Venting Dad

[Flume]

My dad left me in 2016. He was sick for about an 10 years. Had recently taken several trips to the hospital... I went and saw him once, and everything seemed fine. At the time I wanted to switch schools and had recently been to a one for a visit so I told him about that. The reasons why he was was at the hospital I still don't know, but I know that he lied about why he was there, shortly afterwards without any warning I get the news that he's gone.

My dad proved to me that life is meaningless... no one cared that he left, not even his best friend showed to the funeral. If no one cared for him, then no one will care for me either. Even if I die I know what happens afterwords... because I saw it with my own eyes, I saw what death looks like. What happens is nothing... everyone just moves on like nothing fucking happened. Ever since then I lost trust in everyone, trust that I don't think I'll ever get back.

My dream is to truly love someone, and them to do so with me. I want have the kind of connection where you'd do anything for each other, where you'd die for eachother. But that can never happen because I'm scared for life. I just can't connect to people the way I did before. I can't look at anyone anymore without thinking to myself that you are a lying selfish piece of shit.

I pretend like it's fine and don't say anything. But even then no one fucking cares. For a decade now I've been waking up alone, no one was never next to me, no one was there to hold me when I needed it. No cared before, no one cared after.

My biggest wish in life is shattered. No one wants me that's a fucking fact, and even if they did I could never accept them like I once could.

I never feel seen. I'm always invincible. Even if you tell me you love me, even if you tell me you care, it doesn't matter... I just can't believe you, I just can't. Even if I die you'll just move on with life like nothing ever happened.

I live now, but I'll never feel alive again. I'll always be invisible, so what's the point.

 

[SinisterKid]

Like you, I believed no one could possibly love me. After my first attempt, the only people who stood by me, showed they cared. My partner and her son proved that I am not the horror story I thought I was. My granddaughter showed me unconditional love that I had never experienced before.

You are not invisible, you are not a monster, you are not unlovable. I sincerely hope that one day, you understand that and learn to at least think more of yourself.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Your words remind me so much of a young man on here that I'm incredibly fond of @21Neberg
He struggles with his self hate and like sinister Said, I hope both of you are able to come over this and realize you are more loved then you might think, even If it's by internet strangers. My dad never wanted me, he tried to force my mom to get an abortion and made his hatred of me clear throughout my entire life both physically and mentally. Only one person ever gave a shit about me and that was my mom. I hope you find someone like my mom. You're not nearly as useless as you think, it just takes time to figure it out

 

[Final Escape]

You have a very dark worldview and I think that it's making it hard for u to see what is good in the world or what is possible for u. I used to have this too. It wasn't until I began to be greatful for things that I have and accept how things are in society that this began to shift and I'm not so angry and resentful. You cannot attract love in the mind state u have now. It takes some work to shift your mindset away from being so pessimistic. You can be greatful that u knew your dad and he loved u. I never knew mine and that sucked growing up with no dad.

 

[Flume]

You have a very dark worldview and I think that it's making it hard for u to see what is good in the world or what is possible for u. I used to have this too. It wasn't until I began to be greatful for things that I have and accept how things are in society that this began to shift and I'm not so angry and resentful. You cannot attract love in the mind state u have now. It takes some work to shift your mindset away from being so pessimistic. You can be greatful that u knew your dad and he loved u. I never knew mine and that sucked growing up with no dad.

Just get better got it.

 

[Final Escape]

Just get better got it.

Hey I didn't say that, I was tryin to be supportive. But yea it might have been lame lol!

 

[Brick In The Wall]

People do move on incredibly quick. When my mother passed away they stopped talking about her within a week. Would get weird about it if I brought her up after that.

You talk about wanting to find a true love type. I had that for 13 years and it ended about the same way. She sold me out and dropped me like yesterday's trash.

People are fickle so finding "the one" won't necessarily change that. Sorry to be a bit of a downer but it's the truth.

 

[fastFWD]

Sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds like the events that occurred following his passing (among other things) are fueling an ever-growing storm within your mind. It sucks to be alone, abandoned and betrayed. I don't blame you for not trusting people; most will let you down in the end with broken promises and lies. i do love the intensity of what your dream entails. that's how love should be imo...

 

[21Neberg]

Your words remind me so much of a young man on here that I'm incredibly fond of @21Neberg
He struggles with his self hate and like sinister Said, I hope both of you are able to come over this and realize you are more loved then you might think, even If it's by internet strangers. My dad never wanted me, he tried to force my mom to get an abortion and made his hatred of me clear throughout my entire life both physically and mentally. Only one person ever gave a shit about me and that was my mom. I hope you find someone like my mom. You're not nearly as useless as you think, it just takes time to figure it out

Thank you for the kind words, I'm surprised anyone remembered me. Whatever your dad has said about you, it's all wrong. You're a really good person and you've proven it with this comment