Venting Darkest secret

[Dwellinglifeless]

If anyone wishes to share feel free. I have homicidal thoughts and strong call of the void that is near insatiable for me to ignore if my mood is low enough. It has left my life in shambles. Probably my easiest excuse to ctb.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I can relate to the homicidal thoughts, probably just as well that firearms are illegal here.

 

[Eden2k]

I have a deep dark secret, but I'm going to keep that to myself. For now anyway.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Very few people reveal their darkest thoughts, I have worse ones than being homicidal, if that's possible.

 

[Eden2k]

Very few people reveal their darkest thoughts, I have worse ones than being homicidal, if that's possible.

Homicidal thoughts I can definitely relate too. Torturing people I hate, really fucking hate, in the slowest, painful way possible. I can understand why some people go on a rampage. I would never want to hurt anyone, who has never done me wrong or simply just pissed me off. But those others who have..

 

[Help_Me]

My father broke my childhood, I remember imagining him being tortured on the forest and wild animals feasting with his corpse. He did a lot of bad things and deserved it. I'd like to kill some other people who made my life worse and inflicted more pain.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Yes I often get the torture fantasy.

 

[Jodes]

Very few people reveal their darkest thoughts, I have worse ones than being homicidal, if that's possible.

Thoughts and actions are very different things. Technically I AFAIK maybe you could be having flashbacks of horror films. I read somewhere one person's PTSD can "rub off" on someone close. Maybe not films but anyway, I think everyone's had homicidal 'visions" at times. Movies (again) - how many times, in comedies mostly, do they snapshot someone's thoughts of murdering a family member or boss etc

 

[Empty Smile]

My darkest secret from many years ago was slowly torturing the ex-wife for weeks at a time. But then it became a reality, but the other way around. Through 10 years of marriage, she slowly tortured me. So much for wishful thinking.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Thoughts and actions are very different things. Technically I AFAIK maybe you could be having flashbacks of horror films. I read somewhere one person's PTSD can "rub off" on someone close. Maybe not films but anyway, I think everyone's had homicidal 'visions" at times. Movies (again) - how many times, in comedies mostly, do they snapshot someone's thoughts of murdering a family member or boss etc

I've come up with some very novel ideas in my fantasies.

If I had N I would rig up my stereo with the three sets of speakers, I'd block the front door, open all the windows and put on some heavy music and turn it up to eleven. Sit back in my recliner and take my N, and wait for lift off.

 

[Jodes]

I've come up with some very novel ideas in my fantasies.

If I had N I would rig up my stereo with the three sets of speakers, I'd block the front door, open all the windows and put on some heavy music and turn it up to eleven. Sit back in my recliner and take my N, and wait for lift off.

Because headphones just won't work with an exit bag

Actually, that's something I was going to ask

 

[Johnnythefox]

I often think I would have enjoyed being a hit man, sometimes I feel nothing for no one. This list I gave my doctor when he asked me to write down the traits that make me think I may have autism! Seems I might have omitted some things.

 

[Jodes]

I often think I would have liked to be a hit man. Sometimes I feel nothing for no one, this list I gave my doctor when he asked me write down the traits that make me think I may have autism! Seems I might have omitted some things. View attachment 4570

Lol @ hitman, ... Movies I tell myself

Great list. I check all the boxes to lesser or greater degree. And in theory having an assessment "soon". Which I might not be able to attend.

 

[Armadillo]

+1 for the thoughts about homicide and torture.

 

[Miss clefable]

I often think I would have enjoyed being a hit man, sometimes I feel nothing for no one. This list I gave my doctor when he asked me to write down the traits that make me think I may have autism! Seems I might have omitted some things. View attachment 4570

Kill me then

 

[Jodes]

+1 for the thoughts about homicide and torture.

Anyone who laughs at that is sick because they obviously relate. I'm still trying not to snigger. Ffs I hate myself.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Kill me then

It kind of blows my alibi out of the water now that you've asked publicly.

 

[Miss clefable]

It kind of blows my alibi out of the water now that you've asked publicly.

