Dark thoughts

[stillunemployed]

You ever felt you were never supposed to be here?
That youre entire existence is a joke, that only purpose is for satisfying others cruelty.
That you are just an insect and always will be.

No matter how well you look, how well you do, how useful you are, you are a piece of shit.
From birth and till death.
Your funeral will be a bothersome annoyance.

ctb was always everyones plan for you anyway.

Methods are deliberately made hard and painful as a joke.

There is no such thing as authenticity for you and if work really really hard you will only break others narrative and make them angry.

My father made it clear to me, that he wants a trophy and he gets what he wants or he burns the whole world.
He somehow had the brilliant idea for me to become a priest. It would be such an enormous boon for his social standing, but of course I had to make it happen all by myself or else im not his.

And so im not his.
And then driving to all these "doctors", all conmen like him, all while whining that he had to do this, which was all his idea anyway.

He is probably right. He has other kids, which he hates. Better trophys. He can always pretend, something I could never do and thats why everyone does not consider me a human being and never will.

But you always have to appease them, cuz we are a "community".

This thread is for everyone to tell me how much I suck. How much of unfunny loser I am and nothing I try to do will ever amount to anything.
Or how much someone you would never help, who is also another insect, has it worse. I just love to hear that one.

Just fucking ban me.

 

[Pluto]

I relate to everything you say. As someone who's lived with this for a long time, there's a sort of contradiction. I know at an intellectual level that everything can be traced to a father who felt no love whatsoever, therefore there's no reason to beat myself up. Yet the feelings are still there and affect my behaviour in every situation. I spent my life wanting to be loved, but never succeeded because I don't even know what love is supposed to feel like.

 

[stillunemployed]

I relate to everything you say. As someone who's lived with this for a long time, there's a sort of contradiction. I know at an intellectual level that everything can be traced to a father who felt no love whatsoever, therefore there's no reason to beat myself up. Yet the feelings are still there and affect my behaviour in every situation. I spent my life wanting to be loved, but never succeeded because I don't even know what love is supposed to feel like.

He will never leave. Even if I somehow outlive him, bury him then piss on his grave, he'll just come out and whine and whine and just keep whining forever.

These days, his goto insults are comparing me with half-brother, a son he doesnt recognize and refuses to even contact and whose child support payments were covered by my mother.

He is the luckiest man I have ever seen. Every single shitty thing he did, there are no consequences. Yet he always wants more. And more. And more. And more.

I am the only he is not afraid of. My siblings all tell him to his face every time to fuck off, yet he keeps kissing their ass.
And then gets angry with me after they leave.
They all grew up to be cold and calculating, viciously successful people.

 

[Pluto]

Yes, the classic Dark Triad. I realised too late that Nfather was trying to torment me until I die, just for the petty thrills. Nobody believed me and I sounded like a crazy person, since he'd used his superficial charm on the whole community. I was the one who ended up shamed and exiled.

Hopefully it goes without saying to cut him off in every way possible, ASAP and permanently. No matter how absurd the situation gets, they will never change.

 

[stillunemployed]

Hopefully it goes without saying to cut him off in every way possible, ASAP and permanently.

Right. of course. obviously.

like everything else, its easier said than done.