Venting Delaying truck method

[timetodie24]

People will probably think I'm a coward or fake as chickened out of ending it today again. I am weak and cowardly but not faking.

But I had some revelations last night. I was confused about how all the numbers fit as the motorway is partially closed due to roadworks at the part of the road it'd indicate. So the traffic queues would make it impossible or very difficult . Yet i was told that I was 100% right with the method. So I realised my nearest dual carriageway (highway? Not sure what others places call it) fits the numbers perfectly without considering particular sections. I don't think the message actually relates to a particular date anymore. But it could relate to 6th month so should it do it this month just incase . And asap before those in control gain more power.

Unless I get more messages or signs telling me otherwise, I will hold on until mental health practitioner appointment next week. I won't tell her plan or too many details. I just have a few questions for her. I think she may be important in this and may be able to get some info out of her that helps me with saving others. Although I might have to cancel appt. if it is unsafe for her as those in control really don't want me speaking to her . And they suggest hurting her so I will cancel if they get more assertive as can't risk that. But I will at least try to hold on until after when appt. should be.
Not sure I can but will try.

I know I sound like I'm making all this up and changing things to suit me. But it's just not that simple as the codes are complicated. And I get more messages/voices that changes things. I'm exhausted and can't think straight about basic stuff so it's hard.

I don't care what people think tbh anymore. Those in control have so much more power than any of you and it's them I'll listen to.

* don't need advice. Just venting and also updating people as i think i upset people yesterday *

 

[Praestat_Mori]

People will probably think I'm a coward or fake as chickened out of ending it today again. I am weak and cowardly but not faking.

Nobody here thinks you're a coward!!

I think it's a good choice to visit your GP/Therapist next week. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do. But don't let things r entities take control over you and your own free will!

 

[timetodie24]

Nobody here thinks you're a coward!!

I think it's a good choice to visit your GP/Therapist next week. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do. But don't let things r entities take control over you and your own free will!

Thank you

 

[ferrie]

I'm glad to see an update from you & that you're considering going to your appointment! I really hope everything works out so you can go and talk to her. This whole thing seems so stressful, no wonder you're exhausted. I hope you're able to find some rest & think more clearly

 

[Tesha]

I'm sure no one thinks you're a coward, or fake. I don't.

It sounds like you're becoming able to manage the voices and the people you believe are controlling you better, so hopefully a few more days waiting to see the nurse will be manageable for you. You never know, they may suggest some ideas to help your anxiety as well.

 

[timetodie24]

I'm glad to see an update from you & that you're considering going to your appointment! I really hope everything works out so you can go and talk to her. This whole thing seems so stressful, no wonder you're exhausted. I hope you're able to find some rest & think more clearly

I'm sure no one thinks you're a coward, or fake. I don't.

It sounds like you're becoming able to manage the voices and the people you believe are controlling you better, so hopefully a few more days waiting to see the nurse will be manageable for you. You never know, they may suggest some ideas to help your anxiety as well.

Thank you both. I really appreciate it
I know what I still have to do eventually. But i need to slow down and figure it out properly or I know i will make things worse for others.

 

[ferrie]

Thank you both. I really appreciate it
I know what I still have to do eventually. But i need to slow down and figure it out properly or I know i will make things worse for others.

I'm really happy you're slowing down to think everything through It was so heartbreaking thinking about how things could go wrong from rushing it. Wishing the best for you & hope you keep us updated

 

[timetodie24]

I don't think i can go to appt. They're getting more control . The voices are loud and aggressive and I'm worried they'll make me hurt practitioner if I go. It's unfair to put someone in that position. And I also think i've found a device in my foot that they could be using to control me .


* don't need advice and i know everyone's BS opinion of my situation already. Just venting. Safer than journal as my parents have 0 respect for privacy and have read it before .

 

[Ash]

I don't care if you think it's BS, what you need to do is ring 999 and tell them you need an ambulance with a police escort.

Or write it down, just like that, and put it somewhere that your parents will see it. Maybe put that you believe you're being controlled by a device in your foot.

 

[Tesha]

I get you don't want advice, but I'm going to give it anyway - please go to your appointment. You know that's the right thing to do. This isn't a BS opinion of your situation, it's a reasonable assessment of your options.

 

[timetodie24]

I don't care if you think it's BS, what you need to do is ring 999 and tell them you need an ambulance with a police escort.

Or write it down, just like that, and put it somewhere that your parents will see it. Maybe put that you believe you're being controlled by a device in your foot.

