I have a six-year-old daughter, and for the past two years, I've been with the love of my life—my current partner. Before her, I was with my daughter's mother for 12 years. While I'll always respect her as the mother of my child, she was not the love of my life. Our relationship was filled with struggles—emotionally, financially, and in terms of direction.
Back when my daughter was born, things shifted. Almost like magic, I finally landed a job in the career I'd always wanted. It felt amazing. I started making real money. But with that success came something else: I began drinking heavily. And I've also been using kratom daily since 2013.
Through it all, I've always known I was struggling. I've always carried a quiet but persistent sense of suicidal ideation—never enough to panic, but never fully gone either. Just a lingering heaviness I couldn't shake.
In January 2023, I finally left my daughter's mom. That June, I met my current partner. We recently moved in together, and for a while, life felt full of potential. But things started unraveling this year.
I had a great job—but I lost it in January 2025 due to alcohol. Then I landed another great job and lost that too—on May 30, 2025, also because of drinking. That was the breaking point. My partner found out about my addiction, and it hit her hard. I decided to get help. I checked into detox, but only lasted two days. Tried again—same result. Then I pretended to be in rehab while she was away in Arizona, because I couldn't face tekyardlling her I failed again.
Eventually, I did go to a real rehab that was much better. But even then, after three days, I left. The anxiety, the shame—it was too much. I couldn't sit with how I felt about myself.
It's in these past seven weeks that something shifted. My suicidal ideation stopped being a quiet shadow and became something I began taking seriously.
When I pretended to be in rehab during the 4th of July, I stayed home...when no one was there. And I shot my AR15 for the first time in my backyard, during all the fire works. I shot it tree times.
I realized that I can finally do the right thing, and end my life. But, I chickened out.
Now it is July 21, and everything thinks that I detoxed, and went to rehab. But, I haven't done a thing and I still drink and do drugs daily.
I need to end my life as soon as possible.
Back when my daughter was born, things shifted. Almost like magic, I finally landed a job in the career I'd always wanted. It felt amazing. I started making real money. But with that success came something else: I began drinking heavily. And I've also been using kratom daily since 2013.
Through it all, I've always known I was struggling. I've always carried a quiet but persistent sense of suicidal ideation—never enough to panic, but never fully gone either. Just a lingering heaviness I couldn't shake.
In January 2023, I finally left my daughter's mom. That June, I met my current partner. We recently moved in together, and for a while, life felt full of potential. But things started unraveling this year.
I had a great job—but I lost it in January 2025 due to alcohol. Then I landed another great job and lost that too—on May 30, 2025, also because of drinking. That was the breaking point. My partner found out about my addiction, and it hit her hard. I decided to get help. I checked into detox, but only lasted two days. Tried again—same result. Then I pretended to be in rehab while she was away in Arizona, because I couldn't face tekyardlling her I failed again.
Eventually, I did go to a real rehab that was much better. But even then, after three days, I left. The anxiety, the shame—it was too much. I couldn't sit with how I felt about myself.
It's in these past seven weeks that something shifted. My suicidal ideation stopped being a quiet shadow and became something I began taking seriously.
When I pretended to be in rehab during the 4th of July, I stayed home...when no one was there. And I shot my AR15 for the first time in my backyard, during all the fire works. I shot it tree times.
I realized that I can finally do the right thing, and end my life. But, I chickened out.
Now it is July 21, and everything thinks that I detoxed, and went to rehab. But, I haven't done a thing and I still drink and do drugs daily.
I need to end my life as soon as possible.
