Death is staring at me at the front door

[HelensNepenthe]

Help me. I'm done. I'm done I'm done I'm done. I'm done I really am done! Fuck why I am I like this?????

FUCK helP ME

IM GETTING CLOSE IM NO LONNGER SOUND OF MIND

MY DYSPHORIA HAS RIPPED ME TO SHREDS. Childhood abuse.Witnessing two people in my family attempt suicide. One was someone close to me who locked themselves into a bathroom,crushed some pills, and then drank them convincing me they no longer were loved by anyone or myself. I've been abused emotionally. My mom told me long ago I should have been aborted because her children prior to my conception Were aborted. Bad manic episode of bipolar.

I'm so fucking sorry. I'm pathetic. Sorry for ever coming to this place in January last year. I'm so fucking unstable. A mess. A crazy fucking mess. Fucking god awful.

I can't begin to process myself. It's becoming unbearable. The pot is almost overflowing.

uncontrollable amounts of emotions right now. Too much to process in my dim witted self.

I'm crushed. I don't know what to do. I miss my dog. She was one of the few people who could talk to me. She knew the pain. She was beautiful. I saw her photos from last year on my phone. Her precious eyes. Her precious character. I miss her. Come back please. I held her when thedoctors administrated her lethal overdose of medication. I'm crying right now. I want to see her. I'm a life long atheist but please let me see her once more. I love her.

itll be over soon. Hopefully. Maybe it'll be tonight. Maybe it'll be tomorrow. Maybe it'll be soon. You know? It's a bad episode. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassing my character on the forum by posting this word dumP. Im trash.

My depression has built enough momentum and heat. My lead walls that prevented my CTB are gradually melting. I'm combusting. It's over.

I can't do it. No way. Helen, it's over. Your time is up.

I wish I had my childhood. I hate how I had to grow up quick. Mother is an addict. Dad was abusive. Emotional trauma. Physical abuse. I'm sorry. I wish it didn't happen to anyone. I wish it didn't happen to me. My innocence was taken from me. I couldn't experience childhood. They took one thing away for me that made me the way I am. A fucking disgusting tranny. I'm so fucking pathetic.

take me tonight. Take me out. Let me go. Let my parents reflect on their bullshit. They fucked me. I'm garbage.

unappreciated bastard over here. A life of abuse.

a system that failed me. Fuck the doctor who stood me up when I paid weekly to come see them. Suddenly forgot about me. I haven't been to a psychiatrist ever since!! Or therapy!! See whereI am now??

I was intended to be a woman. I was born intersex disorder. I'm hurting. Everything could be terrible in my life besides one thing. Let me be a natal woman!! I wish I was!! I hate being stuck in a body I don't represent. My voice. My testosterone. Genitals. Scent. Build.

fuck I'm so bad!!! Ugly!!!!

CAN THIS EPISODE STOP???! FUCK MY HEART IS RACING. MY BRAIN PLEASE STOP HURTING ME.

THIS IS HELEN. IVE HID A FACADE. I NEVER TALK ABOIT MYSELF. IM HURTING. ITS COMING SOON. I KNOW IT IS. DEATH. YOURE STARING AT ME. TAKE ME IN GENTLY. SHOW ME WARMTH. SHOW ME CARE. EVEN IF ITS IN ALL QUIET. I WANT TOUCH I WANT SOMEONE TO BE SENSITIVE WITH ME. LOVE ME. CARE FOR ME. IM SORRY ALL. WHATEVER I DID AT CONCEPTION UNTIL NOW. I DIDNT INTEND FOR IT. I DONT KNOW WHAT I DID TO BE ABUSED. MAYBE THEY ALL FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES. I DONT WEAR THEIR SHOES.

ITS A CONSTANT FLOW OF EMOTION. NEGATIVE THOUGHTS OVERFLOWING. SENSORY OVERLOAD. THIS IS THE KEY. IVE ACCEPTED DEATH. ITS MY MOVE NOW. ITS LIKE A GAME OF CHESS METAPHORICALLY. CHECKMATE. HELEN HAS CEASED TO EXIST.

IM REALLY DEVASTATED RIGHT NOW. IVE EDITED THIS POST SO MANY TIMES. I DOMT KNOW ANYMORE.

