Skyview
Going Blue
- Dec 9, 2019
- 473
Hi everyone and it soooo good to find this site . I decided to stop eating for the reason I was stuck finding an alternative to ctb . At the time, I was confused , angry at life etc etc and there was info on hanging which didn't appeal to me , no access to prescription pills it is difficult to get opioids prescribed here which would have been my preferred method. Cops around here have nothing to do except write speeding tickets and bust anyone with drugs, so venturing out for drugs was a no no so I decided to stop eating and see what happened . first week was ok though I did sip water , second week I consumed a lot of water , only way I could stop the vertigo . I endured this for 43 days only drinking water an then put the second phase of my plan into action , temp outside was over 100 deg F with the heat index of 120deg F . I put a gallon of water in my backpack and set off hoping to induce a massive heart attack by walking a considerable distance , I had lost a lot of weight ,( 180 lbs before I started this) after a few miles I felt pretty good , this was not suppose to happen so I kept on walking and had now covered approx. 5 miles and I needed a rest , my expectations soared , this was going to work . I pushed myself to continue ignoring the glances from motorists and one even stopped beside me telling me I need to get out of this heat even offering to drive me anywhere that I needed to go to , politely declined stating I was on an endurance regime and that I would be fine ,kept pushing myself and by now I had covered around 10 miles from home and I was beginning deteriorate fast ,the heat was unrelenting and not in any pain just weak , I had to sit down and thought this will be it but no , I decided to seek shelter so I wouldn't be disturbed , went down a small embankment under a bridge to reassess my condition as too many people passing in cars were staring . Have you ever been in that position where you roll your eyes and think why me ? , I made it under the bridge and darkness was beginning to fall only to be met by snakes , don't know about you but it is definitely not my way to go , so climbed back up to the highway which was ten times harder than I thought it would be . Recently I saw an ad for Pooh bear , Christopher Robin was sitting mumbling " what to do , what to do , what to do " and Pooh appears repeating the same words , those words I said to myself as I was now in a very bad way but no heart attack . I kept thinking am I so strong that I can endure this without a fatal heart attack , I could walk no more than 100 feet and rest for ten minutes and continue , what am I a horse , I should be dead by now . what I have learned from this , is that the human body can be so resilient or is it my DNA that I could endure so much ! I crossed over the highway and started to head back knowing I couldn't make it home , I had nothing more to give and a pickup truck pulled in ahead of me , I wasn't sure what to do because I wanted to die on my own terms then realized I was being silly , you wanted to die maybe this is your chance . He put down his window and asked where I was going then added your in a bad way , jump in !, he turned the a/c to full blast to cool me down and then said something remarkable " I don't why I stopped , something made me stop for you" I asked him to explain more and he said he just knew that he had to stop for me . No one else stopped for me nor would they , for fear of being attacked . Often thought about that experience an cannot arrive at a conclusion . Now I look at other ways to ctb and I have already put my notice in at work telling everyone I shall finish up at the end of the year at the latest and hopefully the bus is waiting on me . thx for reading , whatever path you choose I wish you a peaceful ending .
