Discussion Dealing with loneliness after deciding to ctb

[LogicalConclusion]

I've been feeling the crushing weight of loneliness a lot lately in the wake of deciding to ctb. I love this site and appreciate that the mods give us this place to be honest in what is likely our darkest time, and I love being able to talk to people here who understand. But I think many will understand when I say that it is very lonely being unable to communicate with loved ones about such a decision, or even talking about the problems leading up to that decision without telling them you're going to ctb. I used to process things that happened to me by talking to friends because I tend to need another person's perspective to make sure I'm understanding things correctly/am not being crazy and unreasonable. If I don't do this processing in some fashion, my brain can't deal with it and it all piles up until I have an autistic meltdown or shutdown (am being literal, I have autism, just to clarify that this isn't a joke in poor taste).

Now, I know that I have to be careful of what I say and to whom because obviously I don't want anyone to get in trouble when I ctb because "they knew and didn't do anything." So with that in mind, I tried to talk to one of my best friends who lives in the Netherlands because he finally messaged me asking if I was okay and I thought he'd understand, he lives in a country that has a process for euthanasia, and I could bring that up to gauge his response and if it went badly, just play it off as a bad joke. Well, it ended up with basically "I'm here for you" but in such a way that seemed to me like "this conversation is over." This has been the result of pretty much every "hey, haven't seen you around in awhile, how are you?" conversation I've had, if I've said anything beyond "sorry, I'm alright, just really exhausted." I feel like people are only asking so they can feel like they've done the right thing, not because they want to help. And really, all I need is someone to hear me. But I can't be honest with them. So I feel terribly lonely and don't really know what to do. Self-harm thoughts are coming up again, everything is overwhelming...idk. :/

How do y'all deal with this sort of thing and the loneliness? Have you been able to be honest with your loved ones at all? (Even if you haven't told them about your decision) I feel like all of this would be so much easier for everyone involved if society didn't make suicide so taboo and we could discuss these things honestly

 

[DreamCatcher]

I couldn't really be honest either. I had one really good friend that I tried to explain it to, tried to explain the pain of life and everything and she thought I shouldn't give up no matter what. After that I just told her everything was fine and normal and I decided I'd CTB without informing anyone I know in advance. I still have really good friends and some good family, but I can't tell them the whole truth, they just wouldn't understand.

I think that's why most people that CTB surprise their family when they thought everything was normal and good, because they tried to tell them in some way but their family didn't understand so they just gave up trying to explain and just pretended to be happy until the end.

I'm not really sure why people are so against it, even I was for the longest time even though I understood why. I tried to talk my friends out of it even if they had good reasons and sensible logic. I think it's just something people do I think. I'd suggest being friendly and keep communicating with people you like, and just avoid that particular topic with anyone.

I wish it wasn't taboo too. Death is a part of life for everyone.

 

[ManWithNoName]

You've touched on some very good points about human interaction these days in the era of social media. I can't speak for your friends, but all I can say is that many people do care, but are afflicted with 'plugged in' syndrome, resulting in having the attention span of a housefly, and the inability to truly comprehend what is being said to them in the moment.

And I get what you mean about that conversation of your friend saying "I'm here for you" as opposed to saying something more along the lines of "I'm here for you, and please let's find a time to talk / video chat if you are feeling really bad, man."

But the reason to ctb should have less to do with friends and more to do with "what do you get out of life?" - things like work - (work that gives you a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment) and recreation are two main factors. Friends are good to have, and unfortunately we are social animals so we can't live in isolation (some people can but they are rare), even I wish I could.

And just be prepared for the possibility that if you disclose your intent to ctb to anyone close to you, it could result in them bailing on you. Not that they do not care, because I'm sure they do. But today most majority of people simply cannot handle intense stuff. I don't know how old you are, but this is quite true with the younger generation of today.

 

[Vegrau]

I told everyone I know about it. How they take it, how they perceive it, what they think of it. Doesnt matter to me the slightest. I told them so that we can solve any remaining lingering misunderstanding and feelings. I am giving everyone a chance to end it once and for all. To leave no regret. To say whatever they want. To be honest with each other for once in their life. Yet no one will tell the truth. What a disappointment.

