Venting Declaration of War

[Giraffey]

Please note, some people may find parts of this thread offensive or triggering.

Dear @!&?;#,

Although you will personally never read this, I want the rest of the world to know the truth. For the past four years of my life, you have beaten me, bit me, punched me and kicked me. You drugged me once, sexually assaulted me "as an experiment" and even tried to kill me one time. When our relationship ended, you manipulated the police and the courts into believing that I was the abusive one. You had not a scratch on you, I was covered in marks and bruises. You got away with everything - because you made me believe that I was not a victim, you made me think that it was all my fault - for having a job and not spending every second of my time with you.

You lied to your ex-boyfriend for months by saying that you had cancer, and later when he refused to sleep with you, tried to emotionally blackmail him by reminding him of how he "helped you into remission". When I caught you cheating on me you, I walked away, you threatened to get an abortion if I didn't come running back. When we broke up you harassed me for months before telling me that you had been raped and were dying of a brain tumour.

Stupidly, I believed you and came to see if you were okay but when you found out I had moved on you 'flipped out'. Unbeknownst to me, you'd secretly told the police that I had held you, hostage, in your bedroom at knifepoint. But this time I was smart and when I received a mysterious text message from you asking me to "delete all your messages" I did the opposite. The court exposed you as a vile liar, but people still believed you.

Another year passed and throughout that time you continued to harass me day and night. You even lied about being raped again to get sympathy from me, but this time the police saw through you and it was put on record that you had lied - you got away with it. You got custody of our daughter and through your negligence you allowed horrible things to happen that eventually led to tragedy. But again, you got away with it. I entered a new relationship with my soulmate, but you were jealous, you couldn't stand the thought of me being happy and so you did your best to destroy it. Now, because of you, I have nothing.

Not content with destroying my reputation, my life and my relationship, you sent naked photographs of me to various people, humiliating me. Then you started to tell anyone that would listen that I had raped you. At first, a couple of people close to me believed you, but they soon saw through your disgusting lies - all because I refused to rekindle the abusive relationship you subjected me to for two years.

Your attention-seeking behaviour truly knows no moral bounds. I wonder how many people know that you were kicked out of a vigilante group hunting online paedophiles after you exposed yourself to several of the male members (cyber-flashing). I wonder whether the ex-boyfriend you were leaching off, whom you accused of rape, knew that you were also secretly sleeping with his brother and two of his friends, all whilst secretly working as a prostitute. I wonder how many people know of how you tried to blackmail a foreign businessman with a false allegation of rape after he refused to pay for you to go on a holiday. I wonder how many people know about the relationship you had with a man who was languishing for a violent crime in an American prison, or how when he got out and tried to turn his life around with his new partner, you began harassing him when he refused to rekindle your relationship, prompting his girlfriend to intervene.

I've protected your secrets for far too long, I never wanted to sink to your level or to hurt the people that you inadvertently implicated with your disgusting behaviours, but you have left me no option - the evidence will now ALL come out.

You are the one who drove me to suicide @!&?;#, but I have decided that I will NOT be weak like you, I will NOT go down without a fight! So listen up, this is war! I have finally plucked up the courage and the strength to seek a restraining order against you. The evidence of your harassment runs to several pages, and I have messages and voice recordings of you admitting to having beaten me up. This is but the first step.

This is war.

 

[mr.Switchblade]

I think any words about self harm are unnecessary in declaration of war speech. He/she can just laugh at you.

 

[Giraffey]

I think any words about self harm are unnecessary in declaration of war speech. He/she can just laugh at you.

I agree with you there, I probably should have made clear that I haven't sent the 'letter' above to my abusive ex-partner and I don't intend to, I don't want any contact with that woman. I was just venting on here and building up some energy before I fill out the forms for court. Confronting those memories is always horrible.

I've added a slight edit. thanks for that feedback :)

 

[VabeniPokojneTmy]

This is saddest thing I read in a while. I feel really sorry. Hope this war will bring you satisfaction.
Be strong

 

[escapefromabuse]

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I've been through an abusive relationship myself - although not to the extreme as your post suggests. I do understand the lying, manipulating and character assasination.

