enlightened_suicide
How do you know, this isn't all a dream?
- Jan 4, 2020
- 112
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT CONDONE ANY OF THE THINGS MENTIONED. I AM ONLY TELLING YOU MY STORY FOR HARM REDUCTION AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY.
I want to start this out by saying I apologize in advance fr how long this is going to be, but if you stick it out, I Love and Thank You.
They were all peaceful to me in a sense except for one incident. ( I apologize to the people that I put through hell trying to leave in these methods..)
And these are the only attempts where I consider myself close to feeling Death's Breath:
August 2017: Duster + Train = Shoulda Jumped After -
I was huffing computer duster on the train tracks, out in the woods near my childhood home. I had been huffing for a while bc I was broke and was a junkie I tried to take big hits to pass out and fall off the bridge I was sitting at many times before.. but always woke up with my Can and/or Phone being in the creek below :( (scared of heights, so I couldn't overcome SI sober..)
So I tried to turn the can upside down and freeze my lungs and I couldn't consciously get enough due to my lungs burning and that godawful taste (yuck) I only ended up short breathed, coughing blood, and praying I would not be able to breathe after a while (jokes on me... didn't happen.)
So deciding it was not working I decided to just continue to sit there, and get high for a while to figure out my next move, thanks to my luck after sitting their for about an hour I hear a train! ("I hear the trains coming my way ;)") So I stood in front of it and I could hear the train horn blaring, the conductor yelling my name (later to find out it wasn't the conductor, it was my father) but I could see a cloaked figure on the front of the train holding his hand out to me (coulda been the adrenaline, bc the duster had worn off at this point idrk ..) all I know is how real it was. I started to get tunnel vision, everything around me was just white light except for this figure reaching for my hand riding this train . I got to where I accepted it, and held my hand out to him, and as i was about to be taken away. I was pulled off the tracks and I see my dad ( he had a weird feeling and decided to go for a walk.. did not even realize it was me until it was almost too late.) So he's talking to me and I can't really hear what he was saying all I could hear was as if the figure was whispering me to follow.. so I tried to shake my dad off, and throw myself under the train .. he then tackled me and held me down until the entire train passed.
Extra After:
I then told him to take me to my car, he agreed, but as we passed it, I asked why he wouldn't stop he went silent, so a few minutes later as we are pulling down our 1/4 a mile long driveway I see 2 sheriffs and tel him no no no .. I don't want to go to the ward again and he tells me I have no other choice so I jumped outta the van while he was driving and ran in the woods (I was wearing slides, so I lost them in the meantime) he yelled to the cops and they started chasing me through the woods yelling STOP! ... but I grew up here so I knew all of these woods like the back of my hand. I was just trying to make it back to my car which was like 2 miles of woods to go through.. barefoot. I make it close and I see cops around my car as if that's where they knew I was going so I have to find somewhere else to go and fast bc I can hear the ones on foot approaching me quickly. I finally shake them off around another mile later and duck off in a field.. so I sat down near the creek I found so peaceful (about 1/2 a mile from the bridge where the initial story took place) I took out a knife and cut my wrists to bits I passed out due to blood loss but was found a few minutes later.. I woke up in the ambulance sad bc I knew that I was gonna have to go back to the psychward for another extended stay.
October 2018: Halloween Party Upper/Alcohol OD-
My fwb was throwing a Halloween party and decided to get us some triple stacked X (that was laced *rolls eyes*) I had been eating vyvance like they were skittles for the two days prior and all of that day I ate so many, that being sober today I have no idea how I survived that alone. So we popped The X and went got all the beer and liquor we needed before everybody showed up, decided to have a few ourselves to get "pumped up" (lmao her words) .. so everybody starts showing up and we are getting slammed bc ya know drinking is always a competition when it come to teenagers who like drugs.. at least for me anyway. Well I am over half a bottle deep and a dozen or so beers in while taking probably 5 or 6 more vyvance in the same time period.. the X starts kicking in HARD! so I go sit on the couch to try and "let the peak pass" real quick when apparently I stopped making any sense to questions asked, I just became straight incoherent and could not move, my eyes were rolling in the back of my head, I was sweating, I somehow tried to go to the bathroom to try and puke, but fell face down in the hallway not moving. So my friend sits me up and takes off my hoodie and ngl wrings out the sweat as I kept telling him I was so cold, they brushed it off and decided that it was just alcohol poisoning, so they made me a PB&J sandwich and tried to get me to eat, I couldn't get it down and was struggling to even stay awake sitting up .. well everybody else was fucked up and irritated that I turned out to not be fun, so they left me in the room alone and continued to party. Well later a couple people came into fuck and I apparently was seizing out and stopped breathing so one guy did cpr and while I was out I just felt such a sense of peace and happiness like I was everything and nothing in the same instance, I did not see anybody or any landscapes I recognized, more like a DMT trip of shapes and colors and feelings of indescribable godlikeness.. it was beautiful!
