May 23, 2023
I always had SOMEWHAT of a sense of self awareness I guess. Looking back at myself, I never really did though. It just got worse with time. I've always been emotionally, mentally abusive as hell. I didnt see it at all at different times. Its beyond messed up that I thought I was in a happy, healthy relationship, with someone who I was hurting and belittling in weird ways with mental gymnastics that I used to cope with my own horrible behavior I guess. If anyone else is abusive, I'm here for you. It's not ok. I'm not ok. How I've talked to people and made them feel is not ok. It wasn't deliberate or obvious. It's so messed up. I just cant live with myself. I dont think anyone sees themself as the bad guy, so they're just really messed up in the head. Idk. It's just hopeless out there. I wish we had more self control. I wish everyone could love better. I dont think I've ever loved anyone. Theres no evidence of it. Looking back at myself I was entitled. I wasnt any good. How I've affected others is not any good. It's not how love works. I've always been in complete denial. I can not stand myself. I feel trapped inside a stupid ugly monster.
What's the point of being alive when you realize your existence is just draining and damaging for others, and "love" isnt something you can give or receive because you're fucked in the head...
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Angst Filled Fuck Up

Angst Filled Fuck Up

Sep 9, 2018
If it's any consolation, the vast majority of people are abusive in some form or another. Sometimes it's so subtle we barely even notice it or else assume it's just part of a person's nature, which it may well be, but that doesn't make it any less harmful. The difference is really in the self awareness aspect. Most folks have little clue that they're hurting someone else. And some people are just awful together in a relationship but much better with a new/different person.