Help Dating/friendships/human connection vs a brain that just wants to to self-immolate

[fallingasl33p]

Someone has started showing interest in me and I thought maybe it was just in a friend way but I've basically been asked on a date now. I'm so fucking anxious avoidant and probably aroace to boot but I just can't say no to people. Despite everything I try to people-please because I dread others holding a negative opinion of me. I avoid every kind of human connection like the plague normally since it makes me so fucking anxious and I'm typically too depressed to engage meaningfully regardless. What the fuck do I do. I don't want to lead anyone on…

 

[Adûnâi]

First of all, as you've not been on a date before (?), it could be an opportunity to test the waters. Second, if you change your sensibilities later on (years down the line), you might wish you took this opportunity. Personally, I was living as effectively a volcel for years, but then a time came, and now inceldom is the reason for my future suicide. But I understand how it may seem too advanced. But then again, you were asked - so it's not like you would bother them, the ball is in your court, you can decide whether you appreciate this experience or not, without pressure.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Say no. You're considering ctb which is way harder than a simple no.

 

[fallingasl33p]

First of all, as you've not been on a date before (?), it could be an opportunity to test the waters. Second, if you change your sensibilities later on (years down the line), you might wish you took this opportunity. Personally, I was living as effectively a volcel for years, but then a time came, and now inceldom is the reason for my future suicide. But I understand how it may seem too advanced. But then again, you were asked - so it's not like you would bother them, the ball is in your court, you can decide whether you appreciate this experience or not, without pressure.

Uhhhhhh yeah I don't associate with hate groups or consider myself some sort of victim lmao. I've dated and tried things with guys and girls alike to see if I could just make it work but I just don't really do people full stop. It's not that I want a relationship and can't get one I truly just have no desire for connection. Maybe that's just the depression/probable autism talking but yeah. I just feel the pressure of the social expectation that everyone has to fall in love and then get married etc etc when deep down I don't think that'll ever be something I'm capable of. Not getting any pussy sure as shit is not a reason to CTB bro.

First of all, as you've not been on a date before (?), it could be an opportunity to test the waters. Second, if you change your sensibilities later on (years down the line), you might wish you took this opportunity. Personally, I was living as effectively a volcel for years, but then a time came, and now inceldom is the reason for my future suicide. But I understand how it may seem too advanced. But then again, you were asked - so it's not like you would bother them, the ball is in your court, you can decide whether you appreciate this experience or not, without pressure.

I mean I've been on dates and been intimate with guys and girls before but I hate the idea of using people and their real feelings as just experiments when I'm unable to meaningfully reciprocate.

Now theoretically yes maybe I'll have a sudden magical movie cliché style falling in love moment but I'm afraid of the more likely possibility where I just feel feelings of friendship and end up seriously hurting their feelings. I know not every relationship or friendship you have in this world has to be perfect or go as planned. We're only human. I just struggle massively with RSD and with what I guess is my fucked up avoidant attachment style lol.

Say no. You're considering ctb which is way harder than a simple no.

I've considered ctb almost every day for the last 7 years so that excuse alone isn't gonna cut it I don't think lol. The fear of hurting others with my death is what's kept me alive but has also kept me from desiring any connection at all in case I hurt them too. Man I don't know anymore. It's just another one of those social expectations. I've caved in to plenty of others except this one since someone's real emotions are at stake..

 

[darkSea]

I understand you don't want to lead anyone one or use them as an experiment. Going on a date isn't those things. You aren't committing to the person. All you're doing is seeing if you vibe, getting to know each other, and trying to enjoy yourself, and have them enjoy themselves too. That's all they're doing too (hopefully). If they don't want a second date with you, they haven't led you on. One caveat is don't say things which actually do lead the person on, like you want to see them again, how much you like them, etc.

OTOH, it sounds like you don't want to. So in that case, make up an excuse. Hopefully they can take a hint.

 

[fallingasl33p]

I understand you don't want to lead anyone one or use them as an experiment. Going on a date isn't those things. You aren't committing to the person. All you're doing is seeing if you vibe, getting to know each other, and trying to enjoy yourself, and have them enjoy themselves too. That's all they're doing too (hopefully). If they don't want a second date with you, they haven't led you on. One caveat is don't say things which actually do lead the person on, like you want to see them again, how much you like them, etc.

OTOH, it sounds like you don't want to. So in that case, make up an excuse. Hopefully they can take a hint.

Yeahh you're right.

Every human connection I end up forming just feels like a fucking escape room and you gotta solve the puzzles and calculate the other persons feelings while just trying to get out. Except I've also been given no instructions or clues because I struggle to read people. And the room is on fire lol.

 

[darkSea]

Yeahh you're right.

Every human connection I end up forming just feels like a fucking escape room and you gotta solve the puzzles and calculate the other persons feelings while just trying to get out. Except I've also been given no instructions or clues because I struggle to read people. And the room is on fire lol.

Great analogy, tbh.

I don't know if this applies to you, but I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. A lot of that was caused by a lack of social skills. The best thing I did for that was listen (and re-listen) to the audiobook The Social Skills Guidebook by Chris MacLeod. Now that I know the conventional and appropriate ways to behave my anxiety is much less, and I don't mind being around people nearly as much.

 

[fallingasl33p]

Great analogy, tbh.

I don't know if this applies to you, but I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. A lot of that was caused by a lack of social skills. The best thing I did for that was listen (and re-listen) to the audiobook The Social Skills Guidebook by Chris MacLeod. Now that I know the conventional and appropriate ways to behave my anxiety is much less, and I don't mind being around people nearly as much.

I'll have to give that a read or listen. I definitely experience social and generalized anxiety and like you said a lot of that stems from what I perceive to be social incompetence. It's definitely improved with general practice and just living/working in the world but yeah. It's always something we can work on. Unfortunately I find masking socially super draining so I can just about maintain relationships with coworkers and family members but beyond that I'm all out of juice lol.

 

[broth0100]

Someone has started showing interest in me and I thought maybe it was just in a friend way but I've basically been asked on a date now. I'm so fucking anxious avoidant and probably aroace to boot but I just can't say no to people. Despite everything I try to people-please because I dread others holding a negative opinion of me. I avoid every kind of human connection like the plague normally since it makes me so fucking anxious and I'm typically too depressed to engage meaningfully regardless. What the fuck do I do. I don't want to lead anyone on…

i feel like when u have anxiety around relationships n stuff it can sometimes b hard to tell, but do u feel like u like this person? like in an ideal world would u b interested also?