 

[smile418]

I wish I could help you. I really do. But sadly we are all alone in this world. If you want to PM, of course we can talk.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

I feel similiar, so i doubt i could help you as im a mess as well right now, but if you can, please send mr death my way. My doors are wide open 24/7.. He is welcome any time..

 

[Brink]

Absolutely breaks my heart to see you in this much pain @HelensNepenthe. After always being so thoughtful and there for everybody else and the cause, I'm glad you're opening up — please don't feel embarrassed or the need to filter the OP. Thank you for sharing. I know it won't help much if at all, but I hear you, I'm sorry, and you don't deserve what you've been through. As a fellow individual who's suicidal, had a rough start and a gender and sexual minority, I'm always here for you to vent or to talk things through.

 

[FriendofDeath]

This might sound weird at this time but - congratulations! You were able to lay it all out, even though a part of you kept telling you to hold back. You needed to get this out - and this is the place to do it - a safe space among cyber friends.

You are strong. How else could you have survived your childhood? And yes, you were denied that phase. You were also exposed to things no one should have to face. Witnessing suicide attempts? Being told you shouldn't be here in the first place? You did absolutely nothing wrong. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Your doctor is full of crap, too! Sounds like they are bordering on malpractice. You seem to be feeling no one is on your side. The loss of your dog is heartbreaking. My cats are such a comfort to me. Your dog is at the Rainbow Bridge. She'll probably knock you over when you next see her.

You are in such a toxic environment. Do you have any options? You might benefit from inpatient so you can get out, rest, evaluate and hopefully find yourself with a doctor that gives a damn.

You're in so much pain. You have been used and abused. It sounds like all you have ever known. Dear Helen, I hope you can find some peace. May light and love surround and protect you. You ARE worth it!

 

[Borabora]

Sending you love & healing light precious HelensNepenthe. I am sorry that your situation has brought you to this point in life. I can understand your circumstance, I have similar poor excuses for parents. A teacher of mine once said, "Why is it that the job of parenting does not need any training or prep work - any fool can have sex. It is the most important job in the world." It is sad that the job of being parents does not require any training or qualifications.

We see all too well the outcome of unqualified people becoming parents - people (in my humble opinion) who have no business birthing people into this world.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I'm so sorry. I get all the feelings your going through. Just end my misery!
Breathe. In and out. We're here

 

[Epsilon0]

Hey there @HelensNepenthe!

I haven't had the pleasure to interact with you on the forum a lot, but I've always loved your user name and appreciated your posts.

I feel your distress, it's coming over me in waves from each sentence of your message. I am sorry you are in so much pain.

. I'm embarrassing my character on the forum by posting this word dumP. Im trash.

Please know you are not embarassing yourself. You are in pain, it is obvious you suffer a great deal, and you need to vent. If writing this thread made your burden even a little lighter, then you did the right thing in posting.

Hang in there! Here's a hug from me. If you need to, scream some more. Hell, I'll even join in, just to keep you company:

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You didn't embarrass your character. You got real.

 

[Brackenshire]

Helen i hear you, you are among friends here and accepted with open arms..sending you a big hug and a kiss on the top of yr head. Talk all you need to, you are among friends.

 

[HelensNepenthe]

I hadn't expected this many people to come around. I'm sorry. I had a very bad meltdown last night. It felt as if I were unconscious yet still alive in a dream. I had expected something like this to come from a bad hallucinogen trip -- yet last night I was 100% sober.

Thank you for all the warm hugs. I'm very sorry. When I get the chance I will reply to each and every single person. I promise.

 

[aedric_artifact]

It's okay. I'm sure the majority of us on this site have had meltdowns. It's okay to vent, especially on a site like this where you will be safe. Lots of love for you,

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I hadn't expected this many people to come around. I'm sorry. I had a very bad meltdown last night. It felt as if I were unconscious yet still alive in a dream. I had expected something like this to come from a bad hallucinogen trip -- yet last night I was 100% sober.

Thank you for all the warm hugs. I'm very sorry. When I get the chance I will reply to each and every single person. I promise.

