Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Got a hotel room booked for the end of July, thinking of ctb then. There's not even a ray of hope on the horizon, I'm so tired of being so alone in this, feeling so much physical pain and having so much wrong with my body that I barely function n having nobody who is able to help me even believe that I'm ill - any one of those by itself would be a challenge but all of them is just too much.
I rescued my boy and he's on the road to recovery. He's nearly 18 so I've just about fulfilled the bit that was my most seriously taken responsibility. We've spoken about it at length and agree that if the other was in unbearable pain that couldn't be resolved, we would support and forgive them if they had to bow out.
I can cancel it without penalty if things change. But I was saying that a week ago when I was feeling more strong and still didn't cancel it. Feels like it's pretty inevitable for me now, like it's a foregone conclusion I've taken too long to meander to.
This feels like the only solid thing I have to look forward to. I want it to change so that I don't have to do it but it's not looking very likely. I'm sick of living like this. I'm not loved enough to be this much of a burden, I don't have family that gives a shit (or even wishes me happy birthday) so it seems to be for the best.
So I got two months to endure and then can finally say goodbye to it all. I've done a lifetime of the family shit, have just about raised my child to adulthood (shy by about a month or so) and know that I have his forgiveness if I go. I've done over four years of this health shit, feeling horrendous in every conceivable way just to experience doubt and skepticism on top of it, as if anyone would have the strength of will to maintain a facade this complicated and pathetic.
I know that it's generally other people projecting their own shit onto you that gives rise to attitudes like this, that it's not my fault that I had a crappy childhood and continue to lack support into adulthood. That the ones accusing me of faking it are the ones who would be the first to play any health problem up to get people running around and paying for them - this goes against every aspect of my character, which strives for independence and strength of mind even when unable to take care of myself properly.
Knowing that it's not my fault just makes it worse, makes it seem more out of control.
Been dealt a crap hand so ready to fold. It's okay. I don't know if I'd wanna play again, even with a different hand. Even when you win you have to witness other people losing, which is just as not ok. All the other people struggling to get by and wanting to burn their cards out of frustration too.
I'd rather just stop playing. This game is completely shit
I rescued my boy and he's on the road to recovery. He's nearly 18 so I've just about fulfilled the bit that was my most seriously taken responsibility. We've spoken about it at length and agree that if the other was in unbearable pain that couldn't be resolved, we would support and forgive them if they had to bow out.
I can cancel it without penalty if things change. But I was saying that a week ago when I was feeling more strong and still didn't cancel it. Feels like it's pretty inevitable for me now, like it's a foregone conclusion I've taken too long to meander to.
This feels like the only solid thing I have to look forward to. I want it to change so that I don't have to do it but it's not looking very likely. I'm sick of living like this. I'm not loved enough to be this much of a burden, I don't have family that gives a shit (or even wishes me happy birthday) so it seems to be for the best.
So I got two months to endure and then can finally say goodbye to it all. I've done a lifetime of the family shit, have just about raised my child to adulthood (shy by about a month or so) and know that I have his forgiveness if I go. I've done over four years of this health shit, feeling horrendous in every conceivable way just to experience doubt and skepticism on top of it, as if anyone would have the strength of will to maintain a facade this complicated and pathetic.
I know that it's generally other people projecting their own shit onto you that gives rise to attitudes like this, that it's not my fault that I had a crappy childhood and continue to lack support into adulthood. That the ones accusing me of faking it are the ones who would be the first to play any health problem up to get people running around and paying for them - this goes against every aspect of my character, which strives for independence and strength of mind even when unable to take care of myself properly.
Knowing that it's not my fault just makes it worse, makes it seem more out of control.
Been dealt a crap hand so ready to fold. It's okay. I don't know if I'd wanna play again, even with a different hand. Even when you win you have to witness other people losing, which is just as not ok. All the other people struggling to get by and wanting to burn their cards out of frustration too.
I'd rather just stop playing. This game is completely shit