I did my part and thats all that matters to me. As for loneliness. I haven't felt lonely for years. I like being alone. I hate it when people disrupt my peace. I dont like interacting with people. I dont like talking to them. I just dont like them. I gave them countless chance. It just wont work. Simply because I wont change for them and they can never accept the way I do things. So its not worth the effort. What for when people will misunderstood you no matter what because theyre just too inept to understand what youre trying to do? I dont need that.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

You've touched on some very good points about human interaction these days in the era of social media. I can't speak for your friends, but all I can say is that many people do care, but are afflicted with 'plugged in' syndrome, resulting in having the attention span of a housefly, and the inability to truly comprehend what is being said to them in the moment.

And I get what you mean about that conversation of your friend saying "I'm here for you" as opposed to saying something more along the lines of "I'm here for you, and please let's find a time to talk / video chat if you are feeling really bad, man."

But the reason to ctb should have less to do with friends and more to do with "what do you get out of life?" - things like work - (work that gives you a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment) and recreation are two main factors. Friends are good to have, and unfortunately we are social animals so we can't live in isolation (some people can but they are rare), even I wish I could.

And just be prepared for the possibility that if you disclose your intent to ctb to anyone close to you, it could result in them bailing on you. Not that they do not care, because I'm sure they do. But today most majority of people simply cannot handle intense stuff. I don't know how old you are, but this is quite true with the younger generation of today.

Sorry, I may not have been clear or you may be misunderstanding; I'm not deciding to ctb because I'm lonely (not entirely, anyway, but that's probably a minimal percentage of it), I'm just more lonely since making my decision because I've pulled away from almost everyone to hopefully minimize negative impact and because I know I can't talk about it. I'm not able to work, don't have extra money for recreation, am not able to take care of myself on my own, and it's extremely difficult to leave my house on my own.

I think you're right, though, most people are too involved with other things to really listen (I don't mean that as something bad about them, just that that's how things are naturally), or they don't know what to say or how to handle it. It's not something I can really fault them for, I can't even find therapist or anything that can handle my issues, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it's still disappointing. Also, I'm 26 but I have friends from ages 21 up to 55.

 

[Weems]

I know the feeling, @LogicalConclusion. That's why this place is so great. Helps with the impossible loneliness.

Once you decide, your world becomes your coffin. You realize that your experiences aren't part of something bigger anymore. They aren't going to be passed on or tied into a story. None of this will even be remembered.

 

[Roger]

When I concluded that I had to die soon, I tried to inoculate my family by mentioning my feelings, so that, hopefully, it would be just a little bit less of a shock as and when I did it.

I got an earful from an in law whose father killed himself several years ago, telling me just how awfully that event had impacted on her blood family, splitting them apart with recriminations which have lasted 30 years.

Also, I was told that I was frightening other family members (in their 20's) and so since then I have been careful not to mention the subject to them.

I get questioned about the possibility of "self-harm" every time I visit my GP (who doesn't seem to want to say the word "suicide") and for reasons which will be known to everybody on this forum, I always deny any such feelings.

In fact, this forum is the only place where I can be up front, and it is why I spend so much time here.

I decided that I would try and get by, day by day, until several family events had taken place, and that, to be brutally honest with myself, took a bit of pressure off - it's easy to convince yourself that you will do it, 6 months down the line. It's different, somehow, when you are faced with doing it tomorrow, or the day after.

But now most of those family events have taken place, I must face up to what I intend doing, and I wonder whether I should take a couple of the emotionally strong relatives into my confidence ? They are good, mature men who have seen their share of death and will be ready to console the rest of the family.

 

[Vegrau]

When I concluded that I had to die soon, I tried to inoculate my family by mentioning my feelings, so that, hopefully, it would be just a little bit less of a shock as and when I did it.

I got an earful from an in law whose father killed himself several years ago, telling me just how awfully that event had impacted on her blood family, splitting them apart with recriminations which have lasted 30 years.

Also, I was told that I was frightening other family members (in their 20's) and so since then I have been careful not to mention the subject to them.

I get questioned about the possibility of "self-harm" every time I visit my GP (who doesn't seem to want to say the word "suicide") and for reasons which will be known to everybody on this forum, I always deny any such feelings.

In fact, this forum is the only place where I can be up front, and it is why I spend so much time here.

I decided that I would try and get by, day by day, until several family events had taken place, and that, to be brutally honest with myself, took a bit of pressure off - it's easy to convince yourself that you will do it, 6 months down the line. It's different, somehow, when you are faced with doing it tomorrow, or the day after.

But now most of those family events have taken place, I must face up to what I intend doing, and I wonder whether I should take a couple of the emotionally strong relatives into my confidence ? They are good, mature men who have seen their share of death and will be ready to console the rest of the family.