I think so many people responding may have to do with your good reputation and character. You didn't weaken them, they probably drew support to you because they are strong. When you care about others and show respect and desire for their well-being, they are more likely to respond in kind.

No pressure about replying, self-care is most important right now. You can enjoy all these good vibes sent your way, guilt-free! It was all meant for you to use and enjoy, not add more pressure and suffering, but alleviate suffering.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

Hey, I am truly so so so sorry that you were in such an emotional pain and had to let go into a meltdown. It's natural and it can happen to pretty much anyone. It only means that you are human, nothing wrong with any of it. At first it sounded like you were in a very crushing and unavoidable spot. One that is truly terrifying and leads you to think that it's pretty much over at that point. I... I have had similar experiences like that a lot. I see in a later post you made that perhaps you feel a little better at least? I am thankful that whatever horrible experience you had at the time for now seems to be gone. Please, if you need to vent share or pretty much anything, don't be afraid to do so. Sending hugs your way, I just hope it's over for now, whatever caused you to be in so much pain.

 

[Busdriver]

You are one of the most respected members with a LOT of informative posts. Your contributions are enormous.

It hurts to see how you feel about everything
Life just sucks..

Luckily, you have the golden grail end-of-life agent, N.
You can leave peacefully and never have to experience pain and misery again .

Don't be tough on yourself.

We hope you to stay around a bit longer, because it is more fun to have you around

 

[JoeFailure]

I'm so sorry for what's happened and what you're going through.

Like everyone else has said, we're all here if you need us in whatever way we can help.

Strength always looks different. You're very strong just for making it to this day. It may sound trite, but it's true.

 

[profoundexperience]

I had expected something like this to come from a bad hallucinogen trip -- yet last night I was 100% sober.

I've had episodes where every object in the world became ~"spikey"... and literally every single thing felt like knives stabbing me & I was 100% sober like you. I once nearly fainted from the pain of such an episode in the middle of Trader Joes freezer isle.

May you be free of suffering, @HelensNepenthe .
May you have mental happiness, @HelensNepenthe .
May you have physical happiness, @HelensNepenthe .
May you have ease of well being, @HelensNepenthe .

I so very much appreciate your unfiltered honesty from last night, @HelensNepenthe.

 

[whitefeather]

Helen, your post is beautifully written . The title drew me -
"ITS COMING SOON. I KNOW IT IS. DEATH. YOURE STARING AT ME. TAKE ME IN GENTLY. SHOW ME WARMTH. SHOW ME CARE. EVEN IF ITS IN ALL QUIET. I WANT TOUCH I WANT SOMEONE TO BE SENSITIVE WITH ME. LOVE ME. CARE FOR ME. IM SORRY ALL. WHATEVER I DID AT CONCEPTION UNTIL NOW. I DIDNT INTEND FOR IT

 

[K-O]

Helen thank you for opening up a bit and sharing i know how hard it is..
from one orphan to another i love you.
im grateful for you and this platform cause you just touched my heart and spoke my language.
we were made to feel like scum from the get go.. we share this ongoing struggle..
you're not alone.. you just made me feel less so and i thank you.
x

 

[Broken Chimera]

You're not pathetic. The people who are pathetic are the ones who hurt you. You're a strong person because look what you went through and survived. You're hurting and it's taking it's toll on you. It's only natural to want to lash out after all of that pain.

I had a dog who died so I understand. It's one of the most painful things you can go through, but your dog is at Rainbow Bridge. She doesn't have to suffer anymore.

Your mom is toxic. Idk how old you are, but you need to get away from her for your own mental health. I hope you can heal and you can always pm me if you need to talk.

 

[HelensNepenthe]

Moderators, if I'm not on tomorrow, please self-ban. I've erased my backup codes. I've put 2FA on my account. No one will be able to access it.

Thank you everyone. I firmly believe tonight will be the last night of me on this pale blue dot floating in the Milky Way. There is only so much suffering we can all endure until we reach the point of exhaustion. Life hasn't been a blessing for me. I've never felt comfortable of who I became or what path I've managed to lead myself down. I tired pulling out of this mess last year. i had thought the road of recovery was the life for me with a significant other who cared about me. Situations happened, and she wasn't the one. I have found myself in a similar situation talking with someone who is near me who I don't want to engage in a relationship with. She looks up to me a lot, and even had slipped up late in the night how I was her boyfriend. She went back on her words. Hopefully, at the end of the end of today, she thinks I ghosted her.