He then handed me a cigarette when I came back to.. and sat me on the porch, until I felt like coming back to party.
I wasn't myself after that, as it lead me to the next story less than a month later.
November 2018: 46 Stitches + Karma = Terror Territory
This is one that I have to begin by just apologizing to my grandma for traumatizing her for the rest of her life, as she is the one who found me with no given explanation.
After the events previously talked about, it hurt a lot like being made fun of for overdosing, but I won't mention some of the things that went on during/ after that night ..
Anyways I had started cutting again, but they were bad this time (like stitches worthy and didn't care) I would cover them up and fake a smile and tell everyone that everything was fine, as I sat alone with nobody around me anymore.. just drowning myself in drugs just praying to anything and begging to die. I finally reached a breaking point when I got a phone call that changed my life for the worse. I looked up how to huff dangerous chemicals and so for 2 days, I huffed enough paint thinner to incapacitate an entire town. I would fall asleep with the rags on my face in my bed.. blood was everywhere on all my clothes, the walls, the bed, the floor, splattered over a couple rooms.. I had these chemicals in my cuts .. I started to dip the knife in it before I would cut .. I then drank a cup of it, and slit my throat and wrists as deep as I could.. I let the chemicals spill over the floors and my tables and dresser and set it on fire, hoping that if by a miracle I lived, I would die from smoke inhalation or being burned up. My grandma came by the house to check up bc she said she got some bad feelings and she let herself in bc she seen the smoke, she filled a mop bucket of water while on the phone with 911 yelling for me to get up, but I was so weak I couldn't move and when she finally reached me she wasn't strong to enough to move my "dead weight", I had passed out on a blanket covered in the chems (bc I soaked my bed) I also had my hood on.. so she couldn't see the blood on me at this point ( I wasn't there spiritually/physically, it's like I watched all of this happen above my body) she sat there crying and waiting on 911 and trying to get me to wake up (the sounds she made scarred me to this day.. I'm tearing up writing this.. she is the only one who ever cared) so everything went black after hovering watching this for so long. I was surrounded by a lot of kids my age welcoming me saying "they were glad to finally have me to play with them" .. but I could hear screams in the distance, but somehow eerily quiet at the same time, it was cold, so cold and dark. Then a hooded figure came out of nowhere saying that I had finally made it .. but it wasn't my time yet that I wasn't welcome.. I had more to do, He then hit me with a scythe like a hockey stick back into my body, and I woke up to a room of EMS, with paramedics over me saying they got me back finally .. they had cut me outta my clothes and wrapped my arms and neck in gauze to stop me from bleeding more while they preformed CPR. I freaked out when I "woke up" though, so I pushed them off and jumped to my bed like a madman screaming and crying, telling them I had finally made it out of this pain and they ruined it .. the cops were trying to grab me as I was hitting them away standing in the corner scared as to what was gonna happen and started hallucinating that they were demons trying to take me away to a prison .. they finally then tased me and I passed out awaking in the ambulance covered in greenish, brownish, not human like puke, and choking bc the paramedics were not paying attention and I was handcuffed so I could not move my oxygen mask off and breathe so I sat there screaming and crying until they realized what was going on and cleared my airways.. I then had to sit in a hospital by myself.. all alone.. for a week while they got the chemicals out of my blood and the nurses and doctors were so very mean bc they thought that I was crazy. There was only one nurse who was nice to me the entire time, but she talked to me so sweet and down to earth like she understood and really got me through the rest of that miserable week, for the couple of days that she worked . (thank you I don't remember your name(I'm sorry a lot was going on), but I swear you were an angel sent to me in such a dark time, and I cannot thank you enough.)