Dont tell anyone unless youre sure they cannot stop you.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

I know the feeling, @LogicalConclusion. That's why this place is so great. Helps with the impossible loneliness.

Once you decide, your world becomes your coffin. You realize that your experiences aren't part of something bigger anymore. They aren't going to be passed on or tied into a story. None of this will even be remembered.

Yes, this site is wonderful. I just wish I could talk to a few specific friends more openly to hopefully make it easier for all of us, but I know it's very improbable. And sometimes I find comfort in what you said, that I won't be remembered. I mean, for awhile I will...but eventually we all fade out and that's kinda how I feel...like I'm fading out, and I'm okay with that.

I get questioned about the possibility of "self-harm" every time I visit my GP (who doesn't seem to want to say the word "suicide") and for reasons which will be known to everybody on this forum, I always deny any such feelings.

Yeah, any time that such things are brought up as questions to me, I deny it. And I don't so much as mention the thought or urge to do so, even if I have no intent on acting on it, because people automatically jump to hospitalization and that does not help me because they do not treat chronic issues, they stabilize acute conditions and release you.

I decided that I would try and get by, day by day, until several family events had taken place, and that, to be brutally honest with myself, took a bit of pressure off - it's easy to convince yourself that you will do it, 6 months down the line. It's different, somehow, when you are faced with doing it tomorrow, or the day after.

But now most of those family events have taken place, I must face up to what I intend doing, and I wonder whether I should take a couple of the emotionally strong relatives into my confidence ? They are good, mature men who have seen their share of death and will be ready to console the rest of the family.

I hear you; I'm waiting at least a week after my partner's birthday (so the soonest I could ctb is July 4th). In the meantime, I'm practicing compressing my carotids and getting comfortable and competent with it so I can go when I want to, once letters and delayed e-mails are written up and such.

I don't know where you live and can't tell you what would be best as far as telling those specific people in your life about your decision, but I'd advise caution in what you say and how you say it just so there isn't some kind of legal issue. That's what I get paranoid about, anyway. I hope that it works out, whatever you decide is best

Edit to add: If you aren't able to talk to them in person for whatever reason, you could also leave them a letter explaining things to them so they can help your family understand and cope :)

 

[not_a_robot]

I told everyone I know about it. How they take it, how they perceive it, what they think of it. Doesnt matter to me the slightest. I told them so that we can solve any remaining lingering misunderstanding and feelings. I am giving everyone a chance to end it once and for all. To leave no regret. To say whatever they want. To be honest with each other for once in their life. Yet no one will tell the truth. What a disappointment.

I did my part and thats all that matters to me. As for loneliness. I haven't felt lonely for years. I like being alone. I hate it when people disrupt my peace. I dont like interacting with people. I dont like talking to them. I just dont like them. I gave them countless chance. It just wont work. Simply because I wont change for them and they can never accept the way I do things. So its not worth the effort. What for when people will misunderstood you no matter what because theyre just too inept to understand what youre trying to do? I dont need that.

Everyone I've told has told me they hate me and they want me to do it.
It was nice to see them be honest for the first time in their lives.

 

[Alec]

I feel like it would be easier if it wasn't a taboo too. It kills me, the loneliness and no, I have no idea how to deal with it. I've started getting panic attacks every time I think about how alone I am and I have no idea what to do. It's been almost 3 months of this now and all I can do is keep breathing one breath at a time, sometimes even that seems impossible and once I do that I feel completely exhausted to do anything else so I spend all my strength on just breathing.

 

[Weems]

Everyone I've told has told me they hate me and they want me to do it.
It was nice to see them be honest for the first time in their lives.

Damn, is THAT what middle-aged people are like? Maybe I should check out at 30

 

[been_there]

The age isn't the issue, the personality is. Its so big for most people to talk about, wtf do they say? People here can make a better go of it than most, cos they've been there, or are there, and have some idea of the mindset. If you're gonna go, you have to make peace with it and own it. Even if others have pushed you into the situation. You always have a choice, even if all the choices are shit.

@LogicalConclusion If you're lonely and there's nobody else, then speak here.

@Weems wtf is your avatar?

 

[Vegrau]

Everyone I've told has told me they hate me and they want me to do it.
It was nice to see them be honest for the first time in their lives.

I wish they would do the same. Carrying that much lies is just filthy lol. I just want to know the truth. I already knew it. I just want to hear them say it. Their reasons.