HelensNepenthe ultimately will become another statistic. A LGBTQ+ person who has ended their life. Some researcher at a prestigious university will see my coroner report, my mental health record, and see where the system failed me that made me believe no recovery was possible.

To my future girlfriend, who mistakenly called me her boyfriend who then cutely tried to cover it up after I called it, I'm sorry. The facade you looked up to me as a man isn't me. It's what I want people to believe who I am. Deep down I am a circus of mental health problems that I don't want to blow onto you. Ultimately, they will, and they'll manifest much more. I had remembered a comment that your last relationship was shady because he had problems. I told you that wasn't me. Thank you for spending hours with me every night after work and/or college. Fuck, you're going to be devastated. You're going to be really fucking devastated. It's cheesy -- I thought I had met my second half when we started talking. The night you started talking like Trump and you asked me "how did I pick up on that without any inflection"... you giggled. Your rosy red cheeks, your freckles, and those circular glasses that Harry Potter himself has made me feel so fucking happy. When I'm happy, oh god I am happy, and there is no place in between.

To my friend J* who knows about me on this forum, I know you will go on here searching for answers. You've been one of my closest friends. If you come across this post, don't feel afraid to share it with community members. I'll be transferring any ownership or administration to the appropriate people before I cease to eternal sleep.

To yet another J* in my life, who has been my friend since 2010 when we met on an online forum, thank you for being there for me. I don't know how you'll process me never being there again. I had thought about wanting to trip LSD with you. You had made a comment that you wouldn't want to try because your sister, L*, was the only person in your life that you wanted to turnaround -- you wanted her to not be as miserable as the rest of your family -- something like that. Copying another person's words in verbatim is always hard for me.

Family, if you ever came across this forum, I don't know what to tell you. There are many problems that I've hid quite well. I've included some private notes about right-to-die and dying with dignity that I hope you can talk to the appropriate law makers to make some change in our system. The United States deserves to have a movement. Hopefully you can honor my name. Create a vocal movement. Create even another movement that psychiatry is terrible. They're genuinely the bottom of the barrel who were terrible in med school. I request that you give the puppies some love. They're going to miss me. I think about the harsh reality what one of them is going to go through.

To every forum member, I support you and your decisions being here. It's selfish that I don't want any of you to die -- yet I understand where you're all individually at. If it's any consolation, I support you. Please just practice a safe and peaceful way to go. I don't want any of you to suffer. I appreciate deep down every single person on this platform who strives to make it better. The sour apples we've called out, and please continue to call them out. There are a lot of window shoppers who are looking at their prey on this platform. It's a stark, grim reality.

To my teammates, I'm hoping your endeavours in esports takes you to where you want to be. I had loved every moment playing the game, striving to be the very best with you all, and taking a T3 team into T2. Even the darkest of days grinding ladder, it was very enjoyable with you all until our game decided to make it where you could only play in a duo.

To my professors, I know the university will hear about this in some capacity. Continue to improve our program, please. Thank you for allowing me to contribute to a field that is always changing overnight.

- - -

Right now I'm only thinking about the girl I'm talking to for the last two weeks. I don't want her to endure this. I've fucked up. I really fucked up. This domino effect is going to hit someone else. I had remembered in brief talking about my family, in which I had cried, and you had comforted me. It was a savory cry. A cry that felt so good. I'm sorry that you had to witness a suicide in your life, even from afar. The one story about that woman who OD'd who stayed at your apartment was very sad. A year later she would attempt again, a permanent decision that made her never wake up.

Thank you all for sticking by me. In the case I do not go through with it tonight, it'll most likely be sometime within this week. I'll keep you all posted. Private suicide notes will not be shared out of respect to my family. My love letter and my suicide letter titled Nepenthe is something that I've worked on this past year. There's an online section of my life, too. I don't think even while being intoxicated I could send that to any of you all. I don't want to bare my family the stress or harassment from trolls.

- - -

Hold your furry friends tight for me tonight if I take this ride. They're there for you.

