Venting Dealing with a break up after being together for 8 years

[lawr]

Like the title says, I have recently been broken up by my ex after being together for 8 years. We have been together since I was 14. She saw and loved me at my lowest and highest points, and she was there with me through so, so many absolutely awful events in my life. I loved her more than anything. Our relationship was really toxic due to her lies and neglect towards me which I was always too petty to forgive. I think there was a point where she was genuinely remorseful about what she has done to me, and frankly, she still appears to be, but that bridge is burned because I couldn't move on from those things no matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard she tried to bargain for my forgiveness. I began to view every interaction with her through the lens of her being a liar and a neglectful partner, which she absolutely was, don't get me wrong, but... I dunno. I always try to see the good in people and despite the things she's done to me there has and will always be a part of me that sees her as a warm, glowing, guiding light that I can safely follow.

I really miss her, and she decided not to cut me out completely, leaving communication between us open in case I need help, but only in the capacity of a friend, not a lover. While I always appreciate my friends this is not ideal for me, as she is quite literally the love of my life. I can't stand interacting with her knowing she is done with me, and it is in my best interest not to interact with her at all so that I can try to move on anyways.

I also can't exactly sit there and tell her that her leaving me is causing me to consider suicide more than I ever have before. It would just upset her further and she would probably try to help by contacting my family, and I'd seriously prefer to ctb rather than let my family know anything about my personal life, much less how depressed I am. That's my worst nightmare.

I deal with grief a lot differently than the average person, I think. When things like this happen to me, I don't feel much for a long while. I've nearly mastered bottling things up over the years. But the grief always eventually hits me like a truck. Anywhere from weeks to ~2 months after a slow buildup, it'll hit me all at once, I'll completely freak out and make all manner of bad decisions. I'm currently pretty depressed but this is still the calm before the storm. I'm somewhat afraid of what I might do when it finally hits me, but what I'm really afraid of is how it's going to feel. I've been through this cycle before many times and I know how bad it is. It's so bad. It hurts so badly. To where I'm lying in bed for hours manically chanting under my breath "please make it stop". I feel like I'm sitting in the waiting room before entering Hell. And I know this time around it's going to be much worse. ctb just isn't an option for me right now so the only thing I'll be able to do is sit there and feel the pain. I'm scared.

 

[Pon]

Keep venting about your feelings, do not let them be bottled up completely!
The more you let them out and the more you feel heard, the easier it will be on yourself.
In reality, that is partly what we all want deep down; to feel understood so that we do not feel like we are completely on our own and unheard, unseen with our struggle.
Even if it will not completely numb the pain from your breakup, I think you should always voice your inner thoughts in a safe space like this where you will not be judged or otherwise.

I am really sorry to hear you're going through this right now, but hang in there, friend! Breakups after such a long term can be devastating.. I wish you all the best and I will be rooting for you for the tough months to come!

 

[lawr]

Keep venting about your feelings, do not let them be bottled up completely!
The more you let them out and the more you feel heard, the easier it will be on yourself.

Ya, that's something I've come to learn recently. I joined this forum just the other day for this purpose and it's been helping, at least a little. I also made a friend online who is quite nice and listens with an open mind. Right now is the first time in my life where I have been able to vent to others without consequences. It's pretty nice. Though I have no choice but to keep things hidden from my family and irl/closer online friends, completely bottling things up is not the way for sure. Thank you for your kind words, Pon.

 

[OminousDarkness]

Y

Like the title says, I have recently been broken up by my ex after being together for 8 years. We have been together since I was 14. She saw and loved me at my lowest and highest points, and she was there with me through so, so many absolutely awful events in my life. I loved her more than anything. Our relationship was really toxic due to her lies and neglect towards me which I was always too petty to forgive. I think there was a point where she was genuinely remorseful about what she has done to me, and frankly, she still appears to be, but that bridge is burned because I couldn't move on from those things no matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard she tried to bargain for my forgiveness. I began to view every interaction with her through the lens of her being a liar and a neglectful partner, which she absolutely was, don't get me wrong, but... I dunno. I always try to see the good in people and despite the things she's done to me there has and will always be a part of me that sees her as a warm, glowing, guiding light that I can safely follow.

