Hi everyone, Helen here.
Thank you for the few who have checked up on me the past few nights. I am fortunately still alive. I
will be dead within the next couple days. There are no exceptions to that comment. Nothing short of a miracle will be able to save me. I'm afraid of where my relationship will turn up at with a woman who I enjoy spending my time with. She had openly talked about things in "her closet" for a lack of better words. In fairness I had respectively commented about mine. She had opened up about cheating in prior relationships. One of them had included emotional cheating -- something that I became a victim of last year when I was in an active relationship with another woman. Even if this current woman brings me happiness, she would "make me a total mess" (in her own words the other night when we had talked about this) if she did it again. Something that made me extremely vulnerable, hurt, and a wreck. She had made a comment that this was nothing but a joke. I laughed it off without making mention of how badly that comment had hurt me.
Some circumstances in my life had happened that I don't want to pry into. I'm sure within some capacity judging from my last posts that you all could figure out what happened. It isn't that difficult. For the sake of my anonymity I would rather not talk into specifics regarding the situation.
There's no looking back now. Death is my final journey. With the passing of a streamer who I had supported for the last couple years, seeing how he ultimately succumbed to his disease of mental health, I will be joining the same path. My depression is cancer. It has only grown and mutated all throughout my mind, that the only way of curing me is through me being dead. These past few weeks having access to my lethal agent of choice has made me feel if I were diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
I was born a victim when I was conceived. All I had ever wanted in life, with the exception of being a woman (I was transitioning for a period of time; HRT had gave me some negative side effects), was someone who could comfort me in times where I needed the most. Maybe this woman I'm seeing now would be that one. Her and I overlap in some aspects. It is just a bit difficult, I guess, to continue weighing her down with fake happiness. Maybe she thinks about it that night I had told her about wanting to die. Maybe she still reflects on it but doesn't open up to me how I am feeling. Perhaps she's afraid. There is no way I could have that conservation with her. I'm going to feel bad because tomorrow she is wanting to give me a gift that she picked out. I even had noticed the other night she made herself smell beautiful. Something that I thought was really nice that she'd smell beautiful just for me. There's something about her that is very charming of her always wanting to me around me. It's something that I've always desired.
I worry a lot of how she'll react to my death. Perhaps I should make it clear to her that it wasn't her fault. I care about the people who will hear about my death. Even the ones who have done wrong in my life. I am afraid of friends online hearing about me in some capacity. I've made a note mentioning the communities I'm apart of.
I am very sick. A message from a lost cause. A person who has suffered a terrible life -- a life that is a nonstop emotional roller-coaster ride. The only fortunate thing that has came out of my life was never living a life of poverty. I've been fortunate to live a pretty high-end life with a father who has always been the bread winner. Fortunate to have a free ride in university without much debt.
If I go through with my plans, I will post a picture of my dog I had put down last year and a message about her. Hoping to share a memory of her that will positively reflect the members and guests on the forum. She meant a lot. I hope, if such afterlife exists, I will get to see her one last time. Things may have been different if she was still apart of my life. She seemed to get me through the worst times. I will never forget what she meant to me.
I'll check up on you all in a few more days.
Goodbye for now. PM's are open if you want to chitchat. I'm always down for a good chat.
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I can't stop thinking about this woman. Will my death have an impact on her? Will she be destroyed? Does she ever think about the type of person that I am mentally? Would this trigger her to kill herself or harm herself? Should I ride this relationship, wherever it takes me, and then redecide? This is such an unfortunate situation that I'd never expect myself to be in. Every night we're always chatting away until it's close to our bedtimes. We've shared a couple beers together. Last night we both got mildly drunk watching some movie that I've never watched. She shared a lot of laughs with me. Snorted a couple times around me. She has all the good intentions. She doesn't know that I'm just wearing a mask. I like her, a lot. We've been exclusive for a little bit now. Someone who i could eventually proudly tell people "That's my girlfriend!".
Meanwhile I know that my happiness relies on other's for happiness. I wish people would include me in their activities. I would definitely be down. It's just hard. You know?
I'd love to hear from any of you. Apologies with how long this post was. I rather have too much detail and little substance.
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@HelensNepenthe im sorry the battle was too much for you and no one could calm the storm . I hope you'll come back to tell us you're still fighting but I.fear the worst. :(
Living Sucks,
In a few days the monsoon of my life will eventually come to an end. I appreciate you, from the bottom of my heart, sharing a few hours out of your day to talk to me online.