- - -

We are a way for the universe to know itself. Some part of our being knows this is where we came from. ... And we can, because the cosmos is also within us. We're made of star stuff,
- Carl Sagan

 

[HelensNepenthe]

Today isn't the day. She called me, and had talked to me about that she worries sometimes when I don't pick up the phone or answer her texts. It happened today when I was out working out and I had left my phone in the car. Some of this panic is because of one of our first few conversations.

She cares a lot, even if it isn't official. I don't think I could do this to her. I am lost.

 

[rhiino]

She cares a lot, even if it isn't official. I don't think I could do this to her. I am lost.

I feel your desparation, I really do. I have tears in my eyes, I am so so sorry for you.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Beautiful @HelensNepenthe ,

I have admired ur compassion, wisdom, and insight from a distance. Now, I also admire ur realness.. up close and personal...Don't ever b embarrassed about expressing your feelings...
U have spoken. We have heard..

I hope u can stay around longer..U have been one of "those" voices--- highly respected, a pillar of this community..

I would love to say, "Stay and fight alongside us!"...But even the best soldiers do get weary..

We love u, beautiful Soldier♡♡♡

 

[FriendofDeath]

I hope you two can find a way to work through this difficult time together, something that will meet both of your needs. Much love!

 

[HelensNepenthe]

She's gone to sleep after crashing on me while watching a movie. I'm going to spend the next little bit processing some replies. Thank you for everyone who participated in this thread, you all mean a lot to me, even from a distance.

@FriendofDeath - Thank you. I am not sure what I should do about her. I know she cares about me, calls me cute, and continues to support me in what I want to do. She's grown attached to me, and I would feel vulnerable and scared if she had CTB'd. I do like her, a lot. A fantastic woman.

@Lostandfound7 - Everyone here is grateful to have you on this forum. I wrote on your profile months ago that you have a way of words. Your writing is close in spirit how your friend would talk to you if you had a rough night. Very intimate, straight to the point, and very compassionate. Thank you for building me up when I feel that I haven't done much for this community. Me spilling some of my lack of confidence isn't the point of this thread. Please take care.

@rhiino - I'm in a lot of pain. A lot of discomfort being trans while still identifying as male. It's a part of me where I don't feel like myself. Definitely a work in progress.

@Broken Chimera You had talked about my mother. I'm not in the best of situations to move out. I'm in my early 20s, still in university, and have barely any money to get my own place. It very much sucks. This pain has been built up for awhile. I've never had an outlet to talk openly about them. My last psychologist broke my trust. It was enough to keep me quiet.

@K-O I feel you're similar to Lostandfound7 in some ways. You have a way of speaking on the forum that is very natural to human speech. Thank you for feeling me, as much as I felt for you in how much pain you're going through. A lot of people on the forum look up towards you.

@whitefeather I'm glad that I was able to touch you. I've become comfortable with the transitioning from living to dying. It'll be the most comfortable moment in my life -- and I won't even begin to be conscious about it.

@profoundexperience - There was something about me having to write down this mental breakdown. Words could not describe it without actually typing it. It would have felt artificial if I had just explained it without the actual wave of emotion.

@JoeFailure - I'm trying!! You're so very kind to me -- even if I'm just a stranger. It's impressive how a lot of you are this kind to some random folk floating on the World Wide Web on a pro-choice forum.

@Vorty27 - There was some temporarily relief that I got from writing this out. It continued for a couple more hours after this post. I had a close friend, J*, talk me down on the phone what I had experienced. It was a genuine blackout. Without them talking me down, I probably wouldn't have remembered much of the mental breakdown.

@GoodPersonEffed & @Epsilon0 - Allow me for a moment to combine both of you in a reply. Both of you are fantastic contributors to this forum. Both of you are so educated, very articulate in both of your respective writing styles, and very informed on philosophy. It's rare to meet people who bring their art of writing onto a forum.

Epsilon, it would be nice if you could join me in another scream of pain. Even if the moment of screaming is only a temporary one!

GPE, I hadn't really thought of myself that much! I try to be open, informative, and honest. Even if my skepticism gets to me.

@aedric_artifact - Love you. I hope you're doing okay!