Lying to keep up the facade. Status quo. The damn god damn "sociability". I am so sick of these lies. They all can screw themselves with it. Like pigs that cannot stop covering themselves with filth. And they wondered why I distance myself from people. If only they have mirror.

 

[been_there]

@Vegrau Death and honour? A man must have a code? Absolute truth? Humanity will always let one down. What's worse is thinking and believing and being ambitious for humanity is the most difficult path. Far easier to ignore it all.

 

[not_a_robot]

Damn, is THAT what middle-aged people are like? Maybe I should check out at 30

Well you're already here...

 

[Vegrau]

@Vegrau Death and honour? A man must have a code? Absolute truth? Humanity will always let one down. What's worse is thinking and believing and being ambitious for humanity is the most difficult path. Far easier to ignore it all.

A code? Yes. Its the least anyone can have. Absolute truth? Depend on how deep you can and want go. What you will do get it. I will prefer to die sober than deluded. In a world of selfishness there is no honour. Its just a pretty little lie.

They will let one down. Yet the one they truly let down werent to those that still believe in them. But to themselves. As their failure will mean their extinction. I believe in them. Yet I also know I cannot do anything to change it. Their fate cannot be change. The causality is absolute.

Whether one lie to oneself or not. Its already decided long before we are born.

 

[been_there]

Fatalist. I get it. You can't mess with fate.

But you can sometimes, just to piss it off.

 

[Vegrau]

Fatalist. I get it. You can't mess with fate.

But you can sometimes, just to piss it off.

As long as we cannot change the past. Causality will remain as it is sadly.

But I agree. Why should we follow the rules and games put out by those that comes before us? Why should I accept and bear this way of life? Thats why I wont live my life the same way as them. As a f u to them and this world.

 

[Weems]

Well you're already here...

Never mind the "maybe."

I was talking to a fellow menial laborer the other day. He was 50. I asked him if, given the choice, he would relive the last 20 years. He was visibly startled and said, "Hell no!" I came back with, "See, I should kill myself now, shouldn't I?"

 

[not_a_robot]

Never mind the "maybe."

I was talking to a fellow menial laborer the other day. He was 50. I asked him if, given the choice, he would relive the last 20 years. He was visibly startled and said, "Hell no!" I came back with, "See, I should kill myself now, shouldn't I?"

sigh. I'm so torn between saying "you're young,maybe something will work out" and "yes, exactly."
Do you get drug tested? If I couldn't smoke pot I would have ctb already.
That's just me though, it's not for
everybody. It doesn't make life better, just easier to laugh at.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

@not_a_robot I feel. Weed is what makes me numb enough to be able to somewhat enjoy things

 

[not_a_robot]

@not_a_robot I feel. Weed is what makes me numb enough to be able to somewhat enjoy things

I call it artificial happiness, but better than no happiness at all. It fucks up my SI though. I could get myself to ctb quick if I quit smoking but I hate to die feeing that way, the jagged cold and empty. Ugh. {{{shiver}}}

 

[Weems]

sigh. I'm so torn between saying "you're young,maybe something will work out" and "yes, exactly."
Do you get drug tested? If I couldn't smoke pot I would have ctb already.
That's just me though, it's not for
everybody. It doesn't make life better, just easier to laugh at.

No, everyone in my industry's a pothead. I quit about a year ago...and gradually slid into a psychosis that peaked about eight months ago. I'm never going back.

Little life story for ya. Already had some pretty big mental health problems while younger (college dropout close to finishing). Still happy-ish between weed, coffee, lifting, physical job, books and movies and such. Was getting into some fringe ideas when the psychosis came on...hallucinated...found Jesus...got fired...sent an incredible number of batshit reputation-shredding texts to everyone I know...gradually came to realize I was delusional...fell into extreme depression with suicidality. I quit my (replacement) job and tomorrow morning I fly out to live with my dad. Maybe I'm saying goodbye to him, maybe I'm trying to find my way to a life.

The last few months have been horrible. I really accepted what I had been denying or at least repressing: that I fucked up bigly when I was younger and I can't undo it. In fact, I think of nothing but my failures. The process in the seconds after I wake up is a wonder to behold. For a second or two I'm my ideal self...still a peer to old friends who went on to successful lives...still someone that girl would date...still hopeful. Then I remember where I really am, where 30 years of decisions has brought me. And everything changes.