 

[LongSeason]

Do any of you know any untraceable poisons/pills, a guide would do fine.

 

[gnrluver0105]

I often think I would have enjoyed being a hit man, sometimes I feel nothing for no one. This list I gave my doctor when he asked me to write down the traits that make me think I may have autism! Seems I might have omitted some things. View attachment 4570

The doctor gives you a diagnosis about autism? I have everything in your list, but I feel too old to go to seek an official diagnosis

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I often imagine shooting my narc dad with a shotgun just to shut him up.

 

[Johnnythefox]

The doctor gives you a diagnosis about autism? I have everything in your list, but I feel too old to go to seek an official diagnosis

No diagnosis yet, waiting for an assessment,been about four months now.

 

[gnrluver0105]

I often fantasize about my brother dead, or even myself killing him, I hate him, it's a great part of my problems, as a child, he often aboused me

 

[Alysia]

I have had major anxiety towards my stepdad ever since late childhood years (I'm 22 now, soon 23). He used to be violent towards dogs in the family in the past which made me develop a deep resentment towards him, and this was likely a major part in me developing the anxiety towards him, plus we have basically never really talked to each other. And even though he has since bettered his ways as far as treating animals is concerned, the anxiety has never gone away and I unfortunately believe all these years of immense anxiety have likely done much irreparable damage and I don't have the strength or motivation to try to fix it. This anxiety towards my stepdad has seriously limited the amount of time I have been mentally able to spend with my sisters and mom (who live in the same house), especially time when I'm not feeling a constant anxiety knowing this one person is in the same house. I am unfortunately very bitter about this.

He is currently battling cancer and the future or the length of it is very uncertain for him. While I don't wish suffering even upon the people I dislike the most, and I have no homicidal tendencies, I can't say I'll be sad if/when he dies. I had to skip spending this Christmas with my family because I know my time would have been absolutely ruined by the anxiety. When he's gone, I hope I can perhaps start reuniting and getting closer to my mom and siblings again, that is, if I'm still here myself when that happens. I would go to his funeral and keep a straight face while knowing that day will have been the best day in my life in a very long time. A part of me hopes that day won't be too far away. This is my darkest secret.

 

[Thoughtforms]

I have never wanted anyone I know dead or to torture / physically hurt them. Only exception is when I read about pedophiles or child killers. I hope they're all burnt alive to be honest. Sometimes I wonder if there's any pedophiles on here... because if I was one I would do the world a favour and CTB


I don't know what my deepest secret is. Probably my suicide plan. Or about lying. I will lie to people if I'm scared I'm going to lose them or to make them like me. Ive carried out some huge lies to keep people in my life. Never worked though. They just never found out so I keep doing it.

 

[TAW122]

One of my darkest secrets, well it's my plan to ctb. I've told nobody IRL about this, and it's all bottled within me. I trust nobody IRL and when I ctb it will be a solitary road that I take alone. I've also had intense anger, resentment, and hate towards the shit towards the people that are responsible for my problems in the past, present, and future. While I fantasize about vengeance, I know that morally, ethically, and legally I could not do something against them and lose it all, the best thing for me is to remove myself from this world and truly be free of all suffering. I think of ctb'ing like dividing by zero, something that isn't allowed to be done in the world of logic and mathematics, as it creates an error.

According to society, ctb is like the ultimate counter against it hence it makes sense on some level that ctb is prohibited and society as well as government does everything in it's power to prevent one from ctb'ing and escaping this mad world. Anyways, sorry for going off tangent.

 

[therhydler]

I often fantasize about my brother dead, or even myself killing him, I hate him, it's a great part of my problems, as a child, he often aboused me

Sorry if this is offtopic but I LOVE your avatar. And I'm sorry about your brother

 

[Jodes]

Sorry if this is offtopic but I LOVE your avatar. And I'm sorry about your brother

It is the off topic section

 

[LongSeason]

Do any of you know any untraceable poisons/pills, a guide would do fine.

Anyone?

 

[Karl]

there are so many things ...