@Busdriver - Having N in my possession probably has triggered for me to escape. It's just convienent timing that I started talking with someone who I have grown a closer relationship with. if she wasn't apart of my life, genuinely think I would have gone. First I'd have to clean my room before going. Right now it's settling to be an obvious example of what depression is. Thank you for the words. It means a lot. From one folk who is suffering to another, please take care of yourself.

@thebrinkimdriven If it isn't invasive, would you mind speaking a little bit more about your experiences with sexuality and gender? I'm having a hard time ever going back on HRT. At the time it felt right. Now it feels like I'm going to regret myself. I also don't know how to ever open about it without feeling the other person want to break up with me if I say I'm trans.

@Brackenshire - Thank you for the words

@FriendofDeath - Used and abused is all I've known. From birth when my mom had cheated on my dad, to my mom emotionally abusing me, to my dad's physical abuse, and the list goes on. I continued to experience abuse from relationships. Two of them stand out. That's another conservation for another day. I've briefly talked about them on the forum. About the inpatient program -- I'm afraid my parents would rummage through my stuff in my room and remove my lethal agents. CTB is really important to me. I feel hopeless. Very little right in my life; mostly all wrong for a few exceptions.

@Borabora - Very accurate. It's made me have a stance on being anti-natalist. Yet, I find myself wanting to have children and protect them from the harsh reality. That's if I'm continuing to make it through life. I haven't even experienced much of the real world besides college and working retail. Some IT here and there.

@smile418 - Noted. Thank you. Expect something soon.

 

[K-O]

hi H love x
when i was a child i identified as a boy.. my mom used to dress me up with dresses and i would change clothes at school i was in love with my best friend and then her parents banned me from their home and denied us our friendship (years later her dad was accused of molesting her so probs he was on to my feelings towards her and wanted her to himself that mf bastard) it was only when i grew boobs and realized this new superpower then i decided to succumb to being more fem but i was always detached from my body identity tbh.. probs due to also being raped at young age and molested by my godfather and also abused by my mom etc.. in my late teens i felt more straight but then fell in love with a girl and we were lovers that led to my getting thrown out of my house by my mom which was the best thing that could have happened.. i could start exploring sexuality life and experimenting.. thing is i never put my self in a sexual\mental box.. it was only society that demanded that so it changes.. that girl was a lesbian but she never let me fully in and that hurt me back then cause i was much more open and sacrificed a lot so we could be together.. not long after we broke up she started hormones and had hes breasts removed and identified as trans but today hes slowly starting to shed those identities again and excepting himself just as a human also questioning all those years of pain and struggle with hormones and the language and feedback etc.. our identity is so personal fluid and delicate but constantly feels like everyone inside your f nickers so one cannot feel ok about just being. i think parents maim us bad! but that make us grow new limbs, i wish you love my friend.. gosh this was a bit long (excuse) but its such a complex important issue and ive got lots more to say and im interested if you want to share.. im not at all merged with myself in those ways that still course much pain.. but if you wish we could always kiki in pm. pls take care. x hug x

 

[Nipuedoniquiero]

Don't say you are embarrassing yourself for writing your feelings. It's the situation you are in. My life and my mind is a mess too, and uncontrollable mess. But you know the good thing we got N and we can end it whenever we want to.

I know how you feel cause I got a condition that makes me feel less of a woman and more like a man. And I get mistreated whenever I show it, cause it's not common for a woman. So somehow I understand you not feeling yourself in your own body, cause I don't either.

Well hopefully, you just feel better by now and have got some rest and a bit of piece of mind. Try to sleep as much as you can.

Hugs.

 

[jgm63]

So sorry to hear you're suffering.
We love you.
I hope you feel a little better soon.
Sometimes just distracting yourself and passing time can be valid strategies......

 

[Lostandfound7]

Ty so much for ur kind words..I am truly moved to tears..

If I could fly u out to NY and wrap my arms around u, I promise I would..I would lock u in my house n protect u from the world...(Not in a kidnappy, derangey type of way..lol)..

This FUCKED up world has caused another kind, caring, compassionate, delicate soul to consider taking their exit...ty world.

If there is anything I can do, plz let me know..I love u, Beautiful Soul..