Still alive and not happy about it. Been staying alive to finish projects, articles, etc., and clean because my place is a pigstye and I don't want to leave that to someone. It occurs to me that there's a lot I don't want to leave to others, and in an ideal world I would just disappear. I think that if I had a more concrete plan, not just for methods but for all of these hanging threads like all the books etc. in my home, that that would be good. I haven't thought through everything though and wish I had someone who had experience marshalling others out of life to help me out with this. The emotional support to work towards and eventually take my life is something I need too. It's so hard to actually act. I've tried so many times recently- had auto-email message set up and had the gun and went to do it, but little things like "this is too close to the road" have stopped me from acting. In an ideal world I would disappear and never be found. Needing to make arrangements for my dog limits my ability to truly do that. I need to just get over the shame of suicide and act. I have wanted this for so so long. Have done all the damned 'reach out' things. Few people know I'm as depressed as I am. I tripped my team lead's concern because I had my camera off the first zoom meeting of the new year- but I don't think she or anyone at work really has any idea about my depression or suicidality. When my team lead reached I actually thought she was going to deliver bad news about my direct supervisor who had covid. So I think she sees me as someone who is tracking others' well-being but not neccesarily as someone who is struggling myself. Rambling now. Just wanted to say that i wish I could work with someone to help me plan how to end it and to give me support to end it. I really resent how hard it is to actually act.
Worndown
Visionary
- Mar 21, 2019
- 2,876
Most of this is available on this site. Someone to vent to and someone to ask if your idea is good or not. Maybe not to the point if planning, but vetting out the lesser ideas.