I really miss her, and she decided not to cut me out completely, leaving communication between us open in case I need help, but only in the capacity of a friend, not a lover. While I always appreciate my friends this is not ideal for me, as she is quite literally the love of my life. I can't stand interacting with her knowing she is done with me, and it is in my best interest not to interact with her at all so that I can try to move on anyways.

I also can't exactly sit there and tell her that her leaving me is causing me to consider suicide more than I ever have before. It would just upset her further and she would probably try to help by contacting my family, and I'd seriously prefer to ctb rather than let my family know anything about my personal life, much less how depressed I am. That's my worst nightmare.

I deal with grief a lot differently than the average person, I think. When things like this happen to me, I don't feel much for a long while. I've nearly mastered bottling things up over the years. But the grief always eventually hits me like a truck. Anywhere from weeks to ~2 months after a slow buildup, it'll hit me all at once, I'll completely freak out and make all manner of bad decisions. I'm currently pretty depressed but this is still the calm before the storm. I'm somewhat afraid of what I might do when it finally hits me, but what I'm really afraid of is how it's going to feel. I've been through this cycle before many times and I know how bad it is. It's so bad. It hurts so badly. To where I'm lying in bed for hours manically chanting under my breath "please make it stop". I feel like I'm sitting in the waiting room before entering Hell. And I know this time around it's going to be much worse. ctb just isn't an option for me right now so the only thing I'll be able to do is sit there and feel the pain. I'm scared.

You'll get over it after a few years.

 

[Electra]

It was already mentioned, but I'll just second it: keep venting, keep talking, don't shut down.
After some time, it'll feel like you got over it. Don't be surprised if it randomly hits you again. It can definitely happen.
I know how hard it is. I wish you the best and I'm sending you hugs

 

[reverieheart]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish you the best.

 

[ramon]

Lawr,

Thanks a lot for sharing this part of you in this forum.

No matter how hard you try being honest about your situation, I will always fail to fully understand your very complicated situation.

You clearly stated that you're just venting about your situation; but the pain in your words also makes me (mis)interpret your vent post as call for help.

I wish I could provide your with a fix-it-all solution as I've been through a similar (but not the same) situation. Unfortunately I can only offer you my words as just one more option you can either accept or discard on the spot.

Provided you have time and mental stability; which I usually don't have, try to read "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi. This book might help you appreciate and prioritize your future potential (self)love life over your past painful love life.

You can read the book and write it off as not useful, or read it and adapt it to your needs to make your time remaining in this world more enjoyable.

Unfortunately, this book has been associated to different CULTS, so it is highly recommended that you just take what you need from it and STAY AWAY FROM SUCH CULTS!!!

If I would have read this book during my young adulthood, maybe... MAYBE I would have never though of CTB and MAYBE I wouldn't be registered in this forum.

On a different note, I admire your decision on not getting back with your ex. Many times, in many kinds of situations, I didn't walk away like you did and lots o people (not just love interests) walked all over me; which is one of the things that led me to CTB.

CTB or no CTB, I hope you find the state of mind you need and deserve to make your remaining days in this life an acceptable experience.

 

[Sutter]

Sits.

Had some years stacked with another. The weaving of one life to another tattered as though it may be leaves a mess of threads and frayed scraps.

Do not know the snow globe of where you are at. Does seem though there are pebbles that are yours you still hold. After 25 years have two pebbles myself wore out rubbed smooth with my own stares.

Weathered perhaps is the best word for a simple stance. Can dodge, fight, deny, but there are times only a weathering will do.

May very well be your center, your gimble is still there. Separated a bad relationship as your personal sovereignty was trampled. Know those threads of a weaving done are going to be pulled. Often arguments are made for the best of us. Always gave me pause considering something is known by also what it is not. Being the most elated state also has bearing on a dreaded one.

Bottled may not be a good or bad way. Seems a common reaction to shock, may keep you going to digest what is not wanted. Till an accounting can be stumbled through.

Haven't seen it stated as a thought but have found SaSu offers an opportunity for a seeding. Some may read or listen but interaction with another can stir the stale air of solo thoughts. Seed another view or deepen one, moving a thought from one form to another. Much as a wind's slight touch shapes a cloud as it shuffles through the sky.

Be it weathered, washed, or swept away. It'll be different and a where you step after be it standing or crawling, add a pebble as it's a cloud no matter the shape.

Whatever the case may want to bellow a lawr out, may at least embody a tension as it sits with you.