I then went to the psychward until I convinced them to let me out Thanksgiving Eve.
February 2019: COP CAR OD-
At this time I was living in a run down apartment we could not afford, about to be evicted, and just in another REALLY bad situation. While my 2 roommates were at work.
I took sleeping pills and every prescription that I had not taken since about 1 month after the hospital in November bc I did not like what they did to me.
Apparently I went to sleep but woke up in the black out phase and was breaking into cars trying to get money so my friends had enough money to keep staying there and not get evicted for at least another month ( I only know from a page I wrote in my notebook)
I got "arrested" and while the cops were talking to the people, trying to find out what happened, and seeing if anyone knew who I was or what I was doing and everything, I fell over in the back of the cop car not breathing, and I only remember being at peace and feeling everything wash off of me, seeing colors that do not exist on the human planes, feeling as though I was floating in space.. I woke up in the hospital to a charcoal smoothie :( .. but good news no psychward.. this time somehow, only bc they just chocked it up to me trying to get high.. I got out the next day with no ride, no phone, and no money, and walked 12 miles back to the empty apt, while I waited on my roommates to get off work, who were clueless and figured I crashed somewhere for the night.
July 2019: Overdose Party Pt 2 downer love<3
This is the one I have talked about around the forum and the most recent attempt. I feel like this was the closest I've come in a while, since I ended up being in a coma on life support with a 20% chance of waking up, and 10% chance of being functional (not a vegetable). Hours away from the plug being pulled on me.
But basically I started drinking early, got my friend to pick me up and take me to buy some bars (xans), I then started by taking 4 and coming home, then getting an acquaintance to pick me up and take me to get my opiates (oxy, and hydros) while drinking throughout the day .
I then went to a kickback with a couple "friends" and got black out drunk, they said I started eating my pills like they were candy like I used to, but I told them they weren't strong so no second thoughts at first, and assured them that I was okay.. but after a while this sent off red flags bc I had finally gotten sober at this point (and I saw it as an opportunity for my tolerance being basically non existent at this point.) They decided after I nodded off a couple times, that we needed to leave soo they dropped me off about a mile from my house in case something happened they would not be in the crossfire, they left me with a bottle and I drank the whole walk home, while eating away the remainder of my pills. I made it back to the house and tried to go to the back where I left a pack of cigs and ended up losing my phone and wallet .. not knowing (rip not having thse later on). I went to the front porch to smoke and fell off the porch and smacked my head on the brick steps and concrete sidewalk, my grandpa happened to be driving by the house and seen me laid out, and decided to check it out, and once he saw what happened, and could not get me awake, he got the EMS to show up they hit me with 4 doses of narcan (the max) I would not wake up so they put me on oxygen and got me to ICU, where I was hooked up to life support and a feeding tube for 3-4 days. After being there for a week, it was my first involuntary Psych ward admission and I swore I would NOT be "saved again" and to deal with those docs and crazy meds that fucked me up worse. That's why this one has been a lot of planning, preparing, and making sure everything was perfect, and would not affect those around me, and I would be at peace by myself somewhere that I want to be the last thing I see.
I tried to paraphrase best I could while still being informative. And I tried to only mention the ones that were "memorable".
If you made it through all of this Thank You . If you didn't it's okay I understand that was still A LOT.
*Thank you to everybody accepting me into this community.
*Thank you to the mods for giving us place to come to in our time of suffering.
*Thank you for all the information on methods and peaceful ways to ctb.
*Thank you to all the kind souls around this forum the ones still with us, and the ones we've lost.
*Also taking a moment for all of the ones we have lost, but knowing they are finally at peace. You are missed and not forgotten!
I will see you soon you beautiful souls.
I Love You All . <3
and I am sorry that you feel the need to be on this forum in the first place, nobody deserves to feel this.
but take the time and enjoy the community that we have been given, and do your best to keep it around
for all of the others who will come across it. BE NICE AND LOVE EACH OTHER! weareallinthistogether.