That's a tad dramatic . No one is at risk of immediate harm so there's no need for emergency services . I have no intent to cause any harm to anyone today (myself included). If there's even the slightest chance of anyone getting harmed due to me going to appt. then I won't go - Problem solved, no one gets hurt and no emergency.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really don't want to sound contrascending here. I do believe you. I think you're anything but cowardly living with these influences and trying to make sense of them. But- can I put this to you please?

It seems to me like you interpreted a sequence of numbers to mean your CTB attempt should involve traffic on a particular highway? Is that correct? This is your interpretation though- yes? The voices aren't directly telling you to hurt other people or- are they? So- it's your choice to involve and possibly kill other people in a suicide attempt?

I do believe we have the right to take our own lives but I can't support hurting others. I do honestly hope you can find a way of wrestling with these voices or interpreting their messages in a way that doesn't injure or kill anyone else.

Sorry if that sounded insensitive. You have my upmost sympathy. Your life must feel terrifying and I admire you for keeping things under control for so long.

How much does your therapist know- may I ask? Do you tell them that you feel like you're being controlled? And that sometimes the influences feel violent?

 

[ferrie]

I don't think i can go to appt. They're getting more control . The voices are loud and aggressive and I'm worried they'll make me hurt practitioner if I go. It's unfair to put someone in that position. And I also think i've found a device in my foot that they could be using to control me .


* don't need advice and i know everyone's BS opinion of my situation already. Just venting. Safer than journal as my parents have 0 respect for privacy and have read it before .

What leads you to believe there's a device in your foot? On one of your other threads it seemed like you didn't believe in technology being used to control people, or at least that it wasn't what was happening in your case

 

[timetodie24]

What leads you to believe there's a device in your foot? On one of your other threads it seemed like you didn't believe in technology being used to control people, or at least that it wasn't what was happening in your case

Yes, I was sceptical before and didn't think it was happening in my case. But now I can feel it in my foot and it'd explain things getting worse and not feeling myself.

 

[ferrie]

Yes, I was sceptical before and didn't think it was happening in my case. But now I can feel it in my foot and it'd explain things getting worse and not feeling myself.

That's an understandable shift if you can physically feel it. What do you think could have changed for you to be able to feel it now and not before though? Have you tried tracking the periods where you feel better & worse? From an outside perspective, there are some really distinct differences in how you post on different days. It may be useful to know when you feel the most like yourself & what experiences you have with hearing the voices on those days

 

[timetodie24]

That's an understandable shift if you can physically feel it. What do you think could have changed for you to be able to feel it now and not before though? Have you tried tracking the periods where you feel better & worse? From an outside perspective, there are some really distinct differences in how you post on different days. It may be useful to know when you feel the most like yourself & what experiences you have with hearing the voices on those days

No point tracking. All my focus needs to be on figuring out and following messages.
The device doesn't feel too far in my foot so might try to cut it out myself. Although worried about impact on receiving messages

 

[ferrie]

No point tracking. All my focus needs to be on figuring out and following messages.
The device doesn't feel too far in my foot so might try to cut it out myself. Although worried about impact on receiving messages

I wouldn't try to cut anything out of your foot. Your feet are VERY susceptible to infection, and it can spread really quickly. Are you still having visions like you said the other day?

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

I don't think i can go to appt. They're getting more control . The voices are loud and aggressive and I'm worried they'll make me hurt practitioner if I go. It's unfair to put someone in that position. And I also think i've found a device in my foot that they could be using to control me .


* don't need advice and i know everyone's BS opinion of my situation already. Just venting. Safer than journal as my parents have 0 respect for privacy and have read it before .

My question is: do you feel like it's ever worth it to fight against the voices? If you think it's too dangerous to full disobey, do you think it's possible to creatively interpret what they're saying? For example, if they tell you you need to hurt your practitioner, is it possible to take that to mean insulting them? That could "hurt" them without hurting them. Just brainstorming here, I'm sorry if this isn't useful.

 

[timetodie24]

My question is: do you feel like it's ever worth it to fight against the voices? If you think it's too dangerous to full disobey, do you think it's possible to creatively interpret what they're saying? For example, if they tell you you need to hurt your practitioner, is it possible to take that to mean insulting them? That could "hurt" them without hurting them. Just brainstorming here, I'm sorry if this isn't useful.

It's a good suggestion thank you . They didn't say 'hurt' though , it was something very specific and violent that I didn't want to share here. So that's not open to interpretation. Although some of the other things they say could be I guess .

 

[painoflife]

The voices are loud and aggressive and I'm worried they'll make me hurt practitioner if I go. It's unfair to put someone in that position.