I wish you strength and the best in doing what's best for you. Abuse is horrible.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Good for you that you're getting a restraining order!

I think a main difference between you and her is that you don't get so caught up in the negativity that you seek revenge and try to destroy her, but instead act to seek protection from further toxic contact. Reviewing her actions may have felt toxic. I'm sorry you went through all of that and then had to revisit it, but you are more powerful now than you were then.

I just got out of a situation where another person took from me and got away with it. S/he played the narcissistic games for an extended period of time. I had an opportunity at the end to fight back and try to stick it to them. All of my actions would have been justified, but it wouldn't get back anything this person took, and I realized i was expending a lot of emotional and mental energy in trying to plan and enact, and was functioning in the toxicity they set up. As soon as I let it go, I felt less distressed and more in touch with myself. As with all narcissistic abusers, the best is to go no contact, as anything else is fuel for their agendas, and it only serves the toxicity, and helps it to get inside, which is what they want. It's like they want to corrode others from the inside out, and corrode every single aspect of their lives. And they often get away with it.

Getting the restraining order is reinforcing no contact, and I have compassion for how much you had to gear up to do it and gather all the evidence. But it was for a positive purpose, not a negative, toxic one.

Something that's really stuck with me is Gautama Buddha's explanation of the roots of violence and oppression: the thought, "I have power, and I want power." With the person I just ended contact with, that was his/her motivation. S/he was indeed abusive, and abused his/her power to try to gain more power. Because of this explanation, I recognized that what I wanted was to oppress him/her in return. But it wouldn't get anything back, it would only keep the war going that I never even wanted to enter. Instead, I maintained balance and, for the most part, my equanimity, throughout the time I knew him/her, and I feel more powerful because it's the first time I've gotten through something like that without losing self-control, losing power over myself. S/he didn't take my well-being or my personal power. S/he didn't motivate me to come down to his/her level. His/her toxicity didn't enter me and corrode me. I did not oppress.

I recently read this, and maybe you'll get something from it, maybe not:

"For what does the man who accepts insult do that is wrong? It is the doer of wrong who puts themselves to shame."

- Musonius Rufus

And also,

"To accept injury without a spirit of savage resentment -- to show ourselves merciful toward those who wrong us -- being a source of good hope to them -- is characteristic of a benevolent and civilized way of life."

- Musonius Rufus

I'm not a martyr, taking shit and walking around being a good example to try to influence someone to do good who has no desire to, but I feel so good not having a spirit of savage resentment. Folks like the person I just dealt with, and like your ex, and like @escapefromabuse's ex, don't seek a civilized way of life. They don't seek reciprocity or social order and good. But that person in my own situation didn't get to make me less civilized, s/he didn't get to change my heart or my soul and make me participate in breaking down social good and civilization, s/he didn't corrode me.

At the end of their lives, there may be no judgment for such folks. They may look back on their actions and feel quite satisfied, like having had a fast food meal; they don't get that their way wasn't nourishing or rich, but was addictive, toxic, and destructive. I cannot judge them, I have no power to do so, I cannot demand an accounting or recompense, but I can look back when I am at the end of my own life and be grateful that I did not end up the same, even if there is nothing after life, even if there is no accounting or reward. For whatever reason, they do not share my conscience, they do not function as I do, but for me, "it is far more wretched to harm than to be harmed" (Seneca).

 

[escapefromabuse]

@GoodPersonEffed you are on point. I took my power back by walking away. I don't need to, nor do I want to, tell my side of story. I know it happened and that's enough. I don't want nor need revenge on her. I only want my peace back and to be left alone.

 

[Giraffey]

Thank you all so much. After many false starts, delays and sleepless nights, I finally found the courage to make a police report. I was absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be believed, she has a strong grip on the police and other authorities, but her behaviour had got out of control and after over two years of continuing abuse post-separation, it was obvious that she wasn't ever going to let me lead a peaceful life.

But on the phone this afternoon, I was listened to, I was treated with respect and for the very first time, I was taken seriously. I don't know if this will ultimately lead to any change in my life; but for now, at least, I have a reason to live and to fight.