I want to start this out by saying I apologize in advance fr how long this is going to be, but if you stick it out, I Love and Thank You.
They were all peaceful to me in a sense except for one incident. ( I apologize to the people that I put through hell trying to leave in these methods..)
And these are the only attempts where I consider myself close to feeling Death's Breath:
August 2017: Duster + Train = Shoulda Jumped After -
I was huffing computer duster on the train tracks, out in the woods near my childhood home. I had been huffing for a while bc I was broke and was a junkie I tried to take big hits to pass out and fall off the bridge I was sitting at many times before.. but always woke up with my Can and/or Phone being in the creek below :( (scared of heights, so I couldn't overcome SI sober..)
So I tried to turn the can upside down and freeze my lungs and I couldn't consciously get enough due to my lungs burning and that godawful taste (yuck) I only ended up short breathed, coughing blood, and praying I would not be able to breathe after a while (jokes on me... didn't happen.)
So deciding it was not working I decided to just continue to sit there, and get high for a while to figure out my next move, thanks to my luck after sitting their for about an hour I hear a train! ("I hear the trains coming my way ;)") So I stood in front of it and I could hear the train horn blaring, the conductor yelling my name (later to find out it wasn't the conductor, it was my father) but I could see a cloaked figure on the front of the train holding his hand out to me (coulda been the adrenaline, bc the duster had worn off at this point idrk ..) all I know is how real it was. I started to get tunnel vision, everything around me was just white light except for this figure reaching for my hand riding this train . I got to where I accepted it, and held my hand out to him, and as i was about to be taken away. I was pulled off the tracks and I see my dad ( he had a weird feeling and decided to go for a walk.. did not even realize it was me until it was almost too late.) So he's talking to me and I can't really hear what he was saying all I could hear was as if the figure was whispering me to follow.. so I tried to shake my dad off, and throw myself under the train .. he then tackled me and held me down until the entire train passed.
Extra After:
I then told him to take me to my car, he agreed, but as we passed it, I asked why he wouldn't stop he went silent, so a few minutes later as we are pulling down our 1/4 a mile long driveway I see 2 sheriffs and tel him no no no .. I don't want to go to the ward again and he tells me I have no other choice so I jumped outta the van while he was driving and ran in the woods (I was wearing slides, so I lost them in the meantime) he yelled to the cops and they started chasing me through the woods yelling STOP! ... but I grew up here so I knew all of these woods like the back of my hand. I was just trying to make it back to my car which was like 2 miles of woods to go through.. barefoot. I make it close and I see cops around my car as if that's where they knew I was going so I have to find somewhere else to go and fast bc I can hear the ones on foot approaching me quickly. I finally shake them off around another mile later and duck off in a field.. so I sat down near the creek I found so peaceful (about 1/2 a mile from the bridge where the initial story took place) I took out a knife and cut my wrists to bits I passed out due to blood loss but was found a few minutes later.. I woke up in the ambulance sad bc I knew that I was gonna have to go back to the psychward for another extended stay.
October 2018: Halloween Party Upper/Alcohol OD-
My fwb was throwing a Halloween party and decided to get us some triple stacked X (that was laced *rolls eyes*) I had been eating vyvance like they were skittles for the two days prior and all of that day I ate so many, that being sober today I have no idea how I survived that alone. So we popped The X and went got all the beer and liquor we needed before everybody showed up, decided to have a few ourselves to get "pumped up" (lmao her words) .. so everybody starts showing up and we are getting slammed bc ya know drinking is always a competition when it come to teenagers who like drugs.. at least for me anyway. Well I am over half a bottle deep and a dozen or so beers in while taking probably 5 or 6 more vyvance in the same time period.. the X starts kicking in HARD! so I go sit on the couch to try and "let the peak pass" real quick when apparently I stopped making any sense to questions asked, I just became straight incoherent and could not move, my eyes were rolling in the back of my head, I was sweating, I somehow tried to go to the bathroom to try and puke, but fell face down in the hallway not moving. So my friend sits me up and takes off my hoodie and ngl wrings out the sweat as I kept telling him I was so cold, they brushed it off and decided that it was just alcohol poisoning, so they made me a PB&J sandwich and tried to get me to eat, I couldn't get it down and was struggling to even stay awake sitting up .. well everybody else was fucked up and irritated that I turned out to not be fun, so they left me in the room alone and continued to party. Well later a couple people came into fuck and I apparently was seizing out and stopped breathing so one guy did cpr and while I was out I just felt such a sense of peace and happiness like I was everything and nothing in the same instance, I did not see anybody or any landscapes I recognized, more like a DMT trip of shapes and colors and feelings of indescribable godlikeness.. it was beautiful!
