Ugh. I equate it to trauma as well. Like, I'm just subconsciously used to being hurt so that's what I crave…at least that's my main running theory. I never really explored it too much with my therapist. It used to be more impulsive so it was mainly focusing on not doing it. But it's definitely really frustrating because even when I don't want to die I feel like I need to, even if it doesn't work, and I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. I want to try but if it doesn't work I don't want to have to deal with the pain I'll cause others in my attempt.
Oh yes, I get them very violently too. I used to cut to deal with it. Self harm is so not sustainable though.
I actually was contemplating just giving in to self harm urges just for that reason. But it's not worth the addiction and the having to hide it. I definitely relate to dissociating during it. I know exactly why I used to self harm but I can't really relate it that much to this feeling, that was an addiction and an outlet and this feels different. It's hard to explain. I feel like I need to die by my own hands. Even when I don't want to.
maybe you shouldnt do it, i did regret doing it after i came to my senses, its also annoying having to keep the cuts covered, clean and moist so they dont scar too bad, and the sting when there's some kind of friction is really uncomfortable. i dont know if it would be worth it, i dont really feel anything today, so im not talking from an emotional standpoint, but you shouldnt do it seeing that there isnt really anything theyre gonna do for you, apart from making you uncomfortable.
I agree with you. I haven't done it and I don't think I will. Honestly when I used to self harm I just got labeled as having borderline and treated like shit so there's just too many negative consequences (along with the ones you stated obviously) to even bother. Thanks.
I agree with you. I haven't done it and I don't think I will. Honestly when I used to self harm I just got labeled as having borderline and treated like shit so there's just too many negative consequences (along with the ones you stated obviously) to even bother. Thanks.
im really sorry people treat you that way :( you deserve so much better, people are just shit.I agree with you. I haven't done it and I don't think I will. Honestly when I used to self harm I just got labeled as having borderline and treated like shit so there's just too many negative consequences (along with the ones you stated obviously) to even bother. Thanks.
well, for me, i started hating myself a lot and committing to giving myself an increasingly worse quality of life after i realized im transgender. i figured that if im going to exist in a way that i don't approve of for myself, then i want it to be as undesirable as possible. but at this point, it has spiralled way beyond just that reason and now i hate everything about myself. i recognize that there is no good inside of me, and no matter what i do, i'll never make up for the bad i bring to the world.Love to you.
What do you think it comes from?
That makes sense. It isn't your fault that you were born into the wrong body though, so how do you justifying hurting yourself and making things worse for yourself? I can only justify it when I'm trying to override survival instincts and kill myself. I think my desire to self harm also comes from a place of self hatred, no matter how much I try to convince myself I'm not an evil person.
Thanks for chiming in! I'm sorry you feel this way too. My body is also full of scars. I was born the right gender but everything else about me feels wrong. Just know that you sincerely don't deserve pain, but you deserve compassion and grace. Corny, I know, but also true. You aren't inherently bad.
That makes me so sad. My wife is trans. The world did YOU a disservice, not the other way around. You deserve to live in the body that is most you. Hugs hugs hugs.
thank you for saying this, i'm honestly never expecting kindness about being trans so i really appreciate it.
I definitely empathize with those feelings. I think it's probably a bit of both: a deep feeling of needing to hurt yourself PLUS the added bonus of the psychological and physiological addiction of self harming. Lucky us!
Thanks! I have a very very basic understanding of harm OCD and I think your recommendation is on point. Will do. Sorry you can relate.
I mean, hey, we're on this forum for a reason. We all struggle in some way. I think once you read about it you will understand why this is a thing your mind does. I'm glad I was able to help a bitThanks! I have a very very basic understanding of harm OCD and I think your recommendation is on point. Will do. Sorry you can relate.
I like the techniques you use. They actually sound healthy - the redirection/procrastination as well as stepping back and framing the thought as just an OCD thought. I'm sorry you struggle with these thoughts too but it's nice to have someone relate so completely. I am not diagnosed with OCD but I have been diagnosed with BPD in the past and can definitely relate the thoughts to that and the trauma. I just wish it made sense in a way that would motivate me to keep living and not always be fighting with myself against hurting myself. It's not impulsive like self harming was much of the time for me. It's so different. And no matter how much I procrastinate it (I can come up with anything to convince myself it's not the right time) I can't get rid of it completely and it almost seems to build up more the more I wait.
It is very very difficult to shake the feeling that hurting myself is correct and that that is how thing should be and how the arc of my life should end. It feels like every moment of my life has been leading up to such complete misery that I'll simply cease to live. It makes it really hard to do anything with a payoff beyond a day or so, and even then I mostly focus on gratification that comes in a couple hours.
