I think there's a chip/device in my ear too.

this is the exact same thing my mother says to me and she as schizophrenia

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

I thought I had a microchip in my brain when I was going through a psychotic episode caused by smoking weed. I also had the feeling people were out to get me like you're describing.

 

[Esokabat]

I really advise you to discuss the feet and ear implant devices with a health care professional. I know you feel you know everything but a second set of eyes might be helpful, they might have insights that can be useful. Please be open and honest with your doctor or mental health nurse. Do not withhold information. If you feel you cannot talk, write it down and read it or let them read it. If you feel you cannot be physically close to them without the fear of hurting them, then write everything down and email it to them, mail it to them, text to them. Be honest, and open with them, do not withhold any information. You don't need to mention CTB but please tell them everything else. What can you lose? Why withhold information? Imagine a cancer patient telling their doctor only 5 per cent of their symptoms and they expect to be helped or diagnosed. Just be honest with them.

 

[timetodie24]

I really advise you to discuss the feet and ear implant devices with a health care professional. I know you feel you know everything but a second set of eyes might be helpful, they might have insights that can be useful. Please be open and honest with your doctor or mental health nurse. Do not withhold information. If you feel you cannot talk, write it down and read it or let them read it. If you feel you cannot be physically close to them without the fear of hurting them, then write everything down and email it to them, mail it to them, text to them. Be honest, and open with them, do not withhold any information. You don't need to mention CTB but please tell them everything else. What can you lose? Why withhold information? Imagine a cancer patient telling their doctor only 5 per cent of their symptoms and they expect to be helped or diagnosed. Just be honest with them.

My appointment with mental health practitioner (probably a nurse but didn't say) is tomorrow (friday) but I don't think I can do it. I can't text/email/mail as have no contact details for her. I have to call my GP practice to pass on message if I want to contact her.
She knows I'm suicidal (services here often don't even care when you have a plan but only mention thoughts just in case) so telling her about CTB is the least of my worries. I will write stuff down as verbal communication isn't my strong point (autistic) . But if I share too much, even if writing, what if I have to hurt her ? There's something specific and violent they keep telling and showing me images in my head of me doing. I can't take that risk.
Or what if she's in on it and they mean I'll hurt her because of that. The appointment could be to get more info out of me. She could put another chip in me too . I can't let her refer me to any services that will drug me to control me.
The only contact i've had with her so far was a call from a withheld number so i don't even know if she's who she says she is.

 

[ghostdog]

are you on any medication ?