Dead inside. Outcome of emotion denial.

[SipSop]

I was listening to this song:


And I remembered that in my childhood I denied my emotions form various reasons like:
- we were poor so wanting things would have been a burden for my parents,
-my father had monstruous hateful rages withtout any reason or with small provocations,
-my parents were fighting day and night and in order to not amplify the tension I would not complain about the situation and how it was damaging me.

I did this because I was the older brother. And I felt that there were some expectations from me.
Looking back I see that people were considering me a serious person but actually I bottled up the emotions and needs for them and put on a mask in order to not show, what I realise now, that I was actually depressed. Wich I couldn't articulate back then, I didn't knew.

All this at a great cost as I did not developed my emotional spectrum and I realise that I learned to think emotions, not to feel them.
It was like self-defence mechanism in order to not crush and burn.
I now see that I cannot connect like evrybody else, or feel like them.
Emotions guide us to what we like and what we are. But not using them is like denying your own soul.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I have buried my emotions so deep I can hardly feel them I know what its like being the older bro and having everyone look up to you you can't show weakness or everything around you will crash and burn. to this day I still care far more about everyone else far more then myself

 

[SipSop]

I have buried my emotions so deep I can hardly feel them I know what its like being the older bro and having everyone look up to you you can't show weakness or everything around you will crash and burn. to this day I still care far more about everyone else far more then myself

That is exactly what you're told, like is a weakness. You hear that from others and you uncounciously adopt it. You do care about others but where are you in this equation? You give 100% and the returns do not compare to that and you just accept it, because you were told that that means to be a good person.
The bad part of it is that wolrd doesn't work like that. If you want to make something of yourself in this world you need a good dose of selfishness and shamelessness.
Also emotions develop a strong character when practiced. If you don't practice them you cannot stand your ground how you would like to. Thing that is a must for a adult. Conflict of interest is unavoidable for adults. Especially for a man.
Is like we missed a very important part of our development. One that was not nurtured properly and now we must pay the price.

 

[mr.smileysad]

honestly I am fine with not caring about myself as it gives me more time to make others happy which is what means most to me

 

[SipSop]

honestly I am fine with not caring about myself as it gives me more time to make others happy which is what means most to me

If that works out for you then that is fine. And that is all that matters.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I am sorry your kid years were such crap nobody should have to go through that or suppress their emotions so they don't get hurt

 

[After The End]

This thread is incredibly relatable.

 

[SipSop]

I am sorry your kid years were such crap nobody should have to go through that or suppress their emotions so they don't get hurt

Thanks, I appreciate. The damage is done anyway. I cannot get back what was taken from me.
This thread is for people who can relate, who went through similar experiences. A place where they can vent all they want about this matter.
It happened to me, maybe it happened to you also. Best regards.

This thread is incredibly relatable.

This is the point.
If you have a similar experience feel free to unburden yourself if you feel so.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

Similar necessities to deny emotions in my childhood. And I couldn't handle everything: sad, bitter, suicidal-talking mom; derisive father; being molested by my sister; perfection expected with adult responsibilities while a kid.

When I got older, I read about how it's important to feel emotions and communicate them. When my dad & I went to his home country, on the train I asked "how are we getting back to <city>?". He was relentless on how stupid a question that was, even after I said "I got it" multiple times. I got mad, went my own way, and later explained why I got mad: I didn't know <City> International Airport was technically in a town I never heard of. He responded, "yes, there was no way you could have known." I thought it was a breakthrough. But the next morning, he mockingly tells relatives, "this guy. I never know when he's going to be emotional." And that's what sealed the deal for me to never again open up or be vulnerable to him.

One needs a safe place to feel emotions or deal with issues, and honestly, I've never felt safe. I'm quiet and got yelled at for being quiet by my gf: "What the fuck's wrong with you?! Say something!" But when you get the response "My god, you're still thinking about that?!" (for something that happened the same day), you learn to just keep things inside.

A place to express suicidal issues safely is one aspect that makes this place so valuable that others don't seem to understand.

 

[SipSop]

Similar necessities to deny emotions in my childhood. And I couldn't handle everything: sad, bitter, suicidal-talking mom; derisive father; being molested by my sister; perfection expected with adult responsibilities while a kid.

When I got older, I read about how it's important to feel emotions and communicate them. When my dad & I went to his home country, on the train I asked "how are we getting back to <city>?". He was relentless on how stupid a question that was, even after I said "I got it" multiple times. I got mad, went my own way, and later explained why I got mad: I didn't know <City> International Airport was technically in a town I never heard of. He responded, "yes, there was no way you could have known." I thought it was a breakthrough. But the next morning, he mockingly tells relatives, "this guy. I never know when he's going to be emotional." And that's what sealed the deal for me to never again open up or be vulnerable to him.

One needs a safe place to feel emotions or deal with issues, and honestly, I've never felt safe. I'm quiet and got yelled at for being quiet by my gf: "What the fuck's wrong with you?! Say something!" But when you get the response "My god, you're still thinking about that?!" (for something that happened the same day), you learn to just keep things inside.

A place to express suicidal issues safely is one aspect that makes this place so valuable that others don't seem to understand.

I also went to a quest of understand what happened to me. Begin to read article after article, to watch video after video. That is when you ubderstand how bad they fucked you.
About your father. My father is similar. He expected me to know things before he even teached me and then belittle me for not knowing it. But not even teach me. I tried to ubderstand this but I can't. I realised he is a patholigical liar. Say something then deny it. Namely, gaslight. That fucked me up big time as I developed trust issues and I begin to not trust other people, namely to make bonds with others.
What your father did to you is betrayal. It is so so hard. Because we are designed as people to bond with our parent, to strife for their approval, affection, to trust them to guide us. But what we get is mockery and lies.
For me was hard as my father maintained a iron fist in the house and kept use dependent and in fesr of him. He talk alot and doesnt stop. But the disapointing thing here was that he doesnt dominatr others from outisde of house, only us, the vulnerable ones... I used to look up to him, as he was the only rolemodel I knew but it was just a lie. He is a wesk man who abused a family in order to feel powerful.
Children need eye contact in order to gain strenght and confidence.
I was afraid to even think bad about him!
What happened to you and me is not simply something that "you can get over it". We grew in that chaotic environment and now we carry it with us everywhere we go till we die.
It is unfair, because other got more lucky than us. Just because they were born in different families.
Trust me when I tell you that people are hypocrites. They say, life is not that bad, only because they do not appreciate what was handed to them for nothing. Like good parents, good genes, good education.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

It's hard to know what they're doing isn't right when it's all you've ever seen. It's only when I was older (40s) did I begin to think that "hey, maybe it isn't me. maybe he's an asshole". Some people may dismiss it as, "he's just raising you the way he was raised." But I was raised the way he was raised, yet didn't treat people the way he treated me. I understand their reasoning, but I see it as an explanation rather than a justification. At least now when he says something that makes me feel like "I don't matter", I begin to recognize what's happening instead of it only absorbing that I don't matter. But it's hard to unwrinkle paper.