roaming_soul
Member
- Dec 29, 2021
- 49
As the title suggests, I'm a tryer by nature. I'm good at picking myself up and going at it again.
I'm sure you can relate to dusting yourself off and keeping things moving in some fashion. You are alive and reading this afterall.
Humans love a comeback story. So do I. But the thing with killing yourself is that there is no "come back".
Now, after tirelessly sourcing all of my resources to ctb my "trying nature" has come out in full force. "Try to live for the people who love you", "try to live for your potentital", "try to heal", or at the very least "try life for one more day".
I'd be willing to try all of these. I have before and it's worked. It's been an intense journey in healing so far but I always come back to the question of whether I want to live or die.
Talking helps me navigate my most trying times. But killing yourself is a topic so taboo that even licensed professional fear it.
I need to talk... about all of it. Honestly. Without someone fearing for me or overreacting by institutionalising me. I just need the space to be 100% honest out loud.
I refuse to go another year carrying all of this in silence. I personally can't live with the possibilty of some undetermined future date of ctb'ing hanging over me. It haunts me and provides zero comfort.
For me it's as simple as a choice: To live or Not to live. For a long time I felt weird for what might come across as an oversimplification until I came across this article in the Scientific World Journal titled "Suicide From a Holitic Point of View" (file attached for any curious readers).
Basically, it confirmed for me what I've come to realise in my own "healing" journey that at some point a decision to choose life or not choose it might have to be made, and that is ok.
Now, I don't have the funds to travel to Sweden for counselling with this enlightened psychologist who wrote the article. Instead I have to tip toe around the issue with friends and therapists that I have access too.
I'm not affraid of dying, but I am affraid of living a life so heavily inauthentic and disconnected where I cannot discuss both the want to live and not live.
Don't get me wrong, this forum has helped A LOT. But there is something cathartic for me in saying things out loud. And I also recognise this time as an opportunity to peel back another layer of healing. But that can only happen with total honesty. And that's not say that in the end I'd choose one or the other, but damn it, can I at least talk about it before making any permanent decisions?
I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say to the people around me. (lol and don't suggest a suicide hotline. The thought of speaking to a stranger who has been trained to talk people off the ledge makes me even more sad.)
Any advice is greatly appreciated because THIS AIN'T IT
.
Damn my trying nature. Though, in the end they can't say that I didn't try.
I'm sure you can relate to dusting yourself off and keeping things moving in some fashion. You are alive and reading this afterall.
Humans love a comeback story. So do I. But the thing with killing yourself is that there is no "come back".
Now, after tirelessly sourcing all of my resources to ctb my "trying nature" has come out in full force. "Try to live for the people who love you", "try to live for your potentital", "try to heal", or at the very least "try life for one more day".
I'd be willing to try all of these. I have before and it's worked. It's been an intense journey in healing so far but I always come back to the question of whether I want to live or die.
Talking helps me navigate my most trying times. But killing yourself is a topic so taboo that even licensed professional fear it.
I need to talk... about all of it. Honestly. Without someone fearing for me or overreacting by institutionalising me. I just need the space to be 100% honest out loud.
I refuse to go another year carrying all of this in silence. I personally can't live with the possibilty of some undetermined future date of ctb'ing hanging over me. It haunts me and provides zero comfort.
For me it's as simple as a choice: To live or Not to live. For a long time I felt weird for what might come across as an oversimplification until I came across this article in the Scientific World Journal titled "Suicide From a Holitic Point of View" (file attached for any curious readers).
Basically, it confirmed for me what I've come to realise in my own "healing" journey that at some point a decision to choose life or not choose it might have to be made, and that is ok.
Now, I don't have the funds to travel to Sweden for counselling with this enlightened psychologist who wrote the article. Instead I have to tip toe around the issue with friends and therapists that I have access too.
I'm not affraid of dying, but I am affraid of living a life so heavily inauthentic and disconnected where I cannot discuss both the want to live and not live.
Don't get me wrong, this forum has helped A LOT. But there is something cathartic for me in saying things out loud. And I also recognise this time as an opportunity to peel back another layer of healing. But that can only happen with total honesty. And that's not say that in the end I'd choose one or the other, but damn it, can I at least talk about it before making any permanent decisions?
I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say to the people around me. (lol and don't suggest a suicide hotline. The thought of speaking to a stranger who has been trained to talk people off the ledge makes me even more sad.)
Any advice is greatly appreciated because THIS AIN'T IT
.Damn my trying nature. Though, in the end they can't say that I didn't try.
