Venting Dealing with Sexual trauma

[spooky_kxtty]

I hate how much my mind thinks of the past, mainly sexual trauma.

It oddly gets worse the longer it's been. I never felt the effects the last time it happened, all the way till the hangover; that's when I only just started to feel them. But the more it happens you start to get into this mindset that that's just how the world is and there's nothing you can do about it, so it doesn't surprise you and effect you as much at first because you accept shit happens and some people just get unlucky and get sexually assaulted and raped. Nothing no one can do about it with the way the court system is and how the world is in general. The more I think about it and everything that happened the less I think the latest one truly was sorry after apologizing. I believed him at first because he's my partners older cousin, but another girl stated he was a bit touchy with her when drunk as well, and remembering back when he asked for my age thinking I looked really young for just turning 18, and only being tipsy when he put his hands on me without permission and me being too drunk to do shit.

And no one ever talks about when you consent without truly wanting it. That took away my "firsts" for almost everything. My first kiss I never wanted but consented anyways, my first time having sex was the same thing, one of my relationships was pressured for hours, my first time sucking dick was a sa. I may have consented in some but even then, the uncomfortable sick feeling was still a thing every time and is now something I'm mostly used too unless I'm raped by someone I don't trust or have feelings for. And with my heart being completely dead for years, the toxic environment I'm always in, my trust issues, my lack of sex drive that was taken away, and all my trauma in general, I find it hard not to give up every day and just CTB. My mind still has a funny way of always bringing up the cracks of the past no matter how painful and blurry..

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, spooky. Sorry to hear that your past trauma is plaguing you, and that it's getting worse. I think that happens a lot with people who are sexually abused, things kinda being okay for a little while and then gradually getting worse. At least, that's how it was with my Aunt. I don't really know all the details (no one ever told me, for good reason) but I do know she was raped in some capacity by another family member. Historically there's been a lot of sexual abuse in my family. My mom and my aunt both got molested. So did my grandma on my mom's side. Two of my three uncles did too. The third uncle was a molester himself. My dad molested my older sister when she was young, and my older brother molested me, though I was lucky enough to not experience trauma from it thus far. Just a thing that happened, and if I'm being honest, I didn't really mind. But I'm getting off subject.

Of everyone involved, my Aunt got it the worst. She was the only one ever well and truly raped, and she never really recovered from it. I didn't know it at the time, but she had nightmares. I guess they weren't too bad at first, but gradually got more frequent and vivid over time? And then one day she didn't want to face the nightmares anymore. She left a note, and OD'd on one of her medications. I remember being really hurt by it at the time; I was her favorite nephew. But I understand.

This sort of trauma, it never really goes away. I don't know that everyone experiences it getting worse to the same extent my Aunt did, but enough do at least for it to be a recognizable pattern. I hope yours doesn't get that far, if it hasn't already.

And you're absolutely right about how damaging consent by pressure can be. It robs you of an experience that should be good and wonderful, and leaves you feeling slimy. Like you need to take a shower, except no amount of showers can fix it. That shouldn't have happened to you, and your partners should have known better. It's awful that you have to live with the consequences of all this.

Try not to be too harsh with your brain though. As awful as it is to feel and go through, it's just trying to process old wounds so it can find a way to heal. You've suffered a whole lot up to this point, it's not surprising at all that your psyche keeps trying to take you back. It doesn't know how to let go, and that isn't your fault. It's just a thing that is going to happen, and it isn't worth hating your mind for doing what it must to try and move past everything that's happening to you.

You mentioned living in a deeply toxic environment. Do you have any kind of safe space where you can process all this trauma and let some of it out? I'm going to guess the answer's probably no, but it's worth asking regardless. I'm relatively new to the forum myself, so I don't know if there's a dedicated space on the forum for victims of sexual assault to share their experiences, but perhaps being able to connect with other people who've been there might make some of this a little easier to deal with.

Regardless, I'm hoping this gets better for you. No one deserves to be caught in a spiral of their own trauma. And if it doesn't get any better, we're here.