He then handed me a cigarette when I came back to.. and sat me on the porch, until I felt like coming back to party.
I wasn't myself after that, as it lead me to the next story less than a month later.
November 2018: 46 Stitches + Karma = Terror Territory
This is one that I have to begin by just apologizing to my grandma for traumatizing her for the rest of her life, as she is the one who found me with no given explanation.
After the events previously talked about, it hurt a lot like being made fun of for overdosing, but I won't mention some of the things that went on during/ after that night ..
Anyways I had started cutting again, but they were bad this time (like stitches worthy and didn't care) I would cover them up and fake a smile and tell everyone that everything was fine, as I sat alone with nobody around me anymore.. just drowning myself in drugs just praying to anything and begging to die. I finally reached a breaking point when I got a phone call that changed my life for the worse. I looked up how to huff dangerous chemicals and so for 2 days, I huffed enough paint thinner to incapacitate an entire town. I would fall asleep with the rags on my face in my bed.. blood was everywhere on all my clothes, the walls, the bed, the floor, splattered over a couple rooms.. I had these chemicals in my cuts .. I started to dip the knife in it before I would cut .. I then drank a cup of it, and slit my throat and wrists as deep as I could.. I let the chemicals spill over the floors and my tables and dresser and set it on fire, hoping that if by a miracle I lived, I would die from smoke inhalation or being burned up. My grandma came by the house to check up bc she said she got some bad feelings and she let herself in bc she seen the smoke, she filled a mop bucket of water while on the phone with 911 yelling for me to get up, but I was so weak I couldn't move and when she finally reached me she wasn't strong to enough to move my "dead weight", I had passed out on a blanket covered in the chems (bc I soaked my bed) I also had my hood on.. so she couldn't see the blood on me at this point ( I wasn't there spiritually/physically, it's like I watched all of this happen above my body) she sat there crying and waiting on 911 and trying to get me to wake up (the sounds she made scarred me to this day.. I'm tearing up writing this.. she is the only one who ever cared) so everything went black after hovering watching this for so long. I was surrounded by a lot of kids my age welcoming me saying "they were glad to finally have me to play with them" .. but I could hear screams in the distance, but somehow eerily quiet at the same time, it was cold, so cold and dark. Then a hooded figure came out of nowhere saying that I had finally made it .. but it wasn't my time yet that I wasn't welcome.. I had more to do, He then hit me with a scythe like a hockey stick back into my body, and I woke up to a room of EMS, with paramedics over me saying they got me back finally .. they had cut me outta my clothes and wrapped my arms and neck in gauze to stop me from bleeding more while they preformed CPR. I freaked out when I "woke up" though, so I pushed them off and jumped to my bed like a madman screaming and crying, telling them I had finally made it out of this pain and they ruined it .. the cops were trying to grab me as I was hitting them away standing in the corner scared as to what was gonna happen and started hallucinating that they were demons trying to take me away to a prison .. they finally then tased me and I passed out awaking in the ambulance covered in greenish, brownish, not human like puke, and choking bc the paramedics were not paying attention and I was handcuffed so I could not move my oxygen mask off and breathe so I sat there screaming and crying until they realized what was going on and cleared my airways.. I then had to sit in a hospital by myself.. all alone.. for a week while they got the chemicals out of my blood and the nurses and doctors were so very mean bc they thought that I was crazy. There was only one nurse who was nice to me the entire time, but she talked to me so sweet and down to earth like she understood and really got me through the rest of that miserable week, for the couple of days that she worked . (thank you I don't remember your name(I'm sorry a lot was going on), but I swear you were an angel sent to me in such a dark time, and I cannot thank you enough.)
