BeansOfRequirement
Behind the guilt was compassion
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,752
Thought we'd all gather strategies for dealing with being a "person who wants a relationship but doesn't have one". Mental strategies are preferred, as the thread is intended to have an immediate effect on the reader that's scrolling through. So, if it becomes good enough you could bookmark it/copy it and read through it to get reminders of the pieces of reasoning that might help reduce the amount of emotional pain from this condition.
1. You actually don't want a (specific) partner. Reason: do you want to date someone that doesn't want to date you? Answer should be no, which means that there is no one (that you know about) that you actually want to be in a romantic relationship with. Pretty cool, huh?
2. If hetero male, go look at women without makeup online; before and after pics without the makeup might reduce your desires a bit. Works extra well if combined with a porn addiction.
3. Dealing with resentment/envy/anger: Do you actually want people to be like you/in your situation? How would the world look like if everyone was like you? Would you feel safe, would things work well, would people be happier? If not, then it's good that they're having relationships/sex and stuff like that. Even just on a selfish level, you actually benefit from the fact that others' need for intimacy/etc are taken care of (reduced risk of getting attacked by gangs of marauding young men or whatever).
4. Everything is just sensations. From the perspective of mindfulness, there isn't that big of a difference between the physical sensations of hugging a romantic partner and just sitting alone in your basement in meditation. We have guys and gals who literally kill themselves despite having access to physical intimacy with a loving partner, so it can't be super magical or anything. Same with sex, just a slight difference in sensation, really shouldn't be thought of as entering some different dimension in terms of experiential variation (especially if you pull up with your depressive, realistic, nihilistic, robotic, mechanical, physicalistic world view).
5. There's no need to pretend to be someone else. If you're like me, there's no way you could attract someone without (in the best case scenario) not expressing yourself at all. If I would just sit and rant in an honest way, tell people about everything in my past, not have any filter, go by instinct in social situations, do and say whatever I feel like, then I would absolutely not be able to have any acquaintances, much less friends or a girlfriend. I actually have none of those three, but still; nice to not have to pretend to be someone else, or cower in fear with the chemical-weapons-workstation-grade filter activated.
6. Free time. Less sex and dating, more free time. Good if you have something you like to do or if you have some way of making money or whatever.
7. Ability to relax, no need to impress anyone. If there's no chance of getting a girlfriend, there's really no reason (at least for me personally) to put effort into anything. There's also no need to sound smart, look good, or do anything I don't like. Even on this forum, being able to just write stupid shit, dumb jokes, not feeling like I have to mold my mental activity long-term in hopes of becoming more normal/appealing and have socially acceptable ways of thinking as a baseline. Active relaxation, getting good at letting your body rest and recover/save energy when awake.
8. Not getting beaten up by psychopath partner, not getting raped, etc.
9. No divorces/breakups.
10. You can't change the past (stoicism), or the future (hard determinsim).
11. If you had a partner, you wouldn't be you. Isn't it better to just be you, rather than someone else? Not to say that you should reject a partner if the opportunity comes, but at this moment in time; if we somehow stopped time and retroactively changed something about you, then you'd cease to be yourself, no? Then it would basically just be some other guy that has a gf, or whatever, which isn't really super relevant.
12. You're super badass for tanking through this. Some people laugh at PWWARBDHOs, failing to realize that this is (at least theoretically) a lethal injury to the genetic interests, which tends to come with a corresponding amount of psychological distress. Should be on the same level as having your only child die, but this can last for a lifetime, and there's no good period of time beforehand to balance it out.
I'll stop there. Please contribute your own ways of thinking/dealing with this condition. Please pick it up from #13.
1. You actually don't want a (specific) partner. Reason: do you want to date someone that doesn't want to date you? Answer should be no, which means that there is no one (that you know about) that you actually want to be in a romantic relationship with. Pretty cool, huh?
2. If hetero male, go look at women without makeup online; before and after pics without the makeup might reduce your desires a bit. Works extra well if combined with a porn addiction.
3. Dealing with resentment/envy/anger: Do you actually want people to be like you/in your situation? How would the world look like if everyone was like you? Would you feel safe, would things work well, would people be happier? If not, then it's good that they're having relationships/sex and stuff like that. Even just on a selfish level, you actually benefit from the fact that others' need for intimacy/etc are taken care of (reduced risk of getting attacked by gangs of marauding young men or whatever).
4. Everything is just sensations. From the perspective of mindfulness, there isn't that big of a difference between the physical sensations of hugging a romantic partner and just sitting alone in your basement in meditation. We have guys and gals who literally kill themselves despite having access to physical intimacy with a loving partner, so it can't be super magical or anything. Same with sex, just a slight difference in sensation, really shouldn't be thought of as entering some different dimension in terms of experiential variation (especially if you pull up with your depressive, realistic, nihilistic, robotic, mechanical, physicalistic world view).
5. There's no need to pretend to be someone else. If you're like me, there's no way you could attract someone without (in the best case scenario) not expressing yourself at all. If I would just sit and rant in an honest way, tell people about everything in my past, not have any filter, go by instinct in social situations, do and say whatever I feel like, then I would absolutely not be able to have any acquaintances, much less friends or a girlfriend. I actually have none of those three, but still; nice to not have to pretend to be someone else, or cower in fear with the chemical-weapons-workstation-grade filter activated.
6. Free time. Less sex and dating, more free time. Good if you have something you like to do or if you have some way of making money or whatever.
7. Ability to relax, no need to impress anyone. If there's no chance of getting a girlfriend, there's really no reason (at least for me personally) to put effort into anything. There's also no need to sound smart, look good, or do anything I don't like. Even on this forum, being able to just write stupid shit, dumb jokes, not feeling like I have to mold my mental activity long-term in hopes of becoming more normal/appealing and have socially acceptable ways of thinking as a baseline. Active relaxation, getting good at letting your body rest and recover/save energy when awake.
8. Not getting beaten up by psychopath partner, not getting raped, etc.
9. No divorces/breakups.
10. You can't change the past (stoicism), or the future (hard determinsim).
11. If you had a partner, you wouldn't be you. Isn't it better to just be you, rather than someone else? Not to say that you should reject a partner if the opportunity comes, but at this moment in time; if we somehow stopped time and retroactively changed something about you, then you'd cease to be yourself, no? Then it would basically just be some other guy that has a gf, or whatever, which isn't really super relevant.
12. You're super badass for tanking through this. Some people laugh at PWWARBDHOs, failing to realize that this is (at least theoretically) a lethal injury to the genetic interests, which tends to come with a corresponding amount of psychological distress. Should be on the same level as having your only child die, but this can last for a lifetime, and there's no good period of time beforehand to balance it out.
I'll stop there. Please contribute your own ways of thinking/dealing with this condition. Please pick it up from #13.
