Cut off all my hair

[finish.me]

i got banned from whole foods for shoplifting earlier and my boyfriend reacted poorly to it, last time i mentioned anything about stealing he said more or less that he doesn't want to be with a thief and of course thats reasonable and i understand, it's immature of me and whatever. My eating disorders picked up really bad in the last two months i suspect because i had been homeless like three months ago so when i got access to food again i just started binging, restricting consequentially, binging again. not having money made me really lose my shit so i picked up stealing during that month or two when I was on the street and of course as soon as i deplete the food i have i start feeling like shit again and need to eat everything or nothing at all. So i've been stealing from whole foods. I've been stealing fucking cakes and candy and then all of my anorexic shit like miracle noodles and diet coke and fucking stevia. I don't actually feel bad about it. I know it calls into question my integrity as a person. Where I'm going with this is kind of just, that I don't think it matters anymore. I don't know why I do anything. I hate my parents. my boyfriend is mad at me and doesn't like me as much as i like him. I'm disgusting. I hate my body. I hate everything about myself. I don't have anyone I can be honest with. I don't have anything that makes me happy. i don't have interest or things that make me feel accomplished or good. Goals don't feel worth pursuing and never have. Nothing will ever make me feel good, I know this because I have brain damage. I have brain damage that I swear has made me less than human. I was suicidally depressed as a child so I grew up with really muted feelings, I don't think i'd ever been happy, and now here I am, after everything. And it seriously feels like whatever I feel on a daily basis now is an echo of something that was already an echo. I don't have a monologue in my head anymore. I don't have fantasies or anything to think about. I play fucking tetris on my phone until i fall asleep because i don't have anything to fucking think about. Even when theres pressing, anxiety inducing things in my life. That's how i ended up homeless, I just didn't fucking care and literally while i was on the street I would just braid my hair or listen to a podcast or play a game on my phone until i fell asleep. I didn't fucking think about anything. I didn't think about how my situation was affecting the people in my life. I didn't think about my safety. I didn't think about how uncomfortable and cold i was every night, I barely gave it a second thought. I was sitting here tonight playing tetris and I felt like i was going to explode. I just cut off over a years worth of hair growth and cut up my face because whatever I dont know I just want to kill myself who fucking cares if im alive especially when i have nothing to contribute and don't deserve anything or even have the capacity to be a decent person in this world because all i do is suffer and steal and produce waste and dirt and shit and i hate everybody in my life. Fuck you Tom. fuck you tom fuck you tom fuck you tom fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. And fuck you Kaiya fuck you to fucking hell you fucking stupid slut fucking bitch. Fucking die.

 

[Smart No More]

I can't honestly say I relate entirely but there is something you said which almost echoes a sentiment I've expressed here a few times which is that you feel like an echo and that your brain is damaged. I too feel that way but for different reasons. Perhaps the reason is somewhat irrelevant. I'm posting mainly to offer up a suggestion based on something I'm considering for myself. That being microdosing psilocybin. It's gaining recognition for helping various nerve related issues and even people with diagnosed degenerative brain conditions have seen marked improvement and healing from using it. I mean don't just grab a load of mushrooms and scoff them but maybe do a little research and see if it's something you could do responsibly in the right setting. It's doing wonders for some. Various mental health conditions, depression, OCD etc. If you have netdlix there's been a limited series on psychedelics recently which covers some info on it. Easy viewing. Just a thought. Hope something comes good for you either way.

 

[finish.me]

I can't honestly say I relate entirely but there is something you said which almost echoes a sentiment I've expressed here a few times which is that you feel like an echo and that your brain is damaged. I too feel that way but for different reasons. Perhaps the reason is somewhat irrelevant. I'm posting mainly to offer up a suggestion based on something I'm considering for myself. That being microdosing psilocybin. It's gaining recognition for helping various nerve related issues and even people with diagnosed degenerative brain conditions have seen marked improvement and healing from using it. I mean don't just grab a load of mushrooms and scoff them but maybe do a little research and see if it's something you could do responsibly in the right setting. It's doing wonders for some. Various mental health conditions, depression, OCD etc. If you have netdlix there's been a limited series on psychedelics recently which covers some info on it. Easy viewing. Just a thought. Hope something comes good for you either way.

i really appreciate it thank you ill look into it

 

[summers]

@finish.me there's no shame in stealing from a store. You did what you did to survive. Didn't hurt or steal from individuals.

Cutting your hair and face was a bad call though. It will make you looked both crazy and probably like you have some kind of disease. Damage done, live and learn...