I then went to the psychward until I convinced them to let me out Thanksgiving Eve.
February 2019: COP CAR OD-
At this time I was living in a run down apartment we could not afford, about to be evicted, and just in another REALLY bad situation. While my 2 roommates were at work.
I took sleeping pills and every prescription that I had not taken since about 1 month after the hospital in November bc I did not like what they did to me.
Apparently I went to sleep but woke up in the black out phase and was breaking into cars trying to get money so my friends had enough money to keep staying there and not get evicted for at least another month ( I only know from a page I wrote in my notebook)
I got "arrested" and while the cops were talking to the people, trying to find out what happened, and seeing if anyone knew who I was or what I was doing and everything, I fell over in the back of the cop car not breathing, and I only remember being at peace and feeling everything wash off of me, seeing colors that do not exist on the human planes, feeling as though I was floating in space.. I woke up in the hospital to a charcoal smoothie :( .. but good news no psychward.. this time somehow, only bc they just chocked it up to me trying to get high.. I got out the next day with no ride, no phone, and no money, and walked 12 miles back to the empty apt, while I waited on my roommates to get off work, who were clueless and figured I crashed somewhere for the night.
July 2019: Overdose Party Pt 2 downer love<3
This is the one I have talked about around the forum and the most recent attempt. I feel like this was the closest I've come in a while, since I ended up being in a coma on life support with a 20% chance of waking up, and 10% chance of being functional (not a vegetable). Hours away from the plug being pulled on me.
But basically I started drinking early, got my friend to pick me up and take me to buy some bars (xans), I then started by taking 4 and coming home, then getting an acquaintance to pick me up and take me to get my opiates (oxy, and hydros) while drinking throughout the day .
I then went to a kickback with a couple "friends" and got black out drunk, they said I started eating my pills like they were candy like I used to, but I told them they weren't strong so no second thoughts at first, and assured them that I was okay.. but after a while this sent off red flags bc I had finally gotten sober at this point (and I saw it as an opportunity for my tolerance being basically non existent at this point.) They decided after I nodded off a couple times, that we needed to leave soo they dropped me off about a mile from my house in case something happened they would not be in the crossfire, they left me with a bottle and I drank the whole walk home, while eating away the remainder of my pills. I made it back to the house and tried to go to the back where I left a pack of cigs and ended up losing my phone and wallet .. not knowing (rip not having thse later on). I went to the front porch to smoke and fell off the porch and smacked my head on the brick steps and concrete sidewalk, my grandpa happened to be driving by the house and seen me laid out, and decided to check it out, and once he saw what happened, and could not get me awake, he got the EMS to show up they hit me with 4 doses of narcan (the max) I would not wake up so they put me on oxygen and got me to ICU, where I was hooked up to life support and a feeding tube for 3-4 days. After being there for a week, it was my first involuntary Psych ward admission and I swore I would NOT be "saved again" and to deal with those docs and crazy meds that fucked me up worse. That's why this one has been a lot of planning, preparing, and making sure everything was perfect, and would not affect those around me, and I would be at peace by myself somewhere that I want to be the last thing I see.
I tried to paraphrase best I could while still being informative. And I tried to only mention the ones that were "memorable".
If you made it through all of this Thank You . If you didn't it's okay I understand that was still A LOT.
*Thank you to everybody accepting me into this community.
*Thank you to the mods for giving us place to come to in our time of suffering.
*Thank you for all the information on methods and peaceful ways to ctb.
*Thank you to all the kind souls around this forum the ones still with us, and the ones we've lost.
*Also taking a moment for all of the ones we have lost, but knowing they are finally at peace. You are missed and not forgotten!
I will see you soon you beautiful souls.
I Love You All . <3
and I am sorry that you feel the need to be on this forum in the first place, nobody deserves to feel this.
but take the time and enjoy the community that we have been given, and do your best to keep it around
for all of the others who will come across it. BE NICE AND LOVE EACH OTHER! weareallinthistogether.
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