Decided not to CTB

[couragetodie]

I know I don't want to die. I just want all this pain in my life to go away. I want that to die. I have many problems in my life right now but they are all temporary. I don't want to go to hell. I don't want to be reincarnated as some kind of pubic lice or something. I don't want to hurt my loved ones.

I have a lot of work to do to get out of this hole that I have dug. I need to find many things to aid my pain. I need serious therapy and I need to find strength again. I need to file for bankruptcy, sell my home, and rebuild my life.

I can't thank this community enough for being such good listeners. I don't want to visit this site for a while. I need to turn my life around. I came very close to CTB this week. I literally had everything in place but when I realized that my life was literally coming to an end, I started to lose my mind thinking of what I would be leaving behind.

There is love and pain amongst all of us here. Even the scammers, the trolls, the frauds are here subconsciously because they fear death and long for connection. I thank all of you for listening to me. There are some amazing souls here.

I don't want to be the man I have been my whole life — I need to become a better man. I need to become stronger. I need to take better care of myself. I suffer from mental conditions that have prevented me from caring deeply about others. I want to learn how to care more about others, I want to commit myself to treatment. I have a ton of problems but I actually feel slightly relieved right now. I feel relieved that I am not going to CTB this week. I feel some joy that I will be alive even with all this potential pain ahead.

Thank you all for helping me, I hope I don't need to return here again. I hope that I can regain the strength needed to emerge from this darkness and be the man that I always wanted to be. And I hope that all of you here who suffer find peace. You all deserve this peace.

God Bless All of You and Hugs for Everyone

C2D

 

[JustAboutDone]

@couragetodie, you can totally do this :-)
In my head I've changed your name to "Courage to Live" and I wish you all the best luck in the world as you break free from the swamp that sucked you down and swim for the shore. I'm rooting for you all the way. Xxxx

 

[15dec]

I'm so glad to hear you're going to try recovery, and I really admire your determination and will to succeed. Best of luck friend, hugs.

 

[lukaszz12]

Whenever I hear about this reincarnation thing it always makes me lol it is so fucking bizarre.
Anyway, best of luck.

 

[ReadyasEver]

Good luck couragetodie! I hope you overcome your issues! Peace!

 

[Meena]

I decided not to ctb neither bcoz of cowardice.
But it doesn't mean i choose to live or keep struggling to save my life.
I have lexotanil pills that i mix with alcohol or smoke cannabis.
I don't feel the will to become a better person or a strong one.
I have bipolar disorder in addition to many other pbs.

Anyway i envy u for your new resolution and wish u all the best. U r a brave heart

 

[Samuel]

I know I don't want to die. I just want all this pain in my life to go away. I want that to die. I have many problems in my life right now but they are all temporary. I don't want to go to hell. I don't want to be reincarnated as some kind of pubic lice or something. I don't want to hurt my loved ones.

I have a lot of work to do to get out of this hole that I have dug. I need to find many things to aid my pain. I need serious therapy and I need to find strength again. I need to file for bankruptcy, sell my home, and rebuild my life.

I can't thank this community enough for being such good listeners. I don't want to visit this site for a while. I need to turn my life around. I came very close to CTB this week. I literally had everything in place but when I realized that my life was literally coming to an end, I started to lose my mind thinking of what I would be leaving behind.

There is love and pain amongst all of us here. Even the scammers, the trolls, the frauds are here subconsciously because they fear death and long for connection. I thank all of you for listening to me. There are some amazing souls here.

I don't want to be the man I have been my whole life — I need to become a better man. I need to become stronger. I need to take better care of myself. I suffer from mental conditions that have prevented me from caring deeply about others. I want to learn how to care more about others, I want to commit myself to treatment. I have a ton of problems but I actually feel slightly relieved right now. I feel relieved that I am not going to CTB this week. I feel some joy that I will be alive even with all this potential pain ahead.

Thank you all for helping me, I hope I don't need to return here again. I hope that I can regain the strength needed to emerge from this darkness and be the man that I always wanted to be. And I hope that all of you here who suffer find peace. You all deserve this peace.

God Bless All of You and Hugs for Everyone

C2D

There's the many who contemplate suicide. There's some who obsess over it. Few who act on it. And then there's the very few who succeed. You sound as though you are going through some rough times. But that is no reason to kill yourself. Temporary problems are no reason to take your life. Permanent problems, that you cannot cope with are much better reasons. However what is this life anyways? Life is fucking shit. What are you losing by dying besides your life.

 

[HellinHeaven]

I wish you the best for your further life and that you'll do it. Hugs

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

I have so much admiration for your strength. Hugs and blessings to you!!

 

[color_me_gone]

I know I don't want to die.

Glad you decided to hang in there.
I know it is a tough decision, and we support you.
We always miss our fellow members of this community who have had to ctb.
But we understand why.
Glad you are staying, hope you continue on in the forum.

 

[Buddyluv19]

Not wanting to become a pubic lice is a great motivation. Good for you and best wishes.