If I'm going to go on I would need to see myself as some kind of alien who just bodysnatched a 30yo failure and has to learn how to pilot the thing. Extreme mindfulness--watching thoughts from the moment of waking and refusing to attach to any harmful ones.

The silver lining is for once in my life I respect people and things. The downside of this is now good things make me sad, even enraged. Every beautiful song or memory of a good person I've known becomes: "You lived in a world with THAT and THIS is how you behaved?!" What makes me hesitate is the fact that my perspective has shifted so rapidly. Don't want to cast myself into eternity if in a few months I'll start to make progress. But then again, I have an awfully damaged/malformed/never-formed personality, no job skills, no money, and few friends at 30. I might be wrapping things up.

Thanks for reading all that.

 

[not_a_robot]

idk man, that alien pilot shit sounds pretty fuckin cool to me... you are poetic in your misery.

 

[WaterUnder]

Everyone I've told has told me they hate me and they want me to do it.
It was nice to see them be honest for the first time in their lives.

Here's to finding less fucked up people in your life.
Hugs to you. You deserved so much better.
Almost makes you want to live fabulously as a kind of royal "fuck you" to them, doesn't it?
For me, it's more like living in a dual reality. There's the me that functions as normal and the me that's screaming inside. I'm not exactly either person fully. Weird place to be, one always watching what the other one is doing.
Once I'm able to unify my selves into one. . . .

 

[Egddios]

It is indeed a lonely existence once you decide you're going to CTB. It's rare to find anyone, let alone a friend, you can truly confide in and at the very least who will empathize.

I'm trying and sort of failing miserably at "going about my usual business" and concealing what I'm planning to do (exit via night night or hanging). I find myself caring less about whatever appointments I have coming up, I lose track of what day it is...it's almost like all the days blur into one long stretch of anxiety. There are moments of calm, when I'm alone, but around others I feel like i'm - well, i am, putting on an act. It is lonely, I feel like I'm screaming on the inside.

I don't know what's going to happen between now and next Tuesday, which is when I'm supposed to see my psychiatrist next. If I go to that appointment and tell him my plans obviously that will lead to a hospitalization, maybe more ECT treatments. Wish I could disappear into thin air.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

You will not like what I am about to say but hear me out.
Lonely cus you friends don;t share your views?
Let's be honest, NOBODY give SHIT about you, never did and never will. So why are you so concern about what those people gonna think when in fact they NEVER cared before at all. Who are you trying to please? Are you so dependent on what other people say? Thats your food for life? People all LIE LIE LIE.
Be your own person, confident,

If you are considering suicide cus lonely? cus nobody understands? They not gonna care SHIT after your dead either.
Commit to suicide, be disciplined, plan, execute flawlessly, like an assassin on a mission, Focused.

I'm not sure if you're a troll or not, but if you're not, you're entirely missing the point and inferring things that aren't even there. But thanks for reminding me of yet another reason why I don't want to exist anymore :)

 

[Loli]

I don't think your friend intended to end the conversation. It's very hard to find some proper words for situation like yours. Even I, being suicidal myself, very often don't know what to say when facing depressive thoughts of a friend of mine. I'd say this is one of these situations where physical closure is even more important. I don't even imagine what I'd need to say to cheer them up better than by laying with them with beers, movies and head patting them. Seriously.

So yes, I'm sending you virtual head pats right now.

How do y'all deal with this sort of thing and the loneliness? Have you been able to be honest with your loved ones at all? (Even if you haven't told them about your decision) I feel like all of this would be so much easier for everyone involved if society didn't make suicide so taboo and we could discuss these things honestly

I don't. Though I was used to loneliness it's still quite painful. But not as painful as watching me without my happy mask. I'd rather spare this view to anyone who feels concerned about me in any way. My friends are preoccupied with their own lives and I don't want to bring some unnecessary chaos while they're stressed enough because of responsibilities. Even when I'm in the middle of psychotic episode, in a room next to theirs I'd keep my mouth shut. I believe it's better this way, or at least this is what I keep saying to myself. It makes everything a little bit easier but still, it's not easy at all.

 

[jimjoe123]

I'm not sure if you're a troll or not, but if you're not, you're entirely missing the point and inferring things that aren't even there. But thanks for reminding me of yet another reason why I don't want to exist anymore :)

Not troll, sincere observation. BUt I knew it won't be received favorably...my bad for even butting in conversation. from now on I will keep comments and posts only about methods.
Not my life,,Do whatever you wanna do..Good luck.