Dark times after being strong

[PlanB]

Have you ever thought you were doing fine for once until suddenly, you just had too much. My demons are back after a long time in recovery. I have had to be strong for others and when I finally broke down, the person who said they would be there for me the most, made me feel like it was all my own fault and like I am a burden. When I thought we were all just here doing our best. Apparently I have no business crying.

I do not understand why I am like this. I am so very tired of it. Tired of feeling bad. Tired of just existing. I don't want to go, I don't want to stay. Existence is so much work.

I came here hoping to not feel so alone. Tell me your stories friends. I have a tearful internet hug here waiting for you.

 

[PlanB]

Just can't stop crying since last night. I feel absolutely desolate. My face is so swollen and my body hurts. I wish there was a way to take off these shackles we all carry without having to die.

 

[DarkThoughts]

Here's my uninteresting story!

After quite a few half-assed attempts from late 2021 to early 2023, I was stable since June 2023. Even applied for college in September, around 2 years late because of my earlier crisis, but it was still a step forward. I wanted to do something with my life, instead of rotting in bed all day. Alas, an opportunity to further my education became a reality. I was accepted onto the course which would allow me to gain level 2 qualifications (Functional Skills) in Maths and English. After a couple months, I was allowed to attempt my Maths exam because I was doing quite well. Passed it with 58/64, just over 90%. I later found out that I needed GCSEs (level 3 qualification) to join my next course, which was designed to prepare students for a career in Science. I was deteriorating a little bit here due to the anxiety of being in education. Because of my high mark in Maths, I consulted my tutor who recommended I try squeeze into GCSE classes this year. This was around 2 weeks ago, now I have only 9 weeks to prepare for HIGHER TIER GCSE papers. My true state of mind became very apparent at that point. All this time, I've been teetering on the edge of an inevitable breakdown. Here it is, I suppose. All I've been able to think about is death; it excites me.

Perhaps I had the chance to get out of that hole and be someone. I was going to pursue a career in Theoretical Physics, as that's a very strong interest of mine. But I threw it all away, my inner desire to simply cease to exist is too strong. I dissociated so intensely while purchasing SN, out of pure excitement. I can't even describe how eager I am to die. Interesting isn't it? How one trigger can dredge up the most abominable thoughts in your head... Besides that trigger, chronic pain and autism are the main reasons I feel this way, I'm sure many others can relate.​

 

[Linda]

I would advise you to push your education as far as you can. The option to ctb isn't gong to go away, so there is no need to rush to do it. If you can get a good education, that will put you in a very strong position if you decide to continue to engage with life.

I studied theoretical physics too. It's a tough but interesting subject, and a good one to have if you ever decide to look for a job.

Perhaps the way to deal with the inevitable stresses of getting an education is to remind yourself, whenever it all becomes too much, that you can leave this world whenever you want and get away from it all. But you don't have to leave this world when you feel like that. Since you can escape the stress so easily, why let it bother you? Just stop caring about the things that are stressing you.

I walked out of the last exam in my finals having left hardly a mark on the exam paper. The stress had finally got to me, and my brain just refused to function. But I had done well enough on the previous papers that I still got a good degree.

You have 9 weeks to prepare for your next exam. You better get started.

Let me tell you one trick I used to use for major exams. I would prepare very hard. But the day before the exam I would do no studying at all. None whatever. I would do something completely different. (Usually I used to go and wander round the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge and look at the art there, even though usually I have very little interest in the visual arts.) It helped clear my mind, and I'm sure it helped me deal better with the exams.

Good luck.