I am glad you are still thinking about different possibilities rather than simply taking things at face value and making a snap decision.
My immediate thought when I read this part was do you *want* to attend the appointment but feel too scared you will be forced to do something as you are physically with the person? A way to get around this could be to check whether there is an option to do the appointment over the phone or as a teams/zoom call, so you can still ensure their physical safety but have conversations you need. I know neither of these ways are my preferred communication for meetings so I understand it might not be ideal for others either but its just an option you might not have thought of.

 

[Esokabat]

Please do not operate on your own feet. It can lead to infections and you could lose the feet.

 

[timetodie24]

Please do not operate on your own feet. It can lead to infections and you could lose the feet.

don't need my feet when I'm dead . If I remove it, I'll use sanitary tools and antiseptic and I will be gone before chance of infection. although tbh if I end it soon then maybe don't need to remove it. Although I'm worried it is partly keeping me alive so maybe I will remove it right before ctb, incase it prevents success

 

[ferrie]

don't need my feet when I'm dead . If I remove it, I'll use sanitary tools and antiseptic and I will be gone before chance of infection. although tbh if I end it soon then maybe don't need to remove it. Although I'm worried it is partly keeping me alive so maybe I will remove it right before ctb, incase it prevents success

Even if you use antiseptic, the environment itself isn't sterile. You could also seriously injure yourself, which would be hard to hide, could make it difficult to walk, & could result in you being taken to the hospital. I would really encourage you not to try to operate on your feet. How would a device like that be able to keep you alive?

 

[Onelegman]

Why suffer the pain of having something removed from your foot if you are going to die? It is suffering unnecessarily.

 

[timetodie24]

Why suffer the pain of having something removed from your foot if you are going to die? It is suffering unnecessarily.

Because as I mentioned above I think it could partly prevent ctb .
The device is for mind control so it can impact my actions, could block my thoughts and could strengthen SI . So i need it gone so i can be more in control to make sure I succeed in ctb

Even if you use antiseptic, the environment itself isn't sterile. You could also seriously injure yourself, which would be hard to hide, could make it difficult to walk, & could result in you being taken to the hospital. I would really encourage you not to try to operate on your feet. How would a device like that be able to keep you alive?

 

[ferrie]

Because as I mentioned above I think it could partly prevent ctb .
The device is for mind control so it can impact my actions, could block my thoughts and could strengthen SI . So i need it gone so i can be more in control to make sure I succeed in ctb

If they're controlling you through the device & use it to increase your SI, wouldn't that mean they don't want you to die through the method you have planned? I'm not trying to convince you of anything, I just wanna understand your situation. The concept of the device keeping you alive & the voices wanting you to die at a specific time in a specific way seems at odds to me. Why possibly hinder your plan trying to get it out when it seems unlikely it would be used that way from the way you've described the voices?

 

[Tesha]

You sound much more cognitive than you've previously done, which I'm seeing as a positive.

Have you ever cut anything out of your body before? I can only imagine it'll hurt like hell and you might not be able to finish what you start. I'm presuming you don't want to end up in a worse situation than you're already in?

 

[timetodie24]

If they're controlling you through the device & use it to increase your SI, wouldn't that mean they don't want you to die through the method you have planned? I'm not trying to convince you of anything, I just wanna understand your situation. The concept of the device keeping you alive & the voices wanting you to die at a specific time in a specific way seems at odds to me. Why possibly hinder your plan trying to get it out when it seems unlikely it would be used that way from the way you've described the voices?

They want me to stay and suffer watching people die because of me.

You sound much more cognitive than you've previously done, which I'm seeing as a positive.

Have you ever cut anything out of your body before? I can only imagine it'll hurt like hell and you might not be able to finish what you start. I'm presuming you don't want to end up in a worse situation than you're already in?

i've self-harmed for 10 years and cut very deep many times before so I know I can do it


Confused why you both keep trying to help or intefere . Idk which. They say you're trying to mind control in your way.

 

[Tesha]

Confused why you both keep trying to help or intefere . Idk which.

I can't respond on behalf of @ferrie , but for me it's as simple as giving a shit about a person in pain who I don't know and probably never will.

My take is you don't actually want to do what the 'others' want you to do. It must be a lonely position for you to be in - all I'm doing is letting you know that you've got choices.

 

[timetodie24]

I can't respond on behalf of @ferrie , but for me it's as simple as giving a shit about a person in pain who I don't know and probably never will.

My take is you don't actually want to do what the 'others' want you to do. It must be a lonely position for you to be in - all I'm doing is letting you know that you've got choices.

Hmm but lots of people in pain here and wouldn't push them away from ctb. You must be in pain to be on here too.
I do want partly what they want. We all want death. Just they want lots of people dead, I want to keep to minimum but as long as I die and save as many as possible, some other casualties fine.