Hi SS, it's been awhile. For the past several months I've been going through my worst crisis ever. I am constantly unsure if I'll make it to next year. I spend a good portion of my days absolutely wrecked with misery and my head constantly spins with questions about my existence, which I know isn't special here so I know you'd understand. I'm somebody who needs to move and do something or my thoughts will drown me, so I've been doing a lot, which on paper makes me sound like someone on their road to recovery. I distract myself with outdoor activities like hiking, surfing, road trips, and I'm meeting friends quite often. I'm pretty social, I drink and smoke socially quite often and in the process I made several new friends and met some women too.
So I met a girl who for the longest time I was sure had friendzoned me. I was very attracted to her but I didn't make any attempts to pursue her because I didn't want to be just be another guy who sees her as an object of conquest rather than a human being. I also didn't want to poison yet another person like I have before. She's also going through her own journey with depression (although probably not as severe as mine) so I thought what she really needs is a friend. We hung out a lot, talked a lot, and over time my feelings for her grew. I felt guilty for it because I felt like it would betray the friendship and at the same time I felt turmoil over not being honest. I thought about telling her that I got a job overseas and telling her how I feel before I "leave." In reality I would cbt.
One drunken night with her friends and my friends, I found out through her friend that she actually has had liked me for months. She the same through my drunk friends. We talked about it. I told her I liked her a lot but was afraid of getting into anything serious, and she concluded we could just see where this goes. We ended up spending the night together at her place. We spent the morning lying in bed in each other's arms. I couldn't believe it. That moment was one of the happiest ones I've had since this pandemic started, if not the happiest.
This may seem like a happy story but I've been stricken by anxiety and insecurity since that happy morning. I think I'm more emotionally involved and available than she is. Since we never clearly defined our relationship, I don't know what we are or if she is meeting other people or if I should be meeting other people. and I also find it silly at my age and experience that I am still going through this kind of emotional turmoil over a girl. Perhaps I haven't learned anything or grew. I've been distracting myself from myself with activities and a social life, but I guess I saw her as an even better distraction. I've been in a vulnerable state so maybe this wasn't the best time to get emotionally involved with someone. I don't even know why she even likes me beyond a platonic friendship. She's tall and beautiful and there are probably plenty of "better" guys she could get.
My insecurities gnaw at me. Perhaps I don't please her sexually. Maybe she doesn't like the choice of food I suggest. Maybe I'm too available and that puts her off. Or maybe because I said I don't want to get into anything she doesn't want to get too close to protect herself. We could openly talk about all of this but but I'm also afraid that will too much for her like I'm making a big deal out of what she considers to be trivial. I'm too afraid to be open, and I'm afraid of the fact that I'm afraid. My footing in this "relationship" feels just as uneasy as when I thought I was friendzoned.
It feels silly that I am this concerned over this as well considering I am also constantly mulling over ending my life. It's good that she is keeping her distance because the last thing I would want is to hurt her if she gets too attached to me and she finds out what I really am: a black hole.
I think this is sort of a defense mechanism of the ego. It may be desperately clutching at anything to give me a reason to stay alive. Perhaps that's why emotions for her are so strong. I I had relationships where I also invested myself emotionally too much too quickly and perhaps burdened my partners to make me happy. Not a foundation for a healthy relationship.
I wish I could be only focus on the moments; appreciate the moments I have with her when I'm with her and let go when it's time to go. I have given up on being happy so it's all I can get.
So I met a girl who for the longest time I was sure had friendzoned me. I was very attracted to her but I didn't make any attempts to pursue her because I didn't want to be just be another guy who sees her as an object of conquest rather than a human being. I also didn't want to poison yet another person like I have before. She's also going through her own journey with depression (although probably not as severe as mine) so I thought what she really needs is a friend. We hung out a lot, talked a lot, and over time my feelings for her grew. I felt guilty for it because I felt like it would betray the friendship and at the same time I felt turmoil over not being honest. I thought about telling her that I got a job overseas and telling her how I feel before I "leave." In reality I would cbt.
One drunken night with her friends and my friends, I found out through her friend that she actually has had liked me for months. She the same through my drunk friends. We talked about it. I told her I liked her a lot but was afraid of getting into anything serious, and she concluded we could just see where this goes. We ended up spending the night together at her place. We spent the morning lying in bed in each other's arms. I couldn't believe it. That moment was one of the happiest ones I've had since this pandemic started, if not the happiest.
This may seem like a happy story but I've been stricken by anxiety and insecurity since that happy morning. I think I'm more emotionally involved and available than she is. Since we never clearly defined our relationship, I don't know what we are or if she is meeting other people or if I should be meeting other people. and I also find it silly at my age and experience that I am still going through this kind of emotional turmoil over a girl. Perhaps I haven't learned anything or grew. I've been distracting myself from myself with activities and a social life, but I guess I saw her as an even better distraction. I've been in a vulnerable state so maybe this wasn't the best time to get emotionally involved with someone. I don't even know why she even likes me beyond a platonic friendship. She's tall and beautiful and there are probably plenty of "better" guys she could get.
My insecurities gnaw at me. Perhaps I don't please her sexually. Maybe she doesn't like the choice of food I suggest. Maybe I'm too available and that puts her off. Or maybe because I said I don't want to get into anything she doesn't want to get too close to protect herself. We could openly talk about all of this but but I'm also afraid that will too much for her like I'm making a big deal out of what she considers to be trivial. I'm too afraid to be open, and I'm afraid of the fact that I'm afraid. My footing in this "relationship" feels just as uneasy as when I thought I was friendzoned.
It feels silly that I am this concerned over this as well considering I am also constantly mulling over ending my life. It's good that she is keeping her distance because the last thing I would want is to hurt her if she gets too attached to me and she finds out what I really am: a black hole.
I think this is sort of a defense mechanism of the ego. It may be desperately clutching at anything to give me a reason to stay alive. Perhaps that's why emotions for her are so strong. I I had relationships where I also invested myself emotionally too much too quickly and perhaps burdened my partners to make me happy. Not a foundation for a healthy relationship.
I wish I could be only focus on the moments; appreciate the moments I have with her when I'm with her and let go when it's time to go. I have given up on being happy so it